The holidays are here! Are you in a new relationship? Are you mixing your children with your partner’s children for the first time in a large gathering, and possibly parents and siblings as well?
For new couples, the first occasion to spend the holidays together is an opportunity to create memories – special moments of their own. But that may not be so easy to accomplish if children of divorce or extended families come to the party with expectations – and emotions – that may put a damper on festivities.
Maybe you’re hoping to dive into your first plum pudding, or possibly a Bûche de Noël. But the kids?
They’re accustomed to pecan pie à la mode and pineapple upside down cake. They resist a shift in holiday traditions, scoffing at changes – even something as simple as a tweak to the menu.
My story?
Earlier this year I doubted I’d ever have to deal with any of this. I thought I’d aged out of dating, but periodically I still gave it a try.
Newly Married? Newly Coupled?
These days, I’m enjoying the pleasures of a relationship. But in the 10 years since my marriage ended, my boys have become used to a particular rhythm, especially at holiday time. I avoided the sticky issues around family traditions when my kids were young because intentional or not, there were few relationships. Our home was about the three of us – my boys and me, along with an open door policy to their friends.
Though my ex remarried a woman with children, my sons saw them infrequently though they all get along. But this household is their home, their safe place, their territory.
How will they handle the changes, though they know and like the man in the picture? How will we, the adults involved, make them feel comfortable? What about other family members – his extended family for example? Will we somehow manage to enjoy our “firsts” together, though we’re concerned with making everyone else comfortable?
Holidays are a stressful time, and I remind myself to simplify, simplify, simplify (even as I scramble to file away old papers and check my lists). And yet, I cannot deny that a new partner and blending families means additional expectations and inevitably, strain.
Older Parents, Older Children
I was an older parent when I had my children, and consequently older when I entered the dating market after divorce. For some single fathers, the fact of my children was fine; for other men in their forties or fifties, they wanted nothing to do with a woman still mired in hands-on child-rearing. They were done with that stage, and that was that.
My sons are now both in college (at last!), and I’m anticipating that the holidays will be fine.
Young kids may act out when they feel their territory (or parent) is being usurped by someone new on the scene. This phenomenon isn’t uniquely the emotional domain of little ones either; teenagers and even adults may still experience these feelings, and say or do things we find less than desirable.
Considerations for Midlife Blending Families
When we speak of blended families, often we generally talk of the nuclear unit and young children. Don’t we also interact with extended and adult families, including older children, a partner’s siblings and their spouses and children, not to mention elders who may have special needs?
Juggling adult children, midlife siblings, and aging parents of new partners can require special consideration. Even adults carry residual issues of separation and divorce, and the first gatherings of blended families present a mix of unknowns we may not necessarily anticipate – not the least of which may be divided loyalties for our elders who may have been close to a partner’s ex.
When we’re re-coupling in midlife, we have the physical to deal with, too.
Aging parents? There could be issues of mobility, dietary restrictions, memory problems, confusion. All of this is manageable, but it takes some thought under the best of circumstances just as it will at the holidays.
Tips for Making Memories in Blended Families
What will my weekend bring?
This won’t be the first time I’ve met the extended family of the man I’m dating, but it is the first time since divorce that I’ve included others in the holidays shared with my sons.
I admit that I’m anxious with more to coordinate, concerned over clutter that may disorient an older woman, and hoping that everyone gets along throughout two and a half days of activities.
My tips to myself?
- Keep elements of the usual traditions; set expectations of what’s changing ahead of time. In other words, talk and listen.
- Schedule socializing for the early side, so there are no late nights for older guests or if complications arise.
- Keep activities (including holiday dinners) to a reasonable length of time, so as not to increase disorientation, fatigue, or to push our luck!
- Plan ahead (including for dietary restrictions). Shop ahead (if possible). Assume Murphy’s Law will kick in somewhere.
- Honor the conflicting emotions that everyone may feel; even happy changes can be bittersweet and yes, stressful.
- The words that I am repeating to myself are those of a very wise friend: “Focus on the fact that you love and are loved. Let go of the rest.”
And incidentally, I haven’t planned a plum pudding for Christmas, but I’m considering it for New Year’s!
It’s amazing how children expect the traditions of childhood gatherings to be repeated. Mine seem to have successfully put aside the unfortunate tradition of my former wife having a predictable mental break down at family events. Contrast this with Fran, who has a yearning for order and stability, while reinventing herself every year. She’s not one to look back, but organizes for the future. My amazing wife.
Yes, it’s amazing. And then again sometimes they surprise us, Paul – with their flexibility. (You are indeed fortunate to have your amazing wife – and I’m sure she feels the same!)
I’ll be “blending” cultures literally, at the blender, making cranberry margaritas after being up late cooking brisket to go with the latkes. It took me a while to get good with the Christmas tree, perhaps by way of the Hanukah star I put at the top… and I think my Buby’s grave-spin has finally come to a place of equanimity to join my hopes for the rise of ecumenical compassion.
