Makeup monstrosities? Oh yeah. I’m talking collagen and cosmetics. Lipstick overdose. Botox buried in blush. Excess is the word du jour.
Tartini excess at the beauty bar?
Nothing makes a woman look older than too much makeup. But we all know it, right?
Nothing makes a Real Housewife of Orange County look trashier and older than too much makeup. Yes. The obvious. But very annoying when you finally drop off in the wee hours, hoping to stroll Tahitian beaches (or at least Miami) in the scrawny shreds of REM sleep, and instead, you wake to violent visions of pancake foundation meets Girls Gone Wild, three-pound lashes, and arguing face-lifted mamas duking it out with their surly girly teens. So much for a good night’s sleep.
No Real Housewives before sleeping
Clearly, I need to turn OFF the television earlier, and institute a “No Housewives before Sleep Attempt” rule. When they pervade my dreams (and no, this isn’t the first time), is it any wonder I don’t sleep for long??
While I will cop to having had my share of exasperating encounters with aggravating adolescents, they don’t come close to the scenes between Housewife Lynne and her 17-year old (troubled or typical?) teen, Alexa.
But now I’m dreaming their arguments in my turbulent tossing and turning, and each of them slathered in near gory amounts of overpriced eyeliner and mega-layered lip gloss. Perhaps this dream slides alarmingly close to nightmare? And the worst nightmare – the fact that teenage daughters both compete with and emulate their mothers?
And in land of material rules instead of House Rules? Where if the fake lashes get any longer or thicker, and the inflated mouths any puffier or slicker, we have no doubt why hours of “hair maintenance, face maintenance, nail maintenance, and body maintenance” take priority over conversation with children and cracking (I do mean cracking) a real smile?
Cosmetic surgery
I’ve been hit over the head repeatedly this week (though still conscious) with cosmetic surgery overload and our society’s odd view of what is ideal in a woman. Is it beauty Hollywood style or the Beast, instead?
As a femme d’un certain âge (a women gracefully admitting to forty plus), I won’t say that I don’t miss the dewy skin of my lustrous youth. But the stretched and distorted reconstructions thanks to plastic surgery and assorted procedures do become the stuff of nightmare when taken to extreme, and undertaken too young. And then compounded with makeup overkill on what may be a lovely face?
Yes, I wonder about the women beneath the mask, about our need to wear so many masks. And the metaphor for our national preoccupation with the inauthentic, at the very least.
Real Gretchen? UnReal Alexis?
Gretchen is apparently 31 (?) and whatever else you may say about her, she’s certainly energetic and entertaining! But working on a makeup line? How about an unmakeup line to look younger? 
As for (32-year old) Alexis, the newest specimen of image-obsession and odd priorities, her first-thing-in-the-morning face was as bizarre to me as her behavior at a Tupperware party. (Yep, Tupperware with drama. Vive la Reality TV!)
So are these makeup excesses only the stuff of my nightmares? Women, is this really what you want for yourselves or your daughters?
Men – is this what you seek in a woman??
Beauty
Makeup as a women’s issue? Excess makeup (beyond the teen years) as cause for pause? I think so! Just a matter of personal choice, or laughable, or something more? Still the Barbie Doll standards for women? Still our body-image and need-to-please insecurities?
Care to nip, tuck, lipo, laser, lift or undertake any other procedure you can eke out (dare I say eek out) of a bank account? Have at it! But must you then paint so much powder, line, color and other cakey crap onto your face that you’re virtually unrecognizable?
Perhaps that’s the point. We’d never know a Real Housewife at Walmart. . . or in the Whole Foods aisle. Not that I’m likely to encounter any (West Coast) women in my harried mornings; I’m an East Coast girl, and not without an eye for the pleasure of Christian Dior, Laura Mercier, or the appeal of a gently enhanced je ne sais quoi.
Personally, I’d love to watch all these women undergo a makeover à la Heartland of America, and I’m guessing that Tamra under that clean-the-garage cap (sans makeup?) looked lovelier than we’ve ever seen her.
Even better than a Midwestern makeup makeover? How about a touch of Parisian style? The art of subtle enhancement. Less stuff. More stunning. A face that lights up (and we can see it!) when you share a joyful moment, laugh lines around laughing eyes. And yes, consternation if they wake after nightmares of overdoses of over-the-counter (even the Saks counter) makeup. And oh, yes. Teenage tantrums.
