I’m on record, so to speak – against denial. At least, against the sort of positive denial that keeps men and women in dreadful relationships, or teetering on the edge of making necessary decisions about their future, rather than taking the plunge.
That plunge may be in or out – but it’s approached with due diligence – time and care.
I even go so far as to propose that I think like a man, or rather, that I choose to think like a man – when it suits my purpose.
Men and Women
But I am not a man. I am a woman, and happy with that state of affairs. I enjoy the company of men who are equally at home in their own sex. I recognize that we are different, though I admit I will never understand what makes a man tick, and I am often surprised, dismayed, incredulous – at times, enchanted – when it comes to our divergent dealings in a variety of issues.
We are different in ways that are subtle and striking, not the least of which is our approach to the truth.
I find myself most grateful for my male friends and acquaintances; they help me bridge the language gap, the behavior gap, the perspective gap – so I may better understand. Not only other men in the context of relationship, but the needs and feelings of my growing sons.
Men vs. Women
I listen attentively when men friends express their viewpoints – recognizing the range of responses that vary by age and experience, and certainly by cultural framework.
My French friends? They live their sexuality in a manner that is more expansive, more mischievous, and more grounded. Yes, this is a generalization. As for my American friends, I recognize the games they are forced to play, and the games they have mastered. I seek the counsel of men when I want to understand men. I seek the counsel of men, when I want a fresh look.
Note: I choose not to war in the Battle of the Sexes; I’ve lived my share of trenches and bloodshed, thank you. These days? I prefer to come in peace.
Unvarnished Truth?
Recently, an acquaintance offered an opinion. It was a relationship issue, and his words were illuminating. He was giving me a version of his Truth, and in a way that was palatable. I know there was a version that was even more clear, and more direct. I did not wish to hear it; to me, in that instance, I was in need of wisdom that was not entirely unvarnished.
And once again I return to a pop culture touchstone: a scene from Sex and the City, in Season Six, between Carrie Bradshaw and Aleksandr Petrovsky. He insists that she confront the possibility that her friend’s cancer may not be cured. Carrie, however, rails at Petrovsky, equally insistent that he not even speak such words. She blames his dire view on his dark, Russian persona, but I believe it’s simply more typical of men than women. The delivery of unvarnished truth.
Amusingly, Petrovsky is also attempting to instruct Carrie on the pleasures of espresso, taken black of course, and with nothing added to dilute its strength. But espresso isn’t to Carrie’s liking; she explains that she needs her drink with a little bit of milk.
Too much truth?
I am a woman who appreciates truth from my friends, truth in my relationships, and espresso – black. But in life, I need a modest measure of milk – not denial. This is the courtesy of a soft landing for truths which may hurt, yet I still desire a truthful opinion, when solicited.
While I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much truth (exactly), I do believe there are ways to deliver it so it is received well and constructively. I also believe that excessive disclosure achieves little, except destruction of an attractive air of mystery (vital to a woman) – and worse – unnecessary unburdening, often at the expense of another.
A woman who runs off at the mouth and tells all becomes uninteresting. I would say the same of a man, but men are less inclined to this behavior.
Relationship Madness
At the beginning of this year, I promised myself to “get out there” – to put my best face forward, to meet new people, and not to abandon my dreams to fear, to aging, or to societal expectation. My dreams as a woman. My dreams as a writer. The dreams that feed my adventurous spirit.
These are my truths – hoping for a time when I may spread my wings beyond motherhood, beyond the typical conservatism of a certain age, beyond my own expectations.
If loving – passionately, and even unconventionally – is an exquisite form of madness, then I hope to indulge in that madness once again. I believe the desire for it is shared by both men and women.
The willingness to admit it? That’s another story, and another difference that is not so surprising. Isn’t the fact that women are allowed more vulnerability in their expressiveness just one more truth?
© D A Wolf
I decided to get out too. I joined Match.com one day with no forethought or preplanning. I just don’t meet any single men. My friends are married. Married people usually have married friends right? So I still have the same friends. Well, the short version of the story is, Match was ok but I joined okCupid after reading about Mollys (http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com/1377/cupids-arrows) experience with it. Even if I don’t meet a great guy, the site makes the seeking pretty fun. I have met someone that is close by me that is a strong candidate for a fwb arrangement. Who would of thought I’d be considering that ever in my life? Anyway, if you haven’t checked it out before, it’s worth a look. Oh btw it’s free!
