I recently experienced (yet) one (more) stunning reminder of just how much rudeness there is in contemporary American culture. (Happily, I also know how much kindness and courtesy exist, and I have been on the receiving end far more often.)
Still, unexpected bad behavior can catch us off guard and leave us mouth-agape, shaking our heads, and feeling dismayed that basic manners seem to be on the wane. Now, as to my noteworthy example — it is a “rudeness encounter” that has me perplexed, primarily for how simple a polite resolution would have been.
Try this…
Waking Someone Up? Repeatedly? Rude!
Now, imagine… You periodically hear from a person you chatted with on the phone once, and texted with (appropriately) a few times — a matter of a possible online-sourced meeting (and you saw immediately that you were a poor fit, despite a little initial repartee). As some time has passed, and you have repeatedly declined invitations to get together, you think he’s gotten the message.
No harm, no foul.
He pops up again out of the blue, texts late at night, he wakes you — and you politely tell him so, explaining that you typically start your day at 5 a.m. or earlier — and you go back to sleep. Or try.
The same thing happens a second time a few weeks later. You explain again that you were asleep and he woke you, so no texting at 10 or 11 at night, please. Mind you, this is NOT someone you know or have ever met face to face.
You think you’ve achieved your goal — no more texts, period, much less late-night texts — but just as you’re dropping off, he pops up again, waking you again.
Putting Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes
Is he a man in crisis? Painfully lonely? Is he desperate for a kind ear? Do you owe him a kind ear if any of that is the case? You have a flash of answers in your foggy state… maybe, who knows, not really…
The fact is, you’re exhausted, you’ve been asleep for about 10 minutes, you were previously crystal clear that this is out of bounds. (It was after 11 p.m.) At this point, you know what this is… especially as you text back again “Asleep. Told you please don’t text at this hour.” And he starts to give you an argument…
You: I’m a lousy sleeper and I rise at 4 or 5. Please don’t text at 11 and wake me up.
Him: Tip: Don’t leave your phone on. Everyone who knows you knows this is not reasonable.
You: (Fuming) That is ridiculous. I have reasons for sleeping with my phone nearby. Kindly don’t text me late at night.
Him: Maybe you have sleeping issues because you sleep with your phone. Ever think of that?
You: Just stop. Seriously.
Him: We are not compatible.
You: Perfect.
Now livid, wide awake, and learning how to block calls on your phone, you realize what has actually been going on. Narcissism. Manipulation. And absolute disregard for what the other person — me — was saying. That blocked number? Best thing I’ve done in some time!
Is Society Increasingly Rude? Is Social Media Making It Worse?
Now, should you have any doubt as to what qualifies as “rude,” consider this definition from Dictionary.com:
discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way… without culture, learning, or refinement… rough in manners or behavior; unmannerly; uncouth.
Do I think society is increasingly discourteous? (I do.) Do I believe that social media is making it worse? (I do.)
Was the man who woke me up deliberately discourteous? That’s hard to say. I do think he was discourteous and dismissive, this last quality, something I noted in our one phone conversation and in the texts that followed (that were not at 11 at night) — one of the reasons that I took my distance. (Some of us learn from our relationship mistakes. People show us who they are. We’re fools if we don’t pay attention. Been there, done that. Hopefully, I’m learning that lesson.)
Was his attempt to argue with me over text after waking me discourteous? Unmannerly? Rude?
You could say so. And stupid, too. I would have to be blind and a masochist not to see his self-absorption and, again… dismissiveness and disregard for yours truly over a pretty simple thing — I was asleep!
Have You Ever Been Rude? Justifiably?
In another example, I know that I was rude on the phone about a week ago. Having spent an hour on the Internet trying to find just the right gift for someone, discussing it with a sales person on the phone to make sure it was what I thought it was, specifying a delivery window that was vital (and being told it was fine), I was hopeful that this (not inexpensive) surprise would be well received.
I had made sure to order a birthday gift for someone with explicit delivery instructions. The package wasn’t delivered. I received several phone calls telling me delivery was attempted, they couldn’t get the package to the person, I was given a robotic run-around by the customer service rep, I said I wanted my money back, and she refused to refund my money.
