It’s not that empty nest doesn’t have its advantages; it does.
I worked on my monthly budget last evening. The straight-off-the-top out-of-pocket expenses that I can now eliminate are significant. Very significant. Which makes it crystal clear that the estimates of $1,000/month per child (to raise them) are – or were – very low, in my household at least.
It’s not that the lack of teens around the place doesn’t have its advantages; it does.
If and when I choose to keep adult company, with a friend of any sort, I can come and go as I please, and I no longer have to coordinate around the schedules of others. And of course, the car keys are there and waiting whenever I might need them.
It’s not that I don’t miss the boys I love; I do.
But it’s so much more.
I miss their friends – perhaps the extended family (or larger one) that I always wanted and did not have – the boys-to-men who were mine by proxy, mine to listen to, mine to teach and in so doing, show my sons other ways to live by other examples.
There was Julio waking on the couch with a smile, and never saying no to anything to eat that I might offer. There was Randy with his fiery hair, gawky as he ambled through our little rooms, and never saying no to anything to eat that I might offer. There was Jack who didn’t sleepwalk exactly, but apparently wanders throughout the night and rarely slept when he stayed over, pacing in his heavy boots and – you got it – never saying no to anything to eat that I might offer.
There was toe-headed Tim and well-mannered Don, and all the others I watched from kindergarten through adolescence, eventually flying the nest and most, leaving the state to “begin” their lives.
I miss their noise and their foolishness, their stories and their practical jokes, their openness with me, which I believe was helpful for my kids to experience, realizing that adults other than parents provide necessary, caring, and comforting boundaries, as well as a useful sounding board.
I miss climbing over the bodies in the early morning on a Sunday, though I certainly don’t miss the worry over every dollar consumed in coke or sandwiches or anything else – all of which has been a struggle to afford.
I realize how my own circle has tightened over the years, more a matter of time and fatigue than anything else, the drag of worry not only about my own children but their friends whom I love, even now as they get in touch occasionally to let me know where they are and what they’re up to – spread from New Hampshire and New York to California and Texas to Louisiana and North Carolina.
As for the narrowing of my world, single parent finances certainly played their part. When a friend says “let’s go to the movies and grab a bite,” even when you’re past paying for sitters, for some of us, $30 or more for a ticket and dinner just isn’t in the cards.
And frankly, some of us would rather spend those precious dollars for the nights the “boys” are sprawled on the couch and chairs and floor, rowdy as they jostle over video games, and happy for a cozy environment and a couple of pizzas.
Cost of Domino’s or Papa John? That same $30.
Adolescent laughter? Priceless.
Loved this. You will get over all this soon enough. I did and now have my grandchildren living on my block. But I had 20 years to myself and I loved every minute of that as well. Discovered so many hidden talents and adventures await you. Enjoy all the ups and downs. You earned all of them.
Thanks Madge. 🙂
Yes! They become our pseudo kids don’t they? It is a bit crazy how our lives parallel. Just this week, in my own empty nest, I received a call from my son’s best friend. He was in need of a last minute military haircut and knew I could do it.
But then, after catching up a little he said how much he missed seeing us and has stopped in just to hang out with ME three nights this week.
It is a lifestyle change for sure. Our kids moving out and taking a large part of our lives and schedules with them.
Isn’t it lovely when their friends call or stop by? It is indeed a lifestyle change, as you say, NAS.
Now that my son is back in LA I see some of his old friends when they visit him on the block where we now both live. That is weird seeing a grown son and his family growing up in his own neighborhood and going to his old school. I have lived her since 1972 so the block belongs to both of us.
@Madge – Sounds like sometimes you can go home again… How lovely.
@Gale – So much to look forward to, yes. Not without its tough moments, but worth all of it.
Makes me realize all that I have to look forward too. Laughter, growth spurts, and my house lousy with boys of all shapes and sizes from time to time. As I sometimes struggle to wrap my head around all of the changes IEP is going through now it’s nice to know what great things lie ahead of us as well.
I hope when the boys come home for vacation, they still have sleep over parties with their friends. I love it when you write about them.
I must admit, it’s always TOTAL CRAZY TIME when you fill a tiny space with lanky teen boys. And also – fabulous. Each one so interesting, so unique, so “in between” boyhood and manhood at this stage, and it’s fascinating to listen to them and observe them as they interact and protect each other.
Perhaps it isn’t so surprising the way they all looked out for each other in a truly dangerous situation at the end of the summer. I am still in awe of the young men these kids are becoming.
(And I admit – it’s hard for me to imagine right now that we slept seventeen at the last bash!)
Those sons by proxy won’t forget you. My daughters friends (26 and 23 years old now) still call me mom. Some have kids of their own…and I’m still mom. 🙂
I imagine it must be very quiet over there. My teen is more out than in, but on the occasions that I see his friends, I enjoy getting to know them and see how they’re becoming young adults. I sure wish I was close so I could swing by for a cup of coffee or glass a wine and have a nice conversation.
Wouldn’t that be nice, Cathy?
This is a lovely, bittersweet reflection, D.
What I’m learning about parenthood is that, for me, it’s often too much or too little. Do I ever get a chance to have just the right amount of kid-ness? (And would I appreciate it if I had it?) Sometimes I find myself wishing for days of quiet, of being by myself for a few minutes. And when those days eventually arrive, I know I’ll be wishing for more time with my kids.
This moved me almost to tears. I don’t know how I’ll stand it when my kids are gone, but I know, as it has for you, that it will open up a new chapter, with its own rewards. And sorrows, of course. I’m not ready to be called “grandma” yet.
Holy shit. Don’t start calling me Grandma just yet!! But yes, it’s harder than I thought.
The ways our kids fill our lives never ceases to amaze me.
I can feel the nostalgia in this post. A reunion at the end of the semester at your house, I hope?
We’ll see, Rudri. 😉