What if you find yourself forty, divorced, and with no parents or children? How do you deal with what life throws your way, when you seem to be out of sync with everyone else?
Most people my age are part of the “sandwich generation” – squeezed between the constant demands of marriage, children, and aging parents. Their schedules are packed with family birthdays, school activities, college visits, and holiday planning. My schedule looks nothing like that, which all too often leaves me feeling like chopped liver – without the bread.
For better or worse, I’m in a vastly different place in life than 99.9% of my forty-something contemporaries. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be isolating. And feeling isolated is familiar to me.
As a child, I grew accustomed to feeling like I was on the outside looking in. As far as I knew at the time, I was the only ten-year old who had watched her father die. I was the only fifth grader who went home after school to an angry, clinically depressed, despondent widow. I couldn’t relate to my grade-school friends, whose biggest troubles in life were deciding which new toy to buy with their allowance or who to invite for a sleepover. I always wished my life were more “normal.”
Looking ahead and imagining my adulthood, I pictured something far different from my reality today. I assumed I’d be one of the first of my peers to get married and have kids. Then