Withholding is a very specific sort of psychological manipulation, and a fact of life for some of us. We may indulge in withholding behavior ourselves, or we may be on the receiving end; both occur most frequently, or so we think, in long-term relationships and marriage.
According to psychologists, withholding is typically motivated by two goals: to punish the other person, or to maintain the upper hand.
Like other forms of psychological manipulation, these behaviors are not always intentional. Most of us who occasionally withhold do so without realizing. We may be angry over something that was said or over some perceived slight. We aren’t fully aware that we’re pulling back or shutting down, much less why.
Once we do grasp the nature of our damaging behavior, most of us put these occasional (very human) lapses to right as quickly as possible. One partner speaks up and encourages the other to disclose what’s wrong; then we patch things up and try to do better.
Withholding Is About More Than Sex
What comes to mind when you hear the term withholding? Sex, probably. But denying physical affection — certainly serious and harmful — is only one way we manipulate those in our lives.
Withholding behaviors (in marriage) may take the form of clamming up, also known as the “silent treatment,” or a somewhat less obvious variation, which I think of as selective omissions.
LiveStrong.com offers a succinct description of typical marital withholding:
… Behaviors, such as silent treatment and withholding affection, often overlap. Both are forms of rejection, but they are actually two separate things. When your spouse gives you the silent treatment, she refuses to acknowledge your presence. When she withholds her affection from you, she is acknowledging you, but by pulling away from you or pushing you away.
As for how we respond to set things back on track? There is no single answer other than “it depends.”
Sometimes those closest to us withhold unconsciously and infrequently. So we talk things out and situations improve. At other times, withholding may be a pattern due to some deep hurt a partner cannot articulate. We may find ourselves cycling back to those issues of punishment and control, with a far more concerning set of behaviors to deal with.
Psychological Manipulation Defined
WiseGeek.com provides useful information in its definition of psychological manipulation:
… also known as emotional manipulation… a form of coercion or persuasion. It can involve brainwashing or bullying, and is usually deceptive or abusive in nature… employed in an attempt to control the behavior of others… Manipulative people… may believe that manipulating others is the best way to get what they want.
Also mentioned are a range of “crazy-making” behaviors, defined as follows:
Crazy-making usually aims to foster self-doubt in the manipulated person, to the point where some victims may in fact feel as if they are going crazy… A manipulative person might express approval or support verbally, while giving contradictory non-verbal cues… might even actively attempt to undermine certain behaviors, all while openly claiming to support or approve of them… even outright denial of any ill intent if confronted with their behavior.
Some of us may have a crazy-making parent. Some may have a crazy-making ex.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of these tactics? You really do feel like you’re losing your grip. And that could be how you appear to others as well.
Score two for the psychological manipulator.
Dealing With Psychological Manipulation
If you recognize that you’re being manipulated, how do you hold your own? Is it a matter of the manipulative person’s intentions?
What if you are a “Highly Sensitive Person”? Are you more easily manipulated? Or are you better equipped to recognize the nuance in a loved one’s behavior and put into practice some of the managing tactics mentioned below?
The best of the crazy-makers will create so much confusion, you will doubt what you’ve been told and you will find yourself unable to discern truth from fiction. You may attempt a confrontation – or reporting what you know to someone else you hope can help – but the psychological manipulator is adept (and convincing) at denial.
On dealing with a manipulative person, one source recommends:
- Keeping your eyes open – protecting yourself as best you can
- Taking distance to the extent it is possible
- Remaining calm; do not play into or escalate the drama
- Disconnect if possible (eliminate contact)
- Stay open to an improving situation in the future
Personally, I find withholding of honest, open communication to be far worse than the defection of affection. If this is all he or she is up to (and wishes to change), you can work to improve the situation. But when a parent, sibling, child or spouse plays with your mind by setting you to doubt your value and your judgment, the impacts can be devastating.
Consequently, that last item on the list above may be difficult if not impossible to accomplish. Once burned by the most skillful of manipulators, won’t we stick with self-protection? Aren’t we likely to be fooled again and again?
Withholding Sex
As for finding oneself on the receiving end of a husband or wife who withholds sex, it’s only natural to feel confused, resentful, rejected — and self-esteem takes a hit.
Some will blame themselves and say nothing. Some will look outside the relationship for sex (and say nothing). Some will ultimately leave the relationship.
