I could speak euphemistically and ask: How do you work through your challenges? But let’s get real. We all have problems, troubles, issues — and ultimately, often, we alone must mull them over, consider our options, and choose a path. So how do you go about it? How do you work through your problems — the tough ones?
Some may take a run or a long walk to shake off the anxiety or the cobwebs, and help clear their heads.
Others may take to excesses of food or drink or pills, though they know that ideally, they would feel better by having coffee with a friend.
Still others may sleep, be unable to sleep, or self-medicate any way they can — Hallmark channel? Home shopping network? — taking no overt action, and consequently allowing a “non-decision” to play out.
In my experience, the non-decision route often yields the least desirable result.
Naturally, how you get through any challenge varies based upon circumstances. The nature of the challenge matters, of course. A medical situation may be related to a financial one, but they are also very different. Problems in a marriage or romantic relationship are different from relationship challenges to do with a parent or child. Your physical and emotional states are significant factors in your ability to be resilient, in considering your options, and feeling confident in trusting your own judgment. A supportive and encouraging partner, family, network or community is extremely important. A shoulder to lean on or a friend who will listen to you and offer honest feedback can make a world of difference.
We are fortunate if we have one or more of these vital connections we can rely on. But that may not be the case, especially as we grow older. Then what?
Clearly, the ability to look back on our own experience — and what we have lived through and managed — can be a source of strength. Or, it can add to our concern. In my preference for the glass-half-full approach, let’s assume that it is more the former than the latter. And might we accept that change, even positive change we are hoping for, isn’t always pretty, and nor is it necessarily linear?
Certainly, it goes without saying that some factors are immutable — age and aging come to mind, or a family member you may be responsible for who depends on you — and we may find ourselves facing a dwindling set of choices that we cannot realistically alter. This leads to the oft-cited opinion that attitude can make an invaluable contribution to the success or failure of solving a problem.
That said, I am of the belief that attitude alone is not enough; creating community or connections, even if you don’t have them at present, is at least as important if not much more so.
Why?
Because each one of those connections may help you see yourself and your issues with new eyes, throwing open a window — at least opening it a crack — where you were unable to accomplish it on your own.
Moreover, connecting with other people, especially if you can find points of commonality, will help you feel less isolated. It can be much easier to face a challenge when engaged in a bit of the buddy system.
Maybe you take a walk with a new acquaintance. Maybe you have that cup of coffee with someone you just met online (safely vetted of course). Maybe braving the meet-up at a winery or book discussion is just the diversion you need from an elderly parent for whom you are the caretaker, an adult child whose worries seem overwhelming, or your own loneliness.
And incidentally, could we stop thinking of loneliness as a label that we are somehow “less than” others who have a set of cherished family and friends?
Now, some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been writing very much these past few months. I have been colliding with circumstances that I have been dealing with for some time, and frankly, I am a bit worn from the doings and churnings of trying to dig out.
Whereas the discipline of writing daily once served to help, in recent months I found it to be another burden. I had to prioritize. My writing fell to the bottom of the necessity list.
I would like to think that this situation is coming to an end; writing is so much a part of my life and who I am. But I simply don’t know. What I do know is that mantras like “you are stronger than you think” have only a short-term motivational impact on me. They are not, in and of themselves, solutions to complex challenges.
For myself, I know there are times when I turn to an excess of chocolate or ice cream, not the best solution and only a temporary fix, but that dopamine delight is sufficient — and just what the doctor ordered!
There are other times when I recognize that any such unhelpful “fall back” just isn’t the answer. In fact, it can make my sense of self take a dive. Then, I reach for all the strength I have to treat my body with greater respect and find a healthier response to confronting tough times — I throw on my sneakers and walk.
I have issues with my back, so this isn’t something I can always do, but when I can, moving my limbs and feeling the air on my face takes me out of myself. I can see the world and my situation, as well as my options, more clearly.
What else?
Being honest with myself.
Finding someone to talk to, someone non-judgmental. Then listening — with an open mind.
