Last weekend I ventured out. On Date Night. It was… interesting. An enjoyable dinner. And a strange dénouement. Then I waxed winsomely on the subject of body language and touch, and interpreting non-verbal communication. Not quite one week later, here’s my take: I suck at dating.
How to determine your dating prowess
Care to know if you, too, suck at dating? It’s not rocket science. Here are a few clues:
- Friday nights and Saturday nights you breathe a sigh of relief, put furry slippers on your tootsies, and settle in with your laptop, a DVD, a good Bordeaux, a favorite book, or silence. And it feels wonderful.
- Match.com is still filling your “dating” mailbox addressed to that quirky pseudonym you came up with three years ago, and you hope you actually canceled your subscription.
- The box of Trojans you bought for your teens is long gone. (Party balloons?) The one you bought for yourself is still in “the goodie drawer,” and the date has expired. Incidentally, that particular drawer is now stuffed with bills. And I don’t mean greenbacks.
Proof that you’re losing your touch or your mind
This is a matter of socializing skills erosion, romance radar on the fritz, and sometimes referred to as Weird Date Syndrome.
- You agree to go out even though you feel like crap. After all, it’s a fine French restaurant, you anticipate sparkling conversation, an excellent wine, and culinary delights. Mostly, even after all these years, you still don’t know how to say “no.”
- You actually go on the dinner date, and all body language indicators flash “Danger, Will Robinson,” i.e. absolutely zero interest. From him. Naturally, you therefore assume zero interest. Consequently, you don’t check email for three days, only to find several messages waiting from aforementioned gentleman who says you’re sexy, he enjoyed dinner, and he wants to go out with you again. (It’s nine in the morning, but you’re opening the Pinot Noir.)
- Date Night Guy calls, unexpectedly, and you still can’t figure out how to say “no thank you, don’t wanna.” So you chat about films and France (you both like both), while simultaneously stunned and annoyed, when suddenly, he goes quiet. You say Have I fatigued you? and you’re joking. He says “yes” and he’s not.
- The only logical conclusion is that pod people inhabit your body (a) during phone calls, (b) during email exchanges, or (c) over dinner with Motrin and Côtes du Rhone. Or, perhaps he is the pod person, as 90% of those you’ve dated, at one point or another, reveal themselves to have pod parentage. Except (of course) in France.
Wine, women, and song
Netting things out: six years of on-again-off-again internet dating have racked up a handful of hot-hottie-hot memories (excellent fodder for storytelling), a few foreign friends, and a reminder that I basically have a healthy heart. Furthermore, I have been a good citizen in that I certainly boosted GNP, as I estimate (to my chagrin) some $2,000 spent over that period on various sites.
I ponder the missed opportunities inherent in such a sum. For example, two cases of a saucy, capricious little red wine with peppery undertones, a few bottles of vintage tawny port, and ten days on the Left Bank. To enjoy as I please.
Is this yet another realization that perusing Paris would perk up my failing female pheromones?
I think I suck at dating. Your little check list is way too much like my life! 😉
Ha! Maybe we all suck at dating… and sometimes we just stumble into equal portions of ineptitude that fit.
Men are asses. I should know, I am one. Look at it this way, you got a great meal out of it and a reason to put on your ‘intimates’ for an evening. It is all good!
Too funny, Steve! I think I’d do a better job at “reading” the robot…
If that was a date you “met” on the Internet, I’d just add him to the list of bizarre people you hadn’t met yet.
The problem, of course, is all the effort, physical and emotional, that goes into getting prepared, and then the disappointment when he isn’t “the one” or even “A-one.”
I don’t believe in “the” one. I believe in good and interesting people with whom you might mesh at different points in your life. If you’re very very fortunate, you “mesh” and are also capable of growing in ways that allow you to stay together. As for “this” one, I don’t know what to make of him. But I also know I have other priorities these days, but sheesh… you have to wonder. I didn’t think my radar was that far off… I think I’ll just fill my house with teens tonight, and enjoy their music!
Oh, BLW, I’m sorry the date night wasn’t more promising. At least the food was good? Free dinner at a nice French restaurant… this raises the question of how much we’re willing to invest for a nice dinner. Even if the food is superb, poor company makes the experience unpleasant.
