I could almost smell them. Lilies. Roses. Sprays of freesia.
Zapping around on television last evening, I came across an old movie just as the heroine receives flowers from the man in hot pursuit. She is noticeably affected, opening the card with a dreamy smile. Her male co-workers look on with a mix of curiosity and interest.
The women? With envy.
It used to be common for men to send flowers – after a great date, for an occasion, or for no reason at all.
Does anything melt a woman’s heart like a bouquet of blooms, or even a single stem?
Sure. For some of us, there are shoes. And yes, I once knew a man who (very effectively) courted me with designer footwear. (No kidding.) But really – whatever happened to flowers?
Ah yes, there is the ridiculous assumption that a man sending flowers is having an affair. At least that was the premise a few generations back, and likewise, in 1964’s Rock Hudson and Doris Day film, Send Me No Flowers. Doris and Rock – do we have you to blame for the shocking lack of blossoms in contemporary dating life?
My past life. . . as a woman
Once upon a time, I had a life as a woman.
You know. Dates. Romance. Sex.
And there were tokens of affection – little notes and cards, love letters, and even flowers. Signs of wooing, and eventually, love.
In fact, the man I was seeing before I married was incredibly romantic. Money wasn’t an issue and that helped. For a year, extravagant floral arrangements arrived at my office every other week or so. Each time, something different. Each time, with a card he always took the time to personally pen.
I felt adored.
But it wasn’t just the flowers, or even the sentiments he wrote. He would surprise me at my apartment on a cold winter’s morning, take-out coffee in hand, and bagels in a bag. No warning – just a $5 breakfast for us to share, and a smile.
Opening the door to his grin and that coffee? The best.
My part of the equation
I wasn’t without my surprises either. It was a well-balanced relationship in the ways that count. We listened to each other. We focused when we were together. Yes, he sent me flowers, and I managed a few thoughtful gifts of my own.
He had a thing for trucks, go figure. When I traveled overseas on business, I always found my way to a hobby shop, picked out a fabulous small scale model he couldn’t find in the US, and brought it back.
Choosing a gift for him was about him. Something to tickle his fancy, which isn’t to say that my considerable lingerie collection wasn’t a source of mutual pleasure. . .
The dating scene, online (non) etiquette
I know we’ve all succumbed to the online dating scene, and technology short-cuts that now feel ordinary.
We Facebook (though in my experience Facebook sucks for your sex life). We text and sext. We (h)e-mail and (sh)e-mail. But we also seem to have bought into the New Order of Millennial Commodity Dating – size ’em up fast, toss ’em aside, buck up for the next (there will always be another), and don’t worry about protocol like a proper goodbye much less hello.
- Do people still stumble upon each other and meet?
- Do friends make introductions?
- Does the workplace offer any (reasonable) options?
- Has traditional dating disappeared, along with manners?
The Love Biz
Sure, I’m mingling several topics together: online dating, drawbacks of impersonal communications, balance in relationships, a general disregard for the romantic in all of us.
Still, I wonder if this mish-mash of monetized meet-and-greet is worsened by the odd legacy of post Doris-and-Rock, post 80s-Glitz feminism. Is it the dissatisfying glop of role confusion, lack of consideration, and a generally unromantic space in which we’re expected to pair up, mate, and some years later, move on. . . to. . . nothing?
Think about it. The Love Biz. It’s more than an online intro, a few drinks, hopping in and out of bed, then “next.”
Shouldn’t there be slow coffees over which you listen and interact, and dare I say it – look at each other rather than your iPods and Blackberrys? Aren’t there movies to see, books to discuss, softball games to enjoy, and the FTD florist just a flick of the PDA away?
The power of the flower
Any Real Men out there? Hello? Might there be a romantic bone in your body?
No, not that one. I said romantic.
Because if there is, I’m here to tell you there are wonderful women waiting for small gestures, as simple and powerful as the one in that film last night.
All it takes is a few stems from Whole Foods, or the guy selling roses at rush hour. It’s a classic move and a classy one.
Go on. Give it a shot. Rock would do it, and the Doris in most of us would love it. And appreciate you all the more for the gesture.
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We have become about the online world, the dating, the hook ups, the trying to find the time and finding that time only at odd hours in front of a computer screen. I am not sure I know anyone, over the age of 30, who has met their “mate” through a friend or by chance.
It leaves me wondering – what happens if we are not into the social media scene?
