Even that first phone call was thrilling. This was one Internet date I knew I was going to enjoy!
And it turned out we knew each other, too – by reputation. We had friends in common, and traveled in adjacent professional circles. How cool was that!
Our first encounter sparkled. Time flew over mid-morning coffee that turned into a lazy Saturday brunch. Three hours later we still couldn’t stop laughing and talking, so we strolled to a nearby bookstore. There, we wandered the aisles, chatted about our favorite books, and told each other stories.
What’s this? Five o’clock? Might as well have a cocktail, so we headed to a café, where drinks turned into dinner, and eventually, a steamy goodnight kiss at the end of a 12-hour date that astonished both of us.
Fab date 1, more to come!
The following weekend, we had another spectacular time – romance, fun, and a lingering embrace that made the earlier lip lock look like kindergarten fare.
We set a tentative Date 3, confirmed the next day with a spicy email, to which I responded with equal enthusiasm. And then… nothing. The days slogged along. Still nothing. On the fifth day, a little note – “So sorry. Completely tied up at work. We’ll try for next week, okay?”
My response: “No problem. Looking forward to it.”
Yeah, yeah. You know what’s next, right?
Waiting by the phone (or keyboard)
The following week came and went, and I felt 17 again. And just as miffed!
No email, no call, no nothing.
No manners!
Did I imagine those two magical dates and the simmering chemistry that was… um, demonstrable? He wasn’t dead, and he wasn’t out of town. I ran into someone who had seen him at a professional function.
Disappearance, thy name is 21st century dating
Fab date 1, fab date 2, NO date 3?
Huh?
- Was he “just not that into me?”
- How do you go from hot to not, in just 24 hours??
- Was he seeing other people, and switched me out in a flash?
- Did it have to do with the fact that we did move in similar circles?
So why the pretense? Why not “man up” and appropriately bow out – if that’s what you really want?
My own disappearing act
I’ve pulled a disappearing act or two myself since the Brave New World of Post-Divorce Dating. Usually when I was swamped with kid duties and deadlines, and simply got side-tracked. But pulling a Houdini isn’t my usual style. And this one baffles me.
Not only was I up for Third Date Goodies, but so was he… at least, there was, well… every indication.
I genuinely liked this guy and thought it was mutual. Que pasa? And has this happened to you?
Happened twice. One guy, third date, he was going out of town and would call when he returned.
Never heard from him. It didn’t sit well with me at all. About six weeks later I visited a forum he used to post on and found out he had passed away.
Nothing I could do after than news but forgive him.
The second guy lived out of town. He came in twice for a visit. I took one hell of a shining to that guy. Talk about wanting the “goodies.”
When he left after the second visit he had tears in his eyes. This guy was good at the game. He was afraid he would “never see me again,” he said. Little did I know that was his plan!
I emailed and told him how much I enjoyed his visit. No response. A few days later I emailed and told him I hope he made it home OK.
I’d had one guy die on me, was a bit worried history might repeat itself. I can only assume he is alive and well because he never responded to either email.
Good thing for me I tend to move on pretty quick.
Yep, unfortunately this happened to me as well. After two marvelous dates, date number 3 just didn’t come through.
In my case it had more to do with the fact that he was in love with a woman that ran a million rand company and she treated him like dirt because he really wanted her back. His ex also treated him like dirt so I guess he doesn’t like to be treated like a decent respectable person. Nonetheless, I never heard from him……………until I start running my million rand empire……Hello??!!! 🙂
Ouch.
I’d have to say that here, if we follow the rules of the book He’s Just Not That Into You, that yeah, he’s just not that into you. Which totally sucks when you are into him!
So for now, I’d say follow the rules of the book, as he did. If he calls or emails, do the “Hey Buddy. It’s been two freaking weeks. You’re joking right?” and walk away.
Cuz if he’s leaving you hanging THIS early? Yeah that doesn’t speak well for him.
Yeah, that happened to me once, too. It bothered me for a while (bad for the ego), but then I just thought, guess we weren’t right for each other after all. And I was glad it was over so soon so I didn’t waste TOO much of my life obsessing over it.
