Just because it has been so long since I popped up here… Just because I’m convinced so many of you are struggling with the turmoil and sorrow of these past months, as am I… Just because I’m certain you too are putting heart and soul (and every self-motivating, resolute, big-picture-outlook-enhancing mantra) into staying strong through disruption and fear and loss — or “simply” terrible loneliness…
I thought I would say hello from my own physical, emotional, and financial jumble, and tell you that you aren’t alone.
I’m also hoping to reassure those who occasionally drop a line or comment (that I see behind the magic curtain) that I am, indeed, still here, still ok (more or less), and still working hard to find moments of peace, patience, and (ultimately) possibility.
The fact is, through this long summer of social upheaval over endemic and systemic racial injustice (some of the protests very close to where I live, though I couldn’t go out into the world to participate), through these terrible months of the ravages of COVID-19, through the angst and agita leading up to the election, through the confusion over how to vote and where to vote and the crazy weeks — yes crazy — that have followed the clear, legitimate election result… there hasn’t been much sleep to be had. Not for me. Not for many of the people I know. Perhaps not for you.
So… Here’s the gist of my recent lifestyle. I have been a “COVID captive” since the second week in March. (Like you?) I haven’t had paying work of any sort since then. (Like you?) I haven’t seen my children in 11 months and will not be seeing them at Thanksgiving or Christmas. (Like you?) Most probably, I will not see them other than on a small screen (when they’re in the mood) until vaccines are generally available and I can get one. (Also like you?) Yes, it’s depressing. Yes, it’s lonely. Yes, sometimes the loneliness is debilitating. So be it. We do what we can when we can as well as we can, each of us in our own way. Personally, I know that I’m fortunate in that I’m relatively fine with long periods of solitude. (Granted, this is a bit much!) More importantly, both of my sons were affected by the virus — one was laid off as a result and unemployed for a number of months (newly working again, thankfully); the other had the virus but is fine. Frankly, like all the mothers I know, if my kiddos are ok, then I’m ok.
I admit to going without all the routine medical/dental appointments I ought to have; I’ve had one brief telehealth (phone) visit simply to renew a prescription. I may think I’m still 40 years old, but I know I’m not, and I do worry about the fact that I will (again) go many months until I can safely return to my doctor or dentist for the routine “maintenance” required.
Part of my challenge these past months concerns managing two medical conditions — or rather, failing to do so — through diet, physical therapy, a physical therapy-based fitness program, and therapeutic massage (for pain, mobility, and strength; notably, virtually all of this was out-of-pocket, which is shameful, but another subject). Additionally, I was engaged in near-daily walking as my exercise.
For fibromyalgia and restless leg syndrome, along with specific dietary do’s and don’t’s, these elements of my non-medicated management mix are essential to a decent quality of life. And for me, PT-related services are also essential in addressing my nagging orthopedic injuries and, obviously, overall health.
PT and therapeutic massage dropped away the second week in March. Likewise, exercise (and sleep). I have been living with an increased amount of chronic pain, and fibro has been regaining its foothold. The net? Less mobility. Less sleep. Increasing weakness. Way too much sugar. Shredded memory. Depression. And we all know that depression and chronic pain are linked, as if COVID-related loss of work, social isolation, and societal turmoil weren’t difficult enough.
To be clear, I haven’t suffered full-blown fibro in 20 years. But there I was. Make that… here I have been. I had forgotten how terrible it can be. How crushing. How living with chronic pain can shrink your world down to almost nothing. And with it, emotional well-being.
Happily, I’m scratching my way back out of a very dark well. I’m doing better.
Sadly, the small PT staff at a nearby wellness center that was so extraordinarily helpful to me last year was dissolved. They were, like so many small entities, a victim of the lack of clients/patients coming through during the shut-down and all the precautions post-shut-down. Consequently, when this COVID mess is over (or improved), I will, again, have nowhere to go for those vital health services, this small clinic being the only place I could find that provided what I needed.
