It works every time. Ten tips for this. Ten things you don’t know. It gets your attention, doesn’t it?
Yesterday I came across 10 Things a Man Should Know About Marriage.
The fact that this series of snippets was directed at men? That made it even more irresistible – advice offered to guide the guys through their wedding worries. And it’s all there. Everything from how to propose to a woman (gaze into her eyes so you get the “gasp”), to acceptable (if not preferred?) snoozing through the planning details. Then there is the blur of that special day itself.
Want more? The keys to a happy marriage according to these tongue-and-cheek tips from Esquire?
Then follow the link above and enjoy it! It’s very entertaining Friday fare, and certainly hearkens back to earlier generations when these marriage tips held true. Come to think of it, they may still hold true as I ponder the men I’ve known, and even the one I once married.
The formula for a successful marriage
Then again, there’s little that is formulaic in life. Our propensity for reducing experience to a single set of shimmering should-dos is very American, don’t you think? And appealing. Who can stop from peeking at 10 tips on… whatever?
As for marriage – like love and sex, like parenting, like anything to do with relationships – I doubt that a single formula will guarantee you success.
Still, I’ll toss my hat (or veil) into the mix, and counter Esquire’s wry and sly slides with a few thoughts of my own.
So tell me, guys and gals – is there wisdom to be had, or is it all a crap shoot?
10 Things I would suggest to men before they marry
Those tips you’ll read? Those that suggest a big ring, the splashy proposal, leaving all the details of wedding planning to her? You’re marrying an individual, not a Barbie doll, right? You’d better know your woman well, and pick and choose where she wants you involved.
I will agree with the recommendation that when it comes to the 7-year itch, don’t scratch! But I have a few tidy tidbits of my own, as long as we’re reducing life’s major events to a short list:
- Get damn good at pretending to listen. Better yet, actually learn how. That’s Listen, not Fix.
- The big ring? Sure, fine, if you can afford it and she really wants it. But better the big heart. No kidding.
- The four C’s (color, cut, clarity, carats) aren’t the only way to make a woman swoon. For the long run, go for the fifth C. Compromise. Especially critical when you hit the next: Children.
- Date night. Or afternoon. Or morning. Or lunch hour! Don’t forget to keep going out. With each other.
- You don’t have to give up your buddies or your own interests. Neither should she. As long as they don’t send you to separate continents for 3 months at a time.
- Don’t look at other women when your wife is there. Especially if she’s pregnant. Enough said.
- Tell her she looks hot. Pick your moments. Believable moments. Not when she’s been up all night on a project, with the newborn, or just turned 50 and feels like a hag.
- Learn to write. A love letter. A list. Three sentences. Why you love her. Then remind her from time to time, and yourself. While you’re at it – ask her to do the same.
- Talk. Women can’t read minds any more than men can. If you want something, tell her. Nicely. You just may be (happily) surprised…
- That “growing old together” thing? It sounds romantic, but the reality is tough. Years take their toll. So pull out your lists and letters of why you love each other. Add to them. Talk about it. Preferably in bed.
Now do we really think something as important and variable as marriage can be reduced to a set of tips? Is there anything of value in any of this?
We do so like our lists – the formula that will bring happiness and contentment and eliminate the hard work that we know is actually required.
Men seem so different than women – I would include, on a list, Communicate, Communicate, Communicate – There is no room in that relationship for hiding information or yourself. Trust that she loves you and be yourself… and give her the same in return. Honesty is an easier pill to swallow than living the lies. Share yourself, your lives, and laugh a lot…
Oh, and take responsibility for your actions – there is no right or wrong in marriage or a close relationship.
Ensure that each of you has room for growth – room to dream and be supported.
I like your list. But I think when she’s just turned 50 and feels like a hag would be a great time to enfold her in your arms and tell her she’s hot. And loved.
Wouldn’t it be great if everything could be covered with a list?
Actually Carol – I think you’re quite right. On all counts.
The best advice I got was to remember to be kind to each other. Life gets messy, but even a simple “can I get you a glass of water” means the world after a long day. And please and thank you aren’t just for strangers.
In watching friends marry (and divorce), I know now there is no formula. No simple set of things to do. But there may be a few don’ts. Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t be cruel.
I love your list! And as someone who has most of her marriage ahead of her I appreciate this perspective. Now I must go check out the original article – probably for a good laugh. Happy Friday!
The old pics with the original article / slides are pretty cool. Another time, and another world, I think.
I definitely agree that there is no formula to making a happy marriage. The two marriages I think I know best – my own and that of my parents – look nothing alike, but both are working fine so far. So while I don’t think any handy-dandy list of ten tips could ever cover the inevitable peaks and valleys of marriage, I can’t find anything on your list with which to disagree. And since you mentioned that “fifth C” – compromise – one could do very well to start with your list, adding and subtracting as it makes sense.
There are no tricks other than do not make an unforgiveable mistake. The fact is marriage is a crazy mix of two people and all their mistakes. You either solve them together or not. I think sometimes marriage is less about love and more about committment. I do not mean that there is no love involved, what I mean is the love will come and go, you will fall in love several times in your lifetime and hopefully it is with your spouse. But sometimes, it is really about putting your nose to the grind stone and see what happens. No matches are made in heaven. I love this quote by Abe Lincoln (one of my favorite presidents, especially after reading a recent book about him), “Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.”
Great quote, Joely!
I don’t have a model for a successful marriage, so we’re making it up as we go along. One thing that we are both learning is how invaluable open, active communication and touch is. When all else fails, hold hands and talk it out. That personal connection can get you through, but you have to hold onto it.
I’m with you all the way here (and twenty years in still excited about making it even better… having at least tried to follow these precepts, or at least grow toward them). One thing I’d add, is to be sure to laugh together—which includes your first point since if you marry a smart funny woman but never listen, you can’t possibly laugh at her jokes.
“If you marry a smart funny woman but never listen, you can’t possibly laugh at her jokes.”
I love it, Bruce! And here’s to your 20 years and going strong!
While lists may not be a guide to marriage, lists are helpful as reminders of what we can do in our marriage to make it better, more interesting, exciting. And reading other people’s lists (like yours) help us add to our own.
And I also agree with Carol – turning 50 is exactly the time to tell her she looks hot and is indeed loved!
Excellent list for the pre-wedded man. Actually, the list is excellent for every man with a woman in his life, regardless of the marital status. I especially LOVE #1. As I said in an earlier post, marriage is making the decision to love *in spite of* as well as *because of*!
Great list and each one I can support. As an aside, I’ve had a number of male friends tell me they love pregnant women — especially if they’re the ones responsible.
Anything of value? I’d say talk and listen, the big two!!
Loved this! I guess it can be said for any long-term relationships, so I’m sending this off to My Guy. We’re doing well for the most part but I have baggage that can sometimes drag us down into the depths, and we need to remember these fundamentals that made us who we are, and to cherish those parts of us that we love. And continue to strive to be better every day, no matter how long we’ve been together.