If we know that withholding affection isn’t part of a pattern of manipulation, the reasons for sexual distance may be many and complex — and resolvable. They are worthy of an open (and nonjudgmental) airing if possible, and consultation with professionals as needed. Gently approaching the subject and discussing it may help, at least to break the ice and see what you’re dealing with.
Is it good news if conversation reveals that your spouse or partner is struggling with stresses, medical or emotional issues, or other reasons for sexual distance — rather than having an affair or reveling in control and mind games?
These are questions for each of us to consider in light of our experience and circumstances.
You May Also Enjoy
Devil’s advocate, here. In my experience when I need to step away, have cooling off time or need a space of time to myself to recover, manipulation is the last thing on my mind. I think that what many consider to be the “silent treatment” might actually be the inability to say anything at all. When I come away from a heated discussion or with my feelings hurt, I have to retreat in order to think about what just happened and to gain some perspective so that I can move on. Usually I have enough wits about me to say that this is what I need – a little time and space to myself. Some quiet. Even the need to leave for a walk or an errand to physically remove myself from the fray. Fortunately, my partner and family know this about me. I have never been accused of giving any one the silent treatment, even tho I back away and am silent.
I have been in relationships where withholding information WAS used in order to keep the upper hand, or for some reason I know not. That behavior destroys trust. Those relationships did not last long.
It does indeed destroy trust, Lunaboogie.
Stepping away or cooling off is good common sense. It protects you and others. Shutting down, refusing to speak for days on end, withholding affection or intimacy to punish is not retreat from a heated discussion. It is a refusal to engage in a heated discussion or, any discussion at all. That has been my experience anyway.
You can manipulate a situation in a manner that is beneficial to all or you can manipuate a situation in a manner that negatively impacts all. Sounds like your interactions are healthy.
Cooling off time isn’t the same thing as manipulation, it prevents escalation to something worse.
I’ve dealt with manipulative people and it’s not fun. Unhealthy people, using unhealthy tools to navigate their relationships are sad and I want no part of them. Great post!
Wish I could get there.
“….when a parent, sibling, child or spouse plays with your mind by setting you to doubt your value and your judgment, the impacts can be devastating.”
In relation to making you doubt your judgment, this may be more in the line of the “Gaslighting” form of manipulation (although it may also be inadvertent, if done by someone substantially disconnected from reality). In any case, you are correct that the impacts can be devastating, even if you are aware of the phenomena and the cause.
I think in my marriage of 35 years, my wife and I are doing it to each other and have been all along. As I started to read the report, I was reading it about my wife, and I started to realize it sounded a lot like me also. Is it possible for both of us to be like that and still be together? [Divorce pending] What are the chances that neither one of us knew what we were doing? Can it possibly be fixed?
Ralph, Thank you for this thought-provoking comment. I can only respond in my capacity as a divorced woman, interested in the subject matter — not as a psychologist or other counselor.
In my experience, it may take us many years to grow into awareness of our own feelings, motivations, triggers and behaviors. Even if aware, we may still fall into certain relationship dynamics that we would prefer not to. That said, I do believe people can change if they want to.
Your light bulb moment reminds me a bit of my own realization when I was thinking about my ex-husband as a loner. As I read and researched on the topic of loners, I began to see that I have some of the same characteristics myself, perhaps initially an element of compatibility, and over the years, a problem.
In my opinion, psychological manipulation, like so many other behaviors, has its advantages at times — and ‘moralistically’ speaking, I make that statement assuming an underlying beneficial goal — in one’s personal or business life. On the other hand, it is my experience that when this is the way we interact with the person we should be closest to, or for that matter, with our parents, siblings, children and friends, the negative impacts (to everyone?) will eventually catch up.
As I’m sure you realize, there are all kinds of mind games and ways to manipulate people. Is this the basis for a solid relationship? You already know the answer to that.
You also know that divorce is rarely the result of a single, isolated issue. Marriages are more complex than that. Some relationships become toxic (to one or the other partner) for any number of reasons.
Is divorce the only answer? The ‘best’ answer? The ‘best’ answer for one or for both?
The answers to those questions are different for each of us.
I will say that I see divorce as a last resort, especially if children are involved (and abuse is not), and assuming that both partners have tried to repair what is wrong. (Not easy. I know.)
Is there still good stuff in your family unit? Do you and/or your wife want to repair the marriage? Are you both able and willing to look at yourselves, each other, and your behaviors — and make changes — or at least try?
Only the two of you can answer that.
I wish you both all the best.
Loners – never heard that diagnosis before? You mean a Narcissist? 🙂
All loners aren’t narcissists! More on dealing with loners here.
