When it comes to effective communication – especially with kids – discretion can certainly be the better part of valor. In other words, don’t embarrass your children in front of their pals, think before you speak, and pick your moments – carefully.
The same could be said for spouses, co-workers, or friends, but they’re adults – with a thicker hide and capacity for context.
Kids? Tread lightly. Or rather, tread wisely.
Tip-toeing Around Teenagers
In this harried household, we’re up against wall-to-wall exams, and two weeks until graduation. My son continues to mastermind his universe from the living room couch, where he eats, sleeps, and studies, surrounded by books, binders, clothes, calculators, cokes, cables, and an old computer.
His schedule is slippery. His moods are manic. His appetite is epic. He snoozes at odd hours and I find myself tip-toeing around his teenage tension. Bleak House? We’re Pique House.
Last night, late, he asked me to wake him early. He had papers to print (from my laptop), and another major exam today. But this morning – as I cut my sleep short by an hour to do as he asked, things took an irritating turn.
“You need to wake up,” I said.
“My exam is at noon,” he muttered.
“You need to print. You told me to wake you early.”
“In a half hour,” he mumbled. “Please. Let me sleep another half hour.”
Timing is Everything
I was pissed. I needed more sleep, and this isn’t the first time we’ve done this dreary dance.
I wanted to lecture. I wanted to scream. But I looked at my son – exhausted – and I kept silent.
I brewed my coffee. I took deep breaths. I watched the clock. I ran through the mental checklist and reshuffled my day’s activities, knowing this would make some impossible and others late. I wanted to point out – again – that his actions impact others, that this affects me – my energy, my productivity, my ability to accomplish what I need to get done.
But I’m not in the middle of a 14-day period of exams. Of critical performance pressure. So I said nothing, and let him sleep.
Biting Your Tongue
Bite your tongue? Stifle yourself?
Oh, it isn’t easy when those emotions are coiling up and you need to unload!
In the heat of the moment, what often comes out is more heat – and that’s rarely helpful if the goal is constructive communication. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to temper anger. As I’ve matured (thankfully), I’ve learned to take that breath, to consider the circumstances, and to reconsider what I say, when I say it, and how I say it.
With kids, I pick my moments, and often opt for food as a vehicle to make my message more palatable. Who isn’t relaxed and receptive over a hot meal?
In relationships, I attempt to defer potentially contentious comments until cooler heads prevail.
With friends, I’ve found myself on the receiving end more than dishing it out, in part because I enjoy the company of people who are direct. But I recall an old friend who went too far, convinced that speaking her mind was always the right thing. She disregarded the importance of timing, and frequently offended.
She never picked her moments, and was both inappropriate and hurtful. I’m all for telling friends the truth (as we see it), but there are ways to do so, and there are limits. There are always limits.
May I add that she’s no longer in my life?
Tell All? Don’t Think So
Now come on. You know that some opinions should never be offered. Just because we think it doesn’t mean we should say it. Not only should we not tell all online – but we shouldn’t do it in person either. Sometimes it’s a matter of our relationship to the person we’re talking with. Sometimes it’s a matter of where we are – in public, or at an event where any kind of disclosure or admonishment would be ill-received. Sometimes, we have legitimate feedback to provide, but it isn’t the right moment. And, the way we offer our comments is equally critical.
The downside to this reasoning is, of course, that if we wait too long, what we have to say loses relevance, or impact, or emotions build up and we don’t deal with them. Resentments grow and invective tumbles out at the worst possible time, and seemingly blown out of proportion.
So picking our moments wisely doesn’t mean postponing indefinitely. It means taking a step back, and assessing how to deliver a message – appropriately.
Contemporary Culture, License to Spill
James Bond may have license to kill, but these days we act as if we have license to spill – whatever we please, wherever we please, whenever we please.
Since when did propriety disappear? Since when is it acceptable to put our need to express an opinion, ask a personal question, or even take advantage of – (euphemism alert!) – a “teachable moment”- when it comes to our kids? Speaking our minds doesn’t mean dismissing good manners, common sense, or the big picture.
Oh, I screw up as much as the next guy. And then I kick myself. But those deep breaths help, and so does remembering what it feels like to be distracted when you need to focus, or hurt by thoughtless words and poor timing.
So here I am, scrambling to get through my day – as expected. But I’m setting aside my annoyance. There will be time for teachable moments – after graduation.
And what about you?
- Do you think before you speak?
- Do you consider the receptivity of the other person?
- Do your emotions get the better of you and compromise the message?
- Do you spout off to friends, to your spouse, and at your kids?
“Think it, don’t say it.” That is what I am working on with my 13 year old son. While I applaud his ability to speak up, he has to learn boundaries. It’s a work in progress, most definitely.
Good luck to you and your son during these last few weeks of school. My 16 year old daughter is gearing up for finals and I expect the tension to build. I will have my own moments of “think it, don’t say it,” at least till summer! 🙂
“Think it, don’t say it!” What great advice, Linda. Thank you!
Great topic. I am inevitably regretful when I lose my cool with my kids, although doing so from time to time is hard to avoid. The older I get, the more I realize that what others say/do is more about them than about me, so that makes me less reactive. And then I have blogging to rein me in! 🙂
Ugh, yes. The guilt after losing one’s cool. You said it, Pauline.
Blogging really does help – everything! (And it’s cheaper than a therapist, and healthier than a bottle of vodka.)
Great topic. And good on you for your forbearance. As a parent, when I let my anger speak, I always regret it. Better to say, “I’m angry now. I need to take a break,” and get out of there.
