Tweaking the Recipe
A little of this, a little of that. I love recipes that I can tweak. I thrive on what evolves, what surprises me, what turns out differently each time… even a smidge. Perhaps this is because I’m never quite the same from one day to the next.
Are any of us, really?
I like to tweak my life, my writing, my look. I love to learn. I enjoy my chameleon-like capacity; it has served me well. And haven’t we all invented or reinvented ourselves at one time or another?
In adolescence, we may call this emerging from the cocoon. As we mature, in a way, change becomes routine: We shed old skins as we move around; we try on new careers and new people; we undertake change in ourselves as we gain experience. We adjust as events thrust change upon us, wanted or not.
Pygmalion, Narcissism, Evolution
We are adaptable. Some of us more than others, but all of us, more than we realize. Our reinventions may be physical, emotional, behavioral, or any of these. They may come suddenly, as we throw ourselves into new ventures or gradually, as we ease into our own patchworked pieces of past, present circumstances, and desire for something different.
But what of the man who would reinvent his woman? What of the woman who restyles her man? Is this narcissism, pure and simple? Is there a fine line between “improving the current model” and interfering – or worse – controlling, to the point of damaging another? Does it make a difference if it is with consent, as opposed to subtly achieved, through undermining words and behaviors?
In the film, My Fair Lady, a tale based on George Bernard Shaw’s 1913 “Pygmalion,” phonetics professor Henry Higgins sets about to alter the speech of a lower class young woman. In educating her, he intends to transform her into a “lady,” and do so in conjunction with a wager.
How is this different from Mary Shelly’s slightly more macabre variation, “Frankenstein?” Or better still, Bride of Frankenstein?
Style Makeover for You? For Your Lover?
Last week I was reading through old mails from a friend in France. He is a good man, now 50ish, with a big heart and very particular tastes in women. I spent over an hour skimming four years of missives between us, including his recounting of assorted amorous adventures. In this timeframe, he has run through multiple relationships, each of which left him with a broken heart. His downfall?
He is drawn to the ingenue, to a younger woman whom he wishes to change. He seeks to make over the woman in his life – her mannerisms, her fragrance, her personal style, and her fashion sensibilities. Right down to selecting the perfect lingerie and color schemes.
The man has a fine (and critical) eye, and distinctly sophisticated taste. Yet he never chooses a woman who already possesses the qualities or appearance that appeals to him.
Instead, he refashions a young woman into his ideal. Is this about power? Insecurity? Unrealistic expectations?
Is he a modern-day Henry Higgins, or does he more closely resemble a mad and maddening Dr. Frankenstein?
Patterns
In the last of his emails that I reread, my French friend wrote glowingly of a new young woman in his life, late twenties, whom he’d recently met. He sent images – “before” images – and spoke of how beautiful she would be after. He cared for her already, he said, yet he planned to change nearly everything about her including her manners.
This is precisely his pattern, and has been for many years. Basically…
- He finds a much younger woman “with potential”
- He teaches and “improves” her
- He changes her hair, perfume, makeup, wardrobe, etc.
- He loves her (his creation)
- She stays for a year or less, then leaves him
Yet he never seems happy. And the relationships – no surprise to others – don’t stick.
Style Makeover
Tweak this? Recommend that?
Like I said, we all do it. We offer suggestions and we take them. We do it in friendships, romantic relationships, jobs that require it. We do it to compete, to please, to adapt, to shake things up. We give and take and evolve, trying on new versions of our public persona, our hair, our makeup, our fashions. We alter personality if we can, to improve ourselves.
Listen, I love a great makeover story, don’t you?
But to seek out a partner like a project, with the purpose of making him or her over?
Yes, it’s controlling. Yes, it’s narcissistic. Yes, ultimately, it’s both destructive and potentially, self-destructive. And yet I know this man is essentially kind. He hasn’t found the woman he wants, he seems to be chasing an improbable ideal, and is wedded to a harmful process as he tries to shape his perfect woman right down to the way she carries herself, the clothes on her back, and the colors that suit her – according to him.
