Do you consider yourself a confident driver, but not reckless? Skilled at night, and smart in treacherous weather conditions? Yet you squirm when you’re not behind the wheel, right? Good driver, bad passenger.
So what does that say about you? About your leadership style?
Need to lead?
Are your driving habits one more sign of how you conduct other areas of your life? Your leadership style, perhaps a preference for control, or something more complex?
I know what I do well (yes, I’m an excellent driver), and I also know when to say “enough” and look for a hand. The same is true in getting from Point A to Point B. That means if I need to turn over the wheel, I’m willing to do so. Professionally that translates to both comfort taking charge, and participating on a team. It’s logical; I’m experienced in both roles, and not bound to a preference.
Now tell me – do you believe that statement?
Nature, nurture, gender, or generation?
Let me be precise: I’m not bound to a preference, as long as what needs to get done is done, and well. (No small qualification.)
So what do you think – does that make me easy to work with, or difficult? Easy to live with, or not so much? Am I a good passenger, going with the flow, even with high standards for anything I undertake? I admit to being a stickler for quality, and that’s been the hallmark of my personal life, my writing life, my corporate life, and my parenting life. Not perfection, but the highest quality possible, given the context.
- If I’m along for the ride, I perform tasks to the best of my ability, as a team player.
- When I take on an official leadership role, I step up, and surround myself with the best possible resources.
- I am comfortable in some leadership roles, and less so in others based on situation and experience.
- If it’s unofficial leadership, I cultivate the confidence of those around me, and if possible, consensus. And yes, I am attentive to feelings.
Alright. I’ll fess up. I am demanding when it comes to what I deem important. Able to let other things go? The laundry, the dishes, almost anything domestic – no problem. Still, I think about my driving style, and my approach to work, especially when taking the lead is required in an organization. And I wonder. Is my desire for a smooth group dynamic generational, a matter of personality, or influenced by gender?
Do men and women own their leadership differently? Do we acquire it differently – men assuming it, and women easing into it?
My way or the highway: control
What about you? Are you all about taking the wheel? Are you convinced you’re better off if you’re in charge?
In a relationship, there is generally a more dominant partner, along with division of labor that depends on a large dose of practicality. Temperament, personality, skills, scheduling, and cultural expectations all play a part.
Are struggles for control a factor in your relationships? Fodder for recurring discord? Are you a good driver but a bad passenger, refusing to relinquish the wheel when it might make for a smoother journey? Or are you too often the passenger, longing to slip into the driver’s seat and open it up on the highway?
Teenage drivers
Teaching my teenage sons to drive has been nerve-wracking (of course), but also fascinating. The elder took to it immediately, with the confidence he exhibited in most things. His instincts were excellent. He’s a natural leader, and dislikes being a passenger. His driving style mirrors his take charge approach to most things.
As for my younger son? He’s a superb individual contributor or team player, and he has no issue with the passenger seat. At least, not yet.
Can I draw dramatic conclusions here? Probably not, yet even as we teach our teens to drive, we’re nonetheless observing (and shaping) a breadth of skills that aren’t specifically about driving, but are about getting somewhere.
Yielding the wheel
I admit, my relative comfort as a passenger has a great deal to do with who’s driving, road conditions, distance to travel, and the vehicle. When I’m doing the driving, I’m not at ease in a big car; I am tiny in stature, and prefer a compact and a stick. All practical considerations, and a metaphor for leadership, relationship, and parenting style – as well as the need to be flexible in each.
None of this means I won’t rise to an occasion on the job or elsewhere. We all stretch to accomplish new goals and fill roles we may not anticipate. Isn’t that precisely what the journey is about?
- Do you know when taking the wheel is the right thing to do?
- Are your relationships fluid enough to shift from the driver’s seat to the passenger seat?
- Are you nimble in responding to the need for change?
- Do you bring your work demeanor into your home life, for better or worse?
There are no absolutes when it comes to taking charge, and that’s my point. With the hectic pace of our daily lives, we don’t realize how we may stifle or develop leadership skills and situational judgment in ourselves, or for that matter, our children. That doesn’t mean we can’t nudge our capacities in new directions, at home or at the office – recognizing change, learning to yield the wheel, or when to step up, speak out, and take it. With confidence.
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Fascinating post. I love the metaphor – one which has particular currency in my relationship with Husband. He is a city boy and didn’t learn to drive until his late 20s (and well into our marriage). I therefore was in the driver’s seat – both the proverbial and the actual? – for almost a decade of our relationship. He is now an excellent driver, but I am still a very nervous passenger. Perhaps years of being in control make it even harder to relent, even when the task at hand is being done well.
I love the metaphor and take it back to what I wrote about today – actually it took me a couple of days to write but posted today.
I love to drive. I do it all the time and in fairly good and bad weather – probably a part of my control freak nature. On the other hand, I like being taken, someone else taking over and being in control. I just have to truly trust that person or I can’t let go.
I would think that most people feel they can be a passenger as long as tasks are being done well. The problem is that “well” is subjective. Do controlling people know they are controlling or do they feel they are forced to step up because no one else is doing anything right or well? I wonder…
What a great question, SimplyForties! (Anyone care to take that one?)
Strange, as I read the beginning of your post regarding control in your job, I thought to myself, I am a follower at work, don’t like to be in charge- but with my kids! (especially driving) then I read on..