Now, I haven’t yet touched on the subject of money — or its absence — and the feeling of invisibility (yet again) for those of us over 50 (or 60!) who are not traditionally employed or even traditionally categorizable as “gig” workers. Freelancers with uneven and interrupted earnings over the years — cobbling together all sorts of revenue-generating projects and activities — may not have been able to meet some of the most basic so-called requirements for unemployment benefits. At least, I couldn’t, where I live. Terrifying. Discouraging. Maddening. And the only help at all — that $1200 check, once.
Hello? Congress? How many of us are struggling out here while you diddle around? And please, please, please don’t forget about those of us who need that $1200 check (and more like them)!
Challenges aside, I’m fighting my way back — trying, anyway — and making some progress these past few weeks. I’ve cut out sugar. My exercise is “hall-walking” (more on that soon, maybe). I’m watching less news (hard for me, but less news means less anxiety and more sleep). These acts of self-care… well, just because.
Just because… I’ll be damned if I’m going to disappear into depression beyond any retrievable self-salvage.
Just because… I’ll be damned if I allow a deteriorating condition due to my lack of self-care to make me even more susceptible to the coronavirus than I already am.
Just because… I’ll be damned if I’m going to be rendered invisible without putting up a fight.
Just because… I’ll be damned if I’m going to become anything other than a feisty old broad with a sharp mind, a smart mouth, a tender and loving heart, an appreciation for what is good and kind in the world, a need to model and act on what is good and kind in the world, a commitment to learning, and a passionate need to create.
I don’t feel like that person, that woman, at the moment. That “me” is aspirational, of course. But we are always in the process of “becoming,” aren’t we?
Just because… I may be laying bare these challenges, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. I have amazing books. I’ve watched some amazing movies. (I’ve become addicted to two French crime/thriller TV series and can’t wait for new seasons if/when they arrive.) I’ve been putting my creative urges to good use in ways other than, for now, writing in a public venue like this.
And then there’s my hair!
Ok, humor me, please. Let’s talk hair. The gray? Misery! When I allow my silvery enemy strands to overrun their territory, I look 10 years older! (No kidding. Ugh.) Happily, I’ve occasionally been able to get my hands on paint (ahem) to take care of the invaders around my face and along my part. OMG. I’m not good at this particular DIY activity, but as frivolous as it may sound, as imperfect as my results may be, enjoying those few weeks of solely dark locks (and self-recognition) are an energizing, depression-killing breath of fresh air to yours truly.
And the absence of cutting my hair???
That one, for a few months, was a nightmare. Who was that looking back at me? Once past the initial awkward stage, the assorted new looks were, well… intriguing. These days, my hair is roughly 6″ longer than usual. Six inches and counting! I can braid it. (Hello, Pipi Longstockings?) I can put it in a bun. (D.A.’s dancer days of yore?) I can pull it back around the sides with a bit of sweep over the forehead, partially up and partially down. (A 1940s glamour girl? A Jane Austen character?) Hell, my hair hasn’t been this long since I was 15 years old in white pointy geek glasses and braces. And that has been… oh, you know… 10, 12 years or so (ahem).
All flippancy aside, most of us are resilient. If we’re lucky, we have others to lean on. If we’re basically alone but persistent and persevering (or simply able to survive the blows we are dealt), we can find wells of strength in ourselves. God knows, what some families are living through is horrendous. Unimaginable. Their worlds, devastated. And what our nation is living through is tragic. Unnecessarily so. The equivalent of three, four, five jumbo jets crashing daily. Think of that. Think of the death toll in those terms. It is INSANE. More than a quarter of a million dead in the U.S. — so far. Who knows how many long-haulers struggling to feel better. Food lines for miles, in part because Congress hasn’t acted to help. Evictions. Healthcare workers and first-responders and postal workers and grocery workers and so many others — putting their health on the line every day — many of them, themselves, without health insurance! Parents struggling to school their children remotely while they try to survive financially working from home or not. Tens of millions unemployed, not counting people like me (and you?) who never show up in employment/unemployment statistics. And the American democratic system, daily, assaulted from the very top.
