A few days ago, Amber at Making the Moments Count wrote about her growing discomfort leading up to attending a social function.
I could certainly empathize. Particularly in my 20s, socializing for work or pleasure was often accompanied by major worrying beforehand. With time and practice, I learned to observe, to take the temperature of a room, to get others talking, and to shmooze.
Easy? Nope.
But practice makes perfect!
By my 30s, I was much more comfortable socializing in a business setting, but it was still difficult in personal settings, particularly large groups.
View from the 20th century
As for the term “social anxiety,” it wasn’t prevalent in the 80s or 90s. (We seem to have a name or a disorder for everything these days, along with well marketed pharmaceuticals to manage it. But that’s a another discussion.)
Of course there are cases on the far end of the behavioral spectrum, but most of us, at one point or another, have felt extreme and persistent social anxiety of exactly the sort that Amber described. We’ve felt it painfully, often manifesting itself physically. And we either bow out of our social obligations, or tough it out (as Amber did) and attend.
Dare I say that we used to call this shyness – or even extreme shyness?
How do you break the ice at a social function?
Some of us go straight to the bar for liquid courage when faced with a crowd of strangers. If handled in moderation, that may be just the ticket. We hang on to one drink, nurse it, and relax enough to ease into conversation with less anxiety.
But if you tend to go overboard, or lining up the martinis risks embarrassment in front of the boss, potential clients, friends, or dates, you’d better have a few other ideas in store. Besides, alcohol may not be an option because you have kids in tow, it may be a coffee function, you’re driving, or you simply might not care to drink.
Then what? How do you overcome the discomfort, the fact that you’re breaking out in a sweat, that you’re stomach is in knots and you’re feeling a little lightheaded? How do you stop yourself from running for the proverbial hills?
Can we ever really overcome shyness?
Necessity is the mother of invention
Necessity is the mother of the invention. I’ve always loved that expression. It isn’t until we’re forced into a challenging situation that we learn how to deal with it. And we keep learning – over and over – as many times as it takes to master our lessons.
Fear of socializing in large groups is a common problem. Who wouldn’t want a slew of tricks to break the ice in a large group? I’m no expert, but as a formerly shrimpy, geeky, socially inept and overweight person (okay, I’m still shrimpy), somewhere along the way I learned a few things. I had to. I couldn’t have managed in my career otherwise. And once at ease with people, my extrovert tendencies flow more freely.
Now, I couldn’t change my height (yes, there are those great heels… ) but as for the rest? Each was something that could be altered. And stature has nothing to do with height. But putting together all the pieces took me until my 30s to figure out. Admittedly, the times I lived in France helped, enormously – in finding a style, learning to speak with confidence, and generally, feeling confident.
Necessity is the mother of invention, remember? I began to force myself into social situations. Practiced. Over time, I improved, or at the very least, I was more comfortable with the discomfort.
And the Girl Scout motto doesn’t hurt
What else? The Girl Scout motto: be prepared. And here’s what I mean by that.
- Know the sort of people who will be attending, even generally
- Have a few standby topics of discussion
- A handful of opening questions help (most people love to talk about themselves)
- Learn to read the crowd
- Practice the art of listening.
There are many resources on the web that offer tips on breaking the ice – in social settings, romantic encounters, professional environments, icebreakers for trainers leading a class or presentation. Check some of them out. Games are often recommended in a training context (I’ve personally found them to work). And why not in a casual context as well?
Learn some appropriate, open questions to get others talking. And remember that a good listener is rare. You can stand out or simply enjoy yourself, by listening well, and interacting in a thoughtful way.
Laughter as an icebreaker
Amber went on to mention that she has another function to attend, and she’s already anxious. I suggested she pop by her local Five and Dime, and pick up some party favors like funky plastic sunglasses or Groucho glasses (you know the ones – black frames, big nose, mustache). She could get one for herself, or pick up several, as ice breakers, then pull them out, put them on, offer them to a few people and see what happens. And then write about it.
My suggestion may have sounded cavalier, but I didn’t intend it that way. Public speakers know that breaking the ice may involve being amusing, engaging, thoughtful, or surprising. You don’t have to be a stand-up comic, or even know how to tell a joke. And goofy glasses aren’t appropriate for every occasion!
You need to learn to read the room, and discern what may be suitable. Then you can work the room as needed.
As for a casual social gathering over brunch, why not something a little bit silly to loosen things up? Why are we afraid to show our quirkier or more vulnerable selves in public settings? Why do we get tongue-tied and self-conscious? And isn’t it interesting that some of us inhabit strong voices in our writing, yet hang on to our fears in person?
I wonder about that one. Do we feel safer behind the screen? Less likely to be judged by appearance, voice, accent, height, weight, age, attire or other signs of social status?