I do like to drive the kids in more ways than just in the car. I am sure it has more to do with my confidence as a mother more than confidence at work.
once again, great post
Wolf, what a fascinating question!
I am similar to your younger son, I prefer to be a passenger–in the car. This does depend on who is driving. If I am with an unfamiliar person, I am more comfortable driving. With my husband, I am more favorable of letting him take control of the driving.
On projects, however, I usually take the lead. I feel that I am more capable of getting things done. Even with another person in charge, I am more likely to do the bulk of the work.
Does this influence my relationships? Yes and no. I will take charge of certain aspects in our marriage (household, kids, groceries) and my husband has his responsibilities (finances and paycheck). Yet, even these are not bound. We usually do what needs to be done, without asking. (Except for dishes. I will not allow anyone but myself to do the dishes.)
In answer to SimpleForties question, I am very aware of my controlling personality. I am controlling because I am afraid of failure (and germs… hence the dishes). I don’t think another could do a job half as well as I can.
Fascinating question. Something I think about a lot. First of all, I’m not a great driver. But more importantly, I recognize a reluctance to step up and take charge even when my instinct is to do so. Am I dampening that instinct out of some gender-bound reason? I don’t know. What fear causes me to hold back? I don’t know. Hmmm. Food for thought, this post.
Thank you!
“Men assuming it, and women easing into it?” There you go again portraying men as pushy and women just laid back and cool. Really? Maybe that’s your experience, but not mine. I find a lot of women to be unbearably pushy and aggressive.
Now, about driving. I’m a good driver but I drive pretty slow. My wife always accuses me of driving under the speed limit just to piss her off. She’s a bad passenger. I’m not a very good passenger either because I think she takes unnecessary risks. That extends to our non-driving lives too. I don’t hesitate to do things when I know I’m right. But, if I’m in doubt, I can take a long time to work out all the angles before acting. My wife? She jumps right into stuff with an unfailing sense of assuredness. Even if she’s wrong she won’t admit it until it’s painfully obvious to everyone.
Strangely though, in emergency situations, I am the one who can make snap decisions (driving and otherwise) and act. My wife tends to freeze when there is something serious on the line. That’s why she has always said that I make a better stay at home parent than her.
Anyway, interesting as ever! Thanks.
Interesting thoughts on leadership. I’ve thought a lot about this as a woman in a household of five guys — four sons and a husband. Your thoughts on driving, in particular, called to mind a study that came out a couple of months ago, hailing parents who hold kids accountable. My post “Holding the Line” chats about it.
Just found your blog — I’ll be back!
I really don’t believe the leadership drive is a gender-oriented phenomenon in today’s organizational world. I have seen, been under, appreciated/detested both male and female managers, department heads, directors, etc… I think the idea that BLW is throwing out is how people feel in the leadership role. Is it a good fit for some? Is it difficult for others? Do people thrive in a leadership role? Do people fear it? Regardless, today’s organizations, whether it is a business, non-profit, or academic, are all about the synergy between leadership and team. Success in today’s organizations can be directly related to one’s flexibility between the two.
Interesting post. For me, being in a car, and life itself, are very different. I ride my bike as much as possible. In a car, I don’t care if I drive or ride with someone else. But as for life – work, running my household, raising my family – I am firmly in charge of all things affecting me. As much as anyone can control anything, at least. I know what choices are mine, and I am comfortable making them. And letting some slide. It’s all about balance and peace of mind.
I was once told that I drove as if I were a passenger, but that was a long time ago now and, after a lot of yoga, I think I’m finally both in my car and in my body. I used to have a big 4×4 and besides getting poor gas mileage, it let me see for miles in front of me and allowed me to be a rather laissez faire driver; I actually prefer driving a tiny car because I have to be careful and yielding, even generous, to other drivers. I’ve come to see driving as a potential challenge for us to all cooperate and get along, and I’m not so much frightened to be a passenger (except in the occasional New York City taxi), as I am frightened by oblivious other drivers (a drunk guy fell asleep and drifted through a light and into the car right next to me and my kids a couple of years back… fortunately no one was hurt… that time at least). When metaphor gives way to raw adrenaline and we face how vulnerable and fragile any one of us can be at any given moment I’m inclined to be thankful we all manage to get where we’re going with as few problems as there are.
Nicely provocative topic—I’ll try to stay focused both on and off the road.
Oh I adore this subject. I have really come to think that these behavioral issues are not gender related so much as customary. Or what I often call Cultural Brainwashing. And Keith is right, there ARE a lot of really pushy broads out there, especially in the business world where gender roles are slowly fading. Still, there are lots of women that feel the need to get really aggressive in order to succeed – including me at times. Although I don’t think I’ve ever been an outright bitch at my job or at the wheel. (Well, unless it was absolutely necessary!)
I am different about driving than working – still a bit controlling both at the wheel and in the passenger seat, but less aggressive about it generally than I am about succeeding in my work and my creative life. But I am horrible as a passenger with certain people (my poor almost ex, for example).
I relate to aiming for the best I can do at all times. And as I move into my forties I am learning that sometimes it means I should not lead, even though I am a born leader. I am enjoying being part of a team now in some cases as much as I have enjoyed leading. Its another wonderful benefit of getting older!
I grew up always taking the wheel and have only just learned how to gracefully pass if off to others, or refrain from stepping up in the first place. It’s another example of the tedium of balance in our lives.