There was the ivy grad who was at least 80 pounds heavier than in his profile picture. (I barely recognized him.) There was the local TV producer who was recognizable, but 10 years older than his photos, easily. And let’s not forget the marketing guy who neglected to mention a series of ex-wives and a lengthy string of former live-ins.
The most recent had only departed two weeks before.
Online dating?
It’s not for the faint of heart, caveat emptor, and in current parlance, “truthful hyperbole” abounds.
The Challenges of Age and Appearance
Me? I’ve lost count of the number of times that I was on the receiving end of this line or something similar: “Oh, you look just like your pictures.”
Exactly.
Have I fudged my age online?
I have, for purposes of search, not by much, in the (naive?) hope of meeting someone my own age. And I remedy this situation if I “connect” with someone in a real way, typically finding we are roughly contemporaries. I’ve done it, as do many women, knowing that without doing so the few men I hear from are likely to be 10 years (or more) my senior.
Now, I don’t mean to focus purely on the physical. Far more fundamental aspects may be exaggerated or fictionalized including routine activities and interests, education, jobs, financial situation. Oh, and shall we add marital status? Hello? How often have we engaged with daters who say they’re divorced when they’re separated, or separated when it turns out they’re married?
These are things we care about, don’t we? Especially as we try — some of us in earnest — to find appropriate people to date and eventually, compatible partners. And let’s be real… These misrepresentations are not solely indulged in by men! Ladies, might you be offering images from days gone by, too?
The Woes of the Post-Divorce Dater
Post-divorce? Many of us are fragile. Very fragile. Often we need to grow new wings and fly fast, just in order to survive. While I realize that we are all more vulnerable after a break-up, this is no truer than after a marriage dissolves as we muddle our way through legal proceedings, family complications, loss of “couple friends” and potentially significant financial dramas.
Relationships?
Sure, we think about it. We want distraction, reassurance, affection, sex. We want a salve to heal the wounds, a renewal of feeling valued. We are especially susceptible to our own poor judgment, wishful thinking, or lack of practice in the dating world. And this explains the prevalence of the rebound relationship when we decide to dare to get back “out there.”
And if those experiences are undertaken in the online world?
We run the risk of diving in too fast, assuming too much, trusting too quickly, and taking our virtual Romeos and Juliets at their word.
The Challenges of Distance. Okay, Challenges, PERIOD.
I could go on and on with stories of my own about finding a seemingly great guy with whom there is a hint of a spark and a basis for compatibility. In my most recent period of lightly “cruising” the options, I encountered one genuine gentleman of good intent and substance, but he lives half a country away. Another, with whom I also shared interests and rapport, resides some 150 miles away. And both of these men are well established in their respective communities.
Having recently relocated after more than two decades in one region, the possibility of relocating again is overwhelming and financially unrealistic. 20 miles? 40 miles? Maybe.
150 miles? 1,050 miles? On the chance that a relationship might flourish and be sustainable?
Possibly, if I were 10 years younger. Even then, it’s a challenge I’m not sure I would undertake. If things go awry, how do I recover? Isn’t it so much tougher at 55 than 45 or 65 than 55?
Theoretically, you could debate whether consequences are gnarlier for the “mature” woman seeking romance, companionship, a future — or even a fling. But fear not! Any of us are apt to bump into this sort of guy — yeah, this one, here — who generally “reveals his hand” early in mutual virtual acquaintance. At least he’s good for a laugh!
More problematic are those who are skilled at subterfuge, scamming, or manipulating in order to get whatever it is they’re after. I say again: Buyer beware.
You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know?
Meanwhile, your Match Man of interest offers a plausible reason for no photograph or only a partial one. Your OK Cupid Cutie, likewise. Still, you wonder when he will be more forthcoming. Warning, Will Robinson!
As he promises to disclose more soon, you remain intrigued. He tells you he’s bearded. (Nice!) He’s an entrepreneur with projects in restaurants and hospitality. (Why not?) Oh, by the way, he has a few discreet tattoos and a penchant for hats!
Cool, you think. Even if he’s exaggerating a little, now you begin to imagine this:
Then he shares more tidbits. He’s a musician in his spare time. As he enumerates the vocals he prefers, you begin to suspect he may be a little older than he first led you to believe… Then again, does that matter? He did it for better results in search, and haven’t you fudged by three years as well?
Adding to his creative side, there’s his love of photography and he expounds on his latest wildlife series. Your interest grows. So do your trust and level of engagement. With the additional details, you now picture him slightly older, a bit of a hipster, and that has its appeal, too…
Ah, Reality…
A few more delicious details emerge. He’s blue-eyed, athletically built, hooked on working out daily, and composing for a band he’s putting together.