Here, on the virtual page, do we all possess stature?
- Have you found the perfect opener?
- In a business setting? For purely social gatherings?
- Are we all shy, or socially anxious, in certain instances?
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Social ease is definitely one of those things that gets easier the more you do it. The older I get, the less shy and awkward I feel. Probably because I just don’t give a damn how others perceive me. I love your writing.
First, thank you! And secondly, I wish I could get to that “don’t give a damn” stage. Never quite got there, even with age. (How did you manage that?)
When I’m in situations like that, I lapse back into “reporter” mode and ask question after question after question, just to keep the conversation going. It’s good and bad. I can never figure out how to end the “interview” and move on to a new group.
Also, I do prefer writing to speaking. When you write, you can ponder, edit, rework. But once you say something, it’s said. Done. Finished. Foot in mouth (occasionally). Scary! I’ve got to work on my stature a little more, I guess … =>
I have another draft I just started on how to extricate yourself from a conversation… 🙂 (Guess I should finish that tomorrow?)
That foot in mouth thing. Yep. Been there. (Another reason for good shoes, at least?) But oooo, Stacia, you could help us with how to conduct a good interview! (Who doesn’t need to know that?)
I read this hours before and have finally found some time to sit and write. Thank you for this!!
I think my biggest fear is my children becoming too much to handle. That and eating. I really dislike eating in front of strangers. Usually when I attend functions I manage to forget to eat. Then, when I get home, I almost pass out from low sugar levels. Ha ha. Do you have a cure for that? : )
Amber, Amber, Amber… all I might offer is that you eat something before you go – bring a half sandwich with you to nibble in the car. Keep some crackers in the glove compartment and a bottle of water or a Sunny D or OJ!
Yeah. Hanging that shingle out soon. And you know what they say… you get what you pay for. 🙂
Great post, as always, and great questions. Anxiety definitely decreases the more times we thrust ourselves in social situations. I left a comment on Amber’s post about how panicked I was waiting for some friends to show up at the SoHo Grand bar in my 20s. I waited no more than 20 minutes and happened to sit next to a nice person who was quite ready to chat. Now, after years of having to go to various work-related functions alone, I barely remember walking into rooms with ten or hundreds of people.
I wrote a pretty big response to Amber about that post basically commiserating. I hate going to new groups, hate joining things, blah blah blah. But what’s funny is that when I do it I have no social awkwardness and I’m not shy at all. I just never feel like doing it. Or having new social obligations, or having new stuff that pulls away at the tiny bit of time I have, or, whatever the reason is!
So I guess this makes me wonder if I’m boisterous and loud and easily make friends, then what makes me not want to go to new things? Is this a questions for a professional? 🙂
Believe it or not, I am shy in person but I have spent my life in public situations so know how to put on a facade and do what needs to be done. I love pushing to take that risk in social situations, talking to the big wig or important person in the room, to see if I can handle it. It’s a game. AND, I have never had a problem telling people my opinion so it is easy to let all this out.
I have been lax with my blog reading this week and will have to pop over to Amber’s and catch up – after today’s race.
@Nicki – You are brave! (And hope it’s a great race today!)
@Linda – I never want to go out either – the energy it takes at the end of a long week of long days – and my kids always say “but Mom, you’ll have a great time.” And when I do go, they’re usually right. I think all those years to get to adolescent-survival-mode eat away at our reserves of energy, which is a whole other story.
@Belinda – You’re good! You’re the proof that the more you do it, the easier it is.
@Amber, I was going to suggest the same thing. Eat right before you go in so you aren’t famished afterward. Also, I’ve found it less nerve-wracking to eat the small bites as opposed to a meal. So scout the food for what you can pop in your mouth inconspicuously – grapes, a cheese square, a stuffed mushroom, etc. Choose protein over sweets.
@BLW – I love this post! I have always been extremely shy and refuse to go to the blogging conferences for this exact reason. However, I’m also very active in my local community and often have to attend socials, networking events, and community forums in that capacity. Those events don’t bother me at all, but meeting people who know me more personally (or don’t know me at all — it could go either way with blogging) petrifies me!
Great idea on the pop-it-in-your-mouth foods, Kelly. (If we ever met each other, we could all wear Groucho glasses. Now that could be entertaining. Would we be braver then?)
I am usually pretty good in these kind of situations. (Husband calls me his life vest for workplace social functions.) My sometimes too strong desire to please people helps in these settings: I can generally find a mutually interesting topic, or can come up with a series of questions. Lately, though, I find myself out of practice. The first subject I revert to? The weather.
Yawn.
Yes, Kristen hits on something great: ask questions. Most people love to talk about themselves, so if you enjoy asking questions and listening you’ll be charming everyone!