Keeping the Peace?
Sometimes you take exception to a decision, yet you nod in agreement, or you simply let it pass. You justify your acquiescence as keeping the peace, or knowing when to pick your battles. But something else is going on.
You worry about saying no. About ruffling feathers. Or worse.
So you keep mum. Or you say yes.
Sometimes you hear yourself saying yes and you wish dearly that no would roll off your tongue, but it seems so much harder, more frightening, capable of unleashing a string of consequences that don’t bode well.
Anger. Resistance. Disapproval.
And now yes is the habit of a lifetime, the habit of your relationships, the habit of your role at work.
If you always say yes, where do you put no? Here are a few familiar places: in the appearance of anxiety, migraines, sleeplessness, the nightly glass of wine, the cigarettes, the growing depression.
Sometimes, you spend so many years accommodating – everyone – that you forget to accommodate yourself, wondering when “you” got lost in the mix. Your life is filled with many good things, but something doesn’t quite fit. You don’t quite fit. You’re not unhappy exactly, but nor would you say you’re happy. But then no one’s happy, right? Or so you tell yourself, seeking solace.
People Pleasers
And if I said that people pleasing is a woman’s issue?
Think about it. Who do you know that’s most likely to capitulate, to compromise, to self-sacrifice – even to step into the doormat role on a regular basis?
Who puts everyone’s needs before her own, believing that it is the better path – or the only path?
Do these behaviors begin in our homes as children? Do they find reward in the classroom, in the adolescent dating waters, and then the workplace? Are you rewarded for pleasing, but at great cost to self-esteem, and even, ultimately, earning power?
Do we eventually learn to use our people pleasing behavior in ways that benefit ourselves?
According to an article in Psychology Today*
The typical People Pleaser is someone who lacks an internal compass to gauge the value of their own actions, explains Linda Tillman, a psychologist at Emory University. “As a result, they spend their lives looking for validation from others.”
The Child’s Desire for Validation
What child doesn’t seek the comfort and approval of a parent? Who among us doesn’t remember wanting to please those we loved, those in authority, those we admired?
The same Psychology Today article cites psychologist Jay Early, author of Finding Your Life Purpose.
“Often, parents will simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves,” he says. “When the kids obey, the parents give them conditional love.”
And when parents are physically or emotionally abusive, when they are absent, when they are erratic in doling out love or approval – the seeds of people pleasing behaviors are planted early, and reinforced. Not only does the child seek validation, but avoidance of pain, or the foreboding sensation that disapproval promises dire consequences.
A Society of Silent Women?
Silence as tacit consent can be destructive. Compliance, as a way of life, can be demeaning. People Pleasing, taken to an extreme, undermines an ability to function independently, or to direct our lives according to our goals rather than those of others.
Women who suffer from people pleasing behaviors may not be literally silent, but – and I include myself here as a recovering People Pleaser – we are silent in voicing our true expressions of self. And in acting on them.
We know ourselves as the tireless team players, the volunteers who rarely (if ever) say no, the cheery jugglers who are admired by others. But we fall into bed at night depleted, feeling as though the day’s accomplishments are insufficient, even if we ticked off items on an endless list. And incidentally, as the years wear on, frequently those items only peripherally involve us.
- Must we fear losing friends if we decline the latest request for our time?
- Must we fear the top of the layoff list, if we don’t always put in extra hours?
- Are we worried about our relationships, if we say no when we want to say no?
- Must women ask permission or cultivate consensus where men would never dream of doing so?
People Pleasing – a Syndrome?
I have spent my life in the pursuit of goals and simultaneously seeking to please those around me. Is there any crime in wanting a pleasant environment? A cooperative team? A tranquil household?
I find nothing inherently wrong with a desire to please others or give pleasure. The problem arises when the scales constantly tip in favor of choices that are not in our own best interests. Or even, when behaviors are laden with motivations (conscious and otherwise) that drive us to please others in ways that are compulsive, that obscure our own needs and wants, or obliterate them altogether.
Should we coin another syndrome, another personality disorder? Might we have a brave new pharmacological solution for this condition, a vague reference to the brain’s misfiring in Area 25, and a pill to miraculously restore our psychological balance of power?
I suspect that’s already been done. And yet People Pleasing is not so simple, and nor is it always a disadvantage. But taken to an extreme, the behaviors set us up for being benignly or maliciously exploited. People Pleasers are prime targets for narcissists, often gravitating toward each other, playing out subconscious scenarios that go unrecognized at the time.