Unfortunately, it turns out the weights are three-pounders, the hat is a fuzzy panda, the camera is his mother’s ’94 Polaroid, and his scores are for ukulele and drums.
Behold, your dream man.
Hey, the guy may be a fantastic human being with a big heart, an intriguing mind, and precisely the sort of quirky humor you enjoy.
His entrepreneurial business? Maybe he really does run his empire from his cozy couch. Personally, I like the ukulele, but…
Why the deception? And what else is he hiding?
Stay Smart, Stay Safe, Take Time
Listen, even when you’ve been dating for a long time, you’re still discovering — and sometimes uncovering — the person you’re falling for. Even when you’ve been in a committed relationship or married, you can still come to realize that you don’t know who you’re with. There will always be elements of our lives we feel concerned about sharing. There will always be people who purposely hide or deceive. They may have their reasons; we may have our reasons. And it may take us years to come to grips with the totality of who we are… with and for each other.
So doesn’t it follow that we ought to be a little wary in any online dealings? Shouldn’t we be encouraged to proceed with caution for our own good? Shouldn’t we manage expectations with a large, and I mean large dose of skepticism?
Advice?
Listen to your gut. Get a full name. Vet, vet, vet. Make sure he — or she — isn’t married. If and when you meet, make it a public place, by day, and let a friend know where you are.
The great Online Meeting Challenge?
Online encounters are precarious ventures if we’re hoping to move our interactions from the virtual universe to the real one. As for little old moi and my occasional desire to get back out there again?
I wonder… After a respite of three months or six months or a year, will I dare to dip my toes into those wild waters again?
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I was just thinking about the challenge of getting back out there the other day…. for a blog post on “Bounce Back.” My husband and I had an interesting conversation about it too. We met when I was 28 and he was 40… and if I hadn’t met him in person first, I’d never have dated someone that much older than me. There are so many deal breakers that may not be deal breakers at all. Not to mention the whole subterfuge thing. You have to have courage to get back out there, that’s for sure.
I’ve actually met some very interesting and nice people online over the years. For me, the actual age was never the issue so much as “stage” — I was a little older than some when I had my kids, so after divorce I tended to date divorced men with kids the same age as my own. Often that meant I was dating 5 to 8 years younger.
The issue that seems to occur once you hit 50 — in the online world — if you’re a woman, the men you’re age are looking for women 10 to 20 years younger. What you end up with — not exclusively but very frequently, are men many years older and therefore in a different stage — sometimes well into retirement when you’re still much more involved in the working world with different priorities, time constraints, financial issues and so on.
That can get very complicated, or simply unworkable.
Of course, all bets are off when you meet someone in person! The twinkle in his or her eye, the energy they exude… nothing beats it when things click.
D. A.,
Online and offline dating, both genders meet all sorts of people and people with various agendas. And the stories, we can all tell to get some laughs. I’m wondering if there is genuine dating in today’s world with the 50+ generations?
When in my early 40s I was encouraged by my 30s co-worker friends to add myself to the Match experience. I was the call person and lookout for one woman friend who had been posted for a few months; and eventually I became brave enough that she ended up being my call person and lookout too. She was willing to travel including out of state to meet a “potential life partner” as she was in that stage of wanting to start a family and flexible with career goals. I was only willing to travel 30 minutes as I was well established in my career, owned my home, and ready to find a “potential life partner” with similar core values and common activity interests. Interestingly enough, she found her husband at our office and I was found my husband (at that time) on Match. For the most part, my co-worker friend and I did meet good, interesting, nice, fun people after weeding, deleting and even blocking some pursuers. We both never lied with age, photo, or basic info on the profile as that would be an automatic disqualification for our quest of a “potential life partner” in regards to the “trust” issues. The online process did open up more potentials for both of us, so I recommended it during those days. We played it safe by all means.
Fast forward to today’s very different world and at a very different stage of my life approaching 60’s, now divorced, I too have considered and wondered about the online possibilities.
Could there be “potential life partnership” and love, again? ? I would love to hear from both men and women, those in this 50+ stage of life who have recently tried the online options.?
Well, I’ve been on a variety of sites over the years — paid and unpaid — both in the US and (believe it or not) in France. (I used to travel back and forth related to work.) My experience as a “mature” woman (une femme d’un certain age) in France was always positive. Age was never an issue though I was 50+ at the time. Here? In the US?