I think I suck at dating, and I’m married. I mean, I’m terrible at dating my husband. All the advice about how important it is to keep the romance alive, to schedule date nights, to go out and do new things together… that isn’t easy. I need to think about how I can do better with this.
I think HE is the pod person. Robot. Robot.
And I agree with Steve–at least the meal was good!
I never was much good at dating either. I always got nervous and ended up talking either too much or too little!
The plot thickens.
How interesting that you – such a sharp observer of self and others – should encounter your precise opposite – a man who clearly doesn’t know exactly who he is or what he wants. Well, if nothing else, your encounters with this pod-person make for interesting writing (or, at least, reading) material!
You made me laugh, Kristen, with your view of me! But I guess I am an observer of others, but also a bit too empathetic. For example, I’m worried about hurting his feelings. I was so worried about hurting his feelings and appropriate manners that even though I felt really lousy last weekend, I still went out with him. And here I am again, not wanting to hurt his feelings, so I’ve made excuses (though legit) about being busy with kids and writing and proposals (all true). But the fact is, he is intelligent and nice enough, but there’s definitely something “off” in the combination. And I am astonished that he doesn’t know that as clearly as I do!
Yes, interesting reading… I suppose. But I’m oh-so-over-it all. For now, anyway. Pass the fuzzy slippers, the red wine… and my ticket to Paris!!
Well your first little checklist about weekend nights clearly describes my life. I give you major kudos for being brave enough to try the internet scene. I may get that brave when my 3rd child leaves for college in 2 years; so far, I’m just a lonely bored chicken.
If there’s no chemistry, then forget it, no?
No chemistry. Absolutely. (And I’m really not about “dating” right now anyway. At all. I just couldn’t get out of it, somehow.)
So – can anyone tell me how to gently say “no” other than “I’m really swamped” and putting him off and putting him off? See? I suck at dating.
I dont think it’s that I suck at dating but that there are so many losers out there and I get sick of wasting my time! I have been divorced for 8 years, had a couple LTR’s during that time and a LOT of dating. I have forever sworn off online dating and instead have found new ways to get out and enjoy myself without ending up feeling like I wasted my time. I’m open to dating but I’m not pursuing it anymore.
BLW, you are just a fantastic read. You don’t suck at dating. Dating just sucks! It would be so much easier if one could just fast forward to the warm, comfortable, stuff. I must admit you are probably more sophisticated and worldly than I am, (never been to France or anywhere in Europe) but I too enjoy a wonderful meal at a romantic restaurant. BUT, how about just meeting for a cup of coffee and a snack. (knowing my background we are always up for a danish or pastry 🙂 )
I would rather be told I am not interested in dating but looking for interesting people to meet, and would love to meet at Starbucks or go for a walk in the park. Pressure causes people to not be themselves and also speak a lot of B.S. Of course the both of you will still be doing a complete assessment of the other, but not as intense.
Ah crap, the hell with all this. Who am I kidding. Dating just sucks. Most just have a better idea of what they want the second time around and not interested in wasting their time with anything less. Go open a bottle a wine, put on your slippers, read a good book, and tell this guy you’re busy but thanks for calling.
Ah Barry – you’re a sweetheart! Actually, I broke my “first date rule.” I don’t believe in dinner as a first date. I like coffee dates, preferably adjoining a book store. No one spends much money, easy-in-easy-out (forgive the expression), and if you enjoy each other, you can wander the aisles and have TONS to talk and laugh about. This gentleman insisted on dinner & a movie (I talked him down from the ledge; a movie on a first date?? After dinner?? Never having met the person??) – it was his birthday, so… I felt I couldn’t decline. Dinner, that is. And it was quite pleasant, but no – you know – indication of pulse. OK. Elevated pulse.
I’m with you on the coffee thing. You know that movie 100 first dates? I’m there. Times three. 95% coffee. (May explain why I’m so short?)
Yeah, dating sucks. But sometimes, not so much. But not even so much as a handshake, a cheek-kiss, a shoulder touch as indication of male responsiveness? And then wanting to go out again? Mmmm. Nope. So tell me – you’re a guy (yeah, I get that much). What’s the best way for a woman to gently say – ummmm – not happening – without hurting his feelings? Or should I just not worry about that?
