Those who provide the comforting advice that “one day, your kids will know what you gave up for them” are well-intentioned, and even kind. What parent doesn’t want to believe that appreciation will come for all our efforts, at some point in the future?
But I question the premise, the concept of eventual “justice” when it comes to parenting.
Do we really believe that others need to know our motivations, the depths of our love, our “goodness?”
When we think this way, are we missing the boat?
Why do we need to set the record straight?
For many of us, we muster the mettle to get through tough situations because we believe it is the right thing. We also cling to the idea that we will some day be recognized, praised, or rewarded for the determination it took to get things done. Setting the record straight is about us – our need for affirmation. Or even a thank you, or an “I understand.”
When it comes to children, I wonder if it’s possible. I wonder if it’s necessary, or more specifically when it’s necessary, and appropriate. After all, raising our sons and daughters should be about them, about what they need to know, what they need never know, and the timing of both. If we truly put their best interests first, setting the record straight may or may not be required. Or, the extent to which we do so is not black and white.
Does it happen? Do we ever set the record straight in parenting? Do we get our parental day in court? Our chance to explain ourselves, or redress grievances?
Justice: Legal, Athletics, Business, and more
Most of us are raised to believe in justice. In fairness. In playing by the rules. When history attributes an accomplishment erroneously, we are anxious to see the mistake rectified. We want the “good guy” to have his say and his proper due. We want the record set straight.
In athletics, we scrutinize the replays that prove who threw an elbow, who stepped over the line, who really won the race. We want to know who enhanced performance through drugs (and therefore cheated), so we may believe in those who have earned our respect. If redressing a wrong-doing comes decades later, we’re still happy to have the knowledge, finally, to set things right.
In business, and the business of life – whether it’s taking credit for another’s idea, for the execution of that idea, or for grabbing another writer’s words – we also want to set the record straight. We are a culture that seeks fairness, even if it’s not easy to attain.
Setting the record straight
When it comes to friendships, relationships, marriages – is setting the record straight little more than a pipe dream – understandable, but off the mark? And when it comes to parenting? To the belief that our sons and daughters will thank us for our sacrifices when they are adults, or parents themselves? Is this idea that we can set the record straight another pop psychology band-aid that is all about us, our needs, a way to muddle through one more challenging day, or week, or year?
The notion that we can set the record straight goes hand in hand with ideas of fairness; if life isn’t fair now, we’ll be able to reset the balance in the future – by providing context, by telling our side of the story. We salve the wounds of doing the right things (in this case for our children) and enduring results that are often thankless if not questioned by the very children we love, nurture, and sacrifice for.
When a child is caught between parents (all too often the case with divorce), sometimes it’s best to back off. At other times, you stand and fight. As for the “never put a child in the middle rule,” it takes two parents who live that principle. If one does not, the child will be in the middle. Perhaps not as often as if both parents do it, but it’s unavoidable.
Desirable? Of course not. But let’s not pretend that it won’t happen. Let’s also not pretend that we can swallow our pride if necessary and if that makes it easier for our children.
Children of divorce
I just made statements from my experience, without specifics, I know. The specifics are unnecessary; we all have situations in which we feel we’ve been wronged or misunderstood, as well as clear cut examples of where it is the case. We struggle with decisions at a crossroad. Decisions that affect our lives, and the futures of our children.
Suffice it to say that my own sons have been in the middle of a power play for nine years. They will never know the extent to which that’s been the case, and nor do they need to. The details are unimportant. What they do sense already is difficult enough for them, and of course for me, because I would never wish any sort of pain or doubt for them about either of their parents, and our manner of loving them.
Sadly, millions of children of divorce may feel put in the middle, at least occasionally.
Sometimes the decisions that cause this to happen are inadvertent. Sometimes the decisions are calculated. For myself, I know there are times when I must stand up for my sons by fighting in ways they don’t understand. There are times I back off, acquiescing, and it’s a different sort of fight – my own fight for emotional, physical, and financial survival.
By staying silent or moving to the periphery, I may be screaming inside because it is hurtful – to me. But for them, for now, it is the best of the available scenarios.
As much as we want to keep our kids out of the tug of war, it isn’t always possible. And typically, the child blames and acts out against the parent whose love is unwavering and unconditional. So we long to set the record straight, to explain our position, to be vindicated. But it may not be right for our kids, and it simply may never happen.