A few weeks ago, my stepmother-in-law sent me a lovely, simple bouquet. When my husband got home from work, he saw the flowers and said, “Damn! I should be the one who thought of getting you flowers.” Mind you, we’ve been together 13 years and I can count on one hand the number of times he’s brought me flowers. I might have to “accidentally” leave the laptop open to this page so that he might stumble upon it…
But lest you think that the romance is dead in our relationship, I should hasten to add that he is far more adept at the bagels and coffee in bed sort of gestures you mention (and the whole taking care of the baby and toddler while I’m on bedrest for two months sort).
As much as I appreciate those gestures, I dp wonder if contemporary men got a memo some years ago saying that women don’t want flowers. An inadvertent byproduct of the women’s movement?
Somewhere along the way, men started thinking and saying, “Fresh flowers are such a waste. All that money for something that just dies in a few days.” I’ve even heard some women say this now, and some even say they want no flowers at their funeral because it’s “wasteful.” Some of them want the $$ to go to charity instead — quite laudable. But others just say no flowers. Period. Doesn’t matter if they’re in love, the hospital, or the mortuary.
Where did this aesthetic fundamentalism come from? Has it always been there? Sometimes it seems to come from a generally utilitarian, rationalist outlook — one that says, “If it serves no practical purpose or use, it shouldn’t exist or be used.” (BTW, if one believes this and calls themselves a Christian, they’re toying with heresy. After all, old people in nursing homes serve no purpose. So let’s just kill them off and save money! [sarcasm]
Much of this spartan utilitarianism comes from a desire to save money. Beauty, whether in architecture, a fine garden, fashion, music…whatever…often costs more than utility. Witness any public school built since 1960 (I.E. architecturally bland box). Or most any building built with taxpayer dollars.
“Spartan utilitarianism.” Interesting way to put it. (I like it!)
It’s funny. The guy in my life shows up with flowers now and then for no reason whatsoever. I love it when he does. They may last three days or ten days; that’s not the point. It’s the thoughtfulness, and the fact that he knows how much pleasure they give me.
As for the sensual qualities in the colors, textures, and fragrance of flowers? Heavenly. A three dollar stem works wonders.
Aesthetics and beauty – yet a whole other discussion. HUGE. Important.
So glad you stopped by to read and comment, Julie.
Honestly, I hate getting flowers. Mainly I hate it because it’s wasteful and a professional bouquet is expensive. I’d rather my guy bring home a new herb to go in our kitchen garden or the night’s dinner so I don’t have to cook. In the spring he surprised me with a lilac bush for the yard. I’m a functional girl who loves functional gifts.
But your point here is romance. I agree 100 percent that the slap dash nature of modern dating and romance is depressing. More romance and less convenience would be refreshing.
Yes, Kelly. Exactly. More romance and less convenience. And romance doesn’t necessitate inconvenience. Only thought, and attentiveness – which apparently Kristen’s husband knows. (But leave the laptop open anyway, and enlarge the font!) 😉
And TE – I’ve tried the online world – one in which I’m comfortable. I think it may work to some degree at a certain age, or perhaps demographics of other sorts play into the mix as well (location, education levels, numbers of men and women). And for those of us for whom it doesn’t work or isn’t “us?” Are we the new millennial post-marital spinsters?
YES! The internet is a wonderful thing, but where is the romance, the personal caring, the little things that mean so much? We know so much about each other, but we rarely know the little things that give depth and richness to a relationship.
Nearly all of my online friends know I struggle with suicidal depressions, but how many know that I love candles and stuffed animals? The breadth of our knowledge of each other is amazing, but that knowledge is shallow, partial; because there is so much that is so ingrained in us that we never even think to mention it.
“. . . but that knowledge is shallow, partial.” Yes, you’re so right, Wendy. And we seem to rely on that (online) knowledge as if it is all encompassing.
Great post that asks important questions. I recently ended a 2.5 year relationship with someone I was sure I was going to marry. We met through match.com.
We matched well and in particular matched in the area of romance and “old timey” thoughtfulness. I received flowers at work, he received hand written cards in the mailbox outside of his house – not the email inbox. I even sent HIM and bought HIM flowers on more than one occasion and he was incredibly touched. I printed out all our courtship emails and bound them in a book for a Christmas present so there would be a paper trail of “us”. Even though it didn’t work out (which totally SUCKS) I will always be grateful that he reminded me of and understood the need for romance, personal gestures, limited electronic communication, and yes, flowers. Flowers will make me happy for days. They are the sign, for me, of a true gentle man.
