Last night I came across this – on Free Range Kids, about an incident in which the authorities were called when a mother allowed her 8-year old to play in a nearby park, alone.
I was struck by how much has changed in a generation.
I grew up “set loose” in the afternoon after school, as long as there wasn’t an activity – piano lessons, dance class – and I was expected to return home in time for dinner.
On the weekends, unsupervised time was the norm, and it was usually spent outside. We all ran freely from house to house, and playground to park.
No one kept tabs. No one worried about keeping tabs.
But the way I’ve raised my children is different. In this house, while free thinking reigns, free wandering does not, and never has. Free range kids? You’re more likely to find free range chicken.
I read the article with mixed feelings. Regret, that the world had become a (seemingly) more dangerous place since my own childhood. Anger that the mother mentioned in the article was intimidated by the authorities. Her child was playing alone in a public park; it’s not illegal and he was fine.
But I wouldn’t have done it.
Childhood experiences
My ex grew up in Europe, where his family was the epitome of free range parenting. There were siblings, cousins, and the setting was a small town. Everyone knew everyone. While I may have been let loose within a half-mile or even one-mile radius, I imagine his radius was considerably larger.
I constantly heard horror stories from my mother (which kept me relatively close to home), and they accomplished their mission: don’t talk to strangers because (x), don’t cross that major street by yourself because (y), don’t ride your bicycle there because (z)… You get the picture.
And naturally, when it came to the kids, my ex and I butted heads. He thought they should roam wherever they pleased and I shouldn’t worry. I thought that was nuts. He also thought it was fine to leave them home alone at a younger age, at least for short periods. Again, not on my watch.
Over-protective?
By the nineties when I had my children, the world had changed; certainly, our awareness of it had. The media – and milk cartons – offered up one cautionary tale after another, and most of us responded as you would expect – with greater caution.
One of my sons was talkative and intuitive. He received greater “wandering” rights though he certainly wasn’t a free-range kid. I would say he was a free range teen, and I felt okay about that.
As for my younger son, I was more protective. Over protective? That’s a judgment call. But let him wander anywhere – even in the neighborhood? Not on your life. He was smaller than all his friends, with his head in the clouds. He paid attention to little – not unusual for a creative kid. But he would’ve been an easy mark for anyone, anywhere.
As a parent, I recognized the differences in the two boys and followed my gut. And when they were little, this was something we argued over. Their father thought they should be able to play as he did, in his European upbringing. But this wasn’t Europe in the 60s or 70s, and I put my foot down. Not until I thought they were big enough – physically – to be less of a target.
Fear (in parenting)
As parents, I’m not sure we know what “style” we’ll adopt at different stages. I do know that my parental style varied with location, with age of the kids, and with the differences inherent in each of them. I acted and reacted at least in part out of fear; those “horror stories” planted in my head by my own mother did their trick. But so did the stories that we heard in the news, and my own experience of a few incidents with children or mothers I knew.
Fear played a healthy part in my kids being anything but free-range, because I was chicken. Utterly unwilling to take a risk with their physical safety in an age when it seems that simple things do indeed carry risk.
Parenting styles
The hallmark of my parenting style has been taking my cues from my kids. But I admit, it has also included an inclination to keep them safe. Very safe. At least, until they were older and I believed they could handle themselves.
I don’t regret the choices I made – in keeping them close (and knowing where they were). My younger son bristles when he’s on the receiving end of that tendency, now, and he’s right. I have to remind myself that he’s older, not “little” any longer, and maturing. Rapidly.
I believe we are wired to protect our children with what we know, what we learned in our childhoods, and what we feel… whether we can articulate it or not. And we act on that and should be allowed to do so – freely.
- Are you a protective parent? An over-protective parent?
- Do you have disagreements with your spouse over parenting styles?
- Are you free range? Is it a function of where you live? How you were raised?
Image courtesy Flickr via Creative Commons License.
My eldest complains about me being over-protective all the time. I do not think I am though. I actually worry that I may be too lax. I guess this is relative too.
It is a different world. I was raised free range – amazingly out of parent’s sight for the day without worry or fear on their part. My dad was even more free to do his thing than I was – the advantage of small town America. I don’t allow my daughter such a life though, like you, she has complete freedom of thoughts, ideas, imagination.
@subWOW – They complain about our being overprotective – but they like our presence. That much I know. That security. On the other hand, I readily admit that sometimes when my younger son complains, he’s quite justified. 🙂
@TE – I wonder how many parents allow – and even encourage – free range thinking? Personally, I think it’s mighty important.
