Staying Strong When You Are Feeling Intimidated

Are you easily intimidated? If you are, do you know why? And how do you stay strong when you’re feeling intimidated — whether by someone who uses bullying tactics or simply someone who makes you feel small?

In certain situations, I know that I am oddly intimidated. When this occurs, the sense of insecurity, uncertainty, and discomfort is unmistakable. Surely there is conditioning in my past that triggers this response, and over the years I have come to better understand what is taking place, and sometimes — particularly as the years go on — learn to deal more effectively with my own reaction.

Still, lately, in specific types of confrontations I have sensed that I am falling into an old trap, lack my more usual confidence (even when I know I am in the right), and I’m again learning the lessons of how to deal with people and situations that leave me feeling intimidated.

Sources of Intimidation

Let’s be real. There are times we have good reason to feel fearful.

• Some people intimidate with their physical presence — size, gestures, a booming voice — and are well aware they are doing it.
• Some intimidate with their (presumed or assumed) authority, credentials, or even their language — seeking to disarm us by making us feel smaller or less powerful.
• Some are bullies and manipulators, using any and all methods available to undermine or upend our viewpoints, our sense of self-worth, and even our sense of reality. (Yes, this last is gaslighting.)

Of course, we may feel intimidated though there is no intention to intimidate by the other party — only an intention to discuss, disagree, or even negotiate. But we find ourselves experiencing a sense of insecurity. We deem ourselves less able to stand up for what we want.

Like many, I feel somewhat tentative around authority figures, particularly those with the power to affect my life — a “big boss” for example. But I also feel less than self-assured when dealing with certain “experts” though they may actually be in a service role — as if I don’t have a right to push hard in negotiating a tough issue or, for that matter, pushing against a price increase following problems in delivering that service.

When You’re Feeling “Small”

I have no problem standing up for what I believe is right in general, and speaking my mind as well as voicing my reasoning. But I grew up around confrontation, argumentation, and a larger-than-life (intimidating) primary caregiver. My father was a man who loved to argue, and my mother seemed to enjoy it too; likewise, my ex-husband would argue someone into a pile of dust just for the fun of it. So is it really surprising that my preference is to play nice?

While I haven’t had to argue per se recently, in the past few weeks I’ve had several occasions in which I’ve suffered the intimidation factor in dealing with service providers. And the struggle is real. I’ve fretted, I’ve stressed, I’ve felt “smaller” as I’ve had to go up against so-called authorities, i.e. people in positions of power.

I’ve had two such occasions arise in the past 10 days alone. In both instances, email notifications from service providers I depend on for major “infrastructure” in life provoked my pique — okay, make that indignation — along with insecurity and a surprising sense of powerlessness. I had to calm down before I could even begin to deal. One notification presented unfounded complaints and a price increase, while the other simply had a (ridiculous) price hike following months of bumpy service delivery on their part.

Yet both of these organizations hold sway over my life, and that power can be extremely intimidating.

Understanding the Psychology of Intimidation

Understanding intimidation and the way we are physically and psychologically “triggered” can help us stand up to our fears. This Psychology Today post on fighting intimidation is illuminating, reminding us that feeling intimidated is the result of feeling threatened. And those threats real, imagined, or something in between — an exaggeration or distortion of a much smaller issue.

Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD, writes:

… your body generally reacts more intensely to negative stimuli than to equally strong positive ones… the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones… That learning from your childhood and adulthood – both what you experienced yourself and saw others experiencing around you – is locked and loaded in your head today, ready for immediate activation…

And that certainly explains my triggers — fears planted both in childhood and, somewhat differently, in marriage.

So what helps, in terms of actions you can take?

How to Deal With Feeling Intimidated

Dr. Hanson recommends what he calls “mindful awareness.” In other words, reminding ourselves that we are wired for anxiety and fear, but that we have the judgment to discern if our fears are legitimate or not.

As for tangible tips, consider these, which work for me.

• Make sure you feel safe physically if someone is in your face, in your space, or towering over you. (Step back, have others around you.)
• If someone is shouting — or seems to be shouting (in all caps) in social media — take physical and emotional space. (Step back, walk away, set down the iPad.)
• Take time and/or distance to tamp down your emotions — anger, anxiety, outright panic.
• Ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen? (Usually, it’s not that bad.)
• Lay out your argumentation before taking on a confrontation, if possible.
• Use writing to respond or “argue” if an option — and edit, edit, edit before you push send!
• Garner support (and cheerleading) from others to remind you you’re strong, you’re okay, you’re worthy.
• Practice! We all get better at fighting our fears when we face them.
• Remembering that there are times when confidence comes and goes — for all of us!
• Whatever the outcome, be proud that you faced your fears.

My Story Continues…

In the case of my triggered intimidation, in both instances, I had to take two days to neutralize my emotions and set aside my agita. Then, I was able to compose cordial, fact-based emails that laid out my position.

In the first case, I also informed them I would be withdrawing my business. Literally minutes later, I had the most solicitous, polite, backpedaling email that I have seen in years. It included a proposed negation of the increase in fees, along with an admission that all of my points were valid, their complaints were not, and that service would improve. That was a satisfying moment, I was gracious in my follow-up response, but I am indeed withdrawing my business.

The second situation remains ongoing. This is another service provider of many years and recent dealings have left me feeling that I’ve been receiving worsening service as they’ve grown. I’m a little fish — a teeny-tiny fish — in a big pond. But why do I feel intimidated? I somehow don’t feel “good enough” to be one of their clients any longer. Though I doubt this was the intent of their notification, the situation has left me feeling slightly bullied and belittled. It’s a lousy way to feel, especially when you’re the client.

Once again, I took the time to set aside my emotions. Then I fought my way through my discomfort and crafted a clear email (as I asked myself “What’s the worst that can happen?”). The outcome of this agita-inducing incident remains unresolved, but I’m proud of myself for battling my own anxiety and standing up — whatever the result.

 

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