Coping Strategies? I Say, Whatever Works if It’s Healthy

Even now, I can picture myself at age 12, rising before the household was awake and taking a two-mile route through my neighborhood. Walking at dawn was just one of my coping mechanisms – a way to cope with my crazy mother, my fear of fat, the stress of “home.” Exercise is an excellent coping strategy.

We all have our challenges and coping mechanisms.

Years after that walking pattern was established (even during New England winters and when I would take a vacation to the beach), I stuck to the routine of that early morning exercise. Routine is an important part of my set of coping strategies.

Good Habits Work Wonders

Telling ourselves what we need to hear can be another good coping technique; we soothe, we encourage, we motivate with positive words. We tell ourselves we are stronger than we think. And when facing fear of risk — or simply, fear — we ask ourselves, “What’s the worst that can happen?” and we know that “worst,” usually, isn’t really so bad.

Routines are excellent coping mechanisms, as long as they are healthy routines. Other behaviors can become problematic. What starts out as a way to deal with challenges transforms into one more challenge to deal with.

For me, coping strategies are whatever works on a given day. Whatever works and is healthy, of course.

A few days ago, it was “sonnetizing.” (To me, it’s fun, immersive even, and incredibly diverting to create silly verse.) Early this morning, awake before sunrise, it was watching a week’s worth of late show monologues. (Laughter is a fabulous coping strategy.)

I imagine we all have our own ways to cope with down days or difficult circumstances — coping with a hormonal teenager (or maybe a hormonal self); coping with an irritating boss (or a driving-you-crazy-today spouse); coping with pain, with fatigue, with loneliness, with frustration; fighting the devil on that left shoulder (and encouraging the angel on the right).

We All Have Our Challenges, Don’t We?

This comment by Judy on toughing it out as she kicks cigarettes and Diet Coke got me thinking. I was contemplating creative coping techniques, how some become long-term strategies (and effective ones at that), while others turn on us. I mean, don’t we overdo on wine or pills or cigarettes (or sweets in my case) or other unhealthy behaviors because once, they helped us cope?

So when we are trying to kick those bad habits – or worse, addictive habits — what do we replace them with? What not unhealthy “something” can we use to combat cravings, anxiety, the pure pain of loss, the anguish of wrestling with our personal demons?

Judy’s comment had me examining the fine line between “methods to our madness” that are effective and helpful, and those that can betray us and make everything worse. And I’m considering my own coping strategies, wondering what others do, how well their methods work for them, and how often they may need to switch them up.

What Are Coping Mechanisms?

As I was rolling my own unhealthy habits around in my head, I found this succinct explanation of coping mechanisms.

Good Therapy explains them as:

the strategies people often use in the face of stress and/or trauma to help manage painful or difficult emotions.

Good Therapy’s article on coping goes on to explain that major life events, both negative and positive, cause stress. In order to adjust, both emotions and behavior become involved. There are positive and potentially destructive behaviors that we turn to.

But we know this, right? Don’t we know that grabbing for the extra cocktail or another cigarette is a problem? Even something as healthy as exercise can become an issue if you pursue it excessively and obsessively.

Good Therapy describes unhealthy coping mechanisms as “maladaptive” – and therein lies the problem. Even something as seemingly innocuous as the Internet can lead us down a rabbit hole of trouble that draws out and reinforces our worst impulses. Or perhaps, it simply aids and abets withdrawal from healthier activities, withdrawal being another maladaptive coping mechanism.

So What Works? “Good” Coping Skills

Some of us turn to a handful of effective means to cope that consistently work. Those walks of mine, for decades, are an example. Likewise, writing. For me, these have been coping strategies — part of a healthy routine that was deeply ingrained and always effective at managing difficult emotions. Lately, they haven’t been as available to me; the former, because of physical pain and the latter, well, I’m really not sure why.