What about women that have absolutely NO ability to be affectionate until they are 100% completely ready.
I’ve been turned away from quick fun kisses, hugs, even a brief conversation because she’s not ready.
and ONLY in her mind when she’s finally got all her little petty things done, will she actually be completely mad for me.
This is even after filling in a timespot for her, saving her 10 or 15 minute in the morning and just asking her to sit on my lap for a minute for a hug and kiss. “NO TIME”
Is that manipulative or is she just nuts?
Because life is finite, I suggest:
Friendzone the woman you speak of. Yes, men can friendzone women too, as long as they drop the connection to the prevailing ideology that posits otherwise. You then save the time you’d spend mulling over what’s going with her (it could be that nothing’s wrong with her too, you know) and put it towards pursuing women that will RECIPROCATE seduction or even ::gasp:: initiate it themselves.
As long as you’re a healthy enough, there is/are (a) woman/women somewhere that want you. Some don’t care about guys with money, some don’t care about age, etc… you get the point. They’re out there.
tl;dr – Shift the object of your desire to a mutual landscape. Do it.
Amazing article. I’m sad this has ruined my family and the man in question is of the worst kind so resistant almost paralyzed and tried to blame me for everything. What I learned is there is nothing you can fix about yourself that will in turn change another person. He is who he is and chooses to be disconnected to everything and everyone and it leaves him only thinking of himself. I can not love or respect such a selfish and emotionally immature man. Fatherhood did not change him, it actually just brought his inner child to the surface. No one wants to adopt a 33 year old infant with no manners or ability to grow. He’s walked out on his one year old and I will never let him back in my home again. He can continue visitation with his son. But I will never subject my friends, family, life or happiness to a withholder.
I’m dealing with this currently. It’s so upsetting. We’ve had back and forth arguments that aren’t so bad that I feel witholding any kind of affection is warranted. I certainly don’t hold on to the resentment to consider it. It confuses and hurts to the point of detachment, I’m sure, in the near future. I am able to let go of any hurt and realize things get rough in human relationships. I jus don’t understand how using this kind of control, in his mind, would make him think he’ll get what he wants from me in the end. It’s actually causing the opposite.
I too am dealing with this, been married 24 years, it’s been ongoing, the man is 55 years old and acts like he’s 8. I’m worn out… and no longer give in to his emotional withholding tantrums. And then he has the nerve to say I’m the one withholding. A billion times over the years I have given up let it slide and just love him. But gradually for whatever reason he begins pulling away and does not return the love I’m giving, which pushes me away until I eventually am no longer loving on him. Then when he notices… the tantrum silent treatment begins… and NEVER will he ever talk about any of it, he wants to hug and believe all is well. WELL NOT ANY MORE IT ISNT. I don’t like being married to an 8 year old. I want a mature man who knows how to love the woman he is blessed to have.
I am living the exact same life as you. I’ve been married 22 years. Same thing. I too, am emotionally and physically exhausted. Divorce is bandied about frequently. But neither of us will make that first move. It will have to be me. That way he can play the victim, which is what he wants to do anyway.
Feel free to reply back if you need a shoulder or just to vent. I totally get it.
Me too. So exhausting. Your last statement “That way he can play the victim, which is what he wants to do anyway” really hit home. He did the same thing with his first wife. And now it’s happening to me. If you’re still in this predicament let me know. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I have experienced the withholding and what I believe to be manipulation for two years now and it is just plain unpleasant. I could not agree more that Mutuality is of the utmost importance.
In a physical sense, she states that no sex before marriage due to her personal beliefs (although I have seen no evidence that she strictly practices a religion). However, I also of course respect her decision and therefore do not attempt to cross this boundary.
I have previously attempted to discuss issues regarding finances with her, as we would like to put our resources to purchase a home together. These conversations have ended up with me being told that I am asking inappropriate questions. Her and her sibling are paying their own immediate families mortgage which will take many years to clear; I feel that if I am about to embark on creating our own family together then I have a right to ask how this will affect us.
I sold my own property in order for us to move forward together; although longer term the move is beneficial, in the shorter term I am now living with family and paying costly storage for my belongings. She has recently decided to take on the full responsibility of her family’s mortgage in order to help release her sibling, who was struggling to be approved for her own mortgage. My surprise came when she told me that this happened 6 weeks ago. When I suggested that she was being selfish and withholding important information from our relationship, she disagreed. She is clearly an empathetic and caring soul who is wanting to support her entire immediate family, but sadly to the detriment of our own relationship.