Option 1 – He knocks on the door you open wearing lingere. You point to yourself and say “See this, not happening”. Then close the door.
Option 2 – He knocks on the door, you open in only a towel, You turn and shout behind you, “Honey, please don’t make the bath water too hot”, turn back and smile at him.
Option 3 – On the phone just tell him you seem like a terrific guy, but I would prefer to just stay as friends.
Bottom line, no way to not hurt his feelings just like it would be difficult if the role was reversed. Dragging it on will hurt even more. Like Nike says, “Just do it”.
Barry’s right. Just tell him – and in the fact that it is dating that sucks, sometimes the life right out of you. Truthfully, you are – or hopefully are about to be – swamped. If you get your gig, you will not have time. Then, there is the college kid coming home and wanting to spend quality “family” time.
Oh yeah, you tweet “Friday night. Plans?,” and after I admit to sucking at dating, I do have Friday night plans. Tons of them! Three openings and happy hour with good friends. Hope I survive!
Yes, you’re right, Nicki. And Barry’s right. (His options 1 and 2 were fabulous. I’m storing them away for future use.)
As for the gig? Still don’t know. But I think I”ll be plenty busy nonetheless. 16-year old is about to turn 17, then there is 17-year old Latvian, and 18-year old returning Prodigal Son, winging his way home (after two all-nighters) for his Spring Break. (I may be hiding in the closet for the next week. I sense the house will be swarming with round-the-clock revelers in the 17 to 20-year old age range.)
Enjoy your Friday night plans!
If I ever have to date again, I may go the way of Plath.
At least Sylvia Plath kept company with some other fine poets at McLean first. And the woman could write a damn fine villanelle. One of my all-time favorites: Mad Girl’s Love Song.
Hopefully, even if you do have to date again, you’ll go for literary outlets, other than No Exit.
BLW, funny situation (in a trajicomedic kind of way). This definitely happened to me back when I was single. Go out on date. Find date definitely unenthusing. Assume he finds it so too. Several days later realize that, to the contrary, date is wild for me. How to extricate?
Rather than do what I always wanted to do, which was to passively avoid all phone calls until they realized the truth (this was before there was text messaging, cells or email, just FYI!) I learned to be a big girl about it. I learned to say, “I like you a lot but, unfortunately, I don’t feel the same way that you do about us going out again.” And I said that even if I didn’t like them a lot because I thought it was a good idea to put some sugar in the let down. Also, I saw the same guys over and over again at Jewish Singles and I didn’t want to confront a room full of men who hated me every time I went to a party as time went on.
And I’m just like you, BLW, in that I’m built to be a homebody. Best dating scenario for me was get past the bs and get to the point of both of us in slippers laying around on a couch.
You know – I’m actually not a homebody. I’m a go out sometimes person, and hang inside person as well. Mostly it’s about being together when you’re with someone, about the person, not what you’re doing. I’m perfectly content to talk for hours in a coffee shop or on the couch or take a long walk or… hop a flight to somewhere. But the reality is, I’m not in “hop a flight” condition or even take a walk or go-out-to-a-movie condition. I’m not really “date-able” just now, or looking to be. Kids. Health. Work. Elizabeth was right. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and trust me – right now, it’s about basics. That said, who isn’t happy to meet someone wonderful? As a friend or more?
And I’m not on any sites these days. Not in the budget, and not on the agenda. But the robot is looking kind of good right now. I’d know what to expect. 🙂 But I will say, Linda – I’m with you 300% on the get past the BS stage. Enough BS in the world already. I like real. Shouldn’t be so difficult, right?
BTW, I’m guessing you left a string of broken hearts in those singles groups…
It doesn’t sound like you suck at dating. You had a nice dinner, and he called to go out again. That’s success. Maybe you are attaching too much expectation to the outcome up front? Try letting go of attachments, and just be. See what happens then.
Oh Wolfie, you are too much:
“I’m with you on the coffee thing. You know that movie 100 first dates? I’m there. Times three. 95% coffee. (May explain why I’m so short?)”
