Women don’t care about money as much as men.
So what do you think about that statement? True or false? Concerning? Or not your problem?
When I was a child, like most kids, I received an allowance. Some pittance – a quarter a week perhaps – and I was expected to manage it. To figure it out – save it, spend it – but it was 25 cents each Saturday, and that was that.
By the time I was a teenager, I recall a dollar a week. On special occasions, there might be five or ten dollars from a relative, but that was about the extent of my financial education.
Pennies Spawn Dollars
There were years spent babysitting, and then typing, and my own meticulous tracking of each dollar, kept in a large yellow envelope. I neatly penned the name of each client, the amount, and date earned – on the front of the envelope. When I hit a threshold, I’d take my money to the bank, proudly, and deposit it.
Think I didn’t care about that money?
As a single mother and independent contractor with no safety net, think I don’t care about money now?
I learned one critical lesson early: savings would eventually buy me opportunities. Specifically, I was taught that if you earn it, you can do it. And my very first trip overseas was financed by my own years of earnings as a teen. But that isn’t enough.
Money matters are so much more complex, psychologically as well as logistically. Money is power. Money is survival. Money is the only way that most of us can see a doctor, put food on the table, and keep a roof over our heads.
Yes, I learned to earn and to save. I learned the “can do” attitude that comes from a deeply entrenched work ethic. But as a girl, when it came to money, I didn’t learn much more. I was expected to perform well academically, and otherwise, I was channeled into the usual activities – piano, ballet, girl scouts – and babysitting or typing. But it was my older brother who was encouraged to get a “real job” after school – and likewise, he was allowed all the freedoms that came (at the time) with being a guy.
Making money. Making decisions.
Independence.
Most of the women I know earn less than their husbands, their boyfriends, and in some cases, less than their children. (Statistics prove this to be the case across the US.) Most of the women I know don’t know anything about investing – and rely upon those same husbands, boyfriends or paid advisers to make financial decisions for them.
Sometimes wisely. Sometimes, anything but.
Most of the women I know are dreadful at negotiating anything – much less salary. I count myself among those women despite years of being on my own, despite a fancy MBA, and still, despite the past decade as an independent worker.
Is this a matter of demographics? My 1960s upbringing? Some social expectation that persists, that men provide and women nest? Are we back to what makes a man tick (a drive for more of the cultural trappings of success, for power?) – and a woman’s tendency to offer more affective aspects of life in exchange? I may indeed believe that biology is a significant factor in my womanhood, but I don’t buy that it impacts my desire or need to make a buck and pay my mortgage!
Cultural Bias in Money Matters
And then there are observations like these, which I came across in a 2008 article in Psychology Today:
Economists and sociologists identify three different parts to the total difference in earnings between men and women. First… “human capital” – education, job skills, training, and other individual traits that affect productivity and job performance. Second… occupational segregation by sex… Men tend to occupy “blue-collar” jobs (manufacturing, construction, truck driving), while women tend to occupy “pink-collar” jobs (secretarial, nursing, teaching). Third, the sex difference in earnings can be due to sex discrimination, where employers pay equally qualified men and women doing the same job differently.
But the article went on to offer this, with a nod to the notion of evolutionary psychology:
… If, on the other hand, men and women with the same amount of human capital and in the same jobs are nonetheless inherently and fundamentally different in ways that affect their earnings… then discrimination becomes unnecessary to explain the sex gap in pay. If men and women are different in internal preferences and dispositions… then no external factors, such as employer discrimination or a “glass ceiling,” becomes necessary to explain the sex difference in earnings.
Might I add that the name of the article is “Women Have Better Things To Do Than Make Money“?
Is this recognizing a contemporary “truth,” or presenting a self-fulfilling prophesy under the guise of evolutionary psychology?
What about the millions of women who find themselves fighting the pay gap, fighting for jobs, without access to shared (marital) earnings, alone and raising children, alone and caring for elders, or alone – period?
Are we doomed to the perpetual position of lesser power and eventual poverty?
And as we age and find it harder to get jobs, more expensive for basic care – then what?
Ultimately, are we still dependent on men?
What if I just don’t buy it? Or what if I recognize some truth to it, and the urgency of our need to ratchet up the rate at which we change our comfort level with all things monetary?
Money 101, Now Appearing At Your Local Elementary School
What if it’s a matter of making money part of our schooling? Not full-blown economics which is offered in high school (and puts many kids to sleep), but Money 101 – complete with a dose of the value of value, why money matters, basics about the cost of living (food, shelter, clothing, utilities), a touch of marketing magic (identify a need, then fill it profitably).
What if we included classroom practice in negotiating?
Workable? Any pilot programs out there that I’m unaware of?