And it wasn’t a small amount.
Suffice it to say, there was a rapid escalation of language and decibel level. I felt helpless to do anything — except resort to a customer service line (no one answered) or social media to warn potential customers (still pondering that one).
Was my language increasingly colorful? Yup.
Did I raise my voice? You bet. But only after I was given conflicting information, zero reasonable response, lied to about Sunday delivery, and felt backed into a corner on what should have been a nice day and a nice episode, but instead became an incident that ate up chunks of my time over the course of three days. (The package was delivered more than 48 hours late and missed the birthday.)
Am I proud of myself for resorting to yelling into a phone? Hardly. It leaves me feeling dreadful, yet I recognize how many of us find ourselves on the receiving end of poor customer service in so many arenas, feeling just as I did — helpless.
How to Deal With Rudeness
Now, as to how to deal with rudeness, some might say…
- Turn the other cheek (just take it in stride)
- Kill them with kindness! (Be the bigger person)
- Walk away (deep breathing or eating dark chocolate)
Then there’s this… Whatever it takes so you (theoretically) “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “don’t let the bad guys get you down.”
But few of us are saints. I’m certainly not. So the way I battled rudeness the other night was this. In the past, I would’ve allowed an uncomfortable situation or an inconvenient one to drag on and on. I would not have set such clear boundaries, and when those boundaries were violated, I would have been less clear (or slower) to “just say no.”
This time? I said stop, nicely, three times. And when the bad behavior continued, I put an end to it, period. I blocked the number, and I feel good about that.
What I don’t feel good about? That it was even necessary. That our society has become so self-absorbed and rude. That the online world seems to encourage it.
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Good grief! At first, I thought the caller was clueless, or even, as you mentioned, in crisis. But that exchange shows he was just selfish. Rude indeed.
You are entitled to have any reasons you want for keeping your phone on. Maybe you are worried about a parent who is ill and you want to be reachable. That doesn’t mean the entire world is entitled to call you at any hour of the night.
As for customer service, unfortunately, too often the underpaid people on the phones are just there to make customers think they’re getting service, but the reps lack any power or authority to actually fix screwups. I think the same of telemarketers, who are just trying to pay their bills, and I try to be polite as I hang up on them. But if I get three in the space of a few minutes, the third one is going to get a less polite response.
There are deliberate, calculatingly rude people out there, who count on other people being too surprised, shocked, or zen to call them on their actions, so they have impunity. Those are the worst.
Exactly, exactly, and exactly! 🙂
Some people will advance respect to you, some will give it if you deserve it by traditional measures, some will only do so grudgingly when you stand up to them, if they do at all.
I’ve recently made a new acquaintance, who I suspect will become a good friend. I agreed to help him with a project, and before we even met one of the first things he did was to carefully describe the working conditions. When we did meet, he told me that he had done so to not waste my time. As a result of not having his own time valued, he was determined not to do the same to others. This level of respect, shown from the beginning, impressed me highly, and I made sure to tell him so.
I try to bend over backwards to accommodate individuality, but I’ve learned to set wide but firm limits, especially since I’ve learned some people have no internal sense of limits or respect and will keep pushing until you push back. Sometimes I wonder if I should be better at telegraphing my sense of irritation, as people have been surprised when they trigger the limit.
On the other hand, sometimes the trespassing isn’t incremental. A FaceBook friend (more accurately an acquaintance) who has been socially acceptable suddenly says something that wouldn’t remotely be considered polite in face to face conversation (derogatory/confrontational), especially with a real friend. I find that to be a pretty clear litmus test for defriending, and have done it twice.
In any case, when you have wide but firm boundaries, by the time the boundary gets activated you can be pretty sure you’ve made the correct decision.
And irritation over the phone? The telecomm conglomerate that cut off my internet service without cause or warning, put me at the end of the queue for restoring service, and had no escalation procedure had me apoplectic. As did the medical billing office which, despite my multiple phone calls, has been the only one of my providers over the years that cannot figure out how to present a ($5,000) bill to my insurance company. Grrrrr….