And I agree with Barry’s comments. Don’t drag it on, woman. But do ask yourself if you are genuinely UNinterested in him, or just in dating. Hmm.
I never dated. I have no advice. I just fell into love. Over and over again. And then, well, you know the story—three kids later and still know I’m a lucky, lucky girl.
Genuinely uninterested in him.
Genuinely uninterested in dating.
But I have found in life, that even when uninterested in dating, when someone wonderful (for you) happens into your little world, it’s the best. Everything changes. Which is probably why I went on the date in the first place. Because life à deux is a gift. You are indeed a lucky, lucky girl. And your family is just as lucky to have you.
It’s been so long I’m not exactly sure but I suspect it’s true. Dating is hard work and starting over, yikes! If only there were some way we could step over the initial weirdness and just slide right into the easy part.
I also think that at some point we get tired, realize we’re going to be okay and just get off the treadmill. Sounds like that’s where you are. I know it’s where I am. I think it’s not such a bad place to be!
Good luck!
Initial Weirdness. You said it, Mary! I’m actually a fan of “UnDating.” You know. Hang with someone. Be yourself. Get to know each other. Otherwise, non merci. (Where’s my ticket to France??)
i like the male take on this article………wish more than 2 responded. does that mean we suck at dating more than they do? i also don’t want to date younger guys so not only do i suck at dating i’m also a big chicken and can’t step out of a very small comfort zone. good one!
Ha! Pia! Maybe we just think we suck at dating more than men… Glad you enjoyed!
Online dating is as random as any other type of dating, with the exception that we may have less realistic expectations. Which the sites love to spark. But you deal with the problems with grace and wit, as usual.
Date that never was…A month ago I introduced myself to a guy. Bold step for me.
So we exchanged phone numbers and received a text from him to meet him on a late afternoon for coffee. Texted back saying I couldn’t make it for that time and asked if we could meet earlier after lunch. He said he was busy. So, he texted back perhaps another day. The next day I texted and explained I was running errands. I don’t believe I ever hesitated to go out with someone that I actually liked. To this day I still regret for not making the time for him. I apologized, texted him and confronted him; and when I did get an explanation he said he was busy at work and going through some issues. Oh! he never did ask me out again. So, I guess he was upset with me for turning him down. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned from all this. That to be more spontaneous and not think so much with your head but with your heart. Or like they say everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it was never meant to be. So, why do I still think about this guy. Maybe it’s the guilt and remorse for not giving it a chance. Ciao! Vanna
Vanna, Thanks so much for stopping by and reading, and sharing your story.
Personally, I don’t think you have a thing to feel guilty about. The problem with the spontaneous “let’s get together” is that one of the parties may not be able to. The other person never knows if it’s legit, or an excuse. Having done the dating rounds for years (like millions of us?), I found that setting a specific time and date was the best way to handle things. I liked the “coffee date” because it’s casual, you can hang around longer if you like each other or cut out quickly if you don’t – and no one is investing big bucks in the process, either.
If anything, I think you should congratulate yourself for making the first move. That’s guts. I say – don’t hesitate to do it again.
We don’t try? We don’t get.
Thanks for the advice, Big Little Wolf. But I still feel guilty for giving such a lame excuse to him; should have said I came down with the flu. I think it was me contemplating the fact that he wasn’t willing to compromise to an earlier time or at a later date. Makes me wonder why he specifically wanted to see me on that particular time and day. Maybe I was on his list of other women he was meeting that day. Ciao! Vanna.
Yikes, dating. I am in the process of getting a divorce, after 25+ years of marriage. I’m 50, overweight and I know I have no chance in he!! of actually attracting a man. And frankly, I have no interest. I haven’t had a date since 1982. Yet I feel sure that sometime in the future I would love to have that companionship, lust, and all of what it takes to having an amazing marriage.
But I sure don’t see how I’m going to get there.
Hi Christine, and welcome.
If you’re in the process of getting a divorce, give yourself time to adjust and catch your breath. After 25 years of marriage, life will no doubt be quite different! As for dating, I couldn’t even imagine it during divorce or even for the first year or two after. Your “there” from your “here?” (I wouldn’t worry about it too much.)
Please do stop back and let us know how you’re doing…