One (wo)man’s excess is another (wo)man’s normal. At least, I think so. Don’t you?
Is excess always a bad thing? Doesn’t it matter what we’re talking about – stray cats, lovers, children – shoes? And isn’t excess to be more tolerated – even encouraged – when it’s a matter of special events, or the holiday time of year?
Yes, I admit to an excess of sleepless nights at present. That’s rarely a good thing; then again, I do take advantage by writing or planning, and catching up on classic films.
As last night’s sleeplessness wore on, I zapped in search of a brazen Bette Davis, a cool Cary Grant, or more contemporary chick flicks that always leave me smiling. I confess, I settled on a few episodes of The Real Housewives instead.
First there was a slice of Atlanta. Then, a visit with the ladies of Beverly Hills.
Excess? You betcha.
Good excess? Not so much.
I wasn’t surprised to hear an excess of yelling, screaming, and catty remarks on the Atlanta franchise. I zapped to a delicious classic on TCM, and then zapped back to Bravo quickly when I processed a certain image that lodged in my mind’s eye. That image was of absence – a large built-in bookcase – and not a single volume on its shelves.
Judge Not (But We All Do)
Come to think of it, I cannot recall seeing any books of any sort in any of the households on that show. And that is something I make judgments about.
So with an excess of drama, an excess of overpriced jewelry, an excess of cleavage (and I’m all for cleavage at the right time and the right place!) – there seems to be a paucity of reading material.
I know, I know. It’s Housewives.
When Beverly Hills flickered across my screen, there were the excessive price tags on jeweled tokens ($68,000 for a custom necklace as an engagement gift?), excess by way of party planning (nice eyelashes on the camel), an excess of screaming and cattiness – yes, a theme. Several themes – and that’s why we watch. Excess.
Real Women, Real Values
Still, while I didn’t explicitly see empty bookcases in the BH, I doubt they would be shown if they exist. I suspect these women read, or at least hire decorators who know enough to fill the built-ins.
As for how we spend our money (and what we treasure), doesn’t it reflect our values?
Other excesses I may be noting?
On Watch What Happens Live (I caught half the show, while shuffling about my house), Taylor Armstrong was Andy Cohen’s guest. Most of us are aware of her husband’s suicide last August. We’re also aware of the guessing game of reasons, and there are plenty to choose from.
Public Face, Private Life
Some point to Taylor’s filing for divorce, some point to public revelations of his alleged physical abuse. Some reports suggest questionable business dealings and his increasing financial troubles. Might we say there is an excess of potential causes and no doubt an excess we know nothing about?
Taylor seems to be bouncing back and quickly, when I think of how recently her husband’s death occurred. But then, we cannot know what her life was like during the marriage, and nor do we see anything of what she’s feeling other than what she allows us to see.
So I stow my (excess of?) assumptions and judgments, and remind myself that we never know the reality unless we truly know the people involved. Even then, we can’t necessarily comprehend their pain, or identify a single reason in what may be an excessively complex set of circumstances. We all wear masks to survive, as well as to succeed.
The other excesses I’d like to mention?
Taylor made a point of saying that the other “housewives” had extended their friendship, that the women closed ranks and demonstrated an excess of courtesy, respect, and genuine compassion.
Too Much or Just Right
It’s the time of year for throwing caution to the wind (and the credit card on the retail counter), and I’d like to mention one more area of excess – spending at a time when we feel squeezed by expectations. For some of us, our budgets allow for the exchange of meaningful gifts with hefty price tags. That’s a choice we each make, depending on our circumstances.
A friend might consider my “little surprises” for my boys excessive. For that matter, you might term my other habits (movies all night? magazines everywhere?) as beyond the norm. And so I will cop to an excess of shoes (I call them art), to an excess of books (that’s another story), and an excess of papers (the Whole House Organization Project continues). You may say I have too much of all of the above; I may say that it feels “just right.”
I also believe that excessive emotion can be problematic, but in my life, there’s “just right” when it comes to love. As for family and friends, their numbers are few, but I cherish them, I fight for them, and I count my riches by their presence. I don’t call that excess; I deem it abundance.
Spending Habits, Giving Behaviors
At this time of giving and (occasionally) over-giving, I hope we’ll be savvy in our spending, excessive in our appreciation for daily good fortune, and just right in recognizing when enough is enough and too much is unsuitable.
It isn’t about value; it is about values.
- Do you have “stuff” or behaviors that others consider excessive?
- Do you spend excessively at the holidays, or on special occasions?
- Are you more likely to spend (excessively or generously) on yourself, or others?
- Is there really too much of a good thing or too much life experience?
In France there is an understanding that ALL excess reveals a void. It is therefore usually pitied.
Interesting perspective, la bergère. And “abundance?”