The older I get, the more impossible online meeting becomes. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some wonderful people to meet, but I think in general it becomes harder. More so for 50+ women than men. This is a society that judges women on youth and appearance. The ways in which we interact online are just not conducive to “feeling” a person’s presence in the same way as a real world encounter.
That doesn’t mean I don’t and won’t peruse from time to time. (It’s fascinating!)
Life partnership again?
I thought I was there a few years ago… Now? I have my doubts, but never say never!
So the biggest problem with Bachelor Number 3 is that he plays the ukelele and drums, rather than piano and violin?
Or perhaps the issue is that you’re as shallow as these men you decry, and equally as deceptive.
Just be honest in your profile about your preferences: “No fatties with beards, and no one over 35. Oh, and being a hipster is a plus.”
Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Thanks for joining the conversation, Spinoza. Like I said, I enjoy the ukelele. Like I also said, women are equal opportunity offenders. I think you missed the point, and it is this: The issue is dishonesty, and the need to take the time to get to know who you’re talking to. It’s very easy to deceive online.
Personally, I just can’t do the online thing, though I know others who have, and, after some trial and error, have found compatible partners. My favorite story involves an acquaintance who met a man in a chat room, struck up conversation over several weeks, and decided to meet for drinks. She said the evening was horrible…in reality, he was nothing like the person in those conversations. I’ll spare you the upsetting details, except her final comment on the situation…”I should have left immediately when he felt comfortable enough to confide that he had been rejected by several dating sites!”
Wow! That’s a first, Angela. I’ve never even heard of that happening…
Some years back when I was online dating more regularly, I wound up making a good coffee buddy who would share some of his adventures. I was astounded by some of the tales he had to tell. Some of the women were c-r-a-z-y, some were unrecognizable, and others just wanted a great dinner and a boatload of drinks on his dime. (One of the reasons I try to go with coffee. I don’t think it’s fair to expect a stranger to pick up a big check.)
I found your essay humorous, a fun selection of pictures, with some savvy safety advice.
If you do dare to dip your toes again, I do hope you find whatever is your desire! ?
Great blog! I have been divorced 8 years and tried every site out there! I give up for 3 to 6 months at a time and then try again. It is a game of numbers, after all. I have met some nice men but the elusive “chemistry” is not there, or after 6 months you realize the long term potential is not there. I have also had dates so bad that my married friends ask me if I have any new bad date stories! Those that show up 150 pounds heavier, literally 4 inches shorter, 10 years older, etc… they could be perfectly nice but I just want to yell “You already started off with a lie”! Then there was the one that booked a room and put champagne in it as he was so confident that he would score with me on the first date. The one that neglected to say he was missing 3 fingers and offered to take me home and give me a massage. The one that called the next day and asked if I would buy him some sneakers. The ones that then only call you from the coffee shop and cancel dates…Married!
It is rough out there! And you need a thick skin. I love when a man puts in his profile he is only seeking “slender” yet his pics reveal he is more than slender! But, I am sure I will rejoin the dating sites again soon. Makes a Saturday night a lot more interesting! Good luck out there!
Holy Dastardly Dating, LM! Booked a hotel room before you even actually met for the first time?!? Yowza! Talk about confidence!
Your stories elicited quite a chuckle from me. But we do keep on hoping, don’t we… And it is interesting!
I must admit to being one of the marrieds who enjoys the crazy online dating tales! I just cannot believe how bizarre they turn out to be. Yes, I know some who have met their matches online, but all have to use discernment and weed through the haze of virtual reality. I guess that would be my thoughts process, take the virtual into the real world as soon as possible in order to use my intuition.
Regarding the long distances, I can’t see why people try. It would seem to lead to greater loss, in my opinion. Who needs more “could have been” and disappointment?
Hi, DA! Great article! Match was giving a three day trial earlier in the month and I couldn’t last that long. Being a widow, I was curious to discover if I was at all ready to meet new people, and I guess I’m not. I hope someday to find a companion, but if the guys I attracted are any guide, my hopes are to be cruelly dashed. Or maybe I was doing it wrong, who knows? I was brutally honest on my profile, and I would get guys who hadn’t bothered reading it at all. Of the few ones I actually talked to online, one wanted me to give him my number and get off Match completely since I “belonged” to him, another turned out to be living happily with his (very healthy) mother, but these weren’t the painful ones. The worst ones were the guys who wanted me to tell them about myself, and then disappeared, never to be heard from again. I couldn’t deal with exposing myself like that to a stranger, and it was uncomfortably close to feeling like rejection, so I knew I wasn’t ready for the dating world and I shut down the account.
