It’s a celebration, and increasingly often – a spectacle. It’s also a planning nightmare, and a source of friction, debt, divisiveness.
How easily we forget that a wedding is the briefest of opening acts. Marriage is the main event.
So why do we refer to marriage as the happy ending? Isn’t it really the beginning? The beginning of a life presumed to unfold in a commitment, and one that is entered into with shared consideration?
Its reality is characterized by an unknowable journey of joys and sorrows and compromises, as two people are ideally bound by common beliefs, by respect for each other, by mutual attraction and playfulness, by a willingness to exchange confidences without sacrificing a sense of self – or giving oneself away in the bargain.
Marriage sounds simple when we speak of love; it’s anything but when we take into account the complexities of a lifetime together.
And while we tell ourselves that love will be enough, we ought to know better.
Instead, though we may perceive cracks in our romantic foundations, we are relieved to be swept up in the wedding, reassuring ourselves that everything will work out. After all, weddings generally meet our expectations and often exceed them. In contrast, marriage – unless we’ve already been through it – is rarely what we expect.
Women are wooed by the fairy tale features and trimmings of the event; men – most I’ve known – concede to whatever their partner wants, hoping it isn’t so over-the-top that they cannot recognize the woman walking down the aisle.
Wedding Spectacle, Common Sense
I was doing paperwork in my den last evening and put on the television – pleasantly turned off and ignored for the better part of 10 days. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was playing in the background, and I caught the scene in which an over-the-top wedding planner offers a lavish array of invitation prototypes, some of which run upwards of $100 each.
The final custom selection came in at $150 – a gift box adorned in white fabric flowers with a pink ribbon, while inside was the actual petal-covered invitation. This sort of expenditure is extravagant by most standards, but at least the family in question can afford it. Yet young women of all socioeconomic backgrounds opt for their day of pseudo-royalty, their “special day,” their day in the limelight – and desire exactly this sort of attention and its fairy tale result.
Then we reinforce the possibility with horror shows like Bridalplasty (thankfully, short-lived) and Bridezilla (longer-lived) to reflect back to us just how crazy some women become as they plan and spend (and misbehave) over one single day.
But how many other women – especially as Christmas or Valentine’s approaches – anticipate a proposal accompanied by a shiny rock, whether or not they’re ready for marriage? How many feel pressured into it by friends or family, and therefore put pressure on the man they’re seeing to pop the question – or else?
Why do we continue to allow the wedding to eclipse the substance of marriage? How do we realistically reset expectations?
Marital Status, Marital Expectations
As for the Vanderpump-Todds, the family has the means, and more importantly, the soon-to-be-weds have been seeing each other for years and appear – in TV Land – to have a solid relationship. They have a great deal in common, and we sense they have a shot at getting marriage “right” not only because of their relationship, but the example of parents with solid marriages.
Still, no one ever knows what goes on in private.
As for worrying about marital status over marital responsibilities, and weddings over marriage, how do we shift the focus? Given the emphasis on the spectacle (and the huge Wedding Industry churning in the background), is it even possible?
What about the pervasive influence of the media, pop culture, and our quick-to-judge albeit well-meaning friends and family? No wonder we walk through marital doors unprepared for what lies ahead.
- If you chose marriage, was it anything like your expectations?
- If you chose living together over marriage, has it been the right decision for you?
- And if you’ve done it a second time around, or a third, did your focus shift from wedding to marriage?
- What else shifted that has made marriage more satisfying or more workable?
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Always reading you but not commenting due to huge time-blackhole obligations, mostly good. Today, I have five minutes!
Ah, could we shift the focus away from weddings to marriage, as you suggest? Would do us a world of good. And, perhaps our great instinct and desire for romance puts us into the wedding mode, only superficially. The greater romance is truly the lived out life.
And, for me, am not thinking about a wedding or marriage at all, despite being now in a sweetly evolving, ocean-deep exploring, second-time around relationship.
But, am only doing this: at this second, am deeply en-gaged (not engaged!) in this tiny place in space and time, in the wide, wide universe, with another person. What happens? Union.
I recall that in my sacramental marriage preparation, I was told that I needed to attend and marry my spouse daily, for the sacrament to be enacted (marriage) from the intentional moment of vows (wedding).
I find myself enacting this now, without a vow moment. And, cannot say what will happen next. But, do not worry too much about that. Surprisingly.
And we are not new age-y nor uber-relgious in our outlook or appearances. Yet, what is underway defies so many conventions. Looks to be sustainable in some way, as we enter into the second year as lovers, after three years of collegial friendship across sister workplaces.
These definition might help also:
‘sacrament’ derives from the Latin sacramentum, meaning “a consecrated thing or act,” i.e., “something holy,” “to consecrate;” which itself was a Roman Catholic church Latin translation of the Greek mysterion, meaning “mystery.”
Thank you for the think pieces, always.
Thank you for this rich and thoughtful comment, NoName. It seems you are living something profound, nurturing, and connective – very much what most of us hope for. I imagine it is no small amount of work or consciousness on your part and his.
Dear God, lady, you sure hit those topics that need to be discussed.
Coming from a culture that REALLY pushes marriage–at a young age, too–I wholeheartedly agree with you that much of what people expect–the wedding cake, the beautiful dress, the rings–is not the reality of marriage. Marriage is the uniting of souls, the ultimate expression of commitment, and the toughest relationship to be had.
There are two essential things to a successful marriage: 1.) Compatibility (sexually as well as everything else) and 2.) Selflessness.