Parent Pleasers
My own bouts with people pleasing derive from early training, absorbed in childhood, and reinforced throughout my marriage.
I was a Parent Pleaser. My father was often away, and my mother was the textbook narcissist – an imposing, even frightening force. Pleasing her meant greater likelihood of not incurring her wrath – her booming voice, her verbal lashing, or any other form of punishment for stepping out of line. And stepping out of line generally meant doing or saying whatever displeased her at a given moment. I learned the necessity of yes – to anything she asked.
Thus, my parent pleasing was less about the carrot than the stick. I was conditioned to avoid pain, and educated as the “good girl,” occasionally garnering reward in the form of parental approval.
Partner Pleasers
I love giving pleasure, and that includes pleasing a man – in all ways. I may be more straightforward than other women in saying as much, but I believe many of us acquire the art of partner pleasing – in and out of the bedroom. Not only do we find it useful (some women use it to wield power), but many of us find pleasing others in bed – and in life – genuinely satisfying. Ideally, this is a two-way street, but that isn’t always the case.
Pleasing a partner is multifaceted; as with all things between two individuals, this movable feast of emotions, actions, and activities dwells in a highly personal and very private space.
When pleasing a partner grows into an inequitable balance – sexually or in any other way – problems arise. Many women swallow the bitter pill, and accept the situation in order to remain in the relationship, to retain financial security, or a familiar emotional and social landscape.
They also do so to provide stability and continuity for their children.
When People Pleasers are Parents
Are you a People Pleaser? Are you raising your children to be People Pleasers?
- Are you aware of offering conditional love, conditional approval, or bending your child’s will to your own?
- As women, are we bound to pass along people pleasing examples to our daughters more often than to sons?
- Are we teaching peace at all cost, happiness of others first, accommodation in place of questioning?
There are no quick fix solutions to achieving healthy interactions with others, no perfect measure of conciliation and argumentation. I have no ten tips for your quick consumption – though I’m sure they exist. What I do possess is my own journey from an uneasy childhood, my misjudgments carried into adulthood, and enormous introspection as I have parented, encouraging both yes and no – in myself – and in my children. Even when it has meant conflict.
Pleasing Ourselves 
Must we toss away our people pleasing talents altogether? And they are talents, finely honed skills, and useful. Our most charismatic personalities are People Pleasers – successful motivational speakers, sales people, fundraisers, PTA organizers, celebrities, and politicians.
There’s nothing wrong with people pleasing; in fact, there is much that is right. It is a matter of impetus and of degree. It is a matter of how you feel – about yourself, your actions, your purposeful inaction.
Even for those of us who have tumbled into the trap of a lifetime of people pleasing, we can learn to transform some of these behaviors into advantages. We use them to make friends, to network professionally, to be conciliatory when it is truly required. We learn to please bosses and spouses and those in the public arena whose help we may need.
The problem comes when we don’t dare to displease.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
At a certain point, the light bulb goes on. We may think – it’s too much, I want to find myself again, I want something for me.
The People Pleaser personality may be one thing, but the skills are quite another. We needn’t cease pleasing people; we need to moderate our diet. Just as the narcissist might seek to curb her excessive ways. Or, the socially anxious, to interact with less fear.
When it comes to people pleasing, it is not about stopping altogether; it is about awareness, and management of feelings and behaviors.
You can find plenty of lists and articles when it comes to curtailing people pleasing behavior. Some suggestions may work for you; others may not. My experience tells me that modifying any behavior is a slow process, a matter of practice, and determination. I continue to work at this precarious and essential balance, daily. Learning to say yes – to what is most important – by saying no.
*Psychology Today, “Field Guide to the People-Pleaser: May I Serve as Your Doormat?”, Elizabeth Svoboda, May 1, 2008
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Thank you, BLW, for this – I’m a textbook pleaser as well and I’d say that I did, somewhere in there, lose track of ME in the focus on others. In fact, much of the last couple of years for me has been focused on trying to reconnect with my own internal compass, voice, and value system.
Thank you for this thoughtful examination.
xo
I am a people pleaser and I HATE that about myself. I am really, really, trying to break out of this pattern. Thanks for this, Wolfie!
When I was pregnant with Emily I was forced to say no. My pregnancy was already starting on a rough note and my doctor politely and firmly told me I needed to take it easy. It was hard! But, it was also liberating.
