I am typing slowly and will keep this to the point. It’s been a rough morning of the sort we all have routinely. And I am rolling with the punches – in a way that is unlike me.
I was out of the house early for an appointment, followed by a list of errands that had been put off. I allotted time to accommodate everything, but at a nearby intersection of major thoroughfares, one cretinous driver blocked several lanes of traffic – clearly having attempted a turn after the light had changed.
I sat patiently through that irritation, and five minutes later near a merge of several roads and an off-ramp, yet another moronic maneuver by someone in front of me blocked two lanes in similar fashion.
I generally don’t use my horn. I also (generally) don’t gift those who annoy me with hand gestures of the digital sort. But as I realized that now I would be late, and when the man behind me hit his horn, I began to gesticulate at him.
Angrily.
Then I blared my horn if for no other reason than to register my discontent. And you know what? I felt better.
Imagine the Worst that Can Happen
I took a breath and resorted to an old trick – imagining the worst that could happen.
I would be late. My day would run late. Hardly the end of the world.
The traffic eventually let up, I apologized for being late to my appointment, and Planet Earth continues to spin on its axis as usual. Several hours later I was home and putting away groceries, without incident. I was settling in with the computer and a full day of tasks, coffee brewing, and bread in the toaster.
One piece of wheat stuck, stubbornly. Trying to jiggle it out, I placed my thumb on a metal strip and burned it.
Badly.
Fuck.
And then, the rush of anger.
I ran a stream of cold water over my thumb, and as the pain eased (and the blistering began), I realized that everything would be slowed (or late) as a result, since working on a computer requires 10 dynamic digits.
Reprogramming for Better Habits
Tears welled up – not pain – frustration. And growing fury at myself, as I saw my day spiraling out of control without a fully functioning thumb.
But here’s what I did differently, and what I typically haven’t done in the past.
I didn’t characterize the entire day as a loss with an exasperated proclamation like “It figures!” In fact, I didn’t characterize the day at all – only the burn, as an accident from lack of attention, and that, in part, because I was already feeling the time stress of the day, set in motion by the traffic problems this morning.
I recalled a book excerpt I was reading recently, by Ashley Davis Bush, called Shortcuts to Inner Peace. If you know me, this isn’t my typical reading. It’s something I happened upon unintentionally.
The book deals with managing everyday stress, and the pages I glanced at touch on exactly the sort of morning I experienced, and how to stop it in its tracks.
And I did.
Changing Directions
Rather than allowing a simple accident to darken the rest of my day (and set off a chain of mishaps or other events that go from bad to worse), I took a deep breath and considered how I could slow down and change direction.
In some positive way.
I kept my thumb under the faucet for a long time. It hurts. I’m typing slowly. But rather than remaining aggravated, I’ve decided this means a focused and unedited post (here), and a day spent reading, researching, and telephoning.
I will make it a productive day, engaged in other productive activities. And meanwhile, I’ll ice my thumb and hope it’s better in the morning.
Anger Management, Adult Attitude
When you’re angry, you can turn the anger inward, outward, or release it in a way that provides some relief but causes no harm – as in blaring a horn.
In my experience, women are more likely to turn anger in on themselves – we inadvertently injure ourselves, we overeat, we drink too much, we take on responsibilities and blame that we should not. Many of the women I have known engage in these self-destructive behaviors – violent behaviors in some ways, to their own bodies and emotions.
It’s a cycle we can stop, if we’re aware of it.
What happens after the initial response to being hurt or angry is, to some extent, within our control. Today, just now, I proved that to myself. We can change those unhelpful habits, no doubt with practice.
- When you’re stuck in traffic and there’s nothing you can do, how do you manage your stress?
- When you’re angry, do you stow the feelings somewhere or let them out? Do you swear aloud or under your breath?
- What techniques do you use when hurt or undermined by something beyond your control, so you don’t let it impact your entire day?
I was always an anxious person even as a kid and my Mom and I would always play the what if game and when I knew I could handle the worse which was unlikely to happen I was much better. I try and let life’s little annoyances pass me by. Don’t sweat the small stuff was my mentor. Glad you can still type.
Thanks, Madge. Just more slowly and a bit awkwardly. Your Mom gave good advice with the “what if” game. It really does work…
Well, I say “Brava!” to your “unedited” post. You deal here with a topic that I suspect many of us can relate to.
I spent the first two years of my oldest son’s life allowing one bad incident to sink our days together. I was so used to focusing on perfection (and, really, had built a pre-motherhood life where perfection by my standards was possible) that becoming a parent and having to deal with all of the chaos that comes with it derailed me. It took a long time – and many lessons in resilience – to learn how to change directions, as you did after you burned your thumb.
Do I do it well? Do I do it every time? Not by a long shot, but I’m getting better at it. And your reminder today helps me remember how. xo
So true, Kristen. Motherhood certainly does teach us a thing or two about what is and isn’t in our control, and how easily a day can spiral out of control! I’m not sure any of us every “arrive” at a perpetual state of perspective, but as you say, we get better at it.
