On the way home from an errand yesterday, I turned into a shopping center with a market that I rarely frequent. I was low on coffee — not a good look on me — and decided to pick up a pound of beans while I could. Making my way through unfamiliar aisles, I was quickly distracted… by a display of hummus on special.
I stopped. Next to me was a woman roughly my age, also pondering the hummus. We struck up a conversation.
In a matter of minutes — both of us in an unguarded emotional state — we shared bits of our past year and found points of commonality. She has been going through challenging times; I have been going through challenging times. She teared up; I teared up.
And then we hugged.
After I returned to my rented place (where I still don’t feel “at home”), I brewed myself a cup of Joe, I thought about this woman, and I was struck by how warm she seemed despite dealing with excruciating circumstances — the medical situation of a family member. The enormity of the issues she is facing makes my concerns pale.
But this isn’t about comparisons. It’s about realizations.
Sometimes, terrible things happen to wonderful people. And there’s nothing to be done. Sometimes, tough times are your past, your present, and your foreseeable future. And there’s nothing to be done. Sometimes, you can do everything within your power to “fix” a situation or at least to improve it, and it won’t be enough.
Sure, attitude helps. Support helps. Money helps.
But misfortune can befall anyone. It’s luck of the draw.
We know this — much as we convince ourselves there are mysterious “reasons” things happen; it’s how many of us cope — but we don’t always act as if we know this, or interact as if we do. In other words, approaching each other with compassion, and without making assumptions or judgments.
Throughout last night and into this morning, I replayed my conversation with the woman I met, her brief account of recent months, and my own reality of the past three years or so and the past 18 months in particular.
I also replayed a recent conversation I had with an acquaintance who made assumptions about my life after divorce. She is happily married, was unaware that divorce is governed by state law, and that the outcomes are widely divergent. Her assumption: If you are a wife and mother, you always receive half the assets, alimony, and child support — all entirely sufficient to manage.
Um, not quite. Any of you who have been through it know as much.
I thought of my financial struggles since divorce. I thought of the far-reaching consequences of initial court rulings and the inexperienced judge who made them. I thought of the less than “friendly” state law where I lived. I thought of the two layoffs and the medical issue that occurred during my extended divorcing process.
Luck of the draw.
My move a year ago?
A few unforeseeable events occurred — nothing tragic — but enough to trample my plans and leave me hanging for months, and months, and months. Trying this. Trying that. One step forward, two steps back.
All of it, draining energy and resources.
I’m putting the pieces together, slowly, as best I can. I see progress and hope to sustain it. I focus on that. I remain resolved to recognize where I can make better choices, new choices, and I am determined to learn from my mistakes and to look forward.
But I am also working on not blaming myself for events that are purely… you got it… luck of the draw.
Now, let’s talk about pop culture’s tendency toward “victim blaming” or, if you prefer, pointing a finger at a person who is dealing with a difficult situation. And often more than difficult — life-altering — as in loss of a spouse through death or divorce, a serious illness or medical situation (one’s own or in the family), loss of employment and loss of livelihood, or a combination of significant events.
We preach that the secret to success is due to our resolve, our positive attitude, our persistence. I believe in resolve, positive attitude, and persistence. I believe in personal responsibility. I believe in “try, try again.”
But luck matters. The luck of the draw is not something we control. How we deal with it? Sure. However, pointing fingers at someone who is hurting and has been unable to “fix” problems in his or her life, or “deal” the way you might judge they should is utterly unhelpful, ill-considered, and frequently counterproductive.
The blame game is bad news in any context. Equally so, and something we all need to watch out for when we’re worn down and out of sorts — playing the “victim” card.
No one likes a victim. More importantly, living the victim mentality can be crippling. It rarely helps move us closer to our goals.
Still, let’s be real. Some win the genetic lottery — with health, talents, and looks that open doors. Some win the “geographic” lottery — the place of their birth offers inherent benefits. Some win the financial lottery — a matter of their parents’ financial wherewithal, and the ability to use it to their advantage.
We have only to think of various populations much in U.S. news these days for examples of birthright and opportunities, or lack thereof.
Certainly, challenges can spur us to tremendous accomplishments. For example, I am immeasurably glad not to have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I’ve learned the habits and value of hard work, and the sweetness of achievement. But let’s not pretend that we all start from a level playing field. We do not. Skin color, gender, geography, family — these are only a few of the factors that put some of us at an advantage, or a disadvantage.
