Do you believe you can change? Do you want to change – if not in a major way, then subtly – for instant gratification or something more enduring?
Let’s see. There’s my messy kitchen. My disastrous closets. Oh yes, I can think of a few things I’d like to change. May I borrow from the classics of American Pop Culture to illustrate?
For instance, I could wiggle my nose à la Samantha in Bewitched, and my little home would magically manifest in clutter-free and organized fashion. No dishes in the sink! No laundry piles! No stacks of books and papers to trip over! Or, better still, I could blink emphatically (I Dream of Jeannie) and POOF! Two inches taller. (I dare not wish for more, lest I have to alter my personality – drastically.) And speaking of personality. . .
May we consider a recent lesson in (pop) culture psychology and attitudes? Do you mind?
Pop culture lessons
I hate to quote from Realty TV so soon after, well… talking about Reality TV, but, if the Louboutin fits. And this tidbit struck me like a brick on the back of the head. It’s just too good. Or too horrible, depending on your viewpoint.
The scene: Thursday night, Bravo TV, the aftermath of attempting to put the pieces of a friendship back together.
Jill Zaren to Bethenny Frankel:
“We can get past this.”
Bethenny to Jill:
“Well you have a lot of changing to do.”
Jill to Bethenny:
“I can’t change. I am who I am.”
Me: Mouth agape, credits rolling on the season finale. Shock. Okay, make that shock and awe. Does this woman ever listen to herself? Does anyone who says “I can’t change” actually hear what he or she is saying?
Real life, real women, real men
Some people genuinely believe they are incapable of change. I am not one of them. I believe we are constantly in a state of flux – and capable of great change, as well as evolution.
When I hear anyone profess (proudly?) that they cannot change, I am dumbfounded. Knowing who you are and what you are is one thing. But refusing the possibility of change?
I may need to de-clutter my kitchen, but what about those who need a cleanup consultant for their misconceptions? I concede that we all possess an inherent nature, but can’t we learn to recognize hurtful or self-sabotaging behaviors? Don’t we wield some power of choice over who we are?
Clean up our words?
Sure. We all drag through days when we don’t think before we speak. When stress, sleep deprivation – and yes – empty pizza boxes on the counter – all combine to conspire against our better judgment. We shoot our mouths off in carelessness. We say stupid things. And then realize it.
In the example of “I can’t change,” could this be emotional resistance with a side of hubris? A defense mechanism masking “I won’t change,” or “I’m afraid to change?”
Personality pretzels?
I’m not suggesting that we turn ourselves into pretzels to become what others expect. I do believe that incessant interpersonal problems indicate time for introspection, a good therapist, or hitting REPLAY and paying attention to what comes out of your mouth. Then, with or without Samantha, Jeannie, or video editing, I’d cook up a personality pinch here and an attitude alteration there.
- Do you listen to what you say?
- Do you try to perceive yourself as others might?
- Do you believe that people can change?
…
It seems to me that change is a choice we make — and sometimes an uncomfortable one. Important, but often disorienting.
That being said, one can be too introspective and into moving things around when they don’t need to be.
Every year my only New Year’s Resolution is to be a better person and I spend all year working on that. I want to be spontaneously nicer. I want to stop worrying about things that haven’t happened. I want to live more consciously. I want to stop thinking OMG! when I see some extra-large person in an extra-small outfit. I’m working on all that and I think I’m getting there. How terrible to think we’re stuck with our faults and have no avenue for improvement.
Introspection is a good thing as long as we use it to change, as opposed to beating ourselves up over stupid past actions.
At times, I feel it was better when I wasn’t doing anything except run around and be dumb. No school, no scheddule, no nothing. You know, I would jokingly put smoked meth and lyth for x years on my resume.
I’ve thrown most things away, but there are a few components that will continue to be consistent such as me not being religious
I think people can change depending on what they want to change. If it is a habit, like eating less food, exercising more or getting more sleep, yes, I believe change is possible.
As far as deeper changes, the philosophical ones, the changes that make someone a better person, I think those arise from crisis or tragedy. To want to change, something has to penetrate your world to make you question how you were living before.