Tragic, yes. That is the very least I can say about it.
For those of you who are hanging in, like me, despite financial, logistical, emotional, and other challenges — will “you are not alone” be sufficient to feel a bit better? Will sharing my own rollercoaster ride these past months, as I have just done, be helpful, as I intend it?
For those who are themselves ill now, who are long-haulers, who have lost friends and loved ones, I am deeply deeply sorry for the suffering you are experiencing. I know what it is to live with chronic illness. I know what it is to lose loved ones. But I do not know the loss you are living with now. Were I able to wave a magic wand and ease even the slightest amount of your pain, I would. If only, if only, if only. All I can say is that we eventually learn to live with significant compromise and profound loss. If we’re fortunate, we learn to channel loss (as we may channel anger) into purpose. Positive purpose. But for now, know this. You are stronger than you think. We are all stronger than we think.
Finally, just because… I hope to send you love for the upcoming holidays. Please, stay safe. Take my good wishes. Find solace where you can — friends, family, faith.
Now, tell me how are you, how you’ve been, how you’re managing. Not easy, all this, I know.
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SO happy for this update. I’m glad you are managing your way through this crazy, challenging, and very sad time. All is well here. We have been lucky so far.
Glad to know you are doing well, Judith. Yes, it is a very sad time. And yes, I thought it was time I pop up and say hello. Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I was missing your posts just the other day, so what a nice surprise to see this in my inbox! And I’m happy that you’re doing ok and coping well. I’m also a fan of indoor walking, either while on the phone with family and friends or listening to a podcast. And have become BFFs with that gray-haired woman in the bathroom mirror as well! I hope you continue to share more of your wonderful writing and that 2021 brings lots of joy (and family reunions!) for all of us!
Sheila, so nice to hear from you! I’m glad that you’re doing OK. But tell me, how have you made friends with that silver haired reflection in the mirror? I really can’t seem to get past it. Not thus far. And that one “girl thing“ that I have done these past few years – painting the gray – is something that I miss terribly when I can’t do it. All recommendations welcome! Thank you for the kind words on my writing. And may 2021 bring good things to us all.
I guess I’m viewing the friendship with my mirror pal as similar to a “comrades in arms” type of relationship…necessary for now, but temporary in the long run. Like you, the hair coloring is my one “girl thing” and I don’t think I’m ready to completely let it go forever. I’ve been living a pretty solitary existence this year – just the once a week supermarket trips to replenish my supply of chips, chocolate, cheese (there’s some kind a pattern there, isn’t there?), and, of course, wine for that necessary fruit food group – so my audience for this temporary hair situation is pretty minimal.
Plus zooming from a semi-lit room helps too! 😉
Excellent! (And thanks for the chuckle.)
So happy you’re back, D.A. Like others I’ve been thinking of you, and not reaching out when maybe I should have been. Daily walking outside… I don’t know how I would have weathered this whole thing without that. And of course up here we had a pretty good summer with a few lunches and coffees on restaurant patios. Not anymore. Not for me anyway. Still hanging on to walking though. Even if I have to wade snow pretty soon.
Hang in there, my friend. Better days… soon… or sometime… I am sure. xo
So nice to be back in touch, Sue. And I’m glad you had a respite during the summer, even just a bit. Yes, to walking! (Even in the snow.) I’ll be thinking of you enjoying that fresh air. (I’m glad I have a long hallway. 🙂 )
You share such a fresh, authentic voice – thank you; while I wish things were easier, I so appreciate your honesty and transparency. Could our ancestors have imagined this time? I think maybe not. In my family we’ve all agreed to not gather for safety (zooming making apple pie together though – family tradition).