Would this work better if it takes place before puberty pops up with girls and guys both looking to impress the other sex, which might muddle performance issues – a discussion that brings me to the topic of single sex education and its (continued) benefits for some young women?
As a woman raising sons alone, I’ve fallen short in teaching money management as a life skill. Partly, that’s due to my own deficiencies, and partly to a roller-coaster ride when it comes to household income. Money is an area where my elder son seems comfortable (relatively), and my younger – not so much. So what should I have taught them – and where did I fall down exactly? What is it that I don’t master myself, that makes this particular domain one of the tougher ones to teach – to boys or girls?
While I’ve done a good job of encouraging my kids to believe in themselves, I also get incredibly annoyed with my younger son when he undervalues his output, creating extraordinary pieces of art or more commercial ones, which he then sells for a few dollars. I’ve been through a simplified discussion with him several times – one in which I explain that price must cover the cost of materials, an acceptable rate for his labor, and then profit – however small for now. I remind him to consider his “market” (if he’s dealing with another teenager, they are likely to have limited funds; dealing with an adult, there is a bias against paying young people, despite the quality of the result).
I’ve also talked to him about the art market in general, so he would understand competitive factors, the psychology of pricing, and the inherent challenges in creative fields.
When I reflect on my upbringing, there were no such discussions at any time. Yet my dad was in sales. He even lectured on salesmanship at a local business school. He certainly knew how to negotiate, how to market, how to price. But money – like religion and politics – were topical taboos.
Times, They Are a-Changing?
Despite my education and decades of being an employee, a manager, a team member, an independent consultant, a freelancer – often holding more than one job at once – when it comes to negotiating (and sticking to) what I know I’m worth, I also know I’ve folded. And I don’t just mean due to recessionary pressures.
I’ve folded because I wanted the work and focused on that rather than remuneration for the work, which deserved equal focus. But I’m learning; life has required me to learn to negotiate – for everything – including reduced prices for goods and services, extended timeframes to pay for things, and increasingly, to stick to my guns on fair market pricing for my own services – even in these tough economic times.
But money matters remain a sore point. And I believe, a women’s issue and therefore, an issue for our children – all our children. That human capital referenced in the Psychology Today article? Don’t we need all of it to address some of the ills this country is facing? Do we really care what gender it comes from?
So what about you? Do you consider yourself financially informed and fiscally responsible? Do you believe that money is less important to women, or that we are lulled into believing that it isn’t crucial to our survival?
- Do you share in money decisions in your household?
- Do you keep your money separate from your spouse?
- Do you teach your kids any basics about money?
- Do you teach your kids to negotiate – and all the ways that it is useful?
- How do we fight the deeply ingrained notion that as women, money isn’t as important as it is for a man?
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So interesting. My 10-yr-old has gotten into the habit of buying her friends things, and I was just telling her this a.m. that you can give of yourself to friends, and it’s great to be a nice and giving person, but you don’t have to do it monetarily. And I remember being like that; believing that money was there to share with everyone. Being a single mom has changed all that, of course! I hope to instill those lessons far earlier to my girls.
What a wonderful example, April. And your response makes me think. In my own experience, I have found women to be more generous both with time and monetarily – and often those with the least give the most of themselves.
I wonder how much our cultural conditioning has had to do with these lessons as well? We do indeed value generosity, but do we expect it more of our girls/women than our boys/men?
Great topic! And it isn’t simple. I am all about equal pay for equal work and I don’t buy that women don’t care about money. But I also remember dating and not going on a second date if the guy didn’t pick up the check. What’s that about? Also, I hate negotiating too! I think our generation is sandwiched in between the 50’s housewives and the kids born in the 90’s who are uber cool about gender. We’re a little of both.
I think you make an excellent point, Pamela – about generational issues. But what concerns me is that I see women in their 20s and 30s who seem equally uncomfortable (or ill-informed) about money. Somehow expecting it to fall from the proverbial tree, or come from parents (still!), or possibly a relationship with a man of certain means.
There’s nothing “scientific” in that observation, but outside of certain professional (and professionally trained?) circles, I remain concerned about the extent to which women of all ages realize that basic financial vigilance and knowledge are essential.
It’s about taking ownership. And caring about money does not equate to being unfeminine.
As for dating, I hear you – and I understand. We still have certain social expectations of men and women, though we bend those rules to circumstances all the time. What’s the right balance there?
A whole other (fascinating) discussion.
My son and two friends have a dream of going into business together so I have taken advantage of his interest to try to teach him some basic principles.
Since they are all 10 year-olds it wouldn’t be surprising to see this dream evolve or disappear. But I figured that it was a good opportunity to try and and teach him something practical.