Luck of the draw.
Again, I cannot help but think of the woman I just met. She lives nearby (how fantastic!), she has a sparkle in her eye even under duress (delightful!), and who knows?
No one “deserves” what she’s going through, and I know I cannot possibly understand it. But I think, maybe, I can be there for her in some small way. And in so doing, feel good about the very simple, very human, absolutely essential act of connecting. Connecting is always a step forward, in my book.
So might we act in affirming ways to stay open to serendipity? To take calculated risks to ameliorate a situation? To reach out and be kind no matter what? I believe the answer is yes.
Oh… and I bought the hummus — though a different brand than my usual. It was a great price and it’s delicious. Luck of the draw?
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So many of my former colleagues have been laid off. There’s no rhyme or reason. The company downsizes, and entire departments get let go. That way the company isn’t accused of discriminating. So amazing workers, real geniuses, find themselves unemployed while mediocre co-workers still have jobs because they were in the lucky survivor departments. The survivors, however, are sure they were spared because of their great skills and intelligence, not because of luck. And the laid-off people, especially older ones who have trouble finding new jobs, wonder what is wrong with them and question their worth.
There is a sociological study from some years back in which people played Monopoly. Some players got to roll two dice, as normal. Others started with twice as much money and got more than two dice to roll at each turn and bigger bonuses for passing Go. Unsurprisingly, the second group consistently won, and said they won because of skill, not because the game was rigged. (Search for Paul Piff; he gave a TED Talk on it.)
Fascinating. I will check out that talk.
There is a recent book – Success and Luck: Good Fortune and the Myth of Meritocracy
by Robert H. Frank, which emphasizes those same themes.
It’s the assumptions that always get me. Instead of empathy, we receive pat solutions, quick fix ideas, so that the very busy friend or acquaintance can be on their way, having “solved” our problems for us. Sheesh. In a recent e-mail to a blogger friend who has become a real life friend, I said from now on I’m using the capacity for empathy as the most important quality in a friend.
Reaching out is so good to do, I think. And I hear hummus works as well:)
Yes, yes, yes! Great points. Empathy is sooooo important.
Actually, I just popped by to visit her. She is a total sweetheart! Who knew hummus was so awesome? Gotta love serendipity. ?
I can so understand the themes and experience you are writing about here – my last 10 yrs since my divorce have been extremely challenging on so many levels and have significantly changed the way I relate to others who have unexpected life events which cause seismic ruptures in their lives.
And the long-lasting effects of an abrupt life change impacts our lives with first one change… then another – which then leads to a third change, and so on…
I’ve downsized where I live 4 times with the kids, changed job fields 3 times, re-trained, started my own business and work several part-time jobs – none that come with benefits or access to insurance.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will likely never have true stability in my life again – despite my ongoing efforts every day.
Recently at my job I was told we are going to learn some new systems that require us to “Get out of our Comfort Zone” – that’s not hard for me – it’s how my life truly is day to day, month to month, year after year.
I hear you on all counts, Nancy Kay. Sending my admiration, respect, empathy, and a hug.
I’m always available to listen to a friend who needs to talk. Sometimes hearing yourself voice things that concern you assists in discovering new insights. I never offer unsolicited advice and assume I have the solution, because I don’t. True friendship requires trust; having the ability to hear without judgment; caring enough to ask rather than assume.
So happy to hear about your chance meeting. It made me smile.
🙂
I agree Sue. Empathy – I never thought of that being an important quality in a friend but is absolutely necessary in order to have a great relationship.
I always try to remember the saying “There but for the grace of God, go I”. It helps me sympathize and empathize with those less fortunate or going through a bad time in their life. We all need to reach out to those around us.
Thank you for sharing. I lost my career and a brother in a year, and then went back to school in my 40’s and have struggled with a new field of work.
I agree with Nancy about one’s comfort zone being constantly in flux. I was also convicted on where my thoughts go when hearing about someone’s life issues. We all have issues. I will admit I envy my friend who has had the same job for over 20 years.
I hope this is all growing me in a way I can use to help others.
I hear the sparkle in your words, even among your own disappointment. You have a great deal of resilience. You know my own world view sees “luck” as providence, but I must agree there is so much over which we have zero control and about which we are truly powerless. Yet, we get to choose how to move forward within our given situations, even when I may not choose them. I hope you’ve met a new friend, indeed!
Empathy and kindness are essential to humanity and connection. Yet somehow they are becoming more elusive.