This is interesting to read as I have a relationship with truth that is unlike any I have observed before. I would prefer to have the truth over any softening or filtering to make it anything less. Sure, some details are not important as they are details that describe or give weight or whatever… but the truth is the truth. It stands straight and tall and needs details, not… but it is there regardless of how one tries to soften it or color it or make it something else.
There is, however, a difference between leaving out details or the “story” and omitting information which, in a sense, is a form of dishonesty… and yet is omission just not giving it all away? Leaving some sort of mystery?
I know men that will omit and filter such that the story resembles, only slightly and with a lot of imagination, the truth… and yet this is reasonable to them… and I don’t get it? Why not just state the facts and move on?
Thanks for the thoughtful post. In many ways, I find my friendships with men far more easy to navigate. I don’t mince words; they don’t mince words. We agree upfront to always tell it like it is. No sugar coating, no worrying about stray landmines. My friendships with women are more complicated. Layers of additional crap that our culture puts on women. Sometimes it feels as though we have no choice but to put it on each other. Some of my female friendships thrive; others wither due to unspoken jealousy and competition. This is why one of my mottos for this year is “carry your own shit, people.” Well, that and “may the bridges I burn light the way.” (Snicker.)
The air of mystery….oh I find it bothersome! Don’t speak in circles; don’t speak in riddles. I like a little mystery, but I am one of those inquiring minds that wants to know. And if I don’t find out, then I only feel frustrated. I think it’s because the mystery for a lot is simply a game, a ploy for attention. For me, that tells me someone/something can’t stand on its own merit.
And, men are so much easier to deal with than women.
In the war of the sexes, perhaps it’s just as well to arrive in peace but to come, as kurt Cobain once sang, as you are. I certainly root for you, and all of us, to never let go of dreams, to never stop loving, however risky it may sometimes feel. After all, although we may not be sure if anyone will love us, no one can stop us from loving others, and even the world—and it’s in the giving of love that we get the real liberation, spirit gold and just plain fun. Getting love helps us become secure (and that is a blessing), but giving love may be where wings of desire take true flight.
I don’t tend to reveal all upfront, but I do believe in frank honesty. It’s better for everyone. Of course, by honesty I don’t mean spilling everyone’s secrets and leaving nothing to the imagination. It’s more about presenting your authentic self and not trying to control the relationship.
But Bruce, my awesome friend, the lyrics are: Come as you are/As you were/As I want you to be…
Damn, that kid was an emotional sponge, no? When I look at those lyrics, it sounds like my own mind before a social event/party: Can I get out of being here? Okay, no. Can I skip out early? Maybe. What the Hell do I have to wear? Should I even care? Is there anyone I can talk to who doesn’t make me want to jump out of my skin? Likely not.
Cue the three glasses of wine and the Dancing Bear. So I can be there but not be me.
You always make me think, BLW.
I never liked Aleksandr Petrovsky. Everyone deserves to be with their Mr. Big, or should I say, their Monsieur Le Grand?? =>
Ha! I never cared for Petrovsky with Carrie either. But – I’m a big Barishnikov fan. Did you ever see the 1977 film The Turning Point? Anne Bancroft, Shirley McClain – a film about two women friends and about the ballet. Barishnikov was an extraordinary dancer – and absolutely adorable in that film. It was on cable recently as well.
Yes, everyone needs their Mr. Big (or possibly Aidan?) – and I’ll take mine with espresso, s’il vous plait. 😉
The blunt honest truth is not always appropriate, there is room in life for honesty, withholding information to spare someone’s feelings, and harmless lies to improve a bad situation; the key is to think of the other person and what is best for them.
Instead of SATC, I thought of the final moments of “Casablanca” reading your post, Rick has maintained a secret throughout the film that he reveals at the airport. His dialogue in the following scene is a elegant combination of honesty and dishonesty to achieve a goal, to convince Ilsa to do what is best for her.
Rick: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn’t that true, Louie?
Captain Renault: I’m afraid Major Strasser would insist.
Ilsa: You’re saying this only to make me go.
Rick: I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ilsa: But what about us?
Rick: We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.
Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.
Rick: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.
[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]
Rick: Now, now…
[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]
Rick: Here’s looking at you kid.
(dialogue courtesy of imdb.com)
batticus – You romantic, you! This is classic stuff. “We’ll always have Paris.” (My favorite line in all of that. No surprise, hmm?)
I believe in honesty, but I am guarded about what I reveal, especially in women friendships. I believe it is trusting the other person and gaging what they will keep in confidence and what they may reveal to others. It’s definitely hard to figure out sometimes.