You know the old adage – Don’t judge a book by its cover. In other words, we shouldn’t judge by appearances, though we know that first impressions count, that the public face is important to success in many areas, that social conventions serve their purpose.
But is anyone ever who you think they are?
Haven’t you encountered the most GLAM personalities who bewitch you in the beginning, and as you get to know them, you find they’re lacking substance or compassion, common sense or a modicum of kindness?
Are you who people think you are?
Recently I’ve met a number of new people. Yes, yes, yes. I confess. I said I would try to get out more in 2011, and I have. Just a bit. Attempting to meet some men, to see if I’ve aged out of the dating market (apparently not!), and to address the fact that later this year I will be a full-blown empty nester. Freedom!
Dating Dilemmas
The online dating world is awash with its particular brand of false advertising – though many would prefer to think of it as “putting themselves in the best light.” And when you meet someone face to face, they are usually nothing like the person they describe themselves to be – they don’t look like their photo, their mannerisms don’t match up to their so-called lifestyle.
You name it, they don’t seem it.
And even that – of course – is a matter of first impressions. Getting to know someone takes time. A great deal of time.
Friendship Factors
As for friends, who hasn’t found some to be of the fair weather variety? They hang with you when all is going well and you’re flush, but if life takes a nose dive (whatever the reason), they evaporate into thin air. Again – you never know who you’re dealing with until time and actions reveal the character of the person.
The good news? For every departing dandy there seems to be a corresponding cohort who sticks around and helps – with their warm wishes and creative counsel, a strong shoulder when you need it, and sincere pleasure when you experience a win.
The Romance Checklist
The Plain Jane who is a vixen in bed? Why not?
The paunchy, nerdy guy with the brilliant wit and a heart of gold? Equally possible.
Sometimes, we meet them online. We need to give them a chance. Sometimes we meet them in the real world. Oh, it certainly seems rare these days! But wherever you meet that genuine gem, your outlook changes in the playful smile of a man or woman who is a little too short, a little too plump, a little too old, and – on paper – “too much” of this and “too little” of that.
But surprise! You toss out the checklist and get a glimpse of a spectacular human being. Human, as in imperfect. Human, as in – fascinating. Human, as in – able to give and take. Human, as in – no agenda except to be himself and appreciate you being yourself.
And yes, that might include looking your best when you go out (who doesn’t love a snappy outfit and hot shoes?). That might also include thoughtfulness when you’re low on sleep or high on stress, and finding you to be delicious – just as you are.
Beauty, Money, Self-Esteem
What if you didn’t judge yourself by your own cover? By cultural standards of beauty or income or the car you drive and the square footage of your living space? What if you didn’t judge yourself by your job title?
What if your self-esteem was based on who you are and what you are, and I don’t mean Investment Consultant or Mother of Four or Deli Server or Journalist?
What if you could look in the mirror and appreciate what is there, far from an increasingly homogeneous standard of picture-perfect, fully aware of what pleases you, what you’ve earned, what you’ve learned, and more than anything – your own value system, accomplishments, your goodness?
What might that be like?
Function Over Form?
What if you could look at those you meet, take your time as you get to know them, and not judge by initial appearances – trappings that are easily faked and not essential to the measure of a real man, or for that matter, a real woman?
I love a beautiful book jacket as much as the next person, and “don’t judge a book by its cover” is never entirely possible. That cover attracts us, and attraction is important. But what if we judged not only ourselves but our romantic partners by the pages between the covers? And possibly the dynamism between the bed covers? What then?
What might the world look like if we focused on substance and surrendered our preoccupation with form?
I don’t like it when people ask what town I live in because it’s a very wealthy, well-to-do town. People automatically assume I have money and are one of “those” moms. I am the farthest thing from it. I have few friends (two or three actually) in my home town, mostly parents of my kids’ friends and I’ve been here since 1998. Yes, people tend to judge based on such a limited set of facts.
@Cathy – You’re right on target with that “judging by a limited set of facts.” And then come the assumptions, and more judgments, and more assumptions…
Since September, I have been seeing somebody who I find very charming and attractive. However, this person would not be a lead actor but the faithful and good sidekick. I am glad to have known this person through some professional circles for years, making me aware of character and collegiality first, rather than a romantic partner. Said person always brought a smile to my face, though. This turns out to be HUGE predictor of quiet happiness.
As for me? I have always been cute and neat. My size is the same roughly as in my 30s (now 50). Being trim is a huge advantage at mid-life, however, I recall the teens and twenties as being Midge and not Barbie. So, I understand that “shelving” move by shallower people.
Kindness, humor, tenderness, surprising sensuality in private, does house work, good parent to young child, bright, hard working: what is not to like?
Am happy, THOUGH: our children do not know, and my goodness, what are the structures like marriage but not marriage? Living together seems like marriage-lite, without benefit of insurance and clear financial sharing.
This ambiguity is challenging and more worrisome than the “are we handsome/beautiful/slim/rich/sexy enough” questions.
What are the structures like marriage, but not marriage? What a terrific question, NoName. One worthy of further discussion in a post of its own. But it sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. Maybe, there’s no need to name it, to categorize it, or to confine it.
A good writer will paint with a light touch, leaving space in the work, and relying on the reader’s natural tendency to connect the dots. Often we think we know a literary character well when, really, we’ve constructed a portrait from a few telling details. Our capacity to co-create a fictional personality serves us well when reading a novel, but leads to all sorts of difficulty when applied (as it inevitably is) to real people.
I think all these do change with age. As I grow older, I notice that my threshold for “the maximum age for a man” that i would consider to be attractive keeps on going higher and higher.
Men, on the other hand, do not do this, do they?
Huramph.
Thought provoking post! I read Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb last summer and she wrote many a page frowning on having a checklist. Or having a fairy tale romance. Or of the determination to ‘not settle’.
She basically said ‘good luck’ to those who do have a cement list, or chase a fairy tale or who will not ‘settle’ because everyone else who does not chase those goals are scooping up the best mates that are available. Even as a man, I learned a lot about dating and expectations.
It made we wonder: Would I pass muster if I compared myself to a checklist?
None of us pass muster when compared to a checklist! And that “settle for mr. good enough” stuff? Great marketing title, but still, the words that are used matter tremendously – and we ought to alter the conversation. We ought to celebrate “good” and ban words like “settle” from our relationship vocabulary. But then, I’ve already ranted on this subject – here – http://www.forbes.com/2010/01/11/marry-him-lori-gottlieb-love-forbes-woman-time-good-enough.html.
I see your point and agree about the words used. But after all, it’s just semantics isn’t it? If someone chooses to use the word “good” instead of “settle”, and it makes one feel better about the choice, by all means, choose those words.
Oh, don’t get me started on this. I simply don’t have enough time to devote to my opinion! I will say that there is something to be said for developing relationships in the blogosphere. I may never know what someone *looks* like, but I think, over time, I can *know* a person based on regular interaction with them via blogging, email, phone conversations….. 🙂