Yesterday’s morning diversion – contemplating the “Bad Girl” and whether or not we think that’s the way to “get the guy,” led to a response by the (referenced) book’s author. She invites us to check out her thoughts, which expand on her research and recommendations – including breaking down the types of Bad Girl behaviors we might want to contemplate.
I believe in exciting encounters. I believe in great sex. I believe in delicious lovemaking – and we all know, sex and lovemaking are not the same, though they may be kissing cousins.
I believe in enjoying our flirtation skills – and making sure we stay in practice.
I also believe in seduction, that it’s a two-way street, that we should give ourselves with generosity to those we care for – and expect that it will be mutual.
But I come back to my original premise. Bait and switch in marketing is bad enough, but bait and switch in the relationship realm?
Disastrous.
Putting up a public face is one thing; we all want to make a good first impression. But shouldn’t a false front in any arena be a temporary solution in a tough situation? When is it acceptable – or advisable – to pretend to be someone you’re not?
Fake it until you make it
Who hasn’t indulged in a little “fake it until you make it” from time to time? I find it to be a good strategy when self-esteem is low, when confidence has taken a beating, when your survival may depend on attitude, on effort, on knowing that if you can “land the job” you’ll work so tirelessly you’ll quickly master it.
But living with the public face in your private life becomes a terrible burden. It’s exhausting. It’s soul-numbing. Or perhaps some are more duplicitous than I, or simply better at hiding their feelings?
A little “sexy” yields a lot of mileage
A little extra sexy-something for a man who gets my motor revving? Stilettos and stockings if that’s your style – or his? (And you know already, it’s certainly mine.)
That’s another story altogether. And I say – absolutely.
But it’s more than something only for him; it’s also for me – a mutual pleasure.
Shouldn’t our best behaviors – however you define them – be about more than hooking someone, but establishing and maintaining a solid relationship? Respecting his needs – his real needs?
Shouldn’t our bedroom behaviors keep us engaged in the playful side of intimacy – mixing things up, and delighting in all of it?
The Bedroom and the Boardroom
A little “sexy” isn’t a false front. Certainly not for me or for many women, though they sometimes feel they can’t admit as much. But nor should it cross the line of trying to take what isn’t ours – including another woman’s man.
Consider it the “code.” I live by it, and so do the women I call my friends.
The Bad Girl’s narcissism and its destructive force? The gold-digger? The husband-stealer? Any sort of false front and its potential for hurting others?
I’ll decline, thank you very much – and take “Good Woman” with a far more integrated sense of self – in the bedroom or the boardroom. That includes flirtation and erotic engagement, when and where it makes sense.
Midlife Mambo (Yep. Middle-Age Sex.)
As for those who think that sexual desire (and appeal) disappear at midlife, think again and try again. When we feel sexy, when we feel flirtatious, when we act with attentiveness and generosity, it isn’t about a few extra pounds or the deepening of laugh lines.
As for the public face, of course we all wear masks at times, appropriate to our roles and objectives. But I’m happy to be increasingly certain of who I am and how I operate. One of the pleasures of midlife – realizing that I am, as the French would say, une femme bien dans sa peau, et bien dans sa tête” – comfortable in my own skin, and with myself.
And while that includes an ample dose of delicious “sexy” with the man in my life, a matter of body and spirit in sync, this is something that is true to my core, and requires no pretense.
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I also agree with the code as do my close friends.
There is so much difference between feeling sexy and self confident and feeling less self-assured which is often the need to flirt with or carry on with married men or male coworkers. I have worked alongside men my entire grown life, rarely women in the same office. Often times body language can be misconstrued. It is fun to flirt inside, by wearing sexy underclothing, they never know.
As for sexual desire, it is not waning in my experiences. The more self confident, the more my desire to share myself. The less confident, the more I appreciate a little flirting in my direction.
Great post. Comfortable in your own skin and with your new man – as it should be.
Right on. And likewise with yesterday’s response comment to Author.
Paul – I’m still waiting for your relationship column! It seems to me that you and Fran and found a winning formula. Certainly one that works for you both.
p.s.
Based on my limited experience, totally agree that mid-life women who have kept themselves in shape are sexier. Is it their hormones, experience, attitude, try harder? No idea. And who would care which it is, or care to write a book explaining.
Interesting comment, Paul. I think a lot of women would care which it is – attitude, hormones, experience, effort – and in my opinion, probably a combination of all of the above, and a number of other factors – not the least of which includes good health, good genes, a more than a little bit of luck!
In my clinical work with women across the life cycle I have noticed that what some men experience as a bait and switch may be more a matter of women growing more assured, more self-aware and more confident that they are lovable and have love to give.
Women quickly learn that sex, in general, makes men happy. Very often it is men who struggle to realize that while women enjoy sex, it takes a lot more than sex to make a woman feel happy and loved (things such as feeling truly desired as a unique being, apart from other women, including virtual sex objects populating the tranced-out and over-traveled realm of porn, not to mention feeling understood and accepted as a dimensional being).
While the front may seem false, and narcissism all too often set the tone, I think it is the fear of hurt that causes women to wear masks and men to block their own emotions. Getting safe is probably the key to dropping masks… and to facilitating real and nourishing connection.
Here’s to hoping for more good relationships and safety in the ranks across all sorts of lines that keep potential lovers locked in the roles of wary strangers.
Wise words, Bruce. And yes, we are wary of strangers – especially when we’ve been burned. But I like to think that we learn from those mistakes, and we then take our time in getting to know another person, eyes wide open, and enjoying the process.
This post is yet another reason why I believe you belong in a flat in Paris. They’re masters at flirtation and just enjoy it for what it is. Oui!
A flat in Paris. Eh oui! And they do indeed enjoy flirtation simply for itself, whether it leads to something more or not. And that, I find, is a way of life that is délicieux…
When somebody asked Woody Allen if he thought sex was dirty and he said, “When it’s good,” it was really a comment on this country. I think it wouldn’t have been funny in France, where sex can be good without being dirty.