I like how you mentioned partner pleasing. If sex is to be fulfilling, it needs to go both ways. I know that when my husband and I work at pleasing each other, our sex is much more rewarding than when we focus solely on ourselves. Mutual pleasing, as you said, is rewarding.
I’ve become better about people pleasing, when I realized I was compromising my essence. It has been a long road for me, but I’ve slowly managed to say yes to myself, and no to others. It can be hard, but sometimes you have to do what is right for you. It’s getting there that is the hard part.
Getting there is certainly the hard part, Rudri. I find I have to remind myself, over and over.
I’m not sure people pleasing is a female trait. My ex-wife was not a people pleaser. She’s very confident, and does things for her own reasons. My daughter is the same, as is my mom. I was raised by my parents to find validation within myself. I am the only judge of me. I don’t do things seeking validation from others. I used to think it was the sign of a creative spirit (I come from a family of artists), but maybe it’s something else. At any rate, I think it’s tied to how people are raised. Which means anyone can change, and stop being a people pleaser, and start doing things only to please themselves. (That really does sound like an artist, doesn’t it? Artists do things for their own reasons, and they know when they are done working on a piece.)
I didn’t say people pleasing was a female trait. I did say it is learned and rewarded in girls and women in many ways. I still believe that to be true. And apparently, essentially, you believe that as well. Your mother, your wife, your daughter – all may have had the benefit of being raised to own themselves and their talents. Many women are not so fortunate, and society continues to reward the conciliatory woman over the strong-spoken.
Of course you knew I would just eat this up! So much of it, I’m sad to say, spoke to me. I am a people pleaser. It’s a crutch, and I want, I need to fix it. I’m just not sure how. I like lists, tangible how to’s, and I’m not sure this is so simple. Because as you say “And now yes is the habit of a lifetime, the habit of your relationships, the habit of your role at work.” No where is it more paralyzing for me than at work. And that affects the rest of my life negatively. Thank you for this. I enjoyed it tremendously, and as I said. I’ll be back again to read it more carefully.
“Nowhere is it more paralyzing for me than at work.” — I find this striking, Christine. So many people think that women have come so far in the workplace. We have, yet we have so much farther to go. As much as anything, because of the way that many (not all) young women are socialized, the culture in which we operate, and the infrastructure (or lack of it) within which we pull our punches or plunge straight ahead – with varying professional consequences.
Thank you for sharing your impressions on this subject.
Beautiful illumination of a problem for men and women. As a man I know I don’t fully appreciate your comments. There are differences that I have observed but not lived. That said…
In my humble opinion…exploring the need to please others, and the need to please yourself, is ongoing. Acknowledging the low notes and moving towards the high notes of each perspective begins with communication (which you have begun here so beautifully).
I use (and recommend) writing as a personal private tool to communicate, clarify and support action towards what is the right combination for each individual. It’s a small step that links the problem to the solution and allows repetition of good ideas and feels to build strength and progress.
The answers usually begins with questions. Do I have a problem with pleasing? What does the solution look like? How can (what can, who can…) move me forward to the solution? Clarity may not be immediate but will come with time and review. (Overnight success is a myth…fostered on the covers of many “women’s” magazines).
Thank you for sharing so beautifully.
Have fun,
Jim
I’m pretty good at saying no, but I still feel guilty afterward. Like a couple of weeks ago, when Sylvia had her choir competition at D-land, and Riley and I spent the day there, though I was not a chaperone. I’d feel guilty when I saw the chaperones, but then I finally remembered, duh! I have another child here! It makes sense that I couldn’t chaperone. And hey, at least I was there, cheering my child on, right?
See? Still rationalizing. I really need to work on that!
Oh, April. I think most mothers understand. The guilt. The competing pulls for our attention. And the rationalizing.
I admit in the part where you called it a new syndrome I laughed out loud. It really is true…..it probably is a syndrome in the making. I believe it does lead to depressed and repressed feelings. I have several friends who always say yes and it drives me batty watching them rearrange their lives for something that is not important. I see how they struggle. I am often criticized for saying no all the time and doing what works best for my family.
I don’t know, it is a bit of a lose/lose situation. People always will want a piece of us, there will always be someone who wants to pull your strings and manipulate you for what works best for them. It is difficult to know who those people are all the time. They come in disguises. I am a nurse so believe me, I can people please (I love where you said you love to please men, that is great, I too like to wield that power), but do think I have mastered the art of saying no.