Bride of Frankenstein
How did the latest story end?
I need to drop my friend a note to catch up, but I can only imagine much like the others who came before… all of whom learned what they felt was beneficial, put up with his need for control for a time, then left.
An older man may teach a younger woman. For that matter, an older woman teaches a younger man. It is part of the pleasure, and the unwritten manner of passing on wisdom, not to mention sexual experience.
But who wants to be the cobbled-together product of another, according to his preferences, peculiarities, and plan? Even if she blossoms into a woman more like Audrey Hepburn than the Bride of Frankenstein, how can she not be aware that who she is at her core is unappreciated? That her makeover was envisioned from the earliest encounter as part of the master plot?
Are You Frankenstein or Frankenstein’s Bride?
It may be appealing to be whisked from khakis and jeans to fabulous frocks, from plain Jane to emergent butterfly. Yet the ending is not necessarily a happy one. Whatever “self” emerges, won’t the object of desire be destined to leave her so-called “creator?” Or at least, to resent him? If she wishes to stay, will she ever feel good enough? Or will Dr. Frankenstein ever be satisfied?
We can all do with updating the recipe, the style, the attitude. But a wholesale change? When is that appropriate, and who has the right to initiate it? Is it ever alright to engage with a person in order to make them over? Should you change yourself for someone you love?
If so, how much?
- Have you reinvented yourself?
- Was it a personality, style, speech or something else?
- Did you change yourself for you, or for another?
- Must someone change dramatically, in order to be loved?
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I think “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain,” whether you say it in Cockney or not. In other words, you are who you are on the inside, and the external changes someone makes to “improve” you are either acceptable to your inner self. Or they’re not. So you leave, or change back. And for this Eliza Doolittle? Not OK. (Also, you must find out and tell us what happened with your friend and his “projects”!)
I promise to find out about the latest! (And it’s always good for my French to write him. He never seems to learn from what doesn’t work. But he’s a good man. He wants love. Isn’t that what we all want?)
Ugh! This strikes some nerves for me. My first husband would come home after social events and give me a blow-by-blow recap of what I said that I shouldn’t have said and what I did that I shouldn’t have done. It wasn’t long before I stopped laughing, talking and lost my exuberance for life. I was so beaten down after that experience I made a second worse choice and, you guessed it, the treatment was worse. When a person seeks to “remake” someone it is a clear message that they see the individual they wish to remake as inadequate. I’m no psych, so I’m sure it isn’t as cut and dry as that, but it all left me doubting my own good judgment about what was good for me. That behavior is now dealbreaker material for me. On the flip side, I am also aware that hypocrisy cannot live here. I must also accept the man I am dating just as he is without attempting to “remake” him.
As for your questions? They are wonderful writing prompts and points to ponder for me. I might make a post of my own out of them.
Thanks! This, for me, was another winner. (I’m so loving Spring Break!)
Oh man, you keep reminding me of my self-imposed need for a style makeover. I know, I know. It’s coming….it’s NEEDED. It’s a must-do. But can I find a suave French man to make it all happen for me, and then leave him in a year’s time? Or a month’s? Hmm. Why don’t you send on over that email address.
What? You say I’m not in my 20s anymore? No?
Bah. I’m close enough, dahling.
You’re too cute! He does live in a gorgeous part of France, and he can cook! You’re close enough to the age cut-off, I think. But you know the “foulard” lesson is on its way. The art of the scarf, à la française. That, a good perfume, and confidence – you’re good to go!
Ooh, this post is full of thought-provoking fodder.
One of my favorite lines from my wedding is: “That you will promise to make room for each other yet stay within reach. That you will promise to grow as separate people and not grow apart from each other.”
The truth is we all change throughout our adult lives. If you get married in your 20s, much will be different by your 40s – especially if children are part of the equation. For some couples, I think that individual change can be too much. But hopefully, most of us can learn to grow independently and together. Our relationship can grow as we too evolve.