It’s heartening to know that you could meet a gentle man through Match. it sounds like you both valued gestures and what they stand for. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Susan. But 2 and a half years? That’s something to feel good about. It’s hard to genuinely connect these days, and for far less time than that. Thank you for sharing this. (And a question? When enough time has passed, would you use an online dating service again?)
Modern fumbles toward romance (data points on my observation graph of about two years and counting) remind me a bit of the old notion that widows and divorcees need and want to keep “riding the bicycle.” So, the three approaches that went like this: one date and then on to exercises, was the immediate and expressed intent….NO ROMANCE AT ALL. Just an assumption that I want that ride.
I suppose I should be grateful for the bold winking offer to get right to bicycling, without even a two or three date threshold? Honesty! But again, an assumption.
Those of us who need (sometimes prefer) solitude and celibacy within which to work hard and parent are sometimes thought odd or prematurely spinsterish.
My circumstances protect me/prevent me from these boring and flat and deeply, deeply deficient dance steps.
Little things that show they took the time to think about you are the most wonderful gifts. Definitely surpass the grab and go gifts.
Little surprises.. are the best.
I agree… i wonder all the time why I cannot just ‘bump’ into a man of my dreams. But we are all over worked, we are all too busy or just too tired to get out.
I hardly know of anyone who holds dinner parties or house parties except the heavy drinkers…
But I will keep waiting
You know, NAS, I don’t even think in terms of a “man of my dreams.” Don’t think I ever have. More someone – contours and details as yet unknown – with whom I will be in sync in the ways that feel most important. In terms of values, humor, curiosity. I’ve run into a few men in my life – each so different – with whom I’ve had that for awhile. But you’re right – in our exhausting days of just getting through (and no one I know giving dinner parties or even getting together for a drink) – how is anyone to meet anyone? And where does the energy come from?
Perhaps that’s why we’re all online as much as we are. Human bandwidth, significantly compromised by the demands of our daily lives. Still, wouldn’t it be nice if a tiny bit of romance happened along? Not only to be on the receiving end, but the giving end as well. . . For some of us, giving is a necessity. We genuinely love “doing” for a partner. Small gestures that show our love. We just want it appreciated and reciprocated.
I absolutely agree! Romance would be wonderful. People (including high schoolers) don’t seem to date anymore. I would love to go on a date without someone trying to figure out where we go from here. How long would we work. We are a critical world and no one has the time to meet for drinks or dinner.
I don’t think I have ever been on a date where I felt as though we were just there to enjoy each others company. Rather, meet a potential life mate. setting the bar pretty high.
A year after my divorce 13 years ago, I met a man online a personals site and at the time, neither of us knew how to download a picture and met sight unseen. We managed to stay together for 5+ years and we and our children remain distant friends. Online can work…. but my experiences since have been much more judgmental on both sides.
I would really go for a little romance.
And I am not talking about a friend with benefits. I can and have had that.
Haven’t been there for several years now, but I have a distinct impression that these days it’s more about “hooking up” and less about relationships. The women’s movement the culprit? I don’t think so. I think it’s the current trend for “instant gratification” and moving on if you choose to.
We do seem to be in Instant Gratification Mode in this country, don’t we Carol. I’m trying to figure out how long that’s been, and I can’t put my finger on it. Can you?
I also think the amount of time and work I am engaging in to keep from drowning, that my practical fantasy is that I cannot spend time dating looking for a boyfriend. Heavens to Mergatroid, I need to marry up and forthwith. A medium income would help me so that: I could sit with coffee some morning and watch squirrels for twenty minutes. I could laze over a glass of wine and watch for that perfect twilight blue that last twenty minutes.
Listen to me! Willing to marry for the ease that would give me some twenty minutes of repose.
Back to the hard work, and the sweet doggie at my feet, and yes, later, the five minute bandwidth moments of not-working.
Oh NoName. I hear you. I feel you. May you find some of those minutes for yourself.
BLW – Not sure if I will try the online thing again after this break up. I actually don’t think I will. It’s a romantic notion to be sure, but I would like to give a fabulous man a chance to physically walk into my life. But maybe my mind will change once the freshness of this split has eased up a bit. In the end, it is heartening to know that there are indeed Gentle Men trying to date online as well. He was my first and only date from Match.com. I was his 20th!
Thanks for your nice comments.