Thanks so much for stopping by, Marla. Apple pie sounds delish…
Life has certainly gotten …..more compact. For me it isn’t just the threat of Covid (although that is most definitely a component), but also a major health issue combined with passing into a different stage of life. It might seem melodramatic to say I’m working on my “Bucket List”, but if I’m honest with myself, that’s the essence of the matter.
When trips to your specialist involve discussions of 5, 10, 15 year survival probabilities, it tends to separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly. Your priorities reorder themselves rather automatically. A lack of energy related to the medical situation is also forcing me to do only those things which are most important.
One of my diversions used to be going to the movies. In the last few years four theaters I quite enjoyed have closed. The last one showed many Bollywood, other foreign and indie films and shut down as a consequence of the pandemic. Although I regret that what feels like a chapter of my life has closed, I also realize it was some combination of inevitable and for the best, as it no longer pulls me in a somewhat superficial direction.
I’m now focused on relating intensely to those close to me. A younger brother with whom I’ve probably not spent enough time. My wife who has been wonderfully supportive during this hell of a year. My concern is practical as well as emotional – should something happen to me I don’t want her to be burdened with all the messes we created in years past when we though we had forever to fix them.
I may soon lose a close friend to the virus. He and his wife were in bad health before, but after they both caught it he is trying to deal with what is now stage four cancer, and, simultaneously, the effective loss of his spouse who is now in a dementia home. His children are his immediate support system, but I know he needs someone at his stage of life he can talk candidly with.
On the positive side, there is a creative endeavor I promised myself decades ago but have been putting off for “one of these years”. That time was originally intended to be fifteen or twenty years ago, but somehow life got in the way. Although the current time isn’t perfect, it is mostly OK, which I think is as much as you can reasonably expect. Carpe Diem……
Those “creative endeavors“ that we put off? There is never a perfect time, is there? Taking on your own creativity sounds just right even during this very not-so-right time, Robert. Glad you stopped by.
Happy Thanksgiving Day to you, D.A.!
2020 has been a continuous movement for me. Many moments during which I thought about you and your journey shared. Update: I think that you may remember that my oldest dog Charlie passed in August 2019. After grieving (or really during grieving life without him), I put my townhouse on the island back on the market. I went through two unsuccessful realtors. Mid December 2019, I tried another realtor who captured an offer and closed in Mid January which gave me one week to find a place to live as the buyer wanted immediate possession. So I rented a dilapidated apartment on the water front. I remember your thoughts about storage facilities and weighed the cost! Mind you I had one week to find lodging!! (Similar to you!). So this particular apartment had a tiny two bedroom water front, no stairs entry through back door. Front door had stairs as it was on the incline with carports underneath. I decided to treat myself with this awesome view of sunrises and bay-night lights as I new it was temporary while I found my new residence. I celebrated my 60th in February there. I found a place that I thought might be okay for me and placed an offer after 8 hours on the market which was accepted that evening. The next day the President came on TV to announce COVID.
Everything went nuts. Realtors didn’t know what to do or how to handle anything! We muddled through to close first week in April. And of course that meant another move and payout penalties with early move out (even though apt manager and maintenance staff also left office duties- to go home for unknown amount of time).
I did the move which was the safest pandemic-wise and moved again (this time to my residence). That was April, 2020.
I purchased a very small cottage – 1941! Yes 1941 no typo – 81 years old, in disrepair. (That is the sad part.) But is my Home Sweet Home for me and Yorkie.
I always wondered what happened with all your readers who were also trying to figure out how to survive.
So, I thought that I would share my story.
— Robert, I’m sorry to hear that you are having health issues now. I wish you some peaceful moments.
D.A., The physical and mental pain for me in general has lessened after seven months of rest at my new “very old” home. I found a street of mostly older generations who are lights off by 8:00pm and day time outside neighborly acquaintance friend with keeping our COVID safe distance.
As far as the silvering of my very long dark blonde hair (not dyed or highlighted for over a decade), it resembles the silver sparkling tinsel that we used to decorate Christmas Trees as a child. So I feel I’m in Seasonal hair style!
