This week, Gale at Ten Dollar Thoughts wrote about the division of responsibilities among couples – how the lines are drawn when it comes to bringing home the bacon, household chores, childcare, cooking, yard work, and more. As a long-time single parent, my view of domestic duties operates from a different perspective. I’ve raised my sons largely solo.
As I was reading Gale’s words, I thought about the weight of the workload when it isn’t shared. And of course, the little dramas, the big worries, and the abundance of joy that comes with parenting under any circumstances.
Holidays past…
There’s a chill in the air, there are leaves on the ground, and who isn’t pondering the upcoming holidays? This year as Halloween is upon us, a few ghosts have come calling.
My sons are teenagers. Behind us are the days of last minute costumes and hauling in Halloween loot. Like most kids, my boys couldn’t wait for trick-or-treating. I rolled my eyes and tended to preparations, but it was their dad who took them trekking through the neighborhood – with their best friends and usually the other fathers.
As for me, I stayed at home – doling out chocolate to knocks, squeals, and a stream of goblins and ghouls on the doorstep.
Holidays post divorce
If you have kids, holiday headaches are many – as are the delights. But how do you split the Halloween hassles, and holiday workloads in general? And if you’re divorced, how have things changed?
- Are holidays tainted by anger and aggravation?
- Have you mastered the art of amicable cooperation?
- How do you make it “alright” for your children?
- And who gets custody of Halloween?
Single parenthood comes with plenty of challenges. At the holidays, many of us struggle to do the best we can, or simply get through. It’s hard on the children. Hard on the adults. Planes, trains, and automobiles replace hours of relaxation, and echoes of days gone by are inevitable for most of us.
Holiday Traditions
In our household, I was the cheerleader when it came to the holidays – the planning, the shopping, the cooking, the decorating. And I adored all of it. In particular, Thanksgiving and Christmas were a labor of love. I plunged in energetically, and we have many happy memories.
Halloween is a “biggie” to little kids. The pleasure of costumes and mischief-making, competition over who has the most goodies, and naturally… all that sugar. There is also the delight of wandering in the dark with an adult hand and a flashlight. Left to myself to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas? I anticipated a measure of heartache. But post-divorce Halloween?
Another story.
Custody of Halloween?
The first few years after my marriage ended, we remained in the family home. I tried to hang on to it, but financially, it was untenable. Still, during those years of transition, that security felt important. The boys could still wake up in the same rooms, take the same school bus, and run next door to see friends.
As for Halloween, they joined their buddies since birth (and the other fathers), and so it was business as usual. Did they miss their dad? I imagine they did. But at least the logistics were familiar. Until they weren’t.
The first few years in our new little house were difficult. I drove my boys to the old neighborhood often, and dropped them off next door to our former home. It was painful. As for Halloween, I recall heading back to meet up with their friends, and somehow we missed them. I circled in the car, and got madder and madder. I yelled. They grew sullen. The bottom line? I ruined their Halloween.
Recreating traditions
What my sons couldn’t know of course, was that the anger masked my grieving – for a life that was a gone and a sort of family I could no longer provide them. I was dealing with single parent guilt. And worse, with ghosts. Not just on Halloween, but every time I drove through our old neighborhood, and by our old home.
With time, we adjust to most changes. Children adjust, adults adjust, and we settle into alternate rhythms, creating new traditions.
This Halloween, I will open the door to goblins and ghouls. The ghosts of All Hallow’s Eve? Most, happily, have drifted off into the distance.
Well, as you might suspect, we spend Halloween together with our kids, although one year he did get mad and failed to go trick or treating with us. I have some posts planned around this topic so check in. This year I invited his girlfriend to join us because she actually sewed part of my daughter’s costume. It’s a little bit of a challenge for me because it will probably change my interaction with him, but I feel that it’s the right thing to do. Will be processing that in future posts, I’m sure.
xo-Molly
I will definitely check in, Molly! Of course, logistics are very different when parents live hundreds of miles apart as opposed to in the same area. The “girlfriend” element is a toughie. I think you’re doing a great job of managing all those issues.
Thanks! I think that encouragement is one of the benefits of blogging…
Such a relief when ghosts become faded memory. And how true that children and adults can adjust and be happy post-divorce.
I have been a single parent so long, it has become second nature to take on all of the ‘chores’ myself.
The guilt I have felt for the seasons was more about the lack of funding. The kids not getting the costumes they saw hanging in the stores.. We always managed to pull it off and made some great memories. Luckily, I have managed to hang on to our family home through all of the trials as it is a small and inexpensive mortgage.
All in all though, I feel the most angst for their absent father. He is the one who will have the regrets. He is the one missing out.
I don’t think you should feel guilt. Your sons as they are older, will see the ways you ‘attempted’ to make their holidays the best they could be. The way you drove them back to the old neighborhood and opened old wounds in order to make them more comfortable. They know…
Last year we went through the complicated “who gets the holiday” only to end up sharing Thanksgiving (to our daughter’s horror) with the rest of the holiday schedule remaining consistent – with me. This Halloween, I thought it would be different as I offered dad the chance to take her trick-or-treating… which he accepted and then changed his mind. I will treasure sharing another trick-or-trading season with my daughter and her love for the creativity and the detail that is Halloween.
As a single parent from the get go – there was never a question as to who would do what. When Dad started rattling his swords last year to be a parent, I thought things would change… but they didn’t. Parenting to him is about the three kids hanging out with no other responsibilities or interaction on his part. So… it is the way it always was… and we are happy.
@TE – We do the best we can, right? And often, that’s pretty damn good!
@Notasoccermom – I hear you, on all counts.
@Belinda – Some ghosts are tougher than others, and some moments are tougher. But I’ve discovered that we can be “bigger and badder” than ghosts, especially when it comes to making kids happy.
The story behind your Halloween makes my heart ache. I’m glad most of the ghosts no longer linger, but for those that still do, I’m sending extra virtual flashlights to push back the dark.
Thank you CT. As with everything, time helps. And who doesn’t need virtual flashlights? 🙂
I think that would be so hard, to divide the holidays.
Our Halloween tradition is to have pre-Trick-or-Treating chili party for the block and then while the ladies help me clean up, the dads take the little ones trick-or-treating. I love this, since it’s often snowy and cold on Halloween and I’d rather be inside!
SNOW for Pumpkin Time? (OMG. I’d need extra chunks-o-choco-choco-choco-laht!!!)
Another thing to add to the already-long-enough list of things we are to grieve as a result of our divorce. Ugh. No wonder the single-parent guilt is a regular visitor (speaking for myself….)!