Ah, romance…I remember that, but then life gets in the way. I remember the days of love notes, flowers, holding my hand, and listening to me as if everything that came from my mouth was magic. We’ve been married for almost nine years and I know that things change. I’m mature about it. WAHHHHHH!! But I have to say I appreciate those romantic moments even more. David will bring home my favorite bottle of red wine, he’ll call from the road and ask if I want a Diet Coke, and just now he gave me a shot of Emergen-C because I’m getting sick. So who said romance is dead? In my case, you just have to look harder.
Preach it, sister! I am a sucker for romance, but the guys I’ve dated don’t quite get that. So I’m single, go figure. 🙂
I like flowers, but I seldom receive one. I learned that after dropping hints about wanting flowers, the more I set myself up for disappointment. And it’s not even about the flowers, I just want to feel reassured, thought about, and loved. It could be something like making dinner or buying a nice, red wine for both of us to enjoy. Then I thought, the guy should romance me because he wants to…not because I hinted him to.
I have married friends and sometimes, they have the same frustrations as I do about romance. That is why I send them flowers out of the ordinary to make them feel good. And maybe…just maybe, if the guy sees how happy my friend looks when she receives the flowers, then he’ll buy her more flowers. Or, at least, I hope so.
@Glacel, @Michelle –
Life does indeed get in the way. And who wants to nudge someone into giving flowers (or anything else)? It’s like having to ask for a birthday gift. The point is the gesture. It really could be anything. But perhaps the men think it’s all about “stuff” for us, rather than thoughtfulness? Just wondering aloud. Um, aloud on the page…
I miss flowers, I miss romance, and being courted. Hasn’t happened for me since I was in my early 20’s, before the internet and world wide web, chat rooms, email, and internet dating. I think internet dating has really hurt romance, I think men figure if you are online looking for it, they don’t have to try as hard to win your affections. Plus so many women are begging for it, men don’t have to try anymore, somewhere we became the ones doing the wooing and them the choosing. Not a good turn of the tables. I have decided to refuse to do it, it’s not natural, it might be okay for some, but it’s not for me. I’m old fashioned, and I will not chase a man, I want flowers, candies, love notes, small gestures, I want it all. Nothing wrong with that. 🙂
Match.com is currently running a television ad saying 1 out of 5 couples are hooking up via online dating. I’m taking heart that this statistic, if it’s true, means that 4 out of 5 are still meeting the old-fashioned way. I’m moving to a new place and that always means a new flood of online contacts. I’ve been unsuccessful meeting someone that way and I’m sure it’s because I’m so ambivalent about it. Here’s to flowers, candy, little notes and chance meetings.
I like your interpretation, SF – that 4 out of 5 must still be meeting “the old fashioned way.”
The only time I get flowers is when my husband f*&%s up. sigh.
🙁 Want me to give him a heads up? A send me some flowers, dammit! (please?) 🙂
My hubby will randomly come home with flowers from the grocery store. It’s a double win for me – not only did I get him to do the grocery shopping, he even brought me home flowers.
My husband has done extraordinary things to be romantic – while wine tasting up in Napa, he had long-stemmed roses delivered to me at our lunch. We were with another couple and the other guy said, “Man, every guy totally hates you right now.” 🙂 It made me feel so special. I think that’s the heart of romance.
@Cathy – he sounds like a keeper! (Does he give lessons? I bet the women would pay for them. . .)
I love flowers and has always been fascinated by them. When I was still in my teen years, I loved getting beautiful flowers from my male friends. And now that I’m married, I’m even more delighted to receive flowers from my loving husband.:-)
I’ve always told my husband he doesn’t need to buy me flowers on Valentine’s Day because the prices are so marked up — but I think he may have decided to generalize the suggestion to apply all year round! “Just because” flowers would be lovely …
The little gestures that surprise us mean so much, don’t they?
I think the last guy who got me flowers fairly regularly was my college bf whom I split up with when I was 20. He sometimes bought them and sometimes he’d pick wild ones in the woods when we went for a walk. I think the latter was more romantic.
I haven’t had any flowers for a while, except from someone who had a crush on me last year.
Personally, I don’t think it’s linked to post divorce status, just times have changed. My ex husband certainly didn’t buy me flowers either.
My bf does sexy and romantic things which wouldn’t have been top of my list at age 20 but are fantastic now.
Hi Lily. And welcome. Wildflowers sound very romantic! As you say, perhaps it’s a matter of whatever we find romantic now…
It was very romantic…until the farmer found out…;-)
I found you via dalrock’s, stop by my blog some time.
Will do!
