Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Or perhaps, the most recent? Do you recall the complex cocktail of emotions involved – not the least of which is awareness of your vulnerability?
What about the loss of appetite? The dreamy distractions? Too little sleep?
We all know it’s impossible to predict the future. Most of us have enough difficulty processing our present, and planning for the coming week. As for the concept of growing old together? Well, let’s just say that’s not a given, particularly when you look at the decidedly depressing divorce statistics, with one out of every two marriages failing.
So is love an impossibility? Are we naive in our expectations? Have we lost our facility to discern what is real, and to live up to our own potential for caring? Has contemporary life overburdened our once healthier hearts and more innocent social institutions?
Do you use the word “love” easily – or even carelessly?
The Healthy Heart
As adults, most of us are familiar with falling in love, not to mention acts of loving in various forms. We love our families, our friends, our spouses. When love ends, some of us close up shop following devastating losses – the death of a husband or wife, or a miserable divorce. When love matures, some of us move on, searching for new fireworks.
Whatever the cause of a relationship’s demise, thankfully, most of us are nudged back out onto the playing field. Our emotional capacity is more expansive than we realize. Isn’t it human nature to seek connection – even if it means a measure of fearlessness in getting back out there?
And then what?
We’re caught by surprise. We fall in love again.
Maybe you know the excitement of unexpected romance – the man or woman who wanders into your life, lightens the load, brightens your outlook, and wanders out again. Maybe when it comes to love and sex, you’re still working on understanding the nature of your connection, not to mention what you really want out of a relationship.
Many say that physical intimacy solidifies emotional closeness that we’ve taken the time to construct. Some have difficulty separating sex from lovemaking, though certainly not all of us; we know lovemaking is rare and another matter – more than a fiery fusion, it is an offering of vulnerability.
Passion, Intimacy, Taking a Chance
These days, as my world reverberates with changes – some subtle and others, less so – I realize that I possess few protections to fall back on, in terms of people or resources. When it comes to feelings, trusting another adult with my “whole self” is unfamiliar territory, but it isn’t unwanted territory.
Sharing oneself can be frightening at any age. Yet any profound emotional engagement involves vulnerability. Necessary vulnerability.
So what about it?
- If you’re divorced, do you still believe in the sustainability of love and partnership?
- Are you convinced you’ve “aged out” of the dating marketplace? What if you’re wrong?
- When it comes to balancing emotional risk-taking and pragmatism, do you trust your instincts?
- When it comes to making yourself vulnerable, would you have the guts to go for it?
I’m teetering between “aged out” and “maybe it could happen”. I think my heart is open but am I really ready? If I’m not, will I even realize the opportunity if/when it presents itself? I don’t know the answers but I hope so! On the flip side, I’m happy to be past the point of yearning, stewing and moping. If it happens, it happens. If not, that’s okay too. I’m a lot happier in this place!
Two years ago all of my over-fifty single friends were just that, single. Now all but one is in a serious relationship; one got married last week! That’s a good thing!
That teetering thing… I certainly get it. Then again, perhaps life’s events (like devastating storms?) remind us just how precious our good moments are. And maybe we can lean a little more toward a place of possibility?
Amazing to hear that your friends over fifty are now in relationships and even marrying! What a hopeful sign for our resilience!
i have no idea 🙂
Oh Jason, my friend. How wonderful to hear from you. I hope you are well. And I suspect that there is much, much more ahead for you.
I can’t imagine myself back in the dating arena. Some day I may be presented with that scenario, but right now, I’m wondering if I would *age-out* as of my own doing. But, then again, the thought of missing out on a relationship that may bring happiness in those golden years would be a shame. Guess, I’ll cross that bridge if and when I ever get there.
Whenever I confront that “aging out” issue, Lisa (and I do, often, especially when contemplating the online world), I am reminded of hearing from a widowed aunt about 2 years ago. She is a dynamic and intelligent professional woman who raised two children with her husband. And when I heard from her at age 75, she told me she’d met someone and fallen in love. Crazy, no? And cool!
I have been with my husband since I was 15. That’s 19 years. I can’t imagine anyone else, and frankly have never truly been with anyone else. I can’t even really say I ever dated, not in the true sense. So the idea is completely foreign that I prefer not to even entertain it. I would imagine it to be scary world, trying to find love twice, or possibly even more.
Yes, scary. Also, exciting. And yes, scary. Then again, most of us are social creatures – aren’t we?
I’ve been with my husband since I was 21. I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. And like Christine I’ve never been with anyone else. I watch my sister in the dating world and I just can’t imagine it. I know through her that it certainly is challenging. I am always a bit nervous and anxious on her behalf.
Am I vulnerable to love? Am with my love right now, on her computer next to me (ah, the forms love take). And so, “Yes.” Have been that way for decades (perhaps not when much younger, maybe didn’t know what love really was) and would hope always to be, one way or another.
thanks, i am good, i hope you are too 🙂
Oh, BLW, am in this situation now and it’s totally unanticipated though I knew this person through a four-month/two day/week intensive professional development course I taught 20 months ago. And, it is solidifying into something that feels safe, yet still with discovery and vulnerability… said person met two of my three children Friday, with the occasion so relaxed and with ease. Later, said person told me that my children were wonderful and that I had done a great job despite some horrific things that you know about, in terms of the incivility that preceded and accompanied the marriage descent into madness. We drank a small toast later, with champagne, to this: the ease in meeting, the graciousness and acceptance of my children, that my eyes are in dear dot’s face with my son sporting my hair color and texture; he smiles as I do, with her gestures while talking exactly like mine … That evening of appreciating them together is still flickering with me. Now, if only the other lost child could enter this kindly-tented space.
I do have some PTSD, though. And, see my therapist once per month to examine that and keep breathing: that was then, this is now.
This is now: this phrase is becoming a prayer for me.
Oh, NoName – you know I get this. You know how many other women (and some men) also get this… including years of conditioning to expect the worst, to feel undeserving of these good moments and possibly even more. The vulnerability that we must come to accept is part of the process, even as it sets off the desire to build walls (again) and erect some small measure of protection against hurt.
As for separating out old hurt from present day promise, it’s no small thing, is it. I do wish you strength and going with your fine instincts on this one – including recognizing his instincts in the remarkable job of mothering you’ve done, in spite of…
Oh the falling in love part is easy. It’s the staying in love… I’m a divorcee who still believes in happily ever after, except I’m also aware that the concept doesn’t mean perfection. It means constant hard work, compromising and the occasional disappointment. And that feelings of euphoria can come and go in waves, often interspersed with angst and doubt, depending on what’s on our plate. But as long as there’s a willingness on both parties to see this through, perhaps there is a way for happily ever after…
Perhaps.
As someone that was working on their budget last night, let me add financial vulnerability as a deterrent to remarriage. My support payments will temporarily exceed my net income for the next two months as we transition to our final agreement that covers the final four years. I live a frugal life except for golf and travel (my sanity essentials) so I’ll be fine but any future relationship will require me to either get past this vulnerability or try to protect myself with what is essentially a legal gamble (prenup).