January Is “Divorce Month,” But Let’s Talk About Love

January is known as “divorce month.” Why? If you’ve spent any time reading, writing, or learning about divorce or its related “industry,” then you would know that divorce filings surge after the first of a new year. And while I wish to make this point, I would really like to talk about love.

After all, soon enough it will be February, when affairs of the heart are on the agenda. Besides, don’t we all want love?

Let’s consider romantic love of the swoon-worthy sort that most of us idealize, certainly when we’re very young; love between partners that presumes absolute trust; love that ignites passion yet also provides the support of a best friend; love that assures us intimacy — both sexual and emotional — even as the former wanes with age and the latter strengthens as we weather life’s storms together.

Is any such captivating combination remotely possible — beyond our favorite fictionalized accounts?

Marital Challenges

Are unrealistic marital expectations part of the problem? Are we so spoon-fed butterflies forever and happy endings that we are set up for disappointment? Are discordant marital expectations — relationship expectations that we may not fully explore before walking down the aisle — an underestimated issue in a complex world where everyone is working, raising children is incredibly expensive, and social media (and widely available dating apps) suggest that “something better” is just around the corner?

There is an abundance of literature on why marriages break down, and lack of communication heads the list. In fact, these are the top five reasons that couples go their separate ways:

• Poor communications
• Money
• Abuse
• Social isolation
• Conflicting goals

It is worth mentioning that infidelity comes in at number 10…

So how do we manage to deal with those five items above — which is not to say that issues of sexual compatibility are not key in an intimate relationship? What if we get some of these right but not all? Are some more important than others? If we can excel at communication, are we more likely to succeed at mitigating other problems and disconnects that arise?

Break-ups. Divorce Legacy. How Well Do We Recover?

For any of us who have lived through a serious relationship that has broken up — marriage or living together — to what extent and for how long do we carry our sense of personal brokenness?

In my life I have fallen hard, and more than once. I’ve experienced the butterflies, the honeymoon phase, the subsequent stretch of established couplehood, and painful endings. I was in my thirties when I married and like most who take their vows, I was convinced that it would be for life. And I was wrong.

My own divorce is now many years back, my children are raised, and I’ve long been on my own. Looking behind me, I nonetheless see what the years of post-divorce skirmishes with the ex have wrought — an erosion of trust in my own judgment, a wariness in any relationship to follow, the drag of unrelenting financial and logistical stresses.

But why is this subject foremost in my mind now? Why have thoughts of my married life returned so frequently in recent months? Why have thoughts of my last long-term committed relationship returned and left me wondering why I stayed for so long? Why am I asking myself where I went wrong in love, if I ever “got it right,” and if it remains an option at this stage of life? Is my recent sense of fragility — frightened and alone in the ER — part of this preoccupation?

Questioning Our Relationship Choices

As I wake, as memory and dream and reality untangle themselves and I give myself over to the morning, I tend to pose questions, as I am doing here. I understand that in moments of vulnerability, we are more apt to feel alone, to wish for someone, anyone, who is theoretically committed to our well-being. But is that enough? Having a man just to have a man? Having a woman just to have a woman? A partner who is present without love? Without absolute trust, the exercise of mutual support, the sharing of values?

In my marriage, on more than one occasion, my husband was not around when I needed him. I recall my six-year-old son taking care of me during one extended period of illness while my husband went about his business as usual. I also recall a similar dynamic in a long-term relationship, though when my partner was ill, I was the devoted caregiver. The common factor in these two examples is me; my choice of men.

How many of us stay through relationships in which we give and give and give rather than be alone? How many of us question our judgment after?

This is where I find myself, all these years after loving and breaking up; after marriage and divorce; after loving again and breaking up.

I know men and women who find good, strong, passionate and compassionate relationships in second or third marriages — though we know that statistics show the higher divorce rates for these remarriages. But why is it that the legacy of divorce, for some of us, is so fraught with emotional pitfalls? Are we repeating our mistakes or at least making new ones? To what extent do we bear the burden of post-marital practical “baggage” — financial and familial damage that we struggle to recover from — adding unwieldy challenges to relationships that follow? How much is luck of the draw?

Putting the Pieces Back Together… Then What?

As for putting the pieces back together, some do this more easily; we can guess at many of the contributing factors — family support, co-parenting without high drama, a secure job or income — and even in so doing, surely we would miss some “magical ingredient” that breeds resilience in some people more so than others.

Some of us take longer to heal from any break-up, of course, in part due to the reasons for the end of the relationship; time to regain footing in our new single status may be especially painful if we were coupled for years or decades.

Some of us feel shattered by our break-ups, though we also understand that brokenness and strength can coexist — especially when there are children we are responsible for.

Some of us realize that we, too, have played a significant role in whatever went wrong, and we do the work on ourselves to address issues that may have been obstacles in marriage.

But what happens when, even after doing that work, we determine that our willingness to ignore issues, to confront those issues, to face our childhood shadows, to make better choices — all have contributed to faulty judgment? And what if our lessons learned occur when age dictates that loving again is unlikely to occur?

Single, Older, and Still…

As we grow older, we are still “ourselves” inside; I am (I think) my 48-year-old self: This was a newly post-divorce period when I was finding my footing. I felt confident, pretty even; I was still susceptible to falling under the spell of love, the promise of its powers and my own. I may even be my 52-year-old self — building a new career, my sons on a good path, my skin still smooth enough to attract a man’s touch. I may no longer appear to be that woman yet that “me” nevertheless exists inside, still desirous of so much, even as the possibility of passion and partnership seems increasingly elusive.

Love, given and received, is the most universal of human needs and inclinations. And in this divorce month, this time of year with its new starts and restarts and fresh starts and the hope at any age of the heart beating faster when someone you care for approaches, I can’t help but wonder what, if anything, lies in store for the growing number of single “women of a certain age.” Will there be butterflies? Can there be more? Is it simply too late?

 

You May Also Enjoy

• Why We Love the People We Love

• It’s Not Me, It’s You! Reasons People Leave Relationships

• Discordant Expectations in Marriage

• Thoughts on Emotional and Sexual Intimacy