Have you ever tried the see-saw? Do you remember the pleasure of riding up and down, up and down – but only enjoying it if your friend on the other side was of similar size and weight?
When the balance is a mismatch, you are more likely to pop up in a jerky fashion (and be left there), or, to be unable to successfully get off the ground. Your partner in play can resemble anyone or anything, of any age or gender – but he or she must be close to you in size and weight for the experience to function – and be fun.
What of the tug-of-war, a more blatant competition? Do you prefer the see-saw, or the test of wits and strength – along with the option of winding up face first in the muddy trough if you lose?
What Do You Learn From Endings?
What do you learn from friendships that end, from relationships that splinter, from marriages that simply peter out?
- What happens when life circumstances toss everything up in the air, and when the pieces settle, your life no longer resembles its former configuration?
- As an adult, how do you react to the see-saw effects in relationships, not to mention the tugging power plays and wrenching compromises?
I have written of the need to say “no,” and how I’ve improved on a tendency to say yes too often over the years. When I fall back on old habits, I work to re-learn the art of “no.”
In general, I try to learn from each experience with friends or partners, and certainly with my children. While looking to the past (and living there) can be indulgent, it is also instructive if we do not dwell, or beat ourselves up over being human – and fallible. We can see our patterns, and try to change them.
Settling and Equality
There is much written about women “settling” for men – and settling is a word I dislike in the context of male-female interaction or in any relationship for that matter. But you know what I mean – finding someone who is “good enough” rather than all-the-heart-desires, or what your friends (or family) think you should be looking for. This isn’t to say that going for good — really good, for you — doesn’t make sense.
The issue of settling is especially true for women as we age, as we carry more “baggage” – another term I dislike – or perhaps unrealistic expectations. In my experience, men are given the “you should settle” advice less often; their sweep of possibilities is broader. It’s demographics and social convention, and we all know it.
Looking to the playground – watching games and recalling their dynamics – offers ample illustration of the problems when inequities are involved. Some might say – inequalities. There again, I don’t care for the phrase that a woman should “find her equal” – or worse, that she deserves her equal; there is judgment, entitlement, and lack of precision in that sort of easy comment.
What I do believe in? Men and women need to find appropriately balanced partners. How else can the see-saw be enjoyable for both? How else can the tug-of-war include fair play?
Compromise
We all make compromises in relationships. It is the imbalance of compromises (work, decision-making, and so on) that will fuel resentment – when those compromises are assumed, or go without appreciation.
Part of what we learn in each new pairing – with a friend or a loved one – is the rhythm of that necessary give-and-take that allows the relationship to thrive.
Are we constantly asking our partner to give something up? Are we doing so through our actions, if not our words? Is the other in the driver’s seat all the time – insisting on control or being right – leaving us face down in the mud, or high and dry on the end of the see-saw, unable to get our feet back on the ground?
Balance of Power
There are good men and good women who have yet to find each other. Some have baggage and I say good for them. With life experience comes compassion. With time, we let go of preconceived notions about who we should love and what he or she might look like. Credentials. Height. Hair color. Career choice.
I don’t believe we need to seek the elusive “equal,” or that women must feel they are finding a superior provider (the proverbial “marrying up”). I think we are better off recalling the lessons of the playground – and what makes for fair play, and genuine pleasure. To me, that means a suitable partner for the see-saw, or the unavoidable games of tug-of-war.
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As for “settling”, I think any happily married person knows there is no “perfect”. I think that term is where it is appropriately applied. I don’t think that all relationships need to be equal distribution or balanced to be happy and successful. Each person has needs and it seems to me to be more of a function of if those needs are being fulfilled, rather than equal.
This spoke volumes to me, as you may know, so thank you. Reading this: “While looking to the past (and living there) can be indulgent, it is also instructive if – we do not dwell, or beat ourselves up over being human – and fallible. We can see our patterns, and try to change them.” really helps, especially when paired with my recollection of something else you said to me, which is people don’t want to hurt one another. Simple words, but so powerful, so true, and that has seen me through some really dark moments recently.
Your post here just confirms our responsibilities towards our partners, not only in not hurting them, but in letting them know that we truly and genuinely care by our words AND our actions. Sometimes when we’re so mired in life’s challenges outside of the relationship, it’s difficult to see the one thing that should be so clear to us – that the love and support you get from your partner can see you through it if you just let them in, and that we should never take them for granted. And I agree that both partners should feel the same – it has to be balanced for it to really work.
