It is a long weekend in the States. A holiday. Memorial Day.
For some, it is a day spent in realization of this occasion. But for most, this weekend announces the arrival of summer vacations, of travel, of family time. Carefree or carefully constructed schedules. A break in routine. A break, of any sort.
And it has been a grueling week. Rain and stress. The final crunch of papers and exams. Packing. Airports. Goodbyes. I find myself in unfamiliar territory.
Home alone.
Now what?
It’s not that I am never home alone, but this is different. I am rarely off duty as a parent, and this period of time was unexpected. Not quite empty nest, yet suddenly, very much so.
Break time or work time?
I’ve been pacing. For hours. Since before light. I slept deeply – another rarity. My sons are safely at their destinations, where they need to be. But where do I need to be? And doing what?
Yes, I can watch French Open in a few hours, uninterrupted. If the power stays on. But here I am, sitting, then pacing. Feeling stuck, as the rain pours down. Scores of projects wait to be undertaken. But I’m burnt out. Burnt. Out.
There has been no real break in so long. I poke around inside my imagination. An island would do nicely. A beach, anywhere. Or Paris, of course. But there is no plan for sand and sea. No isle in the Caribbean. No transatlantic travel to France for a fantasy vacation. So how do I rest, even for a day or two, knowing I must somehow disengage? Knowing I cannot seem to do it here?
What does a single parent do, after 18 years, finally home alone?
Dreams of “Away”
The sound of the rain is both soothing and irritating. It carries the quality of a low, comforting murmur. The hum of heat on a cold winter’s night. But it also precludes any outdoor activity – a long walk, enjoying the freedom to wander a little, without direction.
A small coffee shop would suit. A table from which to perch and observe. To write. To absorb quiet in the midst of energy. But not in this dismal downpour. No venturing out to navigate slick roads, the unappealing emptied streets.
Instead, this. I sit, I wonder, I pace. I sit again. I am too restless to read, so I string a few words together on the page and reflect, wishing I could flip the thinking switch to the “off” position as the steady rain turns up its volume to torrential. Now I begin to worry: where is the flashlight in case of power outage, is the basement flooding, will any tree limbs topple and cause damage. The hours stretch in front of me in disorienting fashion. I am at loose ends. I am uncomfortable being at loose ends.
Reflections from a soaking tub
If only I could get out of town. Away from the rooms that need cleaning, the papers that need sorting, the blaring noise of every constraint and responsibility. And there are many.
Why is it so difficult to get away in our heads, unless we can get away physically as well?
There is the tub. I could fill it. Soak. Dream.
Of course I’ve told myself that for years, and I’ve never indulged. I soak in a tub when I am on vacation. When I feel away. When I’m in France.
But what if I fill the tub, light a few candles, and pour a glass of wine – then, might I imagine myself away? Or will I focus on the grout that needs attention, the bathroom floor that demands mopping, the stained sink that awaits a good scrubbing?
Breaking the rhythm: vacation
I know myself; I unwind when I am absent from the everyday. It could be New York. Paris. Or anywhere in France, assisted by the change in language.
With or without a vacation, I know this was easier once. Slipping into a single self. When did it become so hard?
Is it a matter of money? Of aging? Of so much solo parenting that when a break appears I don’t know what to tackle first, or how to tackle nothing at all? What do you do when your surroundings scream at you to accomplish, and there’s no escape from four walls, much less the voices of internal dialog?
I knew I could count on you to post today!
I admire my friends who take vacations, who set aside the time and money to get away to be themselves without obligations. Our vacations are long trips with big groups of family members – fun-filled, and rarely relaxing, but I love it. This year we’ll take a staycation to work on the house – no more big trips until we can leave an actual home behind.
This Memorial Day is my birthday and finds me sick and lying down. My husband took the toddler next door to “help,” and my sister is making soup. It’s forced R&R, but R&R nonetheless.
A staycation! I love the word – and at times – that’s just right.
Yes, I’m here (as usual). The discipline of writing daily, if not disciplined writing, daily. 🙁 Instead, I’m using my discipline to pay bills and try to wage war against the encroaching stacks of files and papers. (I suck at staycation… )
Meanwhile –
Happy birthday to you –
May you feel better, too.
Let the soup work its magic
And chase a-way flu!
(To be read to the tune of Happy Birthday in your head. Pitful, I know. But hope the soup is soothing, the wee bit of peace of assistance, and that your day perks up later on. Be sure to make a birthday wish!)
PS, Leslie –
Perhaps I should post multiple times, to make up for the quiet in the blogsphere? Of course, that would only be helpful or interesting if I were capable of being helpful or interesting. And today – not so much. Bills kill off brain cells far more brutally than a glass of wine.