What a lovely phrase to put in your vows, Eva.
Can I get in on Sarah’s style lesson? In desperate need over here!
I was just reading a spread in a “woman’s magazine” about women making over their husbands. What struck me was that every man was transformed into the same polo shirt, tennis sweater, khaki-wearing automaton, with no regard to his individual taste, interests, or practical needs.
I do think that, in the very best partnerships, each partner helps the other grow by recognizing his latent strengths and helping him realize them. So there is teaching and learning, but it’s not so scripted and it’s much more mutual.
As for your French friend? Perhaps he can get a job on the French version of What Not to Wear and leave the 20 somethings alone.
Laughing!
As for Point A, Sarah has been given homework. She is delinquent on her assignments.
She has, however, been given an indefinite extension due to “life circumstances.” You know. Little things like a job and 3 kids. A husband who wants some attention. Bad Fruit Snack Ladies who require dealing with.
As for the same point, if I give you homework, will you do it?
You make a wonderful point about individuality, and the “basic makeover” of magazines that don’t take that into account. I love your idea of unscripted mutual evolution. Ebb and flow. Give and take.
As for my French friend, at this stage, he should probably lay off the 30-somethings as well, though they are less likely to sit still for anyone to try to “refashion” them. I just wish he could find the happiness he seeks. This doesn’t seem to be an effective path, does it…
Sometimes, I would like to reinvent myself…too set in my ways, so I’m allowing myself to slowly evolve!
Suzicate, nothing wrong with evolution. In fact, it’s very sane. (Do you give lessons?)
I think I completely re-styled/created myself when I left my state for graduate school. Southern girl in the North East wouldn’t have worked so well otherwise. I am better for it, though. I think it’s different to change yourself than to have someone decide you aren’t good enough.
Then there’s my mountain man husband. I basically had to house train him. He refers to it as polishing up, but we’ve all seen mountain folk. 😉 I didn’t change who he is or what he stands for, but I did teach him to smoke outside (and then not smoke at all), remove his shoes before coming inside, and that squirrel isn’t a food group. 😉
Too good! (Sounds like these were mutual consent or self-initiated changes. Those are always positive.)
I’ve never refashioned a woman, but some of the best sex I ever had was with a woman who lacked experience. I taught her everything she knows. That was some fashioning I truly enjoyed.
Oh DM. You crack me up. Classic older man-younger woman paradigm. It may be a dirty job, but someone has to do it, after all… 🙂 And more’s the better, if both enjoy the refashion passion.
I dated a man 10 years my senior for exactly…2 weeks. He kept trying to change me, and it seriously pissed me off!!!
I was 29 at the time and, while not exactly a Spring Chicken, wasn’t old enough NOT to let his criticisms sting. He made me second-guess myself. Luckily, I *was* 29 and old enough to toss him to the curb.
Still mad that I even wasted 2 weeks on that asshat.
I’ve never stopped trying to refashion myself. I like the challenge — but I think perhaps maybe I’ve got a touch of ADD. It seems to me that some of what we call refashioning is neccesary adjustment to change.
Though I’m not seeking Professor ‘iggins, I discover mentors, if only mentors for the space of conversation — I’m not sure how I’d feel if someone tried to refashion me.
Cut….I know how I’d feel — pissed.
C’est une histoire triste, à mon avis — chercher quelqu’un pour la réinventer. Pour la plupart de ma vie, mes parents ont essayé de me modeler d’après leur idéal. Je suis en train de me réinventer maintenant, pour moi-même. C’est gênant — j’ai perdu beaucoup de temps en leur faisant plaisir pourqu’ils m’aiment, une tentative qui m’en a coûté.
Must someone change dramatically, in order to be loved? J’espère que non. Mais je suis coupable d’avoir participé en ce genre des relations comme victime volontaire.