As for coping in general, I have any number of methods that often work for me, and I wonder if they do the trick for you as well. Methods like:

• Talking to a friend
• Laughter (those late-night monologues, remember?)
• Listening to music
• Watching an old movie I love
• Bingeing on something fabulous on Netflix or TV
• Finding a relevant article or discussion online (relevant to what is bothering me)
• Staying busy with something that is “immersive”

Talk Is (Almost) Always Helpful

At the top of that list is talking to a friend, so I pick up the phone and call one of my oldest friends when I can catch her in town, and then we chat about our kids, places I may miss in my old neighborhood, and whatever was stressing me out seems smaller. It isn’t so much what we talk about as that we are talking, and I don’t have to “be” anything special for her. That is the beauty of a very long friendship.

Another advantage of talking to a friend: listening to that friend and his or her challenges. Giving — doing for others, even if it just means lending an ear — is a wonderful way to do for ourselves as well.

No old friends to call? Sometimes it’s enough to walk out the door and talk to anyone so you regain perspective, remind yourself things aren’t as dark as they may seem, or as an alternative to the escape that you find in YouTube videos (all night long) or online shopping (to the detriment of your credit card).

Withdrawing from the world is a coping mechanism that many people turn to (I have myself; it’s a tendency I need to fight), but the point of “call a friend” or “talk to someone” is this. Human connections can be extremely positive coping mechanisms.

That “Stay Busy” Item

When my mind is occupied and I am busy – even overly busy – I do better at beating back bad habits. But that coping option isn’t always a given; I no longer have the overabundance of project work that I had a few years ago, and I miss it. Among other things, I thrive on having an overfilled plate.

Whatever is going on with me on any given week, I also know that any coping strategy is going to be more significantly strained on a paucity of sleep and an excess of physical pain. Nevertheless, I do have coping strategies even in those cases. They may not be very exotic, but a really great movie can do it for me, or something that is motivating (a gorgeous magazine, as I mentioned the other day.)

Remember when I was polishing silver a few months back?

Right. That was a good coping mechanism, but not one I could turn into a daily “strategy.”

Getting out into the world is usually a good coping strategy — again, the human connection takes us out of ourselves if we’re lucky — at the very least, there are distractions. And getting out may lead to more “stay busy” items besides, both in terms of activities and people to interact with.

Oh, Those Devils… Let’s Encourage the Angels

Isn’t it strange how different we all are when it comes to the devils on one shoulder and the angels on the other?

For example, emotional eating may be my lifelong nemesis, but eating as a coping mechanism may be of zero temptation to you.

On the other hand, when I really want something sweet and I’m fighting that desire, I may choose to have a good glass of wine. I don’t drink often, and a half glass of Pinot noir or Cabernet may hit the spot and calm my craving. I will have absolutely no interest in further drinking.

That same bottle of wine? It may be someone else’s devil in disguise.

When it comes to serious addiction – to substances or self-destructive behaviors – clearly, I am not an expert on this subject and we need to get professionals involved. At the very least, a group environment can provide support when in the throes of a daily (or hourly) struggle, especially when the usual coping strategies seem to be MIA. But addiction, in its breadth of forms, is a disease that requires professional help.

Kindness, Slack, and Reminding Ourselves to Try Again

As for Judy who is valiantly kicking two habits at once, I say bravo! My own struggle with food continues; I did well for three days, poorly on the fourth, and better again the day that followed. The old “try try again” adage is all too familiar to me.

That said, I got some quality sleep last night (amazing!), which will allow me to be kinder to myself today as well as more resolved and more productive.

Each day really is a constant struggle at present, and I use whatever works in the moment — writing, old movies, a stash of beautiful (motivational) design or fashion magazines, exercise when my body is willing and able, the immersive magic of a project when possible. And picking up the virtual pen, here, as a way to “talk to friends.”

Do remember: If you are dealing with addiction, seek professional help.

What coping mechanisms or longer-term coping strategies work for you? Are you working to kick any bad habits these days?
 

 

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