Ouch! Some people – men and women – are simply into the chase. They’ve got a missing gene for commitment. They’re great for just the experiences you described leaving the other “genetically endowed for commitment” individual pondering what went wrong.
Bottom line: It’s him not you. And this is not strictly an Internet dating phenomenon. This is unfortunately a relationship (or not) happening that is likely as old as human relationships themselves.
So sorry it happened to you! You deserve so much better (and you’ll find it!)
I find the whole online dating thing baffling. It’s just too easy to simply disappear. Men seem to date many women at once and even when things seem to be going well, someone else can come along and they aren’t brave enough to be up front about it because it was “just an online thing” or because you have only dated a few times.
I am sorry, because it feels awful. The good news is that feeling doesn’t last long. The pain is in direct proportion to the amount of actual time you spent together…
Hang in there.
i read a tweet (i cant believe i am quoting something from twitter) but it was basically: ‘when did no response become the new no’ –
Internet dating is one of many factors in why i think this is true.
I would have thought that men have this happen more than women, but i am a man so i might be a bit biased on my side.
Whoa.
I’ve never had this happen to me and I’d sure as hell never do that to someone.
That’s spineless as all hell, isn’t it?
You want me to clobber him for you?
And isn’t clobber such a great word?
And I’m curious why you think I’m “very euro” and “a tad 60’s” – because your observations are interesting.
And seriously, you want I should clobber him?
-R.
It happens to men too. This happened to me three times, long before online dating. The first time a woman and I had a fabulous time on the first date. Ditto the second date. There was no third–she never answered the phone again, I just got her machine. It was the same with the second woman. Both times I got the word that the woman had another man in her life. It made me angry for weeks and weeks and then I got over it.
The third time, I went out with a woman for a couple of months. We were sleeping together but she’d just left a relationship. (The guy showed up at her door one night when I was there. She didn’t let him in.) A couple of weeks later she called and said she was going back to him.
She said, “I’m sorry.”
I said, “Not as sorry as I am.”
It took a lot of courage on her part.
Wolf, I agree completely that the disappearing act is not limited to the males of the species. My dating history includes a few such experiences of nothing after the second (or later, pre-sex) dates. What I mean by that it could be the 2nd, 3rd, or nth date when these magical women “disappear.” No smoke no mirrors, just gone — she doesn’t reply to text messages or emails, and her voice mail is either always answering or filled to capacity.
I wish I could say it was me and something I did. Yet what I was doing was being humorous, gentlemanly, attentive, available, creative, and conversant. I made myself hidden online to demonstrate my singular focus.
Typically, I made the plans (though was open to her ideas and recommendations); paid for the meals, tickets, and such; thanked her after each date. If I were rude, crass, evasive, distracted, seeing multiple women, then I could accept her disinterest.
Additionally, I would be more accepting if it were limited to women I met online. Yet, the same held true for women I met through non-electronic means.
When I obtained closure, which was seldom, the responses were: “I decided to go back to my ex” (the one she told me was so abusive to her), “I decided you are too short” (wow, really!??!), “You are too nice.”
Give up? No. Rather, I am increasingly prepared which means I give a good deal less, pay for less, and let her reach out to me more often.
Wow, Edison. Let me apologize for my gender. Sounds like you’ve encountered many who have little appreciation for a simple concept: manners.
Sounds like inconsiderate wimps to me. Never experienced anything quite like this personally. I would probably hound them for an answer or give a lecture on manners. You need to be kind but clear that things aren’t working out or that things have changed for some reason. But always, you need to be open and honest about this (NOT critical), at least to the extent that the other person would like to know or be helped knowing (some don’t want to know any details). Just disappearing…spineless cowards.
It’s far more common than you realize Paul. And I suspect, for both men and women. Read what Wolf has to say in his comment. (I think online dating helps this along.)
Well, I’ve been out of it for nearly a decade, so I probably don’t know what’s happening. But that doesn’t change my view of it. Met Fran online, but I had only started online dating slightly before that.