Unlike you, I saw my mother say yes all the time and I saw how abused she was. I guess there is this magic balance where you say yes and no enough, you start to identify what is really important and who you really care about. I would like to think that happiness is found when that balance is struck. It is not so much what people think about you but what you think about yourself. The more comfortable we become with ourselves in quiet contemplation the easier it is to just say no (Nancy Reagan was on to something with that slogan).
ps. Thanks for your comment on motherese, it means a lot to me.
So much food for thought. You’ve got me thinking about my own eldest-born-surviving-with-a-narcissistic-mother tendancies. And how am I passing down any of these damaging behaviors to my own children? Great post. I always knew that I was a “pleaser” but I never thought how that trait might affect my children.
The day that I stopped saying yes to everyone (mainly my parents, family, friends, co-workers) was the day that I finally grew a backbone. I was a people pleaser. Now I’m my family’s back bone.
What a great post on yes! I was looking forward to reading your post. I knew that it would have a voice of strong conviction.
“The problem arises when the scales constantly tip in favor of choices that are not in our own best interests.” — So true. We need to learn to take care of ourselves first before we can effectively take care of others. Easier said than done. I did get pretty good at saying no. I went through a year when all I did was say no to toxic people, soul-sucking work, persistent drama I had nothing to do with, to myself that I didn’t recognize (or like much). And now that I have a child, I want to say Yes more often. It’s harder for me because I’m leery of what I’m getting myself into. But I do believe that for me here now, Yes is where the magic happens.
Belinda, Alita, Jane, Joely, Jim, Amber and the rest of you who have commented these past few hours – what wonderful, thoughtful responses. Thank you for taking the time to read, and to pause. What an incredible community Sarah and Jen have helped to foster, so we may learn from each others’ perspectives in this way.
While reading this, I, a card-carrying people pleaser, thought back to your Lust post about lingerie and my own admission that I don’t usually treat myself (aka saying YES) to simple luxuries. And taking that essay in the context of this one, I’m working on some sort of mathematical equation deriving the relationship between a tendency to please others and a reluctance to please oneself (and I don’t just mean sexually). I’ll let you know when I work it out. 🙂
Interesting observations, Kristen. And yes, a few “self treats” are things we ought to consider. Lingerie, time to read a book, a few hours off from parenting… something for YOU.
So much wisdom and insight to process here, Wolfie. And I love that you’ve brought a totally different perspective and angle to the “Yes” conversation we’re all having today through Momalom.
I’m a recovering people pleaser, too. Something to do with being the oldest child, and an only child for many years, I think. Definitely a parent pleaser, never wanted to disappoint them or break the rules. I do think, though, with my Husband I’ve moved away from these tendencies. Thankfully.
Do you think people pleasing is also related to conflict avoidance? I hate conflict. I hate debate and argument. My in-laws thrive on debate – it’s never personal, always about the issues – and that continues to make me uneasy. Raised voices, point and counterpoint, it’s sometimes too much for me. So I guess I still have some work to do.
Oh yes, Eva – people pleasing as conflict avoidance. Some of us by nature shy away from any conflict, yet it’s necessary in life. Parenting requires it (hello toddlers! hello teens!) – and even in the workplace, I believe that conflict avoidance is one of the things that holds women back. (No data, just my observations.) You hit on something vital there. So how do we fix it?
I had to come back to this three times already! This is a big tackle. Certain life changes – getting pregnant, having a child – have helped me achieve the kind of perspective I need to say no when I need to. (Or sometimes, just when I want to!) Occasionally, some well-played diplomacy or genuine friendliness comes in handy. But I want to work on always choosing friendly-and-frank over pleasing and pandering.
Friendly and frank over pleasing and pandering. Well said, Leslie.
Once again, a very thought-provoking post. Sometimes I find myself succumbing to being a people pleaser just to keep the peace. Sometimes I go out of my way NOT to be a people pleaser. I guess it depends on my mood at the time. In hopes of pleasing you, I have some bloggy love for you over at my place if you are interested. 🙂
Lisa, you’re sweet! I’ll go peek.
I tend to be a people pleaser – esp at work. I sometimes agree with people when something in my core screams “NO! That is wrong, say something.” Nine times out of 10, my gut was right and I kick myself for not standing up for what I believe.
I waged a battle on the people-pleasing-soul-destroying-YES a few years ago. In the time since, I have learned more about myself and my fears (as well as my strengths) — along with learning to spot when others are using me for their own agendas. It has been a powerful learning process.
I feel like this post is the academic explanation for my yes post.
