Shower shockers
Who doesn’t do some of their best thinking in the shower? And who doesn’t recall the terrifying shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960 thriller, Psycho?
Janet Leigh is unwinding after a harried day of larceny, an eerie encounter with a creepy character, and is lulled as she finally cleans up, letting her guard down. A few minutes later, she is brutally slashed by crazed Tony Perkins, dying a bloody death in a scene that remains one of film history’s most stunning.
Who among us hasn’t forsaken a shower when that Hitchcock classic makes its rounds on cable television?
Water Wisdom
Fortunately, I generally don’t skip my shower out of fear of schizo stalkers as I’m slathering up. And good thing, too. Because we who are shower thinkers come up with dandy ideas while under the influence of hot water streaming hard onto the forehead, the scalp, the back of the neck. . .
Much as I love my morning shower for the good flow of good words (on good days), this morning it was all about the whys. I know this is a reaction to my weekend out of town with its flashbacks and sensations of another life before marriage, before children, before divorce, before money and health issues. And in contrast? My 17-year old in all his vigor was at my side as we chatted with other parents and students attending this summer program orientation.
My shocker? Literally all the parents we met were married. I wonder if my son noticed. As for me, my “singleness” weighed heavily, and the stigma I felt surprised me.
Solitude vs loneliness
Solitude can be a good thing. Especially when you parent full time and need a break! But too much time alone turns to loneliness. And leads straight into the chain of questions that are more happily avoided, like why wasn’t I loved, why wasn’t I good enough, am I destined to be alone.
These are naked questions, admissions of vulnerability. How rare it is for us to speak them, or even to write them. It feels audacious to do so.
And no, I am not feeling melancholy, only puzzled. And yes, disoriented, as I face the staggering divide of my many lives: before and after youth, before and after marriage, before and after divorce, before and after unemployment, before and after good health.
Why ask “why”
Why do I insist on asking why?
I need the big picture, the outline of what I am trying to accomplish. Knowing why helps me to see where I’m going, to avoid repeating mistakes, to generate new approaches and possible solutions. From asking why, creativity flourishes.
Perhaps it is the (uncharacteristic) silence of this house that is encouraging these questions, but I cannot be alone in this.
- Do you harbor questions that always bubble back up?
- Do you carry a set of “before and after” lives?
- Do you perform better, live better, when you know “why?”
- Do you fight loneliness, and mask it with a smile?
I struggle with legitimate worries, yet I don’t believe in making excuses. I try to confront what I must, recognizing the gifts in my life, most notably my sons. But the whys have arrived, and I doubt they will be retreating. I sense they are important to my next reinvention.
Oh, I might be tempted to scream in the shower from time to time, and a friend in the shower might distract me. But both would be a temporary fix. Perhaps it’s enough to feel the water beating down on my face, and to let the questions and the emotions wash over me, hoping, one day, to find answers.
I also find the shower to be a place where the thoughts often flow as fast as the water (especially since we installed the low-flow showerheads…). 🙂
I really appreciate what you have to say here about solitude vs. loneliness. Since becoming a mother, I have found myself longing for solitude more than ever before. I have realized that I am a person who needs time alone to think, to reflect, to reboot. But, so often, when I do actually get some time alone, I find that I want people back almost immediately. (Reminds me, of course, of the episode of SATC when Aidan moves in with Carrie and, moments after telling him that she needs alone time, she opens the curtain in her L-shaped studio and crawls into his lap. Usually I’m Charlotte, but, in that episode, I was Carrie.)
Why is an extremely important question to ask in any situation. Even if we don’t find the answer immediately, we learn a lot in the search for the answer. You are right why does invite creativity. I get the clearest thought when I shower or walk…something about water and wind does it for me. Nice post.
When it comes to personal matters, I’m not a big fan of asking why for a number of reasons. But I think asking why is far better than assuming the answers particularly when the answers are fluid and subjective.
Stupid married people. They always screw up the curve.
I’m in a mood. Don’t mind me.
OMG, April! Feel free. The stupid married people at this particular event were absolutely as nice as could be, and weren’t stupid at all.
Yet I was astonished to be surrounded by so many marrieds – in their 40s and 50s. Keep in mind, these were people married 18 years, 20 years, and more, still together, having survived a good two decades together while raising children. I was also surprised to see both mothers and fathers present. It was impressive, and in an ideal world, what one would hope to see. It just hasn’t been my world. And it was startling.
Anyone who thinks it doesn’t suck to be divorced is kidding themselves. It’s good to be out of an impossible marriage. But it bites when you’re the one who has to deal with everything from killing the creepy bugs to dealing with the ceiling falling in, the dead car battery, the zapped computers, the late night ER runs, and every damn school form in the book. Not to mention walking up and down the street at 10 pm looking for someone – anyone – to help with the latest household disaster. Oh yeah, then there’s the fucking squirrels in the attic.
