It’s an age-old question. Can men and women be friends? “Just” friends?
This topic has popped up periodically since 1989’s blockbuster rom-com, When Harry Met Sally. For those unfamiliar with the film — five of you? 12 of you? — it tells the tale of a long-term friendship that blossoms into love.
If you’re the suspicious type, it hardly takes a night of cable movie indulgence to ignite a little fevered fretting over Hubby’s long-time gal-pal or the Wife’s coffees with her high school ex…
And even the most trusting among us is not exempt from the green-eyed monster. The right (or wrong) circumstances can trigger doubts about any relationship. But then what?
Jealous? Insecure?
You may have reason to feel insecure about your relationship. Okay, fine. Maybe that “friendship” she nurtures has outlived all other involvements, and that leaves you wondering. Maybe the two of you are going through a tough time and your guy friend’s BFF is too touchy for comfort.
Some of you harbor the belief that between any heterosexual man and woman, there is always the potential for chemistry. As far as you’re concerned, even if one or both are spoken for, friendship is fertile ground for an emotional affair.
Personally, I count myself in a different group, those who are generally neither jealous nor suspicious. Have I ever been jealous? Of a partner’s ex, yes, but not for long. Have I ever been suspicious? Of a friend? Only once. But these are exceptions. And while I’ll never know whether my suspicions were founded or not, I remain firmly convinced that men and women can pursue non-sexual, nonthreatening friendships that need not land them in love, in bed, or in the doghouse with the hubby, the wife, or the latest heart throb.
But that doesn’t mean we’re careless in respecting boundaries — ours, our friend’s, and those crucial to other ongoing relationships.
Friends With Benefits? Think Benefits of Friends
Pop-culture also approves of the concept of friends with benefits — as do I — when circumstances make it harmless and pleasurable to all concerned. But these days, I prefer to set aside the notion of friends with benefits in favor of appreciating the benefits of friends.
Consider these examples.
Your best buddy at the office is of the opposite sex. You chuckle your way through the worst assignments, and you have each other’s back when the boss is on a tear. Is there really any reason for a spouse to be jealous?
Maybe you confide in a longtime workout partner at the gym, another divorced parent in an activity-based meetup group, maybe even your ex-lover, ex-wife, or ex-husband — now well past the animosity of your break-up.
Common values, common interests, common hobbies. Empathy, history, trust. The ability to laugh together to lighten life’s stresses. Why must we assume that sharing any of these aspects of friendship with a person of the opposite sex will lead to an affair?
Friends With an Ex, Sans Ex-Sex?
While sex with an ex may be possible, it’s definitely not inevitable. When it comes to an ex and the romantic love is gone, isn’t it possible for the foundation of friendship to remain?
Now, if a husband or wife is spending more time with his or her best friend than with you, I might agree there is cause for concern regardless of the bestie’s gender or status as an ex. To me, this is a sign of an absence of shared activities or intimacy in the couple. Then again, even in that statement, aren’t I making assumptions?
Circumstances keep spouses and lovers apart — work, family issues, health issues, military service. Aren’t these instances precisely when supportive friends can help?
Of course we need to nourish our core romantic relationship if we have one. Of course there is a fine line to walk to avoid misunderstanding. And yes, if we find ourselves on our own and feeling vulnerable, we may imagine feelings that really have no place in a traditional (platonic) friendship.
31 Flavors of…
Friendship?
I’ve never found it to be vanilla. It comes in all flavors, like ice cream! Ditto on all styles, all degrees, all ages and stages and mix of genders… and more.
Friendship is an increasingly rare commodity in a chaotic world — a world too often fractured by coupling and uncoupling, by job-chasing cross-country and the demands of work, and lately, by the divisiveness of political differences. How many of us can afford to walk away from its benefits? Must we really deny ourselves a friend of the opposite sex for fear of the dreaded emotional affair? Or a partner’s fear that any sort of affair is an eventuality?
So I ask… While the “Harry Met Sally” model with its sweet, predictable dénouement may be satisfying to movie-goers, does it mislead us? Does it falsely promise that “love” (and sex) will bloom no matter what, and consequently, that men and women can’t possibly be “just friends?”