First, judging by your description, I must be a woman. 🙂
When a teenager, I envied all the opportunities girls had for making money babysitting – my experience was that there was gender bias against boys for babysitting. There was much less financial opportunity for paper routes and lawn mowing – I never did as well as the girls in income. And at that age, it seemed that many wanted boyfriends with cars. On the other hand, I didn’t want girlfriends who had to have boyfriends with cars, so I can’t complain.
I was never focused on making money and have never bought a share of stock in my life. I have some TIAA/CREF (being fiscally conservative, and much less in total than my colleagues), but my former wife got more than half of all my earnings (including cash for house that I had paid for and that retirement money, plus getting her Ph.D. while we were married), and left me to provide housing and handle the children’s higher education (fortunately they weren’t focused on “prestige” schools). So men don’t always come out financially ahead.
This is not a complaint – things worked out the best I could ever have imagined under the challenging circumstances of their seriously disturbed mother. HURRAH! I am truly blessed. No one was surprised or particularly sad to see her leave the house. My children and their partners and Fran were all together with me for a great Father’s Day. Incidentally, they almost immediately started having more spendable income then I ever saw (this includes my two daughters). Whatever. Of course, they are DINKS.
Bottom line – guess it’s good news and bad news. I’ve never worried that much about money (even while being very careful spending it), and my interests tend to be inexpensive. I love the outdoors and the cheap seats at the opera. My family of five grew up with one bathroom – I’m not sure how many Amy has now. I was fortunate that all my graduate work and expenses at Princeton were paid for – I’ve never had debt (except a mortgage).
DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND. I am not belittling those concerns that BLW describes. I am genuinely sympathetic with people’s worries – the sense of separation and insecurity that this country engenders. That is real and is very real suffering, whether you are financially middle class or like the Burmese refugees Fran works with, where families, once they get established, are living on perhaps $25,000/year in dangerous urban neighborhoods. As a revolutionary socialist, I fault those with the big bucks who run the show and set the rest of us (men and women, black and white, union and non-union, soldiers and peace people) to arguing with one another about who gets the left overs. (Watch out, pretty soon I’ll start ranting about “capitalist yellow running dogs.” It’s interesting that much of our own anti-Sino/Soviet rhetoric was translated into phrases that sounded just as ridiculous to Russians/Chinese in their own languages. Basically, this goofy style of overly-literal translation is a standard propaganda technique of making the other side appear ridiculous.)
Anyhow, this country is in great need of a peaceful revolution in values and government, and if working people and those wanting work (men and women together) can see their shared goals, financial and otherwise…right on!
Now how’s THAT for a rant!
I think it’s a great rant, Paul! And I am all for peaceful change… And that’s exactly what we need. You nailed it, IMO, when you specified values.
It doesn’t happen overnight. Awareness and discussion are certainly a good step toward positive change.
When I was growing up, girls became secretaries until they got married and had children, and they lived happily ever after with husbands earning the money. Except it didn’t work that way at all. Out of necessity when I was a single parent, my daughter learned about earning what she wanted and managing her money. Investing? Never. Sadly. Life would be easier now if I had thought that way – and if I had earned enough to have extra to invest.
While I know a number of women who are the larger earners (and this creates other issues for their partners, sometimes men), I have found myself decreasingly interested in money—and like Paul, I wonder if this connects to my cultivation of my nurturing and connecting aspects, perhaps favoring them over my more competitive aspects. I fear that I may fall short on meeting the never-ending obligations of school, bills, etc. and I work hard to keep it all going, I still do not dream of having more money—only of having freedom from having to think about it. And I think this is a masculine/feminine difference, not of gender, but of the thinking brain vs. the feeling brain. Men typically favor the analytic side (and this governs counting, keeping score) while women historically favor attachment and nurturing, which is not so easily quantified.
In an integrated society these functions would be freed from an overly concrete gender basis, while the “value” of teaching and caregiving would be better rewarded and respected. Until then, our primary problem is the fear-brain, which trumps the thinking and the feeling brains into aggression and often into anti-social behavior, greed and this contributes to the erosion of trust in each other and in markets… and vioila , we have life as we currently know it.
Great questions BLW, the more we think about these things the more empowered we become to live lives both prosperous/abundant/pragmatic AND connected/compassionate/creative.
All Good Wishes
… lives both prosperous/abundant/pragmatic AND connected/compassionate/creative
That would be wonderful, Bruce.
I think money began about the same time agriculture began. It’s been all downhill from there. It makes me miserable just thinking about it.
I think I could turn and live with animals, they are
so placid and self – contain’d,
I stand and look at them long and long.
They do not sweat and whine about their condition,
They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins,
They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God,
Not one is dissatisfied, not one is demented with the
mania of owning things,
Not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived
thousands of years ago,
Not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth.
–Walt Whitman