Children suffer; we hope it is less in the long run
Children of tumultuous households suffer. Children of contentious divorces suffer. Children suffer in the long aftermath when the warring never quite stops. There are many other scenarios in which our children suffer. I haven’t touched on issues of illness, financial stress, abuse, poverty, addiction, or prejudice.
If short term suffering – for any of us – means longer term gain, then isn’t that what most of us will choose? If I say no to my kids now because it’s best in the long run, even if they’re angry with me, isn’t that the better option?
We all want to be appreciated by our children, for what we’ve given – and given up. But parenting (for most of us) is a choice. A choice to do the best we can for our children.
The pain of keeping certain things to ourselves is intense, but keeping them away from a child’s ears is no less necessary. I haven’t always done as well as I’d like in this area, but I keep trying, reaching for the wisdom to know when to speak and when to stay silent. As for setting the record straight, I can only hope that my sons will live happily and fully, that I will be part of their lives in some way, and that whatever lessons their upbringing has taught – they will love, parent, and contribute honorably.
Then I will know I’ve done my job well, more or less. And frankly, the “record” won’t matter a damn.
- How often do you believe the “record” is set straight?
- Can kids ever really know the dynamics between two parents?
- Don’t all children want to love both father and mother?
- Can one parent ever fully know the dynamic between a child and the other parent?
You May Also Enjoy
I’m not sure I ventured into this journey with any thought that someday my kids would know what I gave up for them. I suppose that’s likely because I didn’t know how much I would have to give up for them when I decided to have kids. Despite the fact that it has been shocking and life has changed so dramatically, I prefer to look at it like how much they’ve enriched my life, how in raising them I’m becoming a better person. I can only hope that one day they’ll know what they’ve done for me and that they have the opportunity to do the same with their own children.
Wonderfully stated, Christine. My life before children seems like a desert, in comparison. They enrich our lives immeasurably. Perhaps the reason that most of us want parenthood for them as well. Such an important comment. Thank you.
I so needed this this a.m. after another morning spat with my eldest, thank you! I hope bringing this up won’t trivialize what I’m trying to say, but I always liked the part in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner where Sidney Poitier tells his father that he owes his dad nothing; from the day his parents brought him into this world, it was their job to do everything they could for him. I totally agree with that. When I was upset with my daughter this morning, while I didn’t say it out loud, I was thinking of all the things I’ve done for her. But it is my job and my obligation to do so. Our “justice” is what Christine said. My parents and I enjoy each other’s company now, as I can more fully appreciate all they did for me growing up. I look forward to the days my daughters and I will spend together when they’re adults and I hope they’ll call me with their exciting news, just as I do my mom.
My two cents (one cent?) … Parenting is a vast collection of small steps that lead after years of effort to a big step where children hopefully become independent functioning adults. I believe children know the dynamics of their family instinctively, (there are no secrets to set straight).
We have a two parent home so I don’t know the struggles of single parenthood but that said: We’ve tried to offer love AND discipline. We’ve tried to teach them to be kind, honest and generous. And now that some of them are talking about marriage, we’ve asked them to improve the family. All that said, my friend Mimi said something that I found both amusing and true. “No matter how good of a parent you think you are your children will always find something about you to talk to their psychiatrist about.” Go figure! Have fun, Jim
Eeeshk. This is so overwhelming to me. My son is just over a year old. We haven’t come to these bridges yet. One of the things I love about reading bloggers whose kids are older than mine is all of the wisdom I gain (ahead of time) based on their experiences. But sometimes I just sit back and think, “Really? I’m going to have to deal with this? How?” I believe I am a strong mother with good instincts. And I believe I’ll be able to tackle these issues when they arise for me. But is it okay in the meantime to be silently thankful that the biggest parenting challenge I face these days is keeping him from emptying the tupperware drawer?
Oh Gale! You made me chuckle with your remarks. Enjoy every minute of the tupperware drawer being emptied. It’s very sweet stuff, even if you have to keep putting the containers back. Just wait until your kids move on to the pots and pans. So much noisier than plastic! (And also fun.)
You are a very wise woman. While you’re raising them, many times you cannot be their friend and parent at the same time. When they are grown, it’s easier to share the intimate details about previous decisions. Sometimes they agree about the motivation. Sometimes not. But there’s a better chance they are mature enough to understand. My husband is big into the “look at all I’ve done for you, you should be more appreciative” and it has backfired many times. Love them. Trust your instincts. And just wait until they have kids of their own. Then you will be amazingly smart. 🙂
I agree with you on the backfiring of “you should be appreciative.” It feels awful to be on the receiving end of a parent who does that (mine did), or worse, a parent who takes credit for the kid’s accomplishments, or who is playing the role of victim. The child never feels quite like he “owns himself,” having to rebuild that confidence into adulthood.