The whole notion of equality has pretty much ruined relationships. Given that hypergamy (a woman marrying up) is a biological instinct, relationships are unbalanced to begin with. So once the unbalanced, but biologically healthy, relationship has formed, the social expectation of equality kicks in. A woman feels the need to compete and be strong in the face of her partner. But that strength is too often expressed as a masculine energy. An honest and deeply intimate relationship should never be about power. Who comes up with this stuff? Can we keep the gender politics out of the home in the context of personal relationships. The see-saw analogy is so much better.
Let’s be righteously politically incorrect. A man should lead in the context of the relationship. That is the nature of biology. Why are men physically stronger and have better spatial skills? It’s because men are the protectors and providers. Why are women far more attracted to taller men? Because their biology tells them to seek the provider and protector. This is in all our DNA! OK, time for the “not all men and women are like that” chorus. I’ll wait…
The original social contract between the genders was accepted because of the patently obvious biological differences between men and women, including behavior differences. Then we attempted to create a new social contract with the notion that women are liberated from the traditional, gender-based social expectations. The contract also has the notion that the traditional female role was boring/stifling/abusive to her. Was marriage really that bad? Sure, for some individuals, of course. But all of them?
A new social contract is all fine and dandy except the unintended consequence was that men were liberated as well. And too many were liberated only to become selfish cads just as too many women were liberated to become bossy and domineering. Toss in casual sex, no-fault divorce laws, and a lousy economy and it becomes little surprise that the state of relationships is dismal.
As for this whole “deserve” thing? No one deserves anything. Are we that entitled to think that Ms Perfect and Mr. Perfect are supposed to be there for us with scant regard to what we offer that perfect person? Actually, after reading about a zillion online dating profiles, women really do feel they deserve Prince Charming with almost no regard to what they offer Prince Charming. And yes, even for women over 50, a man’s height is a huge requirement. In fact, it’s been my experience and observation that women get more selective as they get older, for better and worse.
I’m going to be very, very honest about this whole “I want a woman with accomplishments” stuff which harkens to the notion of finding an “equal” for a relationship. Men don’t care, we really don’t. Being a corporate attorney for a major corporation makes a woman interesting, but does absolutely nothing to elevate her attractiveness. In fact, if the ongoing quest for those accomplishments consumes most of a woman’s time and energy, it actually lowers her attractiveness in the context of dating and relationships. Sure, it’s nice that she’s financially independent, but that’s a bare minimum requirement in today’s world, regardless of gender.
I’m grateful and appreciative of the imperfect yet balanced relationship I’m in. And sometimes, if I’m honest, I’m the one who feels inferior. He could do so much better, I think. So how do we cope with that, when we haven’t settled but occasionally feel as though our partner did? Maybe I just need a full night’s sleep to right myself on this relationship seesaw. Couldn’t hurt anyway!
Oh, Stacia. If I had a dollar for every woman who walks around feeling inferior to those around her – especially – the man in her life – I wouldn’t be worried about coming up with college money for my kids!
Somehow, we – as women – need to come to terms with our own inability to “do it all” and “be it all” and do and be everything flawlessly. Somehow, as women, we need to stop raising our daughters to feel the same sort of responsibility toward those they love.
I have a feeling that this kicks in BIG TIME in the child-rearing years, in part because we are, as you say, in need of a full night’s sleep! And we want to be great mothers and great wives and great friends, neighbors, workers, managers, writers, musicians, dreamers… and it isn’t possible to go around the clock on 24/7 duty. Or even 20/7 duty.
I wish for you – and all the men and women in the midst of the blur of kids and commotion and expectations on themselves that are unrealistic – many full nights of sleep. And remembering that we are all worthy of being held in esteem, and loved.
Wow, I’m a guy who really disagrees with Zammo. Some of my responses to this can be found amid comments at my blog re what makes a sustaining marriage (from a recent NYTimes article focused on mutual growth and stimulation). Basically, my wife and I are different in some ways (love that) and similar in basic ways (active, intelligent, happy, good mental health). I can’t imagine having a significant relationship with other than an intelligent, articulate woman whom I could consider a full equal (separate but equal works here). We enjoy a hearty debate and yes, we certainly do. We learn so much from each other. I find her attractive and physical, but that’s the usual stuff and I believe we’re well matched in that regard.
I like your concept of “separate but equal” in this usage, though I picture more like a Venn diagram in which there is overlap, and the extent of that overlap (or separate regions) depends upon the individuals involved.
Men don’t care, we really don’t.
Actually some of us do care about some of these things. Some of us care because we want depth and ambition. Some of us care because accomplishments are something that are interesting to us.
The beauty of people is that we are all different.
Agreed, certainly a Venn is in mind.