Natural beauty?
The thing is – I suspect all the OC Housewives would be more beautiful, their lives lightened, and we would still watch if they wiped a bit of the (fake) smile off their lips and let us peek at a bit more of the real reality of their over-the-top unreal lives.
Yes, I’m stubbornly holding out for those makeup makeovers. (Elle or Oprah – won’t you step in??) While we may have started watching for their outrageous and sumptuous lifestyles, and editing captures anything but their finest selves, we’ve been treated to a glimpse of good hearts in each. But the theatrical makeup? It ages them and seals the stereotypes. It speaks volumes of our society. An archaeological excavation would be required to unearth a comely grin, or a sympathetic parental furrowed brow.
And no, that’s not a dig, because I sense that beneath all the artificiality, the real in each of these Real Housewives reflects visible beauty. And I’d like to see that shine, and hearten all of us as we go through our hard times, as they struggle through theirs. With a little less makeup mess and makeup mask, and beauty we could recognize.
Images courtesy Bravo TV.
© D. A. Wolf
BLW –
To me, Gretchen’s makeup makes her look 41, not 31. It’s ridiculous. I wholeheartedly agree that less is more. (
Sincerely,
The 32 year-old who forgot to wear makeup to work yesterday
Love it, Queen of Quirky! And your delightful blog! (Everyone – meet the Queen!) And I couldn’t agree more about Gretchen. Bet she’s a cutie with straight hair, a little mascara, and nothing more. (Says the femme d’un certain age who hasn’t even glanced in a mirror other than the rear-view (car!) as yet today.)
My sister-in-law occasionally e-mails me with the name and photo of a celebrity she would like to nominate for a “make-under.” Perhaps we should put these “real” housewives on the list?
A make-under. Perfect.
I cannot imagine going out of the house with that much makeup on. My current picture here has some makeup on but not much – my g/f who took it told me in advance she was going to use me as a model. I normally put on little more than lip gloss and moisturizer, containing sunscreen of course.
Make-under is perfect!!!
I love make-up! Love being a girl. But I switch around and go hog wild punk or make up free day to day so people don’t ask me “Aren’t you feeling well?” just because I am out without make-up on.
Its all just too much.
I love the make-under!
First I have to admit that I have never watched OC Housewives. However, I watch celebrities chasing their youth with tons of plastic surgery. It is sickening, sometimes they just look contorted and gross. Why can’t they just embrace their age? (I realize this is coming from the blog with the AARP rant today, but that was in jest, as I seriously haven’t considered facelifts, botox, etc…) I do like make up…it sure helps me, but I don’t hide under layers of it.
I have to ask – how do you watch these shows!? The only reality TV I like is Survivor, and that’s just a game.
Ah, DM. I am awake very early, and my teen-kid is a relatively quiet-teen-kid. 12 hours into silence, I need voices. I put the TV on in the background, and do other things while it is on. Multitasking. I do genuinely like the more creative reality TV shows – Top Chef and related, for example.
A few flaws? Flashes of realness? Much more attractive and alluring than all of the plastic pouts and ploys for perfection in my opinion. Great post.
Here is what I ponder, aside from the fact that none of these women look anything like any “real” woman I’ve met…where the hell do they find the time it takes to put all that makeup on?
If they are dolled up in such a way in their daily lives they are using up a lot of time and energy. And although I enjoy looking nice, I’ve better things to do than focus the amount of time needed to get that much makeup on.
As for the problem teen, it takes a mom with balls to deal with it and Lynne needs to grow a set. Instead of breaking out into the ugly cry and worrying about how others view her as a mother she needs to get real and get to mothering.
I do think that those shows hold up a distorted lens to our culture in that they go for extremes — and people can gape at them. But I admit that I don’t want them, either. You have good judgment, BLW and you can apply that to these shows.
But a lot of folks do not.
If I thought that was all our society was about, I’d become a nun. With children. Who likes guys. Aw, wouldn’t work. Anyway…
I’m more concerned about the messages our kids get. What of my daughter and other people’s daughters? What of our sons?
We need to show them what’s real and lovely…and what is not.