If either of these doesn’t come through, it’s going to be a rocky go. I don’t think that immediately means divorce, but it will mean some incredibly tough times that will require a whole lot of devotion to stick through with it.
In marriage, sex isn’t always great OR available, yet it is also some of the best experiences a couple will have as they can freely explore each other without shame or fear.
Marriage doesn’t automatically mean love and devotion, I fully believe love and devotion come after all the hard times, when you realize just what your relationship is made of (or not made of) and whether it’s worth seeing through.
With marriage comes baggage–yours and his/hers. To navigate individual personalities and past experiences requires a great deal of fortitude and forgiveness. I know that for me, I thought things would be neat and tidy because I truly loved Ben and (thought I) knew him before we wed; however, I have learned to let things from his past slide and to ignore much of my past because we are building a future that should not hinge on shallow expectations we brought in (I say shallow because we had no idea what was in store for us).
I wish that couples would sit down and actually talk about their future plans and wishes. Discuss kids, how many? when?; jobs, who sacrifices and when? if we have kids, will we both work or one stay home, and who will that be?; family, how close are you to your family?; and a multitude of other things that will certainly hit them after years of marriage. I know that for me, much of what I’m doing now I didn’t even consider before mostly because I didn’t anticipate for ME to change–and that’s another thing that couples must anticipate: change happens in every person as they get older and gain more experiences. I am grateful that my husband and I changed together, but it hasn’t made some of these things easier.
Selflessness, in my mind, also encompasses forgiveness which becomes essential in every relationship, but more so in marriage. As you both piss each other off, you have to learn to say sorry and REALLY mean it.
Really, marriage is more than balloons and cake, it’s a lifetime of commitment and pulling through shitty times.
There’s so much in these remarks, Amber. You’ve certainly lived more than your share of those hard times, and your awareness that they’re part of the picture (and you don’t just “bail”) says a great deal about your upbringing and your cultural values, even though – as you say – you were raised in an environment that pushed the marriage agenda.
Somewhere in that upbringing and / or your personal experience and consciousness, you and your husband understand the relationship won’t always be pretty, or easy, especially with so many simultaneous pressures on your time and resources and, as you say, the fact that each of you will undergo personal changes that can’t be anticipated. The relationship has to be strong enough for that.
I think you’re both very lucky to have found each other. And your children are lucky to have you both in their lives.
Our Quaker Meeting for Marriage was a public declaration of our ongoing relationship. Fran and I wrote our own declarations. All our well-wishers signed the certificate of our declarations (135 signatures in all), which now hangs over our bed. Family prepared much of the shared meal; some food was prepared by a local establishment. Legally, and as something of an aside, we also have a self-uniting certificate from the state. We did our own invitations, although Quaker Meetings are public in any case. I forget total cost – maybe three or four thousand dollars (certificate was a work of art and is beautifully framed; food was simple but good quality; we contributed to transportation costs for those who needed it). We were the last ones to leave the reception hall (our Quaker school is next door to the Meeting House), after doing some final cleaning up. All the preparatory time and thought (a lot) was for clarifying the relationship, not in preparing for a ceremony. We had to get over the conventional notion of “marriage,” which tended to turn us off. Honeymoon was on the Appalachian Trail.
“Addiction to sex?” re yesterday’s post. I don’t get it – sex is good. Addiction to Consumerism? God help us.
“Addiction to consumerism – God help us.” – May I quote you on that, Paul? 🙂
I wanted to reply to your comment – more thoughtfully – relative to your Quaker declarations and celebration of your union with Fran. I love the way you describe the event and the focus of its planning – on your relationship. The obvious admiration and acceptance that you two share for each other is something that many aspire to. We each have our own ideas on what would work for us, of course. In some ways, I wish we’d let go of those ideas, and open our minds (yes, minds) to the possibilities of people who don’t fit our preconceived notions of “who we should be with.”
I believe the heart is more able to do this but the head dissects according to checklist-oriented specifications. And more’s the pity. One of the nice things about getting a little older is seeing beyond the checklist – beyond the job titles, the height & weight statistics, the bank account balance, the brand name this, the brand name that. Seeing and hearing the person, and considering the possibilities of walking with each other through a portion of shared life.
As for the “conventional notion of marriage” I’m no longer certain what it is, exactly. I know what I was raised to believe formed part of its framework; some of those remnants seem wise and others, simplistic for today’s world. I wish more people would find their own way to commitment that works for them, able to “tweak” it as needed along the way.
Thank you, as always, for your participation in the conversation, Paul.
Bridalplasty? Really?
Jeez. Are we that far gone?
Read it and weep. (Or lose your lunch.) “Bridalplasty: Horrifying Show Takes Reality To New Lows“
Wolf, thank you for your kind words but Ben and I are unique in our situation. We dated for 4 years in a culture with an average dating period (plus engagement) of 6 months. We were ready to share a life together but many of our peers are NOT ready. I love them but many of the marriages we see have spouses that tolerate each other. It’s unfortunate to observe how a culture that encourages marriage so much does so at the expense of these young individuals who don’t really know what love is until they find out what love isn’t.
As someone who’s done the wedding and marriage thing, I can honestly say that if my partner and I decide to tie the knot, I really hope we can skip the wedding part. It really is a show for everyone else more than anything. I had a lovely wedding but the marriage didn’t last (five years). Now there’s no wedding, not even a marriage, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been, although we have our share of ups and downs. But it’s not vows that keep us together. It’s us.
You are a family – the four of you. Something many aspire to and never truly have, Justine – with or without the piece of paper or the trappings of a wedding. (Hugs to everyone!)