They had me at the title: “Good Neighbors, No Politics.” In a contentious presidential election cycle, do you talk politics with your friends? Your family? Your spouse?
I read this New York Times column with great interest, as it addresses neighbors divided by political differences. I couldn’t help but consider my own friendships — not to mention what happens when political arguments insinuate themselves into a marriage.
Must we learn to steer clear of divisive topics? Can political differences signal serious rifts ahead?
I recall when my husband — or should I say, ex-husband — made his position known during the 1992 election. It had never occurred to me to talk politics with the man I was marrying while we were dating, though now, that concept has me shaking my head.
I had watched as he routinely engaged in heated debates with friends and family. He felt strongly about politics, but at the time, I didn’t.
I did feel strongly about him. I knew his shortcomings (as he knew mine), and the fact that our political views dwelled at opposite ends of the spectrum seemed immaterial.
I was wrong.
I knew just how wrong when that first big fight ignited in the midst of our marital calm, as he insisted that I should vote the way he wanted me to.
I refused. As if it weren’t shocking enough (to me) that he thought he had a right to control my vote, it turns out our politics were indicative of our value systems — and the vast gulf between his world view and my own. We aren’t talking matters of tax rates or deficit reduction, but social policy; his “every man for himself” approach could not have been more different from my own “reach out and help” belief system.
At the time, we were in our thirties, both working in corporate America, and doing so in a stable economy. We had one baby and another on the way. We relied on a host of employer-provided benefits including medical and dental care, life insurance, short term disability, long term disability, and briefly at least -– the promise of a pension plan in addition to eventual social security.
That this economic (and thus financial) stability might change wasn’t even on the radar. In fact, it never changed for him; it altered dramatically for me some years later, when divorce and layoff hit simultaneously.
I have never fully recovered.
Perhaps the years that followed have deepened my inclinations toward the “reach out and help” approach. The reason is simple: I lived more than a decade of struggle, no longer enjoying the advantages of an employment relationship, and like so many — was cut off from “services” I once took for granted for myself and my children. If not for the help of others, the kindness of strangers to a large degree, I’m not sure how we would have survived.
The expression “there but for the grace of God” comes to mind; moreover, I am fully aware of how much worse things could have been. And even as many of us reflect on our good fortune (health, family, friends, work — if we are so lucky), shouldn’t we keep in mind that none of us is exempt from unforeseen hardship?
Looking back some two decades, I also view my original approach to marriage and parenting as laughable. Discordant marital expectations were at play from the beginning: When it came to division of labor and mutual professional compromise, I would characterize my expectations as impossibly naïve -– and impossible to achieve. I was the caretaker of the children, I was the one to take days off if they were sick, I was the steady presence in the household, and although my career continued, it was downshifted to a lower gear. This, in part, allowed my spouse to take the opposite route as he pursued his options more aggressively and freely.
I was okay with this arrangement initially, convinced I could “do it all,” and unaware of the repercussions that might come later.
Greater financial vulnerability. Narrower options in the job market. Extraordinary fatigue.
It certainly never occurred to me that our political differences -– which became glaring when we hit our first presidential election as a couple -– could indicate serious troubles ahead.
Politics as a predictor of marital harmony?
I wouldn’t have guessed it. On the other hand, it’s logical, isn’t it? Don’t our politics point to our value systems?
A few years back I read a provocative column by journalist Delia Lloyd, “How Diverse Are Your Friends Politically,” in which she takes on the issue of politics and friendships. She mentions differences in ideology, and how easily we make assumptions about those we know. That was a time before the rancorous threads on Facebook were quite so prevalent. That moment also marks the first time I connected the dots in my marriage — realizing that if I had paid attention to my future spouse’s political positions, I would have questioned our compatibility in ways that proved to be vital during our marriage… as well as in life after divorce.
Vigorous discussion over economic policies? That’s one thing. Over fundamental value-based social programs? A world view? Very different indeed. It’s so easy to talk about how to marry the “right” person without giving sufficient priority to value systems. And politics offer one way to measure whether or not common values exist.
Worth noting: In my dating experience in recent years, I’ve learned a thing or two. I don’t enter into a relationship with someone whose political views diverge dramatically from my own.
Given today’s polarized political climate, we may also find ourselves suddenly at odds with those we know online. It can get ugly. Very ugly. And without the benefit of seeing each other and hearing each other — operating purely by virtue of exchanges on the flat screen — we may assume too much based on too little; we may overreact.
Then again, we can just as easily find ourselves at odds with our carpool line acquaintances, fellow church members, the pharmacist with whom we’ve chatted pleasantly for years.
There is a purpose to our privacy as we mark our ballots. We draw those curtains closed for good reason: We each own our vote. To be swayed, goaded, or emotionally blackmailed into voting the way a spouse or lover or friend or congregation wishes — or parent or employer for that matter — is throwing away a fundamental right.
As for the conclusion that strong political opinions may highlight differences that will divide us in the future, that may indeed be true. Still, we shouldn’t forget that with time, just as life changes us, so too may our views on issues evolve. So, should we find ourselves in disagreement with a friend or neighbor, as the Times article points out, we can choose to keep mum, or to avoid potentially controversial topics altogether.
My preference? We can engage in some measure of debate (as well as listening to the other side) — and then, if preserving the relationship is important, know when to back off.