Cathy and Elizabeth – I also wonder about the time it takes to address all these “maintenance” issues, and the absurdity of it. And yes, these women are part of an entertainment franchise marketed under the guise of reality. Still, there are plenty of women around like this. I’ve met my share.
I, too, worry about our daughters, and our sons not because they would ever be caught watching these shows, but because media influences seep in everywhere, and because the girls they are friends with absorb these influences as well.
So – it’s balls for Lynne, and a nunnery with men for the rest of us? (And my lower gravity planet??)
I’ve never seen that show but if those pictures are any indication, they are spackling on that makeup, not applying it!
Another lol post, sadly. I’d like a little filler I think. I know a woman. . .
I mean she’s a doctor obviously and, and, we’ll see. I don’t frown the normal way apparently because I don’t have that crease thing between my eyes, it’s those naso-labials that I hate.
Speaking of the doctor, I know some of the “people” she does in LA and they are among the: “omg she looks fabulous for her age,” category.
Oh yes, the other day when I mentioned the Sweaty family that made the Christmas candy? I forgot to mention the “w” is to be pronounced like a “v” — that changes everything, non? (Actually it’s funnier.)
xo,
Tish
OHMYGOD Tish! Que tu me fais rire !! Svetty indeed! (So you know a doctor who knows a doctor who knows a woman who makes other women look “Mah-velous?”). Sadly LOL, yes. And your response, even more entertaining.
In an Aging class I took, we discussed how “old” is viewed in society. What do we say to women when they look younger than their age? Oh, wow, she sure has aged well!
For men? He looks very distinguished.
Quite frankly, movies have given us this idea that aging is something we should avoid. We need botox and tucks and nips to rid us of those horrid wrinkles. We need to embrace youth.
Why should we embrace youth? What does that mean? It means that our society seems to value beauty over wisdom. For me, I would much rather be wise than overtly beautiful. Sure, it is nice to have a pleasant look, but even the “hottest” chicks can be ugly if they act uneducated or catty. This cliche is sounding better and better–“beauty is only skin deep.”
I would not call myself beautiful. (My husband would.) Even at my young age I have lines around my eyes. These lines, though, are smile lines. I am proud of them. They tell me that I have allowed joy to infuse my soul, that I am not afraid to laugh.
I want my sons to know that women like these “real housewives” are not real. They are fake. Their beauty is fake. Sure, they might be pretty but they have allowed makeup to drown their real selves.
I don’t want my daughters to see these women as role models. I want them to idolize real women, women who have made a difference. (The only name that comes to my mind right now is Hillary Clinton. I am not sure why, I don’t really like her, but she really has sought to make a difference. That is something I appreciate.)
I just keep thinking of Gloria Swanson at the end of “Sunset Boulevard,” ready for her close-up… and even though she’s a macabre figure, I love when William Holden, recognizing her has a faded star from the silent era, says, “You used to be big,” and she replies, “I am big, it’s the pictures that got small.”
Little could she have imagined just how small they would get.
Gosh, you and I are frothing at the mouth about the same things today, BLW! Although I will defer to your absolute annihilation of the OC Housewives! Funny.
I’m such a dullard that I’ve pretty much done the same makeup routine since I was in my twenties, and I always wear it, but nothing heavy. Alas, my Grand Canyon-sized pores show right through. Maybe that’s what they’re hiding? Enormous pores and acne scars? Because that’s the only reason I can see to wearing that much makeup.
And I don’t get this thing about training the daughters to primp with “manis and pedis.” It just seems so Marie Antoinette to me.
I have yet to see an episode of the housewives.. maybe because of stereotypes. I have rarely worn makeup in my lifetime and only a bit when I have. I have been mistaken for my teen daughters on many an occasion, by boys their own age.
Natural beauty is so much more beautiful. Please let me look like Meryl Streep, Sally Field or Diane Keaton when I am in my sixties.. not Zsa Zsa Gabor or Joan Rivers.
wonderful post
After the first season, I believe Oprah did a sort of make-under with the OC wives. I remember Vicky saying she liked it but would never wear it – which I still don’t get.
Found it!
http://www.oprah.com/style/The-Real-Housewives-of-Orange-County-Get-NYC-Makeovers
http://www.oprah.com/style/Real-Housewives-Get-a-New-Look