Oui, c’est un peu triste. Mais comme tout le monde qui ne change rien, il ne voit pas que sa façon d’aimer ne réussit pas. Mais je ne juge pas finalement. Moi non plus, je n’arrive pas à trouver l’amour. Cela dit, je ne le recherche plus. Priorités aux enfants, à la santé, à la recherche du boulot. Pour le reste. . . qui sait.
i know the illustration is of eliza d, but when i first saw it i thought of mary p–poppins, that is! i was obsessed with her as a kid, and now she haunts me with her cool competence. wish i could transform into her as easily now as then, when i donned the second-hand hat my mother found, and grabbed a “carpet bag” that had once held someone’s knitting.
the thing about m.p. is that she didn’t need anyone (man or otherwise) to “smarten” her up (in both senses of the word). she was full-formed, crisp and coil-coiffed and slightly curt, floating down on the wind with her umbrella, then jumping into a chalk drawing only to become the picture of frilly, flirty femininity.
sigh…pardon the riff.
I feel like I’m constantly reinventing myself, or maybe like you said, tweaking is a better word.
I have done this my whole life. Steal ideas here and there from things I love or like the look of. Some become part of me, some fade. But I do it all with my own individual style, and I guess that’s the difference. I would resent someone trying to make me over who claimed to want to be with me. On the other hand, to be exposed to new ideas etc as a result of a relationship, even in the fashion department, holds a certain allure…
Like Wild Mind, I also had an ex-husband who thought I’d just “look so much better” in whatever he thought I should wear and speak how he thought I should speak. All I’ll say now is that abuse can come in many forms.
I’ve been making myself over since I’m a (very) late bloomer (and the bloom may be gone!) and to force myself to dress like a grown up now that I’m 50, not always like a jeans-clad kid. I think I read the same magazine Kristen was referencing with the husband makeovers and was amazed at how bland the men looked afterwards. My husband dresses like he runs a store all day, that’s all I’ll say.
In Family Science this sort of relationship is referred to as a “project.” Men and women get involved in “project” relationships, thinking that if they could just tweak the person they are interested in a little, they would have a perfect match. The problem is–when is too far? Take abusive relationships for instance. The guy hits her, the girl thinks she did something wrong and seeks to change that behavior, he snuggles with her in response, so she thinks it was all her fault. Similar, huh?
Something that a professor once said was “Never marry a project.” I agree. I married my husband because I knew I could live with him. I don’t try and change him and he doesn’t try and change me. We change ourselves.
I tried, when married, to encourage my ex to take advantage of different things available through his work – mostly additional education. He chose to not. That’s okay with me.
I have a style and if a man doesn’t like it, tough. I don’t mold well. I am willing to “make time” for a person – work later so I have time during the day, cram a lot into one day so I have a free day, etc – but not allow a person to “make” me.
And, I need to thank you and Contemporary Troubadour. My reading is getting much better in French thanks to your exchanges.
I know that relationships with a significant age gap can work. It happens all the time. But for me I much prefer going through the reinvention process along with someone, rather than at the hands of someone. My husband and I are four months apart in age and have been together for nearly 11 years. We have tried out various versions of ourselves, some components of which have stuck, some of which have not.
I think this ties back to the idea that I’m fine admiting the things about myself that I’d like to improve. But it stings a lot more when someone else points them out for me. Love me for my potential, sure, but let me get there on my own.
I don’t believe in radical change for another. In college I fell in love with a woman who was everything I wanted. She was smart, beautiful and sexy. Not to mention that she had a voracious sexual appetite which the 20 year old version of me found very attractive. Ok, I still find that attractive but I digress.
We spent endless amounts of time together and never did run out of things to talk about. I remember thinking that I should be cautious about letting go of a person like that. We weren’t based solely on friendship or sex, there was balance.
But then she became religious and demanded that I too walk that path. I refused knowing full well that it would kill things between us. For a long time I was heartbroken, but I also knew that had I gone along I would be building a campground for future trouble.
My apologies for the long comment. Anyhoo, I think that some change is ok, but radical change is not a good idea.