He was a rather rumpled gentleman, 40-something, about 50 pounds overweight. The type to be overlooked by women glancing across the room. He wore an easy grin, let loose a contagious belly laugh, and the fact is – he reminded be a bit of Oliver Hardy.
Yes, as in Laurel and Hardy.
He was also smart and funny as hell. He could chat on any subject, was upbeat by nature, and found fascination in everything – all of which carried over to the bedroom, where laughter, curiosity, and playfulness were the hallmarks of his sexual style.
Chemistry?
Shhhhh… Don’t tell, but we had it in spades. He was a remarkable and inventive lover, and we dated for a couple of months.
Sexy men, Jon Hamm, sexy-in-process
Some men are just sexy. Melt-my-loins, knock-me-in-the-gut, pass-me-a-fan hot-hottie-hot. Take, for example, Jon Hamm.
Yes, I am speaking of our talented and complex protagonist on AMC TV’s Mad Men. While I don’t generally go for classically handsome, Jon Hamm fits the bill. But I can actually say I find him sexy in spite of his classic looks. It’s in the eyes, the carriage, the voice, and the enormous talent in playing that role. And yes, I get it – it’s in the script! But the man is hot, in or out of character, and in or out of the crisp white shirt and skinny tie. 
There are plenty of celebrities who don’t wield typical criteria for “hotness.” But watch them perform and you’re hooked. Sex appeal has much to do with humor, competence and passion in professional and creative pursuits. And let’s face it – smart is sexy.
But what about sexy-in-process? What about my Hardy look-alike who was wildly fun in bed? Is a fabulous encounter as simple as looking beyond the superficial, and taking the time to get to know each other?
Sometimes sexy-in-process blossoms before your eyes – and often with the proverbial “nice guy.” Shouldn’t we be giving these men a shot, beyond first impressions? What have we got to lose?
Sexy women, Brigitte Bardot, sexy-in-process
Do women suffer from the same challenges and possibilities, the sense of being invisible in the crowd if there is no lust at first sight? Of course. Our culture fosters equal opportunity ignorance and impatience.
Some women are drop-dead gorgeous, and sizzling hot. Although a matter of taste, among contemporary celebrities I’d put Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz in that category.
Part of their magic? Not only beauty, but tremendous talent, and an aura of sensuality that is irresistible.
And then there are the classics. The originals. The women I grew up wanting to emulate. It should come as no surprise that Brigitte Bardot was among them – for me, the epitome of sex kitten. What’s not to love about beautiful eyes, tousled tresses, and the perfect pout?
But it’s more – a combination of sultry sexuality, childlike vulnerability, and a dash of je ne sais quoi Parisian-style.
As for women who are not conventionally beautiful, but have the sexy-in-process factor going for them? The studious ones, the quirky ones, the girl next door whose innocent face masks desire? How many good women are being dismissed, because they don’t appear packaged in the latest market-ready format?
New year, new you, new-you-in-process
Whether we make resolutions or not, those of us who aren’t in relationships would like to be, though we may not admit it. And we think about it frequently during the holidays, and at the beginning of a new year.
Am I about to say that I’ve resolved to practice my pout, dye and tease my hair, then restyle my ample assets à la Brigitte Bardot? Uh – non, non, et non.
But what I will suggest for the new year is this: what if the “new you” or the “new me” had to do with keeping an open mind when we meet someone? What if the new-you-in-process took your time, and possibly discovered a gem beneath a wrinkled shirt, an imperfect smile, a shy demeanor, or a non-Hamm, non-Hayek or non-Bardot physique?
I know that devilish delights may lurk where you least expect. Take the time to read a person’s energy, to hear their voice, their stories, and their capacity for welcoming yours. And don’t judge the book you’ll discover in the bedroom, by the jacket cover you’ll be anxious to leave at the door.
What a great post to enjoy over my morning coffee. The first paragraph reminded me of the early days of Charlotte’s relationship with Harry on Sex and the City, but somehow I don’t peg you as a Charlotte…
I suspect that you and I have the same taste in men. Almost all of the men that I have fallen for – including Husband, bien sur – have the smart thing going for them in spades. My current celebrity obsessions? Hugh Laurie and Stephen Colbert. Traditionally sexy? Not so much. But smart-sexy and sexy-in-process for sure.
This made me laugh… no, not like Charlotte. My hair is dark and I’m hot for art. I’d say that covers it.
You WOULD have to put a picture of Salma Hayek there–the woman that my Hubby considers “The ultimate in gorgeous”!!!! And of course, I cannot disagree with him at all.
And mmmmmmmmm… Jon Hamm. Scrumptious.
Sex apeal or to use your creative term, ‘hot hottie hot,’ is usually quickly classified by only one or two traits when pressed for a label. But as you elude, I am in full agreement that it is interaction and play of several traits that raises the hotness bar. This complexity is difficult to assess unless there there are those moments that slowly unpeel and reveal. But there in lies the fun!
Ok, you just hit my buttons, namely Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek. There are three actresses who always get my heart racing. Those are two of them. The other is Natalie Portman. You’re right, there are women who are sexier, but none that have the combination of talent and beauty. It’s that combination that makes competition with other women so unfair.
There was a woman who I worked with 10 years ago who was 15 years older than me who I started to develop a thing for. I could never explain why either. She was attractive but not obviously, and she was smart but not exceptionally. There was just a chemistry there that I can’t explain. I never told my wife about it, and nothing was ever going to happen. But, I think about it frequently. I still can’t figure out exactly what it was. There is a certain mystery about attraction that is intriguing.
Just for you (and all the other Cruz fans): a gorgeous Penelope Cruz photo gallery, at AskMen.com.
Beautiful! Of course we all try to look our best.. but in the end it is who we are that attracts or detracts.
The holidays are a lonely time for singles and although we are around more choices, it seems we are that much more particular.
I dated a man who was similar to your ‘Hardy’ my friends never said anything but I could tell they were thinking.. what is she doing? But some of my best times were with him.
We seem to judge by the cover and expect those who look our way to see beyond our own cover, way too much.
thanks for the thought provoking post.
What a perfect and savory reentry to your wonderful words… I love the idea of sexy-in-process juxtaposed to the more classic sexy. For better or worse, I have always been a fan, a BIG fan, of classic good looks. I admit that makes me very predictable and boring. But it is what it is. I actually have a bit of a theory about this quintessential-good-looks-people v. non-quintessential-good-looks people. Thanks for sparking the idea for a new post in me.
So great to be back in this brand new year and decade reading your ideas. I missed my visits here and am thrilled to be back. Happy New Year!
For me, sexy is an attitude. One of my first girlfriends post-divorce was the sexiest woman I ever dated, but she wasn’t most beautiful. She didn’t even have the body type that normally turned my head. But she had charisma and sex appeal and beautiful eyes and just flat out knew how to carry it.
Happy New Year, btw!!