(Now where’s my “funny” anyway? I lost the damn thing again. Maybe because the French Open matches aren’t very inspiring today…)
Funny, I feel like I’ve read (and written!) about being alone (well, for me, being alone means being single) during the unofficial kick-off to summer. I’ve had a good amount of plans, but last night/today do not, and while the peace and quiet is welcomed, it does make the mind wander, to the next, to being un-alone, etc. so your post totally resonated with me today.
I’m glad the post resonated, Jolene. It’s sort of weird alone. Not depressing-alone, just “at loose ends” alone. And yes, the peace is welcome, but the mind wanders to other sorts of alone, and what it would be like, not alone.
Exactly what you said…totally agree.
I feel your anxiety if you will at the home alone thing. It’s so hard when you are so used to having at least one other person around to suddenly be by yourself. Here’s hoping you can FORCE yourself to relax and enjoy!
So far, I’m forcing myself through bills and files… 🙂 Not relaxing. But productive.
Alone is complicated. So is connection. I often find myself vacillating between doing something in the solitude of my home or coming up with an activity that involves someone else, even if it’s just my husband. Perhaps it is because the self I want to put out there is still vulnerable, afraid of being told it isn’t wanted unless it changes to suit someone else. That’s my internal dialogue, anyway — reach out or keep in?
Can totally relate. I have a really hard time relaxing as well. As you put it, why do we need to *leave* physically in order to relax mentally? But that’s just how it is for we worriers (see my post today which is twinned cybernetically with this one…)
hang in there.
enjoy your bath
Delia Lloyd
http://www.realdelia.com
I often create things to do, when I know relaxing is probably in my best interest. It is this need to constantly engage the mind. I am trying hard to find silence, but find myself looking for noise. I don’t have any answers, but face some of those same questions about relaxation/alone time.
In the meantime, take a deep breath and maybe try to void your mind for at least a minute or two. And maybe try that bath again.
By the way, I admire your ability to turn out so many insightful posts day after day. Your rock!
I too have a hard time with relaxing when at home. So much always needing to be done. And again, I can relate to the being alone and at loose ends. I used to relish it, it was so infrequent. Now it just screams out to me: this is the rest of your life, deal with it. Sometimes I make deals with myself: do x, y, and z, and then you can relax with a book or watch a movie. Last summer I started going to the beach alone. It was better than I thought it would be. This was good to read because it’s definitely something I need to find a better way to handle.
Funny, last summer my husband and I were looking forward to the kids going off to sleepaway camp and I was miserable! Of course, each day I was home alone with no respite in sight, husband coming home late after work. I found the kids just punctuated my days, just the regular caretaking, etc.
Remember your post about the To do lists that never get done, BLW? Pull that out and “To Do” it!
I love being home alone if I’ve planned for it mentally. But sometimes I feel a little lost not because I need company but because I think the other person/s is (are) off exploring and I’m not.
Hope the holiday went well and you did some fun stuff.
This post made me smile. Much like when I had seven hours alone, you didn’t really know what to do with yourself, did you? I was lucky enough to have lovely weather, so I could leave the house. Had I been stuck between four walls, I think I might have gone a little dotty. And yet, I always DREAM of being alone…
I don’t have the $$ to go away, and I still have a kid at home — but he goes off to his dad’s so I have alone time, too.
When I feel restless like that, I head off to the mountains to hike or hop on my bike. That’s when I do all my thinking — or meditating.
Allowing us the freedom to goof off without guilt is so important!
Since I’m usually home alone I wasn’t really faced with this dilemma and chose to work all weekend. I do remember when my son first rode off to college. I spent all summer thinking it would be the end of the world and then it turned out to be a non-event. I think as he got older I got less involved and so the final leave taking was surprisingly painless.
Alternatively, my younger sister still has two children under the age of 13, who she home schools. She’s with them 24/7 so when they go I think she finds herself as much at loose ends as you do. Her answer is to call her girlfriends and enjoy some rare time with them. On the other hand, she still has a husband at home so her relish of a little alone time is different!
I hope you ended up finding some enjoyment this weekend!
I do think it’s different when you solo parent, and depending on how much time you’re used to dealing with kids. It’s both lovely to have a bit of time to breathe, and very unfamiliar. That said, I hunkered down with bills, writing, and good movies (it was raining), and it was a productive and pleasant day or two. As for these next days? Plenty of work and writing to do around here, always. It’s the “relaxing” thing that’s harder, not to mention emptying one’s head of the stream of worries.
I must say – I love not cooking and not driving. The rain let up today, and I’m happily eating fruit and salads, and I’ve walked all my errands. That’s HUGELY agreeable to me, for so many reasons. (I hope you had a great weekend, too – and let us know if you see It’s Complicated, and what you think.)