• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Love / Mourning Your First Love

Mourning Your First Love

January 5, 2015 by D. A. Wolf 11 Comments

by David Stanley

D Stanley the Guys bwLeonard: No, no, no, would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it?
Raj: How hard did she stomp?
Leonard: Very hard.
Raj: Okay, I’m good.

First loves. There’s the first kiss in a darkened basement of a boy-girl party in sixth grade. That feels like love.

There’s the first real “let’s go do something together as a couple” date. That feels like love, too.

There’s the first night together when you wake up in the morning and you realize that you have no desire to undo the night before or sneak out and this person you’re laying naked next to is so special that your heart needs an entirely new vocabulary. That feels like love, because it may well be.

This first love is not like that at all. This first love is not giddy. It is not gleeful. It is not blithe and exuberant. This first love is sad and melancholy and wistful.

This first love is the first time someone you love passes away.

In many ways, I am, at 56, a very fortunate man. My parents are well. Whilst I understand that at 80 and 84, I could lose them at any time, my parents are healthy and sharp of mind. My wife and son are well. My son, at 22, is handling his move from adolescence to adulthood with far more aplomb than I anticipated. My sister is successful beyond belief. Of late, I see her smile far more frequently than I have for many years.

It is my brother that I miss. Michael died on December 14, 2012. He was killed by a fiercely virulent strain of oral cancer. I’ve lost other people in my life – my grandparents, my cousin Laura when I was twelve, my college buddy Jack, my good friend and colleague Al – but there’s no death like the first time a loved one dies – the death of a first love.

Michael is my baby brother. As it is written, the younger shall bear the brunt of the elder’s abuse, yet no one else shall be allowed to lay a hand upon the younger. When he was thirteen and I was sixteen, we were in an argument in the kitchen. I shoved him. He landed on the open door to the dishwasher. Somehow, the door did not get ripped off. It did provide Michael with a bit of a diving board rebound effect. As he popped back up to vertical, he grabbed a handy milk crate and sent it whistling towards my head at a reasonable and admirable velocity. I ducked. The dent it put in the drywall twelve feet behind me remained until my parents re-did the kitchen years later.

So ended our years of fighting. I realized Mikey was pretty damn tough. I wouldn’t find out how freakin’ tough until thirty-five years later when he went fifteen rounds with the squamous cell cancer that invaded his tongue and mouth.

Because he was my younger brother, I teased the crap out of him. Just the same, I was inordinately proud of his accomplishments. He worked for years as the soft goods manager at one of the Top 100 golf shops in the world. He was responsible for a huge budget – the buying and marketing of a vast array of golf clothing and accessories.

His employ also came with perks for me. Free range balls. Huge amounts of grief and free lessons on the practice tee from the store’s staff. As Michael’s older brother, possessed of a highly tenuous grasp on golf skills, I had a large target on my back. I wore it with pride.

I’d pop in to hit a bucket of balls on their practice tees. He’d be in meetings with his staff which would dictate policy on six and seven figure accounts. He’d give a listen to sales reps desperate for fifteen minutes of his time, because those reps knew that prime access in the store and on the website could bust a product into the golf world’s top ten. His success in the wildly competitive world of golf retail made me glow.

We enjoyed one of the great ironies of our lives together in that the more successful he became in his career, the worse his golf game became. With little time to practice, his game nosedived. This meant that for the last few years of our lives together, I was able to beat him. Not that I got any better, mind you. He just got worse.

He’d hook one so deep into the woods that not even a GPS would help. Standing baffled on the tee, he’d pause and say, “Listen. Hear that? That’s the sound of another 100,000 golf balls being stamped out. Oh, and hear that? That’s a dozen reps lining up to give me another dozen golf balls.”

Two years later, I miss my brother. Perhaps you’ve heard guys say, “Man, I love him like a brother.” I’ve had guy friends about whom I’ve said that. True enough, when one of them dies, the grief hits hard, but it passes, and your life goes on. When your brother dies, the grief hits harder, lasts longer, and recoils into your brain at the most inexplicable moments. The grief becomes wistful, and melancholy. It lingers.

Michael and I talked about being alte cockers (Yiddish for old farts) together. We’d sit on a porch with Rolling Rocks in hand, and argue about the best way to get from one part of town to another, just like our grandfathers did – “Sam, nobody takes that way anymore, I’m tellin’ you…”

“Ach, you’re full of crap, Carl!”

And we’d watch our grandkids playing catch.

That’s not going to happen. First love, damn you.

If you want to read about my brother’s heroic battle with cancer, go to my personal blog Rants & Mutters, and search for “Michael.” He was awesome. You’d have liked him.

 
D Stanley All the Guys

 
© David Stanley

 
David Stanley is a voice-over artist and writer, a musician, teacher & science geek, a coach, skier and bike racer. He writes on the oddities of life, sports, kids and education. You can read him at Dads Roundtable, The Good Men Project, or at his personal blog, Rants and Mutters. Follow him on Twitter @DStan58.

 
Part 3 of an essay series on First Love.

 

You May Also Enjoy

  • So What Are a Few Aphorisms Between Friends? (David Stanley)
  • It’s Good to Have a Guy (David Stanley)
  • Bound by Blood
  • Love Informed

 

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Love Tagged With: essays, first love, first love essays, Love, siblings, writing exercise

Comments

  1. LA CONTESSA says

    January 5, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    BEAUTIFULLY written……….. Am touched by the LOVE you had for your younger brother. I am an only child and will never know those kind of LOVES…………. but I did imagine them as a child. Now with my MOM almost 90, I wish I had a sibling to SHARE the highs and lows.

    Reply
  2. Missy Robinson says

    January 5, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    He sounds amazing and I can only imagine that nothing would take away the ache. I have heard it said that a sibling relationship is the longest bond most people share in a lifetime. You have shared how meaningful it can become and I’m glad to read your tribute.

    Reply
  3. vicki archer says

    January 5, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    I haven’t lost a brother but I have lost a nephew, several best friends and a parent… the loss is unbearable and never as hard as the first time…

    A wonderful piece, thank you for the melancholy… sometimes the sadness is so bittersweet… remembering the great against the loss… a contrast like no other… xv

    Reply
  4. Larry says

    January 5, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    Tough. That’s what it is. I’m sorry you won’t be alte cockers together. It sounds like the relationship you had was special and meaningful. It makes me want to call my brother.

    Reply
  5. Jennifer says

    January 6, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    Very moving piece!!
    I’ve lost both my parents and some dear friends, but I dread, simply dread the thought of losing my brother!! The bond built while growing up together is so special. I’m very sorry about Michael. I’m sure I would have liked him. It leaves an emptiness nothing and no one can fill. Thank you for sharing this.

    Reply
  6. Heather in Arles says

    January 7, 2015 at 9:17 am

    I just want to say thank you for this beautiful tribute to Michael. It moved me greatly in its simplicity and directness and yes, I am going to contact my Sister today to let her know how much I love her.

    Reply
  7. Tom says

    January 9, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    I’ll say it again. Fuck cancer.

    Reply
    • D. A. Wolf says

      January 9, 2015 at 10:16 pm

      Couldn’t agree more, Tom.

      Reply
  8. D. A. Wolf says

    January 10, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Beautiful, heart-felt, tragic. Your brother sounds like an incredible man. How fortunate you were to have him, and you honor him with your words.

    Thank you for taking part in this series, David.

    Reply
  9. madge says

    January 10, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    Loved this tribute to your brother.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Mourning His First Love, a Dad Says Good Bye to His Baby Brother - says:
    February 1, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    […] Originally published on Daily Plate of Crazy. […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT