Recently I read words I could relate to, written by a woman who was feeling – at that moment – overwhelmed and trapped. No matter what she tries – and she is working hard in so many ways – she lapses back into a sort of “creep” as she calls it.
It is something many of us understand, as reflected in responses from other women.
One remark stood out, and it is this:
I’m living a life that’s not working, and there’s no way out.
It is depression, you may say. But it is more, and while not solely the domain of women, personally, I’m more aware of its weight in the women I have known, the burdens of carrying expectations not only for ourselves but those we love.
This is the brew of troubles that Marge Piercy describes so eloquently in her poem “The Meaningful Exchange.” But it is not only the brew of troubles we carry for the men we love, but for the universe we care for which is both broad and intimate – our children, our friends, our dreams.
How many of us are living a life that isn’t working? Has this always been true for women – or men as well as women, but in differing ways? Thoreau’s “most men lead lives of quiet desperation” perhaps? Are we simply more open about it, as we send our words out into the worldwide web?
Or is it a continuing issue for women in contemporary culture, expectations that are set too high, and the marketing of “having it all” that we’ve bought into? Its extraordinary cost, unless we have the proverbial village to assist?
How do we find the way out, maintaining connections to what is important, without sacrificing our ability to enjoy any of it?
The Power of Dreams
I used to dream that I was confined in a large box with no way out. I was aware that there was space beyond, but I could never reach it. I would wake in a panic.
I’ve lived variations of this unsettling dream for years, and only once was I able to assess the situation clearly, recognize that I could fold down the walls of the box and simply step out into the expanse beyond. My freedom was there all along.
I was alone in the dream – perhaps a sign of being alone or something more metaphorical – that in moving out into the open I wasn’t leaving anyone else behind. Neither causing harm, nor abandoning responsibilities.
My way out – whatever that might mean – was a matter of willing those obstacles to disappear. Of course that was a dream. It’s not so easy to “will away” obstacles in the real world – the constraints of money, health, children who depend on us.
So what do you do if you feel you are living a life that’s not working?
- Do you walk away, ignoring consequences that will eventually catch up with you?
- Do you ask for help – if it’s possible?
- Do you struggle to fit the square peg into the round hole?
- Do you seek to reshape the peg or its receptacle?
- Might you refuse to play the game altogether – accepting that fitting pieces into place may not make sense?
Girl, I wish I knew.
I once did live a life that was not working, except I didn’t realize it for years. On the surface, everything seemed fine, but inside, I just felt like I was disappearing. And so, after an epiphany that came from a song, I decided to walk away. One of the hardest – and best – things I did, and I don’t regret it one bit. Hindsight is 20/20. I had no guarantees then that things would work out, but I had to believe it will. I had to have faith that there was something better out there or else I don’t think I would’ve found the courage to make that leap.
Maybe the box was a protection as well as a trap, maybe it was a way of making the feeling of isolation into a tangible image (perhaps an ancient pre-memory sort of sense memory)… who knows, but I can relate—and wish us out of our perception of the box into something that feels better and more connected. Not an easy path though. All Good Wishes.
I was pondering my own life that’s not working last night, and thinking about my grandfather. He seemed to live a pretty good life, better than most. But he never seemed ecstatic. I wondered if he was ever bored at his job, or frustrated at the way management seemed to be taking the company. There never was any question that he would leave – in those days, there was that strong employee-employer relationship that helped keep lives much more stable, and he knew he would have a comfortable retirement if he stuck it out for the long run. Still, I wonder if he just kept going through the motions out of a sense of duty and obligation to his family that depended on him, and not because he loved what he was doing. I think the mindset was different – he didn’t seem to expect happiness as a result of living. He just did what was expected of him. Today we want happiness, fulfillment,a comfortable lifestyle.
Quiet desperation and a life that isn’t working – oh boy, is it ever. Is it just me? My attitude that is so different than his? I don’t think so, not only that. Life feels – seems to be – very insecure today compared to the past. The model for an ideal life seems to be broken now. Yes, I have a job, and it’s as secure as any could possibly be but it’s a very poor fit for me and I feel like I’m not contributing one tenth of what I am capable of. Do I take my job for granted? No. Do I wish I could find some satisfaction 9 hours out of the day? You bet. But like grandfather, I soldier on…
I have come to understand how a person can just get in their car and drive off and never return. Literally and figuratively. I think about it a lot.
Thank you for joining the conversation, Gwen. And with such a thoughtful response. Those were different times, and I agree that something has been broken since.
Well you know how I feel on this issue, 🙂 (thanks for the shout out, and your constant, and kind support), and I certainly have no answers, but I do get the sense that we are talking about the right things, at least generally. That there seems to be a gentle change in the direction of the wind, that maybe finally we’ll realize it is what it is, and all will be just fine. That’s what I’m working on actually, through all of this hard work fraught with good and heavy and important parts, is actually just to trust that the universe knows what is good for me and all will be as it should be if only I let it.