Even though I’m an extreme introvert, I’m feeling the isolation! Blogs have kept me good company. Nice to read you again!
You have definitely been busy, TD! Glad you are doing well, despite the isolation. (Hard on everyone, even introverts, for sure.)
Robert, I am sorry to hear about your situation. It has been some time since I have been here and seen your posts. As usual you are insightful and succinct. Another old guy seems to have employed your approach when he said: Courage is knowing what not to fear. Carpe Diem indeed, with grog to follow. Take care.
Thanks for the kind words Curtis (and TD), and for the quote. I wasn’t aware of that one, and (especially) after researching the source, there’s probably some wisdom worth working to absorb. Grog does seem like a good idea (laughing)!
Well… it seems to me that you could both do with some of this – the recipe for Russian grog!
https://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2013/02/16/how-to-make-russian-grog-русский-медовый-грог/
Happened to swing by your site this morning, and voila!, there you are! Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and experiences with us.
I’m very lucky to live in a temperate climate and pleasant neighborhood where we can get out and walk nearly every day of the year. I must admit though that I am feeling myself age (or feeling my age) as the amount of sitting and not going anywhere has worked its effects on my body. A natural introvert, I don’t mind being home but even I have had my moments.
I have to say the presidential election result and the subsequent vaccine announcements have made all the difference to my state of mind. I had begun to steel myself against the thought of a loss and contemplating the idea of four more years. I had already started thinking of how I might focus solely on being there for my young adult children and turning completely inward to just my community because I could not fathom how our country could fall so far, again. And even though such ugliness in our country has been laid bare, I can be more hopeful for the future that our children will inherit and for our planet that provides for our very existence. I am hoping people can hang on for just a few more months as a vaccine is rolled out and as a responsive government will provide more aid to its citizens who so desperately need it.
When things return to normal (re covid), I do plan to become more involved in my community and do what I can at the local level to bring more justice and equity and to step back from the larger political goings on and social media, and concentrate on what I can do where I live.
I wish you better health and continued thanks for being here at dailyplate.
Lovely to hear from you, Judi. And I second your thoughts/concerns on those issues relative to the future. Wishing you a wonderful holiday.
Hello! So good to hear from you, I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you have been doing.
I reached out on Facebook but have since deleted that 12 year old account. Anyway, Good to have you back!
Dawn, so nice to hear from you! How have you been?
It’s great to hear from you and I’m thankful your “boys” are healthy and safe. I think better days are ahead!
GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!
I AM SADDEN to hear THE SONS are NOT Around…………..
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
WE are OKAY as THE ITALIAN has been working through out……I have sheltered in place for the last 8 months and to be honest feel a change in the BODY and MIND.I cannot wait for JANUARY 20th…………….
THANK GOD HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!THEY WILL HAVE A PLAN and at least SMILE AT US not yell and put down so MANY people!
I’m a phone call away………..Let me know if you ever feel like a GOOD CHIT CHAT!!
BIG HUGS,
XX
So wonderful to “hear” your voice again ❤… it’s been too long! Clearly you are loved and missed by many, including me! I so wish I could wave a magic wand for you (and all of us) too. Hang in there! Thanks so much for the update and well wishes. Sending love and best wishes back to you! I know you miss your kiddos a ton. Hope you’ll get to see them sooner rather than later. Glad they are doing okay…. look forward to the next update! Xoxo
DA I thought you might have hopped a last flight to France to hide out and raise out the storm. Glad to hear you are still kickin. I am sorry to hear about your situation but also glad to hear your “DA resolve” in full gear.
You have been missed. I have been lost. Hopefully that is rectified.
Curtis, cher ami ! Where have you been and how have you been? No… not hiding out in France, and the pandemic is (apres tout) worldwide. No hiding for any of us, really. But very pleased you’ve popped up and hoping you and yours are doing ok. (Drop a line!)