Opinions would be welcome but I am just licking my wounds while I consider the future.
Dan – I’m reluctant to say more, but I would not put so much stock in what you see as empathy and caring. There are other factors which can look like that, and they aren’t necessarily good. When you put that possibility together with the fact that she doesn’t consider you worth keeping informed, I would think carefully.
A therapist couple I used to see had a relationship status they called “Carrying the Luggage”. It seems your intended puts her family ahead of you, and your prospective role is to merely carry her luggage (and potentially her family’s).
Dan, Keep in mind this is only one woman’s opinion from my own long life experiences, offered in kindness for you to work through as to what is best for you and only you to consider, as welcoming others for insight and wisdom.
I also agree with Robert with “Carrying the Luggage” concept that there are some (both women and men) to whom marriage is a financial means for themselves and other family members, guardianships or adoptions. I will add marriage doesn’t guarantee sexual intimacy for either the man or the woman. However, I do not see this particular woman displaying such intent, but rather communicating her desire for privacy.
“These conversations have ended up with me being told that I am asking inappropriate questions.”
Especially, “I sold my own property in order for us to move forward together…”
You are indeed asking very appropriate questions as you’re displaying an intent of marriage, building a life with a future together. All of which takes multiple intimate conversations about the depths of one another.
I relate to where you are now as I was in your shoes making the steps, many steps for two years to build a future with a person I loved dearly only to get to a place of realization that I wanted marriage with him, but he in-fact truly did not want marriage with me. I was the person who broke off the year of engagement to marry as he simply couldn’t make the steps it ultimately takes. I do know that he loved me and his intent was never to hurt me.
But sometimes, within all the joy and happiness of being together, and compatibility, sometimes love hurts; and we walk away with the memories of its beauty.
How will I know the difference between “it’s never gonna happen, emotional intimacy,” and “be patient; he’s a cautious man, it will come.”
Our situation: we’re both older, we’re both so glad we found each other, and the relationship is what we both seem to want. It’s fun and satisfying. No games, no intentional manipulation, all looks good. We’re 6 months into our relationship and spend most of our time together.
So what’s the problem? I am constantly frustrated by his emotional verbal silences. He does NOT tell me how he feels about me, though he seems to enjoy being with me. It is not just a case of “he’s in introvert; but he does open up sometimes” — NO. Really, virtually NEVER!!
Exception: after a fight, he will tell me something sincere from the heart. But I’m not going to engineer fights so that I can have him say something loving. I really do need SOME verbal affirmation. It’s crazy-making. I decided that I can live with half of my needs being met, but not 2%.
He’s very physically affectionate but does NOT TALK during sex (seriously: I mean nothing!), never whispers a sweet nothing (though I do: it comes naturally). He does not reveal his heart in words, does not tell me his feelings for me, does not even tell me I look good. If I ask, he’ll mumble a 1-word answer. Once he told me he’s afraid of saying the wrong thing; I told him he’d be fine: just say anything! But he doesn’t.
I am an extrovert; he’s an introvert. I get that. I have asked him gently, often, to please talk to me, say something romantic, that it really makes me happy etc. Always in a nice way. I try not to badger him.
Yes, he is protecting himself emotionally, I get that. He was badly betrayed by first wife, I get that. But that was years ago. So why, when I ask, does he simply refuse to say a word of affirmation to me? Why wouldn’t he do a simple thing that would make me happy? Is this a bad omen?
I’m not an insecure person; I have good self-worth, but this is frustrating and makes me crazy.
Any help is appreciated. There is lots of wisdom in your column, thank you!
Hi Jane,
I read your post. Here’s what I propose to you: If you are frustrated now, how will you feel 10, 20 years fm today? Really? Be honest.
I wasn’t honest with myself for 31 years. Now, as many women are posting, they are choosing to leave, as I am, that frustration behind, and we are choosing Belief in Our own Self. Just like men, who in the movies are portrayed as always first of all following their star. Guess what, wake up! We as women can follow our own individual stars. Does that mean each of us will find true loves? I don’t know and sometimes I don’t even care. There, I said it. Of course most of us believe we may find someone very special. And if that’s your intention it may very well happen. I’ve decided, as many male characters in movies & plays, to be the main protagonist in my life. To follow my passions; I’m a therapist who loves to study the fine crafting of human interchange and propose ways to alter communication paths that may not be working for individuals, couples, groups; I play and play lots ‘o tennis; I’m learning French; getting reacquainted with female and male friends fm my past. That’s my plan; to engage in life! Start online businesses, read Tim Ferris’ book again!