By way of example, I have a long-time friend whose position on a number of issues couldn’t be more different than my own, and yet she is certainly not a believer in “every man for himself.” On the contrary. She is kind, generous, responsible, compassionate. At moments, when politics comes up in conversation, I have to bite my lip, and I imagine she does, too.
Of course, she and I don’t live together, we don’t see each other daily, and we aren’t drinking morning coffee over the latest news or snuggling at night after shutting our tablets on our endless feeds. These days, I can’t imagine bringing presidential politics into the bedroom, or rather, political differences; as I said, I’ve learned that talking politics early in a relationship is a necessity. For me, certain topics are deal breakers. There’s no getting around it.
Yet when it comes to friends and neighbors, while I believe that politics reveals a great deal about a person, I agree with this statement from the Times editorial:
… People aren’t simply their political opinions, not even the most deeply held and sacred ones. Surely we are all so much more than the shrill conversation online implies…
Politics may, as in the case of my ex-husband, shine a light on facets of personality or behavior we might have wished to know sooner. After all, one’s politics reflect both cultural and personal values, enabling us to draw at least a few conclusions relative to how a person will interact with us over a lifetime of ups and downs.
But not always. The years have taught me that we are, all of us, far more complex than that.
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Such a great post, DA. While I can just about keep my mouth shut when I am around siblings, friends that I grew up with, neighbours etc who hold very diverse political views from my own. I’m not sure I could do that day after day in my own home…without exploding, that is. I agree that political views (on big issues) say a lot about what we value, and what we don’t. Pierre Trudeau, our former Prime Minister and father of our current one, once said that “there is no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation.” But political discussion… that’s a whole other thing.
Well said, Sue.
In my part of the country politics are heavily associated with cultural identity – rather than being thought driven, it is an almost primitive reflexive response of identification. Whereas in parts of the country people seem to be automatically progressive, people here seem to automatically see themselves as at least fiscally conservative. Traditionally there may not have been conscious thought about how they actually related to the conservative social positions, but since they thought of themselves as essentially conservative people, that is how they voted.
That still seems to hold true today, although the obvious movement of both parties to the right, sometimes extremely, is making it less likely that someone would continue to identify on the basis of their cultural history and current social circles, although many still do. I know many people, including fairly close friends, who are truly kind, giving people but identify with a party which advocates values and behavior which are completely at odds to their own.
That these people are able to compartmentalize their lives to this degree, living a schizoid existence in which the parts of their lives are not coherent, has made me want to make my life more coherent by reducing my circle of friends to those with whom I have more in common. The issues in this election, a natural culmination of trends which have been unmistakable to many, but invisible to others, are such basic markers of a person’s value system and the way they comprehend the world (or do not), that I’ve been driven to seriously evaluate what is important in my friendships. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I will be selectively reducing my friends of alternate views. Those whose repugnant views reflect their inner psychology I can separate from, there is no need for that in my life. On the other hand, those who are merely a bit uninformed, are non self-reflective, or who can rationally justify an informed position in a way I can respect, are people I can relate to and will continue to do so, even though I know I’ll need to be on guard against having my “buttons pushed”. I believe that the balance and process of the world depends on people having differing perspectives, including politically, so my own coherence demands I respect that as a matter of practice.
Closer to home, I’ve been fortunate. In the late seventies, when I was dating my wife, politics were not so bifurcated, nor were they on either of our radars. The first possibility for trouble came when I became more liberal, and began complaining about the other side. My wife, who had not been following political matters, responded that the other side consisted of basically good people, who I should respect. My response was that the positions had become so extreme that I could no longer respect the people who held them, especially in the case of public officials, or potential ones, who should hold more reasoned, sophisticated and responsible views. Consequently she started to research the issues, and as we discussed them we came to be more aligned and it is now almost all we talk about. But yes, knowing what I know now about how political orientation reflects a person’s perceptiveness, complexity and philosophy, it would be a primary determinant were I ever to be dating again.
I should note that I do still find it possible to respect opinions different from my own. There is a senator who I respect immensely due to the fact that he embodies concepts that I consider foundational, such as truth, honesty, civil discussion, and the sanctity of the social contract and the democratic process. He is not committed to having his side win at all costs, as he obviously understands that politics is a process, a collective working through and out of differing views.
But as to people who are committed to a primitive, win-at-all-costs philosophy, I have nothing in common with them and see no point in continuing to associate.
Interesting. I wonder what life is like day to day in the Carville household. I have seen some of the interaction and it is interesting.
The current ultimate reality show called the US election is truly polarizing to a point I would have never expected. The effect had not been unlike a civil war – brothers v brothers etc.
I think that people support certain parties or politicians for various reasons. When you have a two party system you have to swallow certain values and go with the closest to those values.
Right now in the USA it is so polarized I do not see mixing at all, never mind respect or even listening. It is truly a Gong Show, and certain third world countries are laughing and making fun of the US process. It is sad and bizarre.
So much gridlock. So little vision. So many intentional lies. So little focus on “we the people.” So little choice or input. Surely it has to effect relationships and the bedroom. “Not tonight honey I got a bad poll.”
I do think before I had my children political beliefs didn’t seem to have any impact within my relationships. Once I was a mother, my partner just followed me when I expressed any political view. When we split he continued this behavior and agreed with his new partner’s politics! Once I became one half of the partnership I am in now, we both found our take on the political world similar. It’s definitely one of the many reasons why our relationship has been so successful. Politics in some form seems to have an impact on the way you wish to live your life. As you get older time is more precious so the way you want to spend your time, more important.