Glad you’ll have romantic kisses this Holiday Season—sending love to you and all of yours. Namaste
As opposed to chocolate kisses? (We’ll have some of those… and chocolate from other exotic locales…) Ah yes, we are familiar with the spiritual (and linguistic) blend as well. We have always found it works (no spinning required). Wishing you and yours a mixed merry fete, Bruce!
My husband came to our marriage without any traditions while I had deeply rooted ones. That was a struggle for us. I had to learn to let some things go (because it wasn’t worth me dragging him along) and he had to learn to care about the others. It works now, but the first years were tough.
By the way, one of our traditions is celebrating the 12 days of Christmas. Guess what Bella really wanted this year? (You’ll love this.) Those 3 French men! She was NOT happy when she found out they were supposed to be hens. 🙂
Ah, an example of time and compromise. Lovely.
OHMYGOD, Kelly. I’m laughing at Bella’s misunderstanding of the song! (Did she expect a singing partridge in a bear tree as well?) Wonderful child, that she’s expecting three French men!
cherie
was just thinking of you as we watched the Les Liaisons Dangereuses (Catherine Deneuve was sublime and can seriously rock a silk headscarf, Rupert was suitably demonic and both were Very Chic while Driving) – however, if you’ve seen it, it’s not completely fabulous but who cares – Paris, music, St Tropez, eating, flirting and sumptuous seductions around satin pillows #divine?
um. the hols. well, we come from a many-blended-family and so have decided to spend it with our chosen family of misfits and the misbehaved back on the Other Coast.
will post from Ojai.
the lilac sunsets deserve an homage of their own.
talk soon via the magical interweb.
_tg xx
I just want to wish you lots of luck (even though I am sure you won’t need it!)
Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Thank you! You, too! (And the adolescent partying continues… um, had I forgotten about this part?)
My holiday begins with St. Nick’s on the 6th, then through Jan. 6th for Epiphany. I have a group of very active Solstice-loving friends, so there is that too. In my situation, before blending, the holidays were so hideously strung with pre-divorce, divorce, and post-divorce blues and blechies, that very much as in the Grinch story, we had to let go and let Christmas just be. And, it worked, even if the season was sometimes more balm than bobbles, bubbles, and baubles. Here is where I reveal my utter low-brow love for all true but smaltzy things: From the Grinch, remember Cindy Lou Who?,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InlOiSelFeE&feature=related
We have no presents at all, and are so much happier this way. You can also read — hanky alert — O.Henry’s “Gift of the Magi”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDwv0q0VQIM
Oh, and read the St. Luke version of the nativity. Whatever your stance in the universe re belief and unbelief, we can all see this uncut jewel: in a place of poverty and no power, a miracle that we all can enter, occuered. The miracle is to be fully in life and to say yes. To love. Joseph did not abandon a shamed and pregnant teen. A young girl became a woman suddenly, perhaps in circumstances too horrible to contemplate. A baby was born in straw and manure, yet gifts of sharing marked this moment we all share — born in blood and hope, with measures of fear and trembling. Later, this family fled a cruel regime, living as refugees. His life was hidden and odd, yet he likely worried his mother because his path was unconventional and without a livelihood. Lauded for a few years, he was abandoned by those he counted as friends. And, he died a political criminal, after torture, unjustly accused. He was kind to those crucified with him….he comforted his mother as he died, asking his friend John to become her family. We cannot control our lives, yet, we can shape a response in freedom and love. As Victor Frankl so taught us.
And, Wolfie, I bought us shoes for the holiday, red; more WhoVille than It-shoes, but sent with love:
http://www.fluevog.com/code/?w%5B0%5D=gender%3Awomen&p=107&pp=1&view=detail&colourID=2998
NoName – Gift of the Magi. Oh, how I remember that story! Wishing you and yours (and your red shoes) a very merry holiday season!
And, meant to say before my waxing on the story! My sweet one and I head to the close-by mountains between the 26th and 29th. No Christmas day for us, as we have commitments to respective children to be elsewhere. One miracle is that he celebrates this year, with former spouse, the lover who interrupted their marriage, his child, children not his but sibs of his beloved child, in-laws who are not former in his mind…all after a long ride in a minivan complete with crushed french fries….with him singing holiday songs all the way there.
My miracle is that, despite deep chasms of separation from my beloveds, and a former spouse that continues to raise himself up by demonizing me….Christmas lodges in my heart.
Off to the kitchen to cook for the evening.
God bless the Wolf-clan assembled here.
Your friend’s words are wise, BLW. The letting go is, of course, the challenge, but it is essential.
As for planning ahead for dietary restrictions, oh yes. Hopefully others are receptive. I find it’s different in every household, and that is something that has to be planned for too — the degree to which others are amenable.
Ah, CT. I know you get it! Hoping it’s a lovely weekend for all of you.