Now who’s in a mood?? 🙂
I believe one can be alone and never feel lonely…and/or be in a roomful of people and feel completely lonely. I love being around vibrant people, but as the clock will tell right now (11:22pm) I also love solitude. As with everything, there must be a balance. I cannot empathize with your circumstance, but I can sympathize as I know others who struggle with the same issues. From what I can tell, you are a remarkably strong woman in whatever area you choose. Sure, everyone feels overwhelmed with life from time to time. The secret is how quickly one rebounds after life smacks you down. And “life smack downs” are equal-opportunity events.
BTW: TAG! YOU’RE IT! (See my post for explanation.) 😀
Lisa – you’re so sweet – but give me a few days! (I’m slow on my tippie toes this week. Tag, indeed!)
Strange synchronicity to find “Psycho” as your jumping off point today, as my mother was talking to me on the phone today about how much that movie scared her, back in the year of my birth. Lord knows the effects on me, but I find the film completely fascinating in terms of feminism vs. hatred of women. After all, it’s not just the random “Master Bates” who kills Janet Leigh’s character, he kills her BECAUSE he is aroused by her and because his internalized mommy doesn’t want him to individuate and be a man. Thus it is always the small and emasculated man who hates women.
From starting in Phoenix in her black underwear, Janet is a classic “fallen woman” who is sexy and must be punished for being alone—independence as a threat to men. The deep perversity of the film echoes the deep misogyny of our culture—which blames everything on the mother.
I think you raise excellent questions and some of the liberating answer comes from a true feminist perspective (which is not anti-male, you obviously love men, provided they are not psycho) that dares to hold the power to love above the power of being loved.
Women are somewhat trapped in the desire to be desired (not that this isn’t lovely for men and women alike). In a way the before and after question of the collective is before and after the so-called enlightenment. With the extreme objectification of things and the industrial age we usher in Jack the Ripper, to which Master Bates is a chip off the old chopping block.
I suspect that when one finds a way to combine your smarts and sensuality with Kristen’s gloss on Kelly Corrigan’s dad and his relentless optimism, you unlock a feminine power that will not NOT be loved—for it loves so assuredly and playfully.
Sometimes I think that the best way to find a needle in a haystack is to become a magnate that loves the world, even when it does not love us. In the meantime, it would probably be a good idea for all of us to wash that psycho mad man right out of our hair.
Since becoming a stay-at-home mom, I’ve had to look loneliness flush in the face for many days. It’s hard.
And once you feel isolated, it’s harder to put yourself out there, if that makes any sense? ((you))
Yes, it makes perfect sense. It’s also to “put yourself out there” when you’re exhausted. And that happens to mothers and fathers responsible for the day-in-day-out parenting duties, regardless of marital status. The difference is they don’t need to “put themselves out there,” theoretically.
I stopped asking why. The answer is and always has been because a lot of people just suck.
I suspect you’re right, Mindy. Fortunately, a lot don’t. It’s a shame when some of the most significant people in our lives – parents, siblings, spouses – are not among them.
A friend in the shower from time to time might be a welcome distraction…but that’s a whole other topic, no? I hear you about looking around at all the parents. I like to make myself feel better by imagining how lonely in their marriages many of them are; I’m so nice that way.
I am starting to panic a little at the thought of all the ALONE time that is soon to be mine when the youngest goes to college in 2 years. It is hard to be the only one things fall on, and you have the health issue on top of that.
Alone vs lonely, sometimes I feel like I’ve been dealing with that my whole life.
Yikes, am I happy that I never saw that movie! Phantom of the Opera was scary enough for me.
Over the years I have had a number of jobs where travel was a relatively big part of my job. Some friends used to tell me that they thought it was great.
I’d fly off to Manhattan and live on an expense account. I had some outstanding meals- but some of them were nothing but fine food mixed with loneliness.
What good is being able to order the best steak and finest wine if you can’t share it with someone. Or to sit at a sushi bar and eat whatever without regard for cost- occasionally it was fun.
But far too often it was simply lonely. I do well with solitude. I am accustomed to keeping myself company, but we’re social creatures. Humans do better with companionship.
You and your rodents in the house. First it was that mouse (presumed dead) and now squirrels 🙂 In my book, living with mice and squirrels is far better than living with deadbeat slugs. Wouldn’t you agree? And besides, there is no one to rush you out of that hot steamy, thought-provoking shower – it is all good Wolfy.
Squirrels will chew through things in the attic (some of which I care about) – but worse – they chew through electrical wires, which is dangerous. I need a handy man… any suggestions? 😉
I sport a tool belt with the best of ’em. I might even have some tools in it 😉