I don’t ever want my sons to feel that way. And then their thank you’s are heartfelt, and the appreciation is genuine. For me, I really felt it the morning my son “ballooned” the kitchen, and it filled me with JOY.
Setting the record straight is a need for validation. I don’t think most parents do what they do in hopes that their child will know the sacrifices made for them. I think it’s done totally to give one’s child the best he/she can offer. I think children should be allowed to love and bond with both parents, and I think they are usually more intune to the dynamics of the parents relationship than parents realize.
I’m with Gale – eeek! Along with yesterday’s post from Nicki about monitoring her kids in the Internet age, I realize what a difficult job you all have and what challenging times we live in. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Kudos to all of you strong, brave parents!
Oui, je voudrais aimer mon père et ma mère. Mais presque tout dont je me souviens de mon père (pendant mon enfance) est vraiment cruel, ce qu’il a fait à ma mère et puis à moi. J’adorais ma mère, donc je croyais que j’étais censée l’aider — et elle m’en a demandé. J’étais trop jeune pour comprendre qu’il vaut mieux laisser les problèmes de mes parents à eux que de me mettre entre les deux. (En fait, je ne voyais pas que je pourrais refuser d’engager.)
Alors, je parle comme enfant ici: il est admirable que vous protégez vos fils, bien qu’il soit épouvantablement difficile. Cela dit, je ne voudrais pas dire que ma mère n’avait pas raison quand elle a choisi l’autre chemin — seulement qu’elle n’a pas bien considéré les répercussions graves de son choix. Si je vous lis justement, vous avez analysé les dispositions particulières de vos enfants et, en suite, vous avez déterminé qu’il vaut mieux ne pas vous y confier que reveler vos soucis. C’est un choix informé et héroïque, à mon avis. En tout cas, c’est tout ce qu’on peut demander de nos parents — la considération, non?
(Mon dieu, c’était difficile d’écrire tout cela en français. J’espère que ce n’était pas complètement indéchiffrable.)
Franchement, il y a des moments que je regrette, quand la fatigue ou la frustration a gagné, et la colère aussi. Je vous assure; je n’ai pas toujours raison, et souvent, je fais de mon mieux, et cela ne suffit pas. On fait de son mieux – il n’y a que ça.
i think this is much different for couples that raise a child together and children that are raised by a single parent or both parents but separate.
when you are a family, you build and maintain a history over time, that is the record. When a family breaks apart, there is more than one record.
One of the things that i ‘learned’ going through a divorce is that you cannot tell the happiness of a couple from the outside, and that is true, i think, but when 2 people work to stay together they build something together. When a couple splits, there are 2 sides to the story, and even if they are both not completely true, they are often true enough for each person
I believe we all go into parenthood thinking, hoping that we will do a better job than our own parents. Not that our parents did a bad job – we just hope we’ve learned from their mistakes. And then we make our OWN mistakes. And, hopefully, our children improve upon them. But setting the record straight? Really setting it straight? I’m not sure that is possible. Sometimes it’s difficult (or inappropriate) to share the whole truth. Sometimes the whole truth is impossible to accurately express. Sometimes the truth escapes even us.
I have never thought of setting the record straight. My kids, if I have my way, will never know the details of why my marriage ended. They have a father who made choices of his own after that point in time and did not stay involved in their lives right away. When he was ready to come back into their lives, I let him as he is their father.
I don’t do what I do for my children because I expect them to “understand” or even for the “score to be settled” at some future point in time. I do what I do because I love my children and, in what little wisdom I have, what I do is what I believe is best for my children.
This is heavy stuff for a lazy Thursday during my Spring Break. You had to go and touch some nerves and make me think. Ah well. Here goes with my little bit of perspective.
I don’t ever hope to set the record straight with my children, so to speak, I only hope that one day they understand that I did the very best I could for them. Even now, I realize that they believe they can and will do better as parents than I am doing. I hope this is true. They will likely never ever understand what I had to contend with post-divorce and I hope they don’t ever fully understand it. My only hope is that flawed, inept and inadequate as my efforts in parenting are (they are so far removed from what I hoped to be able to do for my children), I do hope that they someday understand I did the very best I knew to do at the time given the limited time, energy and financial resources I had.