I agree, Rudri. Life’s events change us, or cause us to reevaluate and make changes, or adjust to changes.
In my current relationship, I’m a different person now than what I was prior to a breakup in the middle of our relationship. With six months apart, no contact with one another and the time to play the field/look around, I realized that HE was the only one for me but in order to make it work, I had to change some things about me. I didn’t even like the person I was prior to the breakup, and that time apart was the wakeup call I needed to work on my less than stellar um… personality quirks. And that I did and now we’re happier than ever. So yes, I believe we can change.
I do listen to what I say. I like to hear how it turned out, and the journalist in me is always looking for ways to declutter my speech.
I spend perhaps too much time imagining how others perceive me – but I’ve found that being sensitive to different perceptions, perspectives and communication styles to be helpful most often.
And I think change can be accidental, imperceptible, deliberate – and I think it’s all but inevitable. (I say “all but” because I know a few people who don’t/won’t/can’t change – who refuse the possibility.)
I don’t really know, but I suspect that we all have an authentic spirit that perhaps evolves through living, and that “change” may be akin to making our way back to the authentic and exuberant beings we were from birth; change can come in the form of masking and twisting away from our core Selves, or of unmasking and finding the courage to be true to our Selves.
On the other hand I sense that soul is something that must be made—a vessel born of suffering and tempered by love (giving love will do) so that it can contain something of the transcendent spirit, the ineffable that makes life truly alive.
In some ways the Chinese grasp change the best, seeing Tao, or Way, as always changing and yet eternal in its flux.
Although I believe that behaviors and feelings can change, I notice that it is very hard to deliberately change; it seems more effective to connect and understand, this creates good circumstances for change, growth and healing to unfold organically from within.
I tend to run my mouth and not think. Which is why that mouth is often filled with my own foot. *cringe* My husband always laughs because I never get in trouble for hiding the truth; I always tell the truth TOO MUCH and then get into hot water.
I don’t think we can change the big elements of our personalities (eg: introvert, cautious) but small behaviors we can change and we certainly can do things to push ourselves (for example, an introvert can try to socialize more often because her husband enjoys parties).
And that Jill? I cannot stand her! She is such a pushy bitch! Argh!
I listen to myself a lot because if I don’t, I’ve got three smartasses and two in training waiting for me to slip up!
I believe that people are fundamentally incapable of change, but I also believe that if motivated enough, and if disciplined enough, people can overcome personal faults and change their bad habits.
I believe people can quit unhealthy behavior and find a calling at any stage of life. I don’t believe people with a history of selfish behavior ever stop thinking of themselves first, but they can train themselves to consider others before making a decision.
I know that people can change. It has to begin with the acknowledgement that there is a flaw in one’s perfect self. Many of us spend a lot of energy to protect ourselves from that knowledge. When we understand that we can survive as imperfect beings and still be deserving of love, the way for change is open.
Jo Marie, Nice to have you hear and joining the discussion. (I’m an admitted RHNY addict, counting down the hours until this week’s reunion show, not to mention Bethenny’s show.) I agree with your observation that when we feel deserving of love, we are more open to recognizing our imperfections, and changing for the better.
I saw that, too! (Just joined the Housewives craze about two weeks ago.)
I think Jill has no desire to change. Take me or leave me, that’s her motto. And I hope Bethenny sticks to her decision to leave her.
I agree that we have choices. Sometimes, I choose not to change. But it’s not because I can’t, it’s because I don’t want to. And I think that’s what Jill was really saying.
You know April, I also can’t help but wonder about the marketing aspects behind Jill’s attempts to patch things up with Bethenny. All the bad press surely couldn’t have been great for her book sales. On the other hand, we know these shows are heavily edited. HEAVILY. Who knows what else has gone on that was never filmed, or left on the proverbial cutting room floor. Just one more reason to take all this “reality” with a grain of salt, even as we sit and shake our heads disapprovingly. (Me included.)
As one who reinvents herself on a regular basis (out of desire or necessity), I can say it is most certainly possible to change–everything. Behaviors, attitude, looks, fashion and weight (sometimes ;-)). Comfort zones are for being dragged out of. Or, at least, that’s my world.
I’m definitely with you on this one, Lisa!