Having mulled this over more:
1. Online dating, though a good way of expanding one’s reach has less consequences for men/women than someone they met through their social network. So the risks are higher.
2. If you are going to do online dating, try and maximise your chances of it having a positive outcome. I found this website and found general articles on it useful so I’m sure the online dating ones must be too
http://www.evanmarckatz.com
3. Online dating shouldn’t be a replacement to expanding your social network.
4. In both cases, you need to make some effort at it. Not just in terms of making the best of yourself, but *time*.
5. If you are not looking for casual sex, do not have sex with someone who is not emotionally invested in you. This will mean there will be guys who don’t want to pursue after a 1st or 2nd date or whatever because there are some men out there who insist on having sex with women before they ‘sort’ them into piles of girlfriend, fuckbuddy or friend.
Thank you for your perspective Lily. The issue of online dating is always fascinating. Some of us have spent years at it. 🙂 I seriously believe there is an age at which it is simply no longer effective for women. Less so – as with other things – for men.
Your #5 is especially interesting. The notions of sorting out women according to sexual behavior, in particular.
“The issue of online dating is always fascinating. Some of us have spent years at it. I seriously believe there is an age at which it is simply no longer effective for women. Less so – as with other things – for men.”
I’m a 48 year old guy and I do the online dating thing.
Online dating can be effective if women understand the “big flip”. This is the age when the pool of available men starts to shrink and the pool of available women starts to grow. Think late 40s and beyond.
After the big flip, men do the selecting. It’s just simple dating/relationship economics. The hunted becomes the huntee.
A woman who is still keen on dating and finding a committed relationship can still do the online dating thing but the marketing must change. No longer can a woman simply post a photo and a list of requirements for the man her her life. She must (not an option) give specific reasons why she would make a good ladyfriend or committed partner.
Here is a format for online profile that will work for a woman:
Top 10 Reasons Why I Would Be Your Best Girlfriend Ever!
10. You will see me wearing sexy lingerie more than “comfortable” undies.
9. You won’t hear me nag and complain because I don’t sweat the small stuff.
8. You will be proud to have me on your arm when we go out in public and your friends will probably be envious.
7. You will never, ever compete with me.
6. You will be nicely surprised when I kiss you passionately at unexpected times and in unexpected places.
5. You will never see me roll my eyes at you when you say something because I will respect you.
4. You see my smile far more often than my frown.
3. You will find yourself thinking seriously about my observations on life and current events.
2. You won’t be holding my purse at the shoe store. You won’t even BE at the shoe store with me.
1. You won’t hear these awful words: “I’m not in the mood”.
Notice how the words are focused on the potential guy, not on her requirements or needs. This requires some introspection and a real respect for men in general. If you don’t respect men and masculinity, you are not in a position to date or find a relationship. Men are not stupid, we can tell when a woman has little respect for men. Such an attitude results in a hump and dump.
Oh, another bit of advice for women – be pleasant and agreeable. You would be surprised at how a cheery smile and a nice word can melt a man’s heart.
Thanks so much for joining in Zammo. I hope you’ll come by often and enjoy.
You make excellent points about the marketing aspect, and the realities (whether we like them or not) that it’s a buyer’s market (male) at a certain age turning point. That is, incidentally, less the case in certain European countries, in my experience. I will say, however, that if you put your age, you will automatically be discounted beyond 40 or 45 (unless being “pre-qualified” by a man 20 years your senior). If you fudge your age, you are accused of being dishonest. So at 40+ or 45+ as you say, it becomes a delicate issue for women.
I rather liked things in the “natural” world. You meet, you respond to each other’s energy, and you take it from there… 🙂
“I will say, however, that if you put your age, you will automatically be discounted beyond 40 or 45 (unless being “pre-qualified” by a man 20 years your senior). If you fudge your age, you are accused of being dishonest. So at 40+ or 45+ as you say, it becomes a delicate issue for women.”
I certainly agree. I have dated many women in their 40s and they all, at some point, have been involved with men 15 or more years older. Men in their 40s and 50s tend to be looking for women about 10 years younger. Why? Because that is their preference and they often do find younger women to date. Consider that a man is usually in his peak earning years by that time.
But all is not lost. A woman can really do a lot to make herself more attractive to guys in their 40s. While I risk being excoriated for my lack of political correctness, I will soldier on with a brief list for single women in their 40s who hope to find romance and love.