You should know that unless you raised your kids in the 80s, the world has not become more dangerous than when you grew up.
In fact, crime has been steadily dropping for the past few decades, and we’re now at 1960s levels!
The world is safer now than it was when *I* was growing up, and I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise.
Hi Uly. Welcome. I do realize that statistically, “the world” is safer than it was. And I wish we could have free-range kids. I can only speak for my kids, my parenting, my neighborhood, my city – and do what I think is best for them, which changes as they get older of course. So much in this equation is variable, and a judgment call.
Your title for this is so. great.
My siblings and I were free-range kids – though not in the urban landscape. Our “free range” was hundreds of acres and dirt roads that few people even knew where to find. Safe, practically and statistically.
I admire the bravery, practicality, independence and whatever other qualities drive parents now to let their young children play in the park alone or stay in the car by themselves. But it isn’t for me. According to lots of data, our world is actually safer than it was in “the good old days” of the 1950s and ’60s. But it doesn’t feel safer! It feels more populated and disjointed and unfamiliar.
I allow my toddler more independence than many people offer theirs – but I’ve settled back in the country. Of course, my in-laws, who live in town and always have, are afraid of the dangers of “the woods.” I can’t make them believe that busy city streets are more dangerous because of the cars alone!
A different time and place, indeed. My parents kept a pretty tight leash on me (especially since I was the first kid) but relaxed somewhat with my younger sisters. Still, that was fairly restrictive compared to what our friends were able to do. My husband, on the other hand, had relatively more freedom to “wander” — his parents didn’t let him go totally free-range in suburbia, but I think their growing up in small farm communities, where everyone knew everybody else, contributed somewhat to that.
I sense that when his parents were kids, there was a tacit understanding in those communities that anything out of line — in the kids’ behavior or in interactions between unsuspecting children and suspicious-looking adults — would be reported on or dealt with by whoever happened to be on the scene. The whole “it takes a village” thing, you know?
The world has changed from when we were kids, there is the “fear” component that comes from reporting every crime in our 24 hour news world, the “celebrity” that comes from this news world where a sick individual with nothing to live for decides to change his fortunes at the expense of society, and the “access” we have to information with the internet, repeated exposure to images and video will desensitize individuals and these desensitized individuals can cross over to real life. Fortunately, what hasn’t changed is the vast majority of people are decent and would help any child in distress. Parenting in this complex world is tough, fortunately cellphones are cheap and kids don’t mind texting when they arrive somewhere or you want to check on them. Modern smartphones even have GPS location based services that can let you know where the phone is located once every 15min, once those become ubiquitous, hopefully that translates into more freedom for kids and comfort for parents.
You raise an important point, batticus. Not only the media issue (we’re bombarded), but – We actually have many more ways to keep track of our kids – in a constructive context, given our complicated schedules. Then we get into the issue of overdoing it. I held off on cell phones for my kids for years, not only for budget reasons, but I only thought it was necessary as a solo parent, trying to coordinate 3 schedules. That was about “getting it all done” and not keeping tabs. But many parents keep kids on a ridiculous leash through cell phones and other electronics. IMO.
I grew up in a very overprotective household, where my parents were hesitant about sleepovers, staying outside too late or missing curfew. As a result, I think my sister and I are risk averse. I hope I am able to strike a balance with my own daughter. I don’t think the world is the same and that we do have to be more vigilant, but also simultaneously we should encourage being carefree.
I think now we hear more – we are expected to more sources of news worldwide than when we were growing up (or at least the older of us). I doubt there is really more reason to be watchful than there was when I was growing up – we just hear more about it. We are more fearful now. Living in a small town, the “range” may be larger than living in a city. Obviously it has to be a individual choice as are all things when it comes to raising our children. I prefer the free range idea, within reason.
I can relate to this on both sides—being a kid who played along the railroad tracks, rode bikes amongst giant trucks in industrial sections and rifled through industrial waste and dumpsters in search of forbidden treasures. We got up to much no good, but I’m glad looking back to have had my experiences.
Then it came to parenting and I too took my cues from my kids, who seemed vaguely more frightened than curious about the lurid and dangerous world portrayed on their screens and telegraphed by our squeezing hands in crowded places.
Perhaps we can only do so much as individuals, given that yesterday’s adequate parenting prompts today’s call to Child Protective Services. Maybe we just keep them safe AND implore them toward loving kindness, compassion and the possibility of constructing a world where it might be safe to play free range once again.