Action. No matter how difficult it seems, action is essential. Inertia, common and understandable as it may be, is a killer to making necessary change and meeting the challenges that life throws at us.
What about you? What helps you solve your serious problems, or at least meet them with renewed vigor?
You May Also Enjoy
So much here that I can relate to, and so clearly articulated. Honestly, I already know that “I’m stronger than I think,” but I also know that when I’m feeling low or “up against it,” that strength isn’t accessible without some serious support — support that knows not to parrot platitudes and make me feel guilty about the weakness I’m currently feeling.
I hope you’ve got some of that support to complement the ice cream/chocolate dopamine hits. Your writing matters to so many of us, and I’d love to see you back in a place where you can prioritize it again.
I always come back to basic meditation when I am facing a problem. I often get flustered and anxious when faced with big decisions. I am now wise enough to find a calm place in my mind before making these decisions, they are always more effective that way.
Coping requires a Swiss Army knife of skills. You can’t always turn to your best friend or they’ll burn out. You can’t always go to a shrink or you’ll go broke. Some problems can’t be fixed by talking anyway; they might require time for the fog to clear and the path forward to become visible. Or they might require us to take action, make a change.
Taking care of the physical helps defend us from stress–enough sleep, exercise, healthy food. I try not to pile bad upon bad by “coping” with self-destructive reactions like eating or shopping or zoning out through TV or reading. Sometimes doubling down on being “good” can put one into a virtuous mindset that helps clear that fog mentioned earlier.
People can have close family and friends and not have someone they can turn to in times of trouble. Parents might not be sympathetic, or may try to “fix” things for you. You might not want to share with friends out of a long-term desire to not embarrass a friend or family member you’re having trouble with. So, you can be surrounded by loved ones, yet feel “lonely.”
All so true.
Have you been peeking in my life, D.A.? This article is incredibly relevant to my current situation.
I guess I come at my dilemmas from a variety of angles. First, I try to simply the decision – Strip out the extraneous factors which only complicate, and get down to the basics, and then set my priorities within those. That is the easy, purely logical part. Then I get into the emotional and values based aspects. Did you know that there is no such thing as purely rational decision making?
My most cardinal decision making rule is to not decide from a place of weakness. If I can’t bring adequate facts and a clear mind to bear (reiterating Taste of France here) , I try not to decide. So I do put off decisions, or as you say “make non-decisions”. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a good decision from a bad process. I’ve commented before that some decisions will eventually tend to make themselves, and can’t be done otherwise because your weighting of the various factors, and indeed the reality of the situation itself, cannot be known until push comes to shove. These tend to be the really serious problems, with many intangibles. I suspect the subconscious may keep us from making these decisions rashly.
I try to remember to “start from where I am”. If there isn’t a solid line connecting my imagined ending to the present, it’s more of a dream than a plan, or it at least needs more study on the missing elements. It’s OK if some of those boil down to “it will all work out” or “a miracle happens here”, provided I give very serious thought to the possible downsides. Not everything is controllable, sometimes you do have to wing it, or go on instinct.
There’s also the question of how to start. I try to concentrate on the most significant things I can do now that have the most long term consequences. But sometimes I tell myself “I’m stuck in analysis paralysis”, and just do something, knowing full well that it may be wrong, or at least not optimum, but that it moves the situation forward. It seems superstitious, but it seems like the universe sometimes rewards action by either confirming the path, or quickly and gently showing a different one.
As you mentioned a run or walk can be very meditative, to take the brain to a place where the subconscious can work. I also have a favorite school track and field where I go late evenings to watch the sunset, ruminate while others exercise and then enjoy the solitude of the night after everyone leaves. The more often I do that as a routine, the less I have to do it in emergencies.
I’m with Frances. We all value your writing so much. Hope you find what you need. I know what works for me but that won’t necessarily do anything for you. When I am very low I seek professional help because as others have said, family and friends sometimes have limited patience and, more importantly, don’t necessarily have the expertise nor the objective viewpoint.