Good one, Wolf. (May I borrow it?)
I would like to say that I think before I speak, but I know I have my moments when words, er, sentences just slip out. Like word vomit. I do believe, though, that directness is the best way to speak but understand that I make mistakes, so I’ve also learned that I’m not too prideful to apologize.
The prime time that my emotions get the better of me are when I am sick, pregnant, and/or PMSey (yes it is a word). It seems that my most embarrassing moments happen during those periods. Sigh.
Might I say, I admire how you handle your son’s schedule and moods. I believe it is easy to forget that children/teenagers/adult (children) are smart and can read your moods just like you can read theirs. So, giving them a good explanation and allowing them room to grow is such a good approach.
(I do hope I’m making sense. For some reason my brain seems to leave out pertinent pieces of information lately.)
Hormones, Amber. I wonder how many words have slipped out – for males and females both – as the result of hormones? 🙂
I know that I am also more likely to snap at someone if I’m tired, in pain, or worried about something. So I try to remember (and not judge) that if someone isn’t particularly sensitive in the way they’re dealing with me, or if they seem to be negative, it may be due to things that wear you down and can’t help but impact your patience or ability to be measured. On the other hand, if it’s their “normal,” I’m not likely to stick around for long. And I hope that my sons won’t think of my bad days as my “normal.”
(And yes, you’re making perfect sense.)
One thing I’m really hoping to remember as we delve further into these teen years; when they say they don’t know why they did (or didn’t do) something, that’s probably true. I think we are sometimes guilty of expecting adult reactions from still immature beings. I want to try to avoid them, all the while still making sure they live up to the expectations that they can.
I don’t do so well with adults who still act like immature teens. And sometimes I say too much, too. Works in progress for me.
That’s such a good reminder, April. Teens (and tweens) don’t always know why they’re doing what they’re doing. They’re acting and reacting without full awareness – and certainly without full appreciation of consequences. We need to remember that. But I’m with you… adults acting like immature kids? Another story.
Communication: What would it be helpful for others to know? I am ready to be fully open and honest with my own feelings, beliefs and actions, and look for the same from others I am close to (i.e., my wife, and in the past, a few close relationships). Because some of my views are at odds with cultural norms, I have to consider what would be helpful and what can people handle. At work, I’ve learned to be quiet on a lot of things and be a “team” player, while still upsetting folks by even suggesting a very few things for consideration (google peacefulways). At a colleague’s recent retirement event, he said that student evaluations were driving what material students were being taught – that you will not have students to teach if they disagree with your factual data and your professional interpretation. If so, can Americans be considered truly free to ask questions and to learn?
Very thoughtful observations, Paul.
Food as the messenger? Very wise, BLW, very wise! How many times do I let my teenage son provoke me into something when he wise me should know that it’s the stomach talking? If they’re above 12-years-old, first look to the stomach!
Having done a bit of rather ungratifying tiptoeing around my kid just moments before I arrived at this post, I just want to say thank you for being a sane and discreet grown-up. Sometimes the better part of discretion is connection with someone you don’t need to tiptoe around.
Here’s to some flat-footed and vaguely bitter authenticity (with a dollop of good humor) to balance the cloying sweetness of too much precious parenting.
Hello Stranger.
Love this discussion of when to say what, what to hold back, the art of how much to reveal, the whys, the hows, and all of it.
I adore honesty but you are right, there is a time and a place, as well as a certain amount of most opinions we are allowed to hold back. It’s not being dishonest to hold a little bit to ourselves, it’s being thoughtful, I think, caring, genuine and protective, of ourselves and others.
@Linda – You know what they say about the way to a man’s heart… through his stomach… I think that’s the way to soothe any sort of savage beast – including the cranky kid, of any age.
@Bruce – “discreet and sane” – I hope my sons would agree with you. 😉 Thanks!
@Sarah – Glad you stopped by! Yes, we seem to have forgotten the art (and necessity) of holding back, in a constructive and protective way for all concerned.
I have to be very vigilant about this, because I tend to have no “filter” and just blurt out whatever I’m thinking. It’s something I’m working on. It’s hard to find that balance–my mother never talked about anything, and now I’m the woman who talks about everything. Bal-ance.
Funny how we often parent in ways that are different from our own parents. Yours didn’t say enough, Kitch – so you’re more open. Mine had no filter, so I work hard to maintain one. Perhaps somewhere in the middle – with context – is the answer?
I’ve read before about having discretion before you speak…this is so incredibly foreign to me. I’m spontaneous, emotional and have stuck my foot in my mouth so many times I have athlete’s foot of the mouth, for the love of Pete. You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to shove whatever just spewed out of my mouth back down my throat. I’ve been up at night thinking about the millions of ways I could have said whatever it was better, nicer and then it comes to me. It’s honest. It’s the truth or my truth…How many people do you know keep all that stuff in and then they implode or explode? In the middle of my life I have discovered discretion and censorship and use then when necessary like with my kids…but I’ve also discovered the joy of being myself…come what may!
I try so hard to balance, to avoid over sharing. I also feel that opening up to others just may help them in knowing there is someone else out there who shares their thoughts, opinions, hurts or feelings.
I try really hard not to share too much about others in my life, and keep it to my own thoughts and feelings but those lines blur when I am emotional or frustrated.
Great article, makes me stop and think a little more.
I have a difficult time curbing my words sometimes. It’s partially because I jump to conclusions. It’s best to hold back at times, letting the natural energy of the situation work itself out. Great post BLW!