In my on-again/off-again affair with the Housewives, I am currently in an off-again phase. And a lot of that probably has to do with certain types of excess on the shows that, for whatever reason, don’t appeal to me right now. As you know, though, I’ve often found pleasant distraction (especially from months of morning sickness last year!) in the larger-than-life quality of these women’s existences. Sometimes the excess feels fun and sometimes it feels like sound and fury, signifying not much at all.
I agree, Kristen. At times the over-the-top quality is entertaining. At others? Quite the opposite. All the more reason it’s on as background (noise?) late at night when I’m doing other things, though the sight of empty bookcases (good metaphor?) was somehow especially striking.
I LOVE real maple syrup. Readers who know what I’m talking about, know what I’m talking about. But this love changed, in a way, many years ago. I was young and at a wonderful sugaring-off event that had a large container of fresh first-draw syrup warm over a small fire. There was an area of clean fresh snow, and a ladle. And this wonderful event was sparsely attended. I LOVED it. And when I had consumed my fill, I looked at all that syrup that remained and ladled more onto fresh snow. When I thought I could eat no more, I noticed that container of pickles (I’m not normally a pickle eater), and I looked at all that wonderful syrup and had just enough pickle to not take much space but to enable me to go for more of that wonderful (sort of, at this point) syrup. I did this one more time and still felt pretty good.
I did not enjoy it all so much later. Hmmm… I have wonderful memories of that syrup. And some not quite so wonderful. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” I still LOVE real maple syrup, but I have a different sense of it.
Certainly an example of too much of good thing, Paul! (That must’ve been some pretty amazing syrup…)
I don’t reveal much of my private life to the people I spend time with face to face outside my home. And I think some of that is from worry that others will see me — working minimally from home while trying to figure out how to make writing a regular part of my life — as self-indulgent. I have an excess of time, some might say — those who hold salaried jobs, those who contribute as equal financial partners to their household coffers. I haven’t yet found a way to be comfortable with the privilege I have nor have I figured out how not to feel the pressure to have “something to show for it” (the time I spend at home whether the writing I do is on a screen or in my head).
Given that I’m not the primary breadwinner, I’m not likely to spend excessively on myself or even others unless my husband and I have discussed it first. We do have a budget for holiday gifts as we have so many relatives to buy for. Having those guidelines in place makes spending choices less difficult since they are mutually agreed upon.
It’s hard to live in fear of the judgments of others. And there’s no reason for you to feel guilty about being in a relationship in which you can focus on your learning and your work. It is indeed your work, CT. It simply isn’t yielding the typical fruits as yet, and as in all creative endeavors, there’s no way to know if or when it will.
You are indeed fortunate to have a spouse who clearly respects what you do and doesn’t make you feel as though you aren’t pulling your weight. It is certainly my observation that for many creatives, friends, family, and spouses don’t realize the “work in the work” – and the risk and amount of self that’s put into it. Very different from the world of corporate America or other more traditional pursuits.
“Abundance” is good, but discretion is valued overall. It is considered class.
There is no greater critic than the one that we allow to judge ourselves. Most of us, according to our inner editor, come up short. Wouldn’t it be amazing to think that who we authentically are, un-adorned and un-protected, was enough. Bare with me…because this analogy is a bit…seasonal…but I can’t help compare our human-ness to that of the freshly cut Christmas tree that is waiting to move inside my house and stand in a bucket of gross water for weeks. There it was, standing naked and proud at the base of a glorious snow covered mountain. It didn’t seem to ask for much; a little water, some sun now and then. The birds probably lit on it’s branches once in a while, lending additional meaning to it’s natural life. Now…in just hours…it will be thrust indoors where the temperature is way too hot; strung with lights that must burn its emerald needles; strung with glittery bobbles that were never part of that tree’s natural thought processes or expectations. In essence, we have destroyed the natural order of things in the hopes that what we DO WITH IT delivers a better outcome.
You are brilliant. I have said it before and I will say it again…you communicate without compromise. Thank god you were up all night…this is a message we all desperately need to breathe in and hold until we turn blue.
I am obsessed with soft yoga clothes. Even after I think I have “enough” I want more. Bizarre right? I mean, YOGA. Ugh. It’s so annoying. It all goes back to that fear that there is never enough. Still battling that one.
I’m sorry, one simply cannot have too many shoes…or books. 🙂 We need to always treat people gently because we never know what struggles they are dealing with in their lives.
There’s a world of difference between real maple syrup and a $68,000 engagement necklace. I don’t watch these shows, but your description of their goings on somehow reminds me of France. Not France now, but in that excessive year, 1789. I believe Marie Antoinette wore a pretty necklace too.
Well Wolf, I dare say that necklace was, um, lost on her…