BUT I do not have any more time for a husband who doesn’t engage with me in all that life has to offer, even the conflicts.
You will do what you do. That’s the truth. You may read what others are saying, even maybe temporarily entertain our words. You will choose to do what to do. I wish you safe travels.
I’m with a man like him. Trust me when I tell you, it wears you down to the point of no self-esteem. It will not matter to someone like him who you are, or how much you try to show love to him. Hurt by his ex-wife? Ummm, I think he is showing you that a leopard never changes his spots. If you try to manipulate back it gets worse. My best advice, find someone who you know for certain can show you love. You deserve it, so do I. Good luck.
You sound like me. I married a man just like that. I showered him with compliments and affection for decades and got little in return. Little interest in or appreciation of me. He withheld emotional affection and didn’t back me up on discipline issues with our kids (packed empatgy). I was young and too insecure to call him on it when we were dating. Sex was selfish too. But over time the pendulum swung and I recognized it was messed up. I recently found out he also withheld a lot of financial plundering – large cash withdrawals, gambling, raffle tickets in the tens of thousands. Divorcing him now after 25 years and 4 kids. I’m curious if you stayed with him. I’d advise against it.
Can absolutely identify! He was completely withdrawn and would not even look at me or any of my family memebers if we spoke though was engaging with other people. I distinctly remember sweeping the floor talking about the poster board I had tacked to my sons wall for learning his ABCs and as I’m speaking, he began turning the volume up on the television…a Back Street Boys documentary of all things. I quickly shut my mouth and did so for many years as he remained distant and cold though anything he ever had to say was a twisted and inaccurate depiction of me which I eventually began to believe. It wasn’t until a trauma experienced during a situation with my mother that I began to actually reflect and analyze the situation. He would come home from work and go straight to the bedroom and close the door to watch TV as I took care of the children alone and would only surface for food. Intimacy was, “you might as well take your panties off” before getting into bed. I became withdrawn retreating into my own world. Isolation is not healthy. Everytime he believed that I was going to leave, he would attepmt to change though would revert back to the same behavior each time worse than the last. When I would beg and plead with him to engage, he would try and paint the picture that he was indeed an active participant in our lives to the point that I began marking on the calander days he would stay in the room until it was literally every day so began marking days he would surface just to keep my own self sane in the process (this is also something my mother would do when I was growing up though the horrors of her surfacing were completely terrifying…I began to think since he knew this, was mimicking her abusive behavior to keep me paralyzed) Anyhow, we tried counseling to no avail. I am now 2 1/2 years out of the marriage and have been no contact with my mother for many years. Taking the time for self reflection to prevent the same patterns is important!
Withholding. My husband withholds information. All kinds of information. Even when he is giving me directions how to get somewhere. He is doing it to sabatoge me. Like make me get lost. He withholds information so that whatever it is, It will make things harder for me, if not impossible. He wants to make me feel miserable.
An ex girl friend recently came back into my life. After 12 years of being apart, I finally read the words I longed to hear…… I loved you then and I still love you. Actually the words were only texted to me. Also, she admitted to being part of the problem when we broke it off so long ago. However, I have yet to see her face or hear her voice. She “loves” me but cannot meet for coffee or talk to me on the phone. After several weeks of this psychological manipulation I exploded. Who in their right mind says I love you but I’m not ready to see you yet, and cannot even talk on the phone. After talking with a counselor about this behavior I see how sick the behavior is and I am disconnecting. I absolutely was still in love with this woman but now I am not sure how I feel and I am slightly afraid of this person. It broke my heart and she wounded me deeply. I finally lashed out with a verbal assault but I wish I had not done that….. it was brutal. But psychological manipulation is equally brutal and I would’ve never hurt her had I not been backed into a corner. The only solution is to never volunteer for this type of treatment and manipulation again. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if her behavior is intentional or unintentional. Enough is enough. I was totally unaware of what was happening because I had not seen this behavior before and would not wish it on my worst enemy. I now know she has hurt others and I pray to God she gets help and never ever comes back into my life. It’s just an extremely sad situation and she lost me for good this time, and sadly that probably isn’t what she really wants. I’m glad I’m not the manipulator. This person will likely end up alone for the rest of her life and I feel bad for anyone who crosses her path in the future. It will not be me.