Sucks that your day started off so badly, but I’m glad you got it turned around . . . You know me, my “first response” always involves just stopping and taking a few deep breaths. If I’m at home, which I usually am, that is immediately followed by a nice cup of soothing, calming herbal tea. Mostly I use my own blends, but Celestial Seasonings has a blend called “Tension Tamer” that works well for those who don’t want to keep a bunch of loose herbs around (and is much more convenient for taking with you.)
While I drink my tea, I work on “re-setting” the day; reminding myself that one mishap doesn’t have to ruin the entire day, rearranging plans to allow for the aftereffects of what happened, and do some relaxation exercises to release the muscle tension. (For a burn, I would also apply a drop of lavender essential oil to ease the pain and speed healing.) This sounds like a long, drawn-out process, but it actually only takes about 10 minutes or so once the tea is ready.
I like those techniques, Wendy. Tea and re-setting. (No lavender oil, and not going out again today! But making a mental note.)
(I may have said this elsewhere but thought it bears repeating.)
In moments of stress, I try to make a conscious effort to retain my equanimity as I know full well I may be the only one in the group suffering from a heightened arterial tension and why spoil the mood of everyone else? And by the way, don’t tell me what kind of day to have.
The following is a tried and true technique of peaceful composure I learned many years ago from a Jedi master which has kept on an even keel in the most difficult of circumstances. Position your feet comfortably apart at a distance of about a foot and a half. Shake your hands while rolling your shoulders and gently turning your head from side to side. Now lean forward and place each of your hands just above the knees. Take a deep breath and hold it for a moment, let’s about one to two seconds. Now as you slowly exhale, quietly say to yourself, “Fuuuuuccccckkkkk.”
And laughter always helps, @WQ.
I don’t curse much or at all. My son taught me, the 20-year military man that. At five or so he would nicely ask me not to curse and as amazing as it might seem, it worked. So now when I might curse at a nasty driver, and we have our share of very poor drivers in Seattle, I try to think of the driver as my mom or my “super safe driving” brother Pete. It usually helps.
Isn’t it interesting to consider all the coping mechanisms we create to keep us on an even keel. I also employ your “worst that can happen” line of reasoning too. But the best thing I do is try to not be on the road during rush hour. Starting next week I will be taking the bus to my new job. I can see that saving me a lot of stress.
Anger management is something I’m working on improving. And when I’m unhappy I tend to let it affect everything around me – everyone, which I know is not right. But I am working on it. I know I am not perfect. I think I will look up that book – thanks for the tip.
And by the way, I LOVE my horn. It’s such a weird thing but folks out here don’t user their horns where back east – they all seem to.
Totally resonating to your words here, mostly the honest possibility of connecting in frustration and hurt (physical, emotional, whatever) and also in playful creativity. For me, it’s knowing we’re not all that terrible, and that we’re not alone (even if the wiring of our brains, and not our toasters, was crossed and short circuited in the first instance of our development) that makes the crucial difference.
Maybe our pain slows us down, maybe it teaches us, maybe it helps us connect, much like the baby’s cries bring the mother (if we’re fortunate).
Here’s to opposing thumbs healing and working together.
Unplug the toaster, and fish the toast out with wooden chopsticks.
🙂
Di, You’re a gem. (How’ve you been? Happy 2012!)
I probably still turn my anger inwards on occasion, as I hate it when others blast at me, so I don’t want to do it to them. I prefer to hold my peace, at least for a little while. You know the story about the man who had his son hammer a nail into a piece of wood, an example of hurtful words? He then had his son pull the nail out, an example of saying ‘sorry’. And then he pointed out that there was still a hole in the wood…
I think we all would like to feel that we are in control, but with a little thought it seems to me that this is obviously an illusion (or self-delusion). Once we let go of the determination that we will be in control, let go of self will, things get a lot easier. Driving to an appointment like you did, I can say ‘I have done the reasonable things to ensure that I am on time; that this idiot has done what he has is going to cause me to be late, but it is out of my control. (not my problem, not my fault?)’
I toot my horn so seldom, I can never find it when I want to! It’s considered very bad manners here in Britain (where in Italy they never shut up!). I do think it is worth while telling someone they almost caused a wreck or that they are being naughty and you are displeased.
I get frustrated more often than actually angry. I normally leave it until I can find the right words to express my feelings in a calm way. I feel that getting angry all the time and shouting not only leaves holes in the wood, but it also blunts the perception of the hearer. If I shout in anger, Bill has to take notice, because it happens so very rarely. I find going for a run is excellent remedy for negative emotion, if only because at the end I’m too tired to care (or is that what they call endorphins?). I’ve actually used anger in racing, thinking of something that really makes me angry to give me a bit more energy at the end of the race!
Sorry about your poor thumb. I wander around with my head in the clouds and these little things happen as a consequence of not being conscious of what I’m doing….