1. Look good. This is not an option. Extra weight? Lose it. Short hair? Grow it out. Makeup? Use it. Comfortable clothes? Save them for when men aren’t around or you’re honestly exercising. If you can catch his eye, you can catch his heart.
2. Act well. Cursing is not feminine. Being bossy and domineering is repellant. Moodiness and lack of emotional control is the realm of children, not adult women. That inner bitch you seek to embrace? She’s a man-hating lesbian so avoid her.
3. Be happy and pleasant. Unhappiness and bitterness are complete and utter turnoffs. A man won’t make you happy, by the way. Only you have control of your own happiness.
4. Respect men and masculinity. If you think all men are dogs, then get some cats and embrace your spinsterhood.
5. Stop competing with everyone. A man wants a loving partner, not an over-acheiving competitor.
6. Be sexual. Men like sex. Embrace it.
7. Don’t see a man as a project. Pets are “fixed”, do you really want to do that to the man in your life?
8. Lose the drama. If you need unnecessary drama (and most of it is completely unnecessary) in your life, get help.
9. Smile. A lot. Life is actually pretty good and a warm smile can melt a man’s heart.
10. Don’t be so critical. Seriously, do you want to be criticized all the time? Men don’t like it either.
11. Don’t be so in love with yourself. Who ever came up with that nonsense was a complete narcissist. We all have character flaws and “being in love with yourself” is often used as a way to ignore those character flaws.
12. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. You’re over 40 now and it’s time for some real introspection. And yes, those jeans make your butt look big.
It’s just a start and thanks for the gracious welcome.
Just curious… may I ask your age… ish? In marketing parlance, would that be 30 to 35, 35 to 44, or 44+ and we’ll just leave it at that? (“A man-hating Lesbian?” Um… I would take exception to that remark, on assorted levels. The gay women I know don’t hate men. The straight women I know don’t hate men… )
And that’s all I’ll say for the moment. 🙂
(Except women like sex, too.)
I’m 48.
As for the hyperbole in my remarks, it’s often a good rhetorical device to make a point.
“Does the workplace offer any (reasonable) options?”
To answer that one, no.
Consider, I’ve been at a couple of companies (and had friends at companies with similar polices) where asking a co-worker out counted as sexual harassment if she didn’t want you to ask her out. In fact, one friend worked at a company where one employee was grossly inappropriately sexual in her dress (camel toe more days than not for example). She complained the geeks in IT were staring at her and it made her uncomfortable. When they pointed out her dress was clearly designed to invite this they were told even if it was she didn’t want that attention from them (she was after some cute guy in accounting) and that they were harassing her.
Now, tell me why a man would risk viewing a co-worker at all romantically in that environment.
Herb, welcome. Let me just say that as a woman, I find this situation sad. Harassment policies, in my opinion, are an example of the pendulum swinging too far. Harassment was supposed to be about abuse of power and inappropriate professional behaviors. It has become something else.
@zammo re your list.
I finished reading Gottleib’s “Marry Him” last week and noticed something very interesting.
The book starts off with the Husband store joke. Her version includes the wife store bit and the floors that get visited are “likes sex”, “likes sex and is nice”, “likes sex, is nice, and likes sports”.
Gottleib’s book is about settling. She tries to frame it as realistic exceptions but she’s honest enough about what she went through to get to realistic to see that most women will have an attitude of “I’m settling” which isn’t good. At least she’s trying to get through to all the princesses that waiting for the 10,985 point checklist fulfilling guy isn’t going to work.
What I really noticed, however, despite all this advice on “pick what’s important to you” she never talks about learning to like sex (meaning, be willing to give sexually to him), about being nice, or about learning about sports. She never talks about “look at what you’re offering and see if you’re providing anything he desires, much less his whole list.” It’s still all about her needs and desires and men are living Ken dolls to be selected to match them. They are people with needs and desires of their own.
Especially older women chasing men need to take that to heart. The women who learned it young get husbands. They often get the same husbands 35+ women are chasing because, well, most of those 35+ women don’t seem to get it and if I can have young, pretty, nice, liking sex, and can cook why would I even consider old, stylish but aging, a little fridge, and self-centered?
Hmm, I could spend money on buying flowers and other gifts for women, or I could have sex with them for free. Decisions, decisions.
I don’t think it’s quite that simple, Flurpy. I suspect that if you cared deeply for a woman, surprising her with a single stem plucked from a (kindly) neighbor’s garden would please her. And you could still have sex with her. Sex is easy; love involves a good deal more. And it should be a two-way street – none of which requires bucks.