My spouse and I are currently separated and though he threatened to ‘definitely file’ for divorce for more than seven years, he claims (now that I’m on board with the idea) that he’ll ‘never file’. Huh? Confusing! This is a person who has been so controlling that he will do things like walk off in a crowded theme park to get himSELF an ice cream cone, angry because I dared to ask the young man with the broom where we could FIND the ice cream stand so he could get a cone! I guess I needed to get permission before asking where the ice cream was sold! A half hour later, sure enough, he reappeared licking the cone he’d bought, never thinking to bring me anything. Well, the kids are all 18 and older (note, I hung in there deliberately to avoid custody issues). Despite lots of prayers and hope that things would turn around, I’m through with his emotional abuse and manipulations. As he told me back in 2009 when he angrily declared for no reason before walking out on the kids and me, “Make no mistake about it. I’m DONE!” He should have been careful what he wished for ‘cuz now he’s gonna get that wish! Happier days lie ahead and God’s helping me see the light at the end of this tunnel. Prayers and (((HUGS))) to all of you who are dealing with an emotional abuser. You have my sympathy.
Identifying manipulation is the key before these people truly destroy the rest of your life. Manipulators start off with very subtle phrases that create a sense of challenge, guilt, shame and blame. If they say, “you don’t love me” or “you really don’t care”, it’s an attempt to get you to prove you care by doing what they want. If you express genuine concern, they invalidate it or make you sound stupid, silly or embarrassed for saying it. If you do something good for them, they accuse you of doing something bad, true crazy making. This is because the good thing you did, challenges their ego. They demand you solve a problem they created that they don’t really want solved or doesn’t really exist, at least not in the way they portray it. They may state that the child did something maliciously, yet whatever was done, was not malicious and was intentionally misrepresented by her! This is done to escape some incident he or she did that they feel guilty for. If they can make you yell at the kid for the wrong reason, you’re now the bad guy.
Out of all that I have read on the subject, this description hits most close to home. Thank you.
I’m exhausted living with a narcissitic man. He withholds everything he possibly can. And for an indefinite amount of time. His rage. His constant seemingly never ending silent treatments. My apologies for something I didn’t do and 1/2 the time am clueless about. Him attempting to turn everything around and blame everyone else. He’s always the victim and never the villain. He looks you dead in the eye and lies. That’s ok…See where it has gotten him… He has only his young daughter left because she hasn’t seen the extent of his lunatic mind yet.
I have exactly the same issues with my wife. Ironic, I thought I was the only one that had this type of stuff to deal with all this time.
Out of all these men described in the comments, I’m the opposite. I have tried for years to show my wife affection and how much she means to me but she always says I’m being a big babysitter, to show some affection. We had 2 sons which are grown now but even back then there were times I almost had to her down to have any intimate times together. I have always been a faithful husband and never even thought about cheating on her. But she has always used the silent treatment and there has never been a single open honest conversation because if I bring up anything about us being closer or missing the intimacy she gets angry and screams and then does not talk to me for weeks at a time. It makes me feel worthless and useless and like I’m being punished for something that I didn’t do. Since we reached our fifties this has been the most depressing and loneliest last 5 yrs of my life, I am completely lost and do not know what I have done to make her pull back and not show any type of affection.
I still enjoy sex and lay there at night and on the weekend wanting to touch her and make love to her but it’s like I said the feeling is not mutual evidently.
I’m not really understanding the difference between walking away from hurtful, abusive situations and giving the silent treatment/withholding. It seems like the only clear difference is the intention of the absent or silent person – which is completely impossible to prove one way or the other. So the whole issue seems kind of arbitrary and subjective to me. I want to know what the difference is because I frequently withdraw when abuse happens or when I am extremely upset. I often take long breaks from dealing with people and have been accused of “punishing” someone by taking a break from interacting. I don’t really know what to think about it at this point other than I think it’s kind of an individual preference when it comes to what’s a healthy break and what’s withholding or withdrawing for “too long”…?
What if you just genuinely don’t have the energy to engage with people who treat you like crap anymore, so you ignore them? I feel like I don’t owe anyone my attention, let alone people who actively insult and abuse me. But I’m supposed to unfailingly muster the strength to acknowledge them and explain and justify and walk them through it because it soothes them and make them comfortable or something… I don’t really get it. I shouldn’t have to explain a million times why what was done or said to me is abusive, cruel and is not ok. I should be able to just wash my hands of the person and not interact with them anymore. If that means I’m “punishing” them…I guess I don’t care. As long as I don’t have to deal with their abusive bs anymore, then fine.