You May Also Enjoy
I, too, believe the opposite sex can be just friends. Of course, there are a number of variables here. However, if both have enough respect for each and their respective relationships, a mutual friendship between the sexes, is not only possible, but rewarding. But, most often, significant others want to satisfy all their partner’s needs, and there’s the problem. It really is a tightrope, that may not be worth walking. Too bad, if it’s a valuable friendship. I guess!
I agree! If even one of the partners is uncomfortable with the friendship, there’s going to be a problem. I think it’s a shame. But I do understand that many people fear emotional affairs, and they see them as inevitably resulting from a friendship. Besides which, I don’t see caring for people as a zero sum game. Others certainly disagree.
Buddhist philosophy, much of which I find helpful, tries to downplay the use of labels, the idea being that while they are a helpful conversational shortcut for representing complex ideas, we tend to forget all of the nuances that were shed in the process. We come to think of the simple representation *as* the complex object.
Friendship across gender is an instance in which this is especially true. I really have to agree with D.A.’s position that it isn’t a zero sum game. How did we get the idea that friendship (generically speaking) can’t include “more” than friendship, including outright emotional involvement, because it might interfere with a primary relationship?
I was listening to an NPR program about robots that people talk with and have very emotionally rewarding experiences (even intimate ones), despite the fact that the robots are obviously machines, sometimes of relatively primitive conversational ability. The show concluded with a discussion between a host and one of the creator/programmers on whether the machines were “alive”, or had intelligence or feelings. The host said no, they were obviously just machines; the creator said they were essentially alive.
In the case of artificial intelligence I think the important question is not about their essence, but what effect do they have. Do the participants benefit, while doing little or no harm to others? Let’s be realistic – everything in life has its pros and cons and needs to be evaluated thoughtfully, whether it be a real life opposite gender friend, an artificial intelligence “square headed friend” or just simple over involvement with the computer, television or sports.
Admittedly a cross-gender friendship can be dangerous territory (as is true with the square headed ones). It can also be rewarding and illuminating. And, more so than the device friendships, it can teach you an incredible amount about yourself, your preferences, your maturity, your partner and your marriage.
I think not admitting emotional involvement does a disservice to any kind of relationship, and particularly to friendships. When we deny emotional involvement, we are really denying the reason for existence of friendship at all. Why would we relate to someone on a long term basis if there were no emotional interchange? Really – What kind of friend am I (to anyone) if I am not emotionally involved?
I love that point you made about labels, Robert. That’s something we should keep in mind. “Effects” — also an interesting point that has me wondering about a lot of things. In any communication (or interaction, for that matter), this is always the intention and perception of the sender, the perception (and interpretation?) of the receiver, and I suppose, theoretically, the perception and interpretation of any other third party looking on. A potentially more “objective” view. Note I say potentially. Likewise in non-verbal communication and behaviors between people. Getting our wires crossed is always a possibility — it certainly occurs between spouses all the time, and between friends (in my experience) often enough.
Then there’s the “everything else” that embellishes or informs our receipt of a message — our varied cultural norms, our past experience, our moods, our own “baggage” on any given day. It’s a wonder that anyone ever understands another person and comes close to getting the right meaning.
You mention emotional involvement in friendship. Yes, of course. Without that, how is it really friendship? It’s faux-friendship, or what used to be called a fair weather friend back in the day… a friendship of convenience rather than of conviction and genuine feeling.
My question would be: how to know when an acquaintance actually becomes a friend?
Very good question, TD.
I completely relate and agree with Robert, “Really – What kind of friend am I (to anyone) if I am not emotionally involved?”; even as an internet human participant.
My perception is we all would appreciate being accepted as we are, who we are, as different or diverse that may be: not labeled as anything; but unique individuals.
Both my husband and I have friends who are opposite genders and this is a good thing. We totally trust each other and even encourage each other to maintain these friendships. In some instances, his female friends (some since college) have become better friends with me than with him. A mutual friend introduced us, and when I met him he had a square dance partner who was married but whose husband didn’t like dancing. I encouraged him to go dance when I had to work. At least one co worker was appalled and said she would NEVER trust her husband in that situation.
He meets a woman friend of his from grade school routinely for lunchtime walks and talks and I maintain a long distance friendship with a guy I went to college with (who is happily married with children and grandchildren.) Twice in our marriage my husband has noticed some flirty attention from a co worker and asked me to show up at work to demonstrate that he truly is taken. How many husbands would do that?
I think all of our opposite sex friendships bring a lot of joy to our lives, and perspective, and appreciation.