With time comes perspective, I think, in most (all?) things. As children get older, become partners in their own relationships, and start raising children of their own, they understand (or at least give thought to) their own parents. At they very least, I know this to be true in my own case.
One of my biggest fears is that I’ll raise my son the best way I know how and he’ll end up hating me. I think about this, though my son is only three, as I see grown ups who still, and will probably always, hold a grudge against their parents. I go back to one of the best advice a friend gave me and that is to “just love your kid”. Like most parents, I have uncertainties and I get over-protective, but when I remember this advice, I breathe. I relax. It works for now though I expect things will get more complicated.
Parenting is a selfless task. It’s our chance to give unconditional love, give ourselves to another. We shouldn’t expect anything back.
I don’t think I ever thought of setting the record straight. I do hope one day when they have their own children, they grasp the depth of love and maybe reflect I must feel that for them. With my ex, I assume they’ll never get it and that’s fine. I think kids make so many incorrect assumptions about their parents and their parents’ lives, and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. In most cases they still love their parents and maintain relationships, so maybe that’s the best life lesson of all; accepting the imperfections of those we love. My parents are imperfect people that can drive me insane. Yet I love them so much and would do anything for them. And they are a complete mystery in so many ways.
Although it’s a tall order, if we can love our kids even in the face of their hatred, disappointment and frustration we model for them a vessel that can contain both intensity and ambivalence. There is a difference between a bowl and a sponge, and we do not want to absorb all the vitriol.
More than anything else, a forum like this, Wolf, were we can vent a little and have “grown-up” space, encourage each other to be selfless and be compassionate with each other when we inevitably fall short, probably makes us better parents and helps keep us sane.
As for setting the record straight, it reminded me of the idea that nobody forgets where they buried the hatchet.
Strangest thing – I sat outside a high school classroom last night during drama rehearsal. When certain cast members where not in the scene, they would come out into the hall also. They were having this discussion – almost to the word.
One boy said his parents just hate carting him around. They don’t like to be parents was the way he worded it. I truly felt sorry for him. Suddenly, a female cast member said that it’s too bad. Carting kids around is what parents are suppose to do and when she is a parent, she will do her time – as she put it. It was very strange hearing these young people discussing this.
Wow.
You know, it’s not like I don’t have my little “adolescent scenes” with my kids – most recently my junior in high school. It’s expectable stuff, but no less upsetting when it occurs. (I just don’t believe in the need to “tell all” – for his sake and mine.) In the past week, we’ve had words. Several times. More words are due this weekend; I needed to wait until I was calm, and he was feeling less stressed (his school workload). I kept saying to myself, “it’s his age, and this is my job.”
Last night alone – over two things – I asked a few questions and made some remarks prior to his going out, and then again, during what became another instantaneous party. He looked at me and rolled his eyes (both times), but I nonetheless persisted, and said: “I’m doing my job of parent.”
They don’t always like it. We don’t always like it. But the questioning, monitoring, observing, enforcing, listening, driving – just showing up, if we can – the constancy of it and consistency of it – is doing the job. I think if they have at least one parent who provides that, they roll their eyes. If they don’t, they know something is missing.
When I think back to being a teenager and being aware of my parents as parents (till I had only one due to death) I recognized their attributes and failings pretty well. So, yeah, I don’t find it surprising that the teens would sit there discussing their parents so brutally at the high school like Nicki said. My kids are younger than that and we’re not divorced but certainly they see differences in us as well.
I have little to add to the wonderful comments above, but I will offer one thought based on the experience of being raised by two parents, each of whom came from badly “broken” homes: I’m not sure if the record was set straight in either family’s case, but each of my parents emerged with unwavering love, affection, and devotion for/to the parent (in both cases, the mother) who stayed, who raised them, who made sure there was food on the table (even if, in my mother’s case, there wasn’t much). They may never have reconciled every fact, but they seem to have gotten enough of the gist to come down in favor of the person who was there for them – physically and emotionally.
Reading this makes me think about my own childhood. Being that I am a child of divorce and raised by a mother who often tried, and usually failed, to set the record straight, I get this. But I don’t get it from the perspective of parent because I’m not there. At least not yet. Divorce or no, this is something we all will deal with as our kids grow up. My oldest is 8 so we just aren’t there yet.
And this idea of setting the record straight is funny. It’s funny because as I have grown up and now the record has been set. I see the work that went into my upbringing. And, most importanty, I completely and utterly believe that love is what matters. We can mess up. We will mess up. Without a doubt. But we give our kids the most when we love them entirely and unconditionally.