While I don’t think it is a female trait I definitely think women fall prey to it more. I was the one trying to please all in my family growing up and boy, eventually I just rebelled and was so angry. I hope to hell I’m not raising my kids this way.
Great thoughtful post!
Really a fascinating piece and discussion today, BLW! I think, like some of the others, that I had a hard time saying no in a work situation. Now, working from home but appearing to be a stay at home mom 🙂 I get asked to volunteer at a lot of things; things that would ruin my life. And writing takes a lot of quiet time. I’ve learned to be very reticent about things that are recurrent commitments, though I always have guilt. The guilt, however, is outweighed by the relief of not having to do the task!
I think that sometimes there is a question of responsibility versus people pleasing. That is not to say that some people have trouble saying no, but that sometimes the lines between responsibility and people pleasing can become blurred.
This is a terrific piece. It reminds me of the wisdom of Rachel Simmons, who started out researching “Mean Girls,” and ended up with this terrific book, “The Curse of the Good Girl.”
It’s a must read for parents of adolescent girls… but also pretty great for any woman ever constrained by the need to please.
http://www.rachelsimmons.com/books-and-articles/curse-of-the-good-girl/
This was pretty profound for me: “If you always say yes, where do you put no? Anxiety, migraines, sleeplessness, the nightly glass of wine, the cigarettes, the growing depression?”
We do say “no”, even if not out loud. Instead of saying it forth right we say it with self destructive behaviors.
Last night I told my daughter I couldn’t go to an event of hers. This is very uncharacteristic of me. I said, “If I go I will be grumpy later,” I think somewhere I’ve begun to learn what you’ve articulated here, that my NO shows up eventually…and eats at me and others.
Interestingly, my daughter was super supportive, “Well, I don’t want you grumpy. None of us wants you grumpy. Take care of yourself. There will be other times.” Maybe in saying “No” to this event, I’ve said “Yes” to a way of living, both for myself and for my daughter.
Wonderful insights!
Simply excellent writing!
BLW, you capture the essence of an important issue for a lot of women. Taking care of ourselves is something that we as women don’t do enough.
Ironically, I just wrote about this recently but as a lesson to be drawn from my hard earned mistake. I proposed that we learn to say no. It wasn’t well received by some women.
http://www.moneyandrisk.com/giving/giving-ideas/women-say-no-to-philanthropy/
You did a much better job at sharing all the ways and whys that we shortchanged ourselves. I enjoyed it a lot.
And you remind me, Kim, that money is one of the ways in which we do not take care of ourselves as well as we should. Those of us who marry – even if we continue to earn a living outside the home while raising children. A whole, vast area of discussion, in and of itself.
I think you just summed me up in this article, I think we all have a bit of ‘people pleasing’ happening in our lives but for women it does appear more so. Great post, really interesting topic.
Thank you for this take on Yes. I had kind of forgotten this part of life. The people pleasing. I HATE people pleasing, and I’m pretty good at not feeling like I’m being walked all over most of the time. However, I do worry too much about the judgments. And what people will think when I say NO to making it to this week’s PTA meeting or bringing in cookies for the bake sale or signing my kid up for Coaches Pitch. (Do you see a thread here?)
Yes, I do see that thread, that leads us at times to unravel… Those “no’s” are so hard.
Excellent! Thank you for writing this. You make so many valid points. I too have had to confront my inner people pleaser. It is about choosing battles, choosing the path of least resistance. I like how you ended with finding ways to use the advantages. We shouldn’t berate ourselves for this behavior. Like you wrote, it’s more important to recognize it and change our behavior. My year of the pushback was when I turned forty. Since then, speaking my own mind has gotten easier, as has my ability to just say no.
Food for thought. I don’t really consider myself a people pleaser, mostly because I think what others think of me is (mostly) none of my business. But it reminds me of a short anecdote: one Christmas I was explaining to a good friend about the crazy driving we do so that all of the grandparents (three sets and two sets of great grandparents) can spend some time with the kids. He asked me why I put myself in that position when I dislike it so much. I reminded him that my happiness is intrisically linked to their happiness (kids and grandparents). It wasn’t about choosing a battle, simply about making the most number of people I loved the happiest.
Thanks for your thought provoking post!
This is wonderful and thoughtful, Shawna. I was going to write a little more about people pleasing this morning (for a particular reason), and this gives me more food for thought. There is no question that making those we love happy gives us enormous happiness ourselves, as your example shows. Thank you for joining the conversation.
Great article. People pleasers also tend to have repressed anger that they try to bottle up until it gets too much to bear.