Gina, Whether widowed or divorced, I do think we have to be ready to put ourselves out there. I don’t think there is a standard timeline or formula for how and when to know we’ve arrived at that point. I think we put a toe in the water, take it out if we are not ready, put it back in a few weeks or months later, possibly stay a little longer as we begin to get our feet wet, step back out again for as long as necessary, and so on.
When we are on our own, we sometimes feel so much pressure to be pairing up again. Sometimes the pressure comes from family members, sometimes from friends, sometimes from society in general. I don’t think isolation is good for any of us, especially when we need to adjust to a new “status” in the world, but nor do I think we can push the healing process that feels natural. And, some of us are comfortable on our own, or on our own with casual or periodic relationships.
Besides, after the termination of a marriage, we’re often dealing with real world logistical issues — finances, selling or keeping a home, relocating, the need for a job or job change — all of which make dating a potentially nice distraction, but less important than the hard-core “survival” issues many new singles face.
(I’ll be interested to know if you’re trying again in three or six months.)
I will let you know! It’s true that I am in a “transitional” state, not knowing where I will be living at Christmas much less a year from now. Perhaps when I finally land in a more secure situation I can try again.
D.A., I read your comment back to me. I appreciate your sharing. I agree: “The ways in which we interact online are just not conducive to “feeling” a person’s presence in the same way as a real world encounter.” Nor can anyone determine a person’s presence in a photograph! How we interpret what we read and see online is only our own imagination!
Some basic facts that are truthful with your best forward with intent description might achieve a mutual match. As I said, the process opened more opportunities for me to meet people that I would have never met in my day-to-day circle. Once connecting by email 2-3 short correspondence, not too much personal such as financials, home/work addresses (or now by text); I think a phone call adds the next layer of connection to a person. If still a positive experience, meeting inside a well known restaurant that you are very familiar (not adjoining to a hotel) during daylight is a safe place. Getting to know a person face to face where all five senses can bring about discernment, common interests, connection and associated conversations.
Relationships take time, energy and investment of both people.
I never found online dating to be fascinating nor entertaining. Yet, I imagine some, like you, are on the sites exactly for that component. True enough. I also know a couple who met online without photos and met in person on common stage of life and mutual interest, then married.
Gina- It is quite common that people respond without reading the profile and some ask for more pictures for their entertainment. These are the one’s that I simply dismiss and don’t respond. Yet, I welcome like-minded people until I have a mutual interest. There is a diverse assortment of people.
I also do not believe that most men are attracted to much younger women. Some are, true enough, but some women are too attracted to the younger. For the second time around, 2 (out of 3) of my brothers chose life partners ten years OLDER; the 3rd brother four years younger.
I’m still interested to hear from your men readers and women readers to your blog. What are your thoughts on the dating 50+ subject? Are we just too old? Is dating nonsense at this stage of life?
TD, I put your question out into the “ether” on Twitter, FB and IG. So we’ll see…
Thanks! Let’s see where the conversations will take us.
In my opinion, you are never too old to date!
You have to be careful like everyone advises, but dating sites can still be a good place to meet people.
I had good and bad experiences with dating sites in my late 50’s. I met some great people and remained friends with a few, even though there were no sparks. That led to good things like invites to happy hours with other singles in a group that met every friday.
Eventually I met someone through Match and we have been together 6 years. He is four years younger, so not a big age gap. I can’t say it is a perfect relationship, I’m not sure if that exists. lol But we are very compatible and enjoy each others company.
If you still have the desire for companionship and attention from the opposite sex (or whoever lol), I think you should safely meet people, no matter what your age. You may meet a few losers (I met one who invited me for lunch, I was prepared to pay for my own, but he pulled the “forgot his wallet” and I had to pay for both.. grrr). But you may meet some very nice men who could be potential friends or more.
Hi Joanne,
I am not sure that there is such a thing as a perfect relationship, either. I think there are people who search for that perfection though.
Good to know that you found someone in your late 50’s on Match close to your age who is compatible and good company. I did too on Match in my early 40’s. But now approaching 60’s I’m hesitant with feeling vulnerable in today’s world.
Hope others will reply to get more thoughts on the subject. Thanks for sharing!
D.A., So, it doesn’t appear that my online dating inquiry got much input from the men.
I talked to a few close friends about the online idea and their input is that it would not be worth risks.
So at least I did get to a direction to take for myself with self care and what is best for me as I approach my 60’s.
Thanks for everyone’s kindness!