I like Nicki’s comment because I remember being 16 and saying this stuff all the time. I would say to anyone who would listen that my mom should not complain about all she has to do for us because she is the mother and this is what she signed up for. Of course, as I have grown up and have had children of my own my perspective has changed. I understand her frustration about living in a house with teenagers who never wanted to help out. I know, as a single parent, she usually felt alone and overwhelmed. But.
Part of this still stays with me. It is my turn now to do what she had to do. I accept and embrace it. I feel like what I am putting into my children is something I never expect to get back. Rather it is a different kind of investment. I am investing in them so that they may one day invest it into their children. As my children grow older, I hope I never lose sight of this objective.
Thank you for your perspective, Celeste. I do think I realize things about my own parents, as an adult. They were married for 30 years, but unhappily. I think the notion of setting the record straight is a pipe dream. For me, it’s more than just my kids. I loved my ex’s family, deeply; the version of what they were told about the end of our marriage has little to do with the reality, and of course, I lost them all. I’ve made sure my kids have stayed close to them, and I’m glad. They’re good people.
Divorce is more than two people splitting, and households splitting. For some of us, the losses are sweeping and profound. But it really is first and foremost about doing right by our kids.
I’m pushing 50 and still have issues with my mother, who I love very much. I’m an adult so “blame” isn’t really the issue but there are memories that I have that I wish I didn’t. Things I’ve been told that I wish I hadn’t been. I believe my parents did what they felt was right but there certainly has been no record straightening from up above and I anticipate none from down below. I hope my son will forgive me my faults and that they are outweighed by my virtues. I think that’s the best we can hope for!
Extremely good blog and worth recommending.
I have fretted and stressed over these questions in the last year in particular. I spoke to several wise friends who are themselves daughters of divorce, and they all told me the same thing. They told me it was my job to love my daughter as fully as I knew how, to do the best I could for her, and to stay silent about her dad. They told me that she too is wise, and that she would see what was before her. They told me that she would understand without words who was taking care of her, who was meeting her needs. They told me that the best gift I could give her was allowing her to love her dad unreservedly, and that if I did that, it would help her to love me unreservedly, too.
I have wise friends, and I’m trying to live by their words. I think that there is truth in them. I am trying to live by example, not by pointing out his flaws. I do not always succeed 100%, but I’m trying…
As for parenting in general, I don’t believe my daughter owes me a darned thing. I wanted a child, badly, and I got the child I asked for, all without her input. I hope that she loves me and respects me and likes me, of course, but not because she owes me these things, but because she gives them of her own free will. On my end, I tell her daily how deeply loved and liked she is, and how much she means to me, and I try to demonstrate that through my actions, as well. I also tell her, when she’s asking for things/activities that aren’t good for her (too late of bedtime, too many sweets, going to a friend’s before I’ve met the parents, etc.) that it’s my job to teach her, even when she doesn’t like the lessons, and I’m unapologetic about this. If I didn’t love her and want what was best for her, she could do whatever she wanted without my interference. As I care about her so much, she is subject to my rules, which hopefully protect and teach her. Funny enough, I think she “gets” it – even when she doesn’t like it.
Getting it when they don’t like it. Yes.
As for the keeping quiet, it’s very hard, yes. But if we don’t, when we don’t, we get the anger and we also inadvertently put them in the middle. Neither are “fair,” but we’re the adults. Their anger has to go somewhere (and they’ll go through all sorts of emotions just as we do). We may be the vessel into which they pour that anger (and hurt), but if we are, should we be exactly that – their safe haven, without having to defend or dump any of our anger on them?
It ain’t easy, believe me. But if we don’t try, my belief is that it’s worse.
What do you do when the child opens up (13 year old) and states a laundry list of things that they want to know you’re actions in detail. Yet, when you answer their questions (keep in mind they are all on what.you may or may not have done) then the child calls you a liar. Continually says you are lying. Then add in the fact that you have not been able to see them until you finally got an enforcement order from the court. Now she gets moved 1400 miles away and you get 30 minutes once a week to attempt a relationship while the other parent listens in and immediately ends the call at the 4:30 mark, even if the repeated attempting to call happened for 8 minutes of the time so the “visit” lasts only 22 minutes. I want to answer her questions, and I do admit my failures in the past. I make no excuses but then there is the glaring question of why didn’t you visit and the only reason was actually completely the due to the other parent saying no, not showing at the agreed exchange point, not answering phone calls, etc. And we all know family court gets in no hurry. What do you do?