“Who are you, really?” he wrote, in an email.
That’s not a question I answer easily. I know my public face, and my private selves. I keep them fairly separate for a number of reasons. And I like it that way.
Who are you may seem like a simple question, but it isn’t something I respond to carelessly, or without considering the context.
I’ve been called extroverted, open, and gregarious. (I believe I am.) And, I’ve been called secretive, mysterious, complex. (I am amused by those descriptions.) Some people understand that life has taught me caution. To share what I choose when I choose, and as I deem it appropriate.
I recognize the need for a public face that maintains appearances as a parent, as one who seeks work, in social settings, and as a participant in specific communities.
And I certainly know not to tell all on the Internet.
Maintaining one’s privacy
As for the man who emailed me “who are you, really?”
That was a one-off exchange, a lingering contact from another time. I was surprised by it, and equally surprised at how little I had to say, or more precisely, how little I was willing to say to a stranger. And so I responded:
I am a mother. I am a writer. I am a face in the crowd you would never notice, though you might nod politely when passing, and then go on with your busy day. I am struggling to finish the job of parenting. Who are you?
I wasn’t being capricious, or contentious. Only matter-of-fact. My mask, in place. But his question got me thinking, especially after a night of dreaming myself strolling the tiny towns of the Riviera, and then in Paris. France is a place where my public and private selves coexist more comfortably.
Don’t we all wear masks? In the workplace, as well as among friends and family? At times, aren’t we compelled to hide essential truths of our lives for fear of discrimination or judgment?
France?
Yesterday I was writing and speaking in French. No doubt that sparked my dreams. And sure, I have my fabulous French fantasy, knowing that real life is very different – anywhere. As for masks, mystery, guile, authenticity, pleasure, ease, freedom – there is no perfect fit for most of us, but there may be places of better fit.
“I don’t know where I belong,” I said to a friend recently.
“I see you in Paris,” he remarked.
Belonging
I think about that, and the year that remains until my younger son is launched. I think about the professional opportunities that no longer exist where I live. The type of men I am attracted to. My viability as a woman of a certain age in this youth-obsessed culture. I balance that with the fact that the weather is good for my health, and more importantly – this is “home” to my children. A place of belonging.
Yet what I crave does not exist here for me. So I maintain the public face to the extent that I must, until I can explore options that may fulfill my private selves.
- Do you live a public face and a private one?
- Do you do so to protect yourself, your children, your living?
- Do you do so out of deference to cultural, regional, or familial expectations?
It is interesting to read what people share online and what they leave out. A young man was recently excluded from a job (though he was quite qualified) because he had party pictures on his facebook page blurring that public and private line.
I recently took up passport again for the first time in a decade and returned to Europe – I returned to an area of the world in which I am potentially more myself. I didn’t realize that an aspect of me was missing until I rediscovered it there. But I stay in the US for now – giving my daughter her family for the time being though I want her to experience life abroad at some point.
Public and private – Sometimes I think I provide a window in my posts that I don’t allow the rest of the world and yet, I know where the public and private line is drawn. It is potentially possible to recognize my blog and real life persona when you know it is me as, I am who I am… but there is a part of me that belongs just to me.
I enjoy your thoughts and your posts. Have a wonderful weekend.
I’m glad you took up your passport again to touch down in Europe. It sounds like you enjoyed it and reconnected with something. And yes – I know what you mean about the sorts of disclosures we put in blogs that we may not discuss with those who “know us” in real life. But then, writing is an intimate and reflective process, and part of the beauty of this medium is being able to share in this way. (Hope you’re having a good weekend, too.)
Interesting question, BLW. Most of the time I know who I am, but am not willing to tell all to everyone. I don’t think you can. There are relationships that are on the periphery and I don’t feel comfortable sharing all of me to people who aren’t really interested in a dialogue. I think sharing who you really are takes years with a few people, the people you identify as essential to your own core.
By the way, I love your reply in the e-mail.
Do you think your cultural background has affected your views on this (very American) “tell all” tendency, Rudri? Certainly, the European women I’ve known have no such need or desire, and the men, no such expectation.
Hi BLW, well I’m pretty much the same person everywhere. I don’t blog anonymously, obviously, and learned a long time ago to be blunt about who and what I am. Let other people hide their prejudices from me, rather than me hide what I am from them.
But that doesn’t mean I’m incautious. I worked in insurance for 18 years in which potentially every single word I spoke or wrote could end up having great repercussions. I’m not stupid, but I’m not private. Does that make sense?
Linda, in some ways I envy you. I think need for privacy is both a matter of our nature, and also circumstances. When you grow up with a parent who doesn’t respect boundaries whatsoever, you learn to keep as much to yourself as possible. And stupid versus private? (I’m chuckling.) Yes, makes perfect sense.
I am not sure I have ever known who I was/am. I look back at the periods in my life when I was most sure of my identity and realize that was not really me. I do have an idea somewhere in my mind of who I am and I know when I am not who I am. I just sometimes cannot stop that not persona from coming out.
As for different personas in real life and online, not so much. What I put online is pretty much the way I am. Do I put it all out there? I have in the past but am learning to hold back.
Do you find you’re always discovering “who you are,” Nicki? And does the writing / blogging help that process?
Some privacy is absolutely necessary. As much as people complain about the lack of it in the age of technology, it’s important to remember that there are some things within our control to share, and therefore, our responsibility to keep private.
Wow. So interesting that he felt comfortable being so direct. Who are you really? My goodness, I think I’d be speechless by the question itself.
I wonder if some of us are more “sure” of who we are, while others are more comfortable with the ambiguity of being multiple selves. Some of us prefer to stick to the route of “I know who am I” and others are willing to go down the road of “I’m not sure who I am.”
But, ultimately I believe life is about figuring out who we are. It is a task we never complete, because we are never done learning, evolving, refining our selves. It is a journey, just like life. The core values may stay the same, but our experiences continue to deepen and enrich our identity. We become more nuanced with time.
Intriguing response, Eva. Yes, he must be comfortable with himself to ask such a direct question. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
As for the ambiguity of multiple selves, I think it’s a matter of being pragmatic for some of us. Or necessity, rather than ambiguity. It’s recognition that some things are not acceptable for specific reasons. A need to compartmentalize – due to profession, due to an “ex” factor, due to the need to protect children. I think there’s more of this that takes place than we realize. Perhaps I’m simply pointing it out.
I wouldn’t say I am a very private person. Given the right conditions, the right motivation, I’m inclined to tell all. I’m not sure why that is? I have a desire to fit in, but sometimes the telling is what sets me apart, if you know what I mean?
Some people have a gift for “telling” in ways that are intimate and funny, and pull people to them. Do you have that kind of interpersonal style? (It’s very engaging.)
Today’s post by Gretchen Rubin – The Happiness Project – is about having two personalities. Actually taken from writings by Carl Jung. Really fascinating, and something I can relate to. Multiple sides of myself.
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2010/07/do-you-ever-feel-that-you-have-two-personalities-existing-side-by-side.html
Thank you for this! Should be interesting.
My husband says I have no poker face. And he is right. In times of shock, surprise, etc. my face reveals all. But, like you, I feel like I hide much of who I am or what I’m thinking from the rest of the world. And there are times, like when a neighbor says to me that I’m “always so dependable and eager to help out,” that I wonder who in the world people see when they look at me. I don’t often recognize myself through other’s eyes because I’m too busy focusing on what I didn’t do/say or could have done differently.
This makes a lot of sense, Jane. I wonder how many people see themselves clearly, or can see themselves as others do. As for the poker face? It’s a real asset – especially professionally. Like you, I think that one’s really tough.
Funny, my blog post yesterday was on being a chameleon and the many different roles we play in order to be successful personally and professionally.
http://onewomanseye.blogspot.com/2010/07/on-being-chameleon.html
As I said in my post, the trick is do it from a place of authenticity.