You could see her coming – that wild mane of red hair. And that face! Sparkling blue eyes, the hundred-watt smile, and the fiery and flirtatious personality to match.
Yet this lovely woman was unlucky in love, with issues that went beyond the occasional poor choice of partner. Her self-esteem took a plunge after a short-lived marriage in her early twenties. The experience exacerbated the fact that she was never able to see herself clearly, despite being the total package – looks, smarts, outgoing personality, and a heart of gold.
What did she want more than anything? To love and be loved. But she felt unworthy. And her behaviors were classically self-sabotaging.
Patterns
Many of us suffer from low self-esteem at certain points, but we tend to outgrow it, or events assist us in seeing our own value more clearly.
When I knew this woman (in her 20s and 30s), I envied her social life and in particular, her sex life. Both were very active, adventurous, and passionate. The men she dated were fascinating; they varied in age and looks, but they had one thing in common: they were wrong for her, and all her friends could see it.
Why? She wanted a committed relationship – marriage and children – and that was definitely not on the agenda for these gents. Meanwhile, she plunged into sexual liaisons almost immediately, sending a message of I-want-to-play-not-stay, when what she actually desired was quite different.
Passions
With each new lover, she’d relate a story of attraction too overpowering to wait. Intense lovemaking, tender gestures – these convinced her that “he” felt as she did – the palpitating pleasure of falling in love.
Sometimes it took a weekend. Other times, ten days. But for her, it was love. These sexy, heart-pounding flash fires flared up, then burned out as quickly as they ignited – lasting a few weeks at most.
Then she’d plummet into heartbreak, until the next “relationship” came along – a pattern she repeated about a half dozen times a year for more than a decade.
Was she hooked on the hot sex? Or the fantasy future she spun from so little? How many times would she crash and burn before she learned?
Eventually, the roller coaster ride for this love-junky slowed. She met someone, she took her time, and she remarried at 40. She is still married 10 years later.
In love with love
Was she in love with love? Why did she need to convince herself that each encounter meant the prospect of permanence?
She’s not alone in these tendencies, able to envision love blossoming where there’s passion, but not the stuff of his-and-hers towels.
I sometimes envy the illusions that come so easily to those who dip in and out of folly, flirtations, and feather beds, convinced they’re in love. But I am also grateful I am capable of separating caring from loving, loving from passion, passion from comfort, comfort from sexual appetite.
I’m curious –
- Can you distinguish thrilling sexscapades from love?
- What does the pattern of your relationships show?
- Do you require certain emotions to be sexually intimate?
- Is it your nature, or learned behavior?
- Do you need to be in love, to have a lover, or to be part of a couple in order to feel good about yourself?
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I said it in your last post – sex is just different for men and women (as a generality). For women it almost always “means something” while for men, they can roll over and go to sleep, get up to eat something, or turn on the tv without a second thought afterward.
Knowing these differences and how you approach love and sex is essential to making the right choice.
I think your friend was a bit like a guy in that she enjoyed that “high” from the initial attraction and curiosity that follows.
I also think YOU have sex on the brain…lol.
Seems to me she was “hoping” hot sex meant the relationship was real. It was an illusion. What she wanted was “hot lovemaking” . There is a difference.
I agree with Bruce, sex is different for men and women. But, if you are in love, the intensity is not superficial, it burns much deeper and lasts much longer.
Maybe the man does want to flip on ESPN or the TV, but he is in love and passes and enjoys just spooning afterward. If it is right, you feel like you could squeeze and absorb. If it is just hot sex, you are looking for the remote. ( Not that there is anything wrong with that
) lot’s of heat and fun, but not necessarily a relationship.
For this woman and so many others, it is definitely a pattern that needs to consciously be broken. One really needs to be more open to find true love. If you keep picking the same sort of guy and he doesn’t work for you, it’s time to expand your definition of what your ‘type’ is.
Thank you for your email. I will absolutely check out your French blog… Although I’m not sure if I’ll be able to comment. I speak French pretty well but my grammar can be atrocious! xo
Bruce & Barry, I think you guys are wrong (no offense)
I think sex may be different for men and women, but i believe it is more individual, and by your reckoning some men have a feel for sex the way you describe it for women and vice-versa. Dont fall so easily into men do this and women do that it is an easy way to mis-judge the way someone feels or intends.
No offense taken Jason. I happen to agree with you and also what BLW commented.
I was just commenting on the woman in question in the post.
If in 2009 men don’t leave the stereotypes at the door ( bedroom or otherwise), they may surprised when SHE grabs the remote control
Bruce, I think the one way that sex is truly different for men and women is the consequences. A woman can end up pregnant, even in these advanced times it is not the case for a man.
“I sometimes envy the illusions that come so easily to those who dip in and out of folly, flirtations, and feather beds, convinced they’re in love. But I am also grateful I am capable of separating caring from loving, loving from passion, passion from comfort, comfort from sexual appetite.”
Yes, be grateful you have the ability to separate. Illusions are overrated. Why do your posts invariably make me blush?
Thrilling sexcapades have nothing to do with love! I’m all for both. And if they both happen at the same time, even better. But they aren’t the same.
For some people, sex defines the relationship. If their is fire, then the relationship will succeed. But in reality that is far from the truth.
I met someone who believed that passion meant love. and the moment the passion died for her, she was no longer in love. It was sad really. She never allowed herself to be truly herself in front of him. She was telling him that she loved him after the first week. But that was only because there was sparks and fire. But when he wanted it to become deeper she didn’t know how to make that happen. She only knew how to always expect the passion. She couldn’t hold a deeper conversation.
It took less than a month for this guy to realize that it wasn’t going to get any deeper than the passion, and left.
We will be in for a shock, if we can’t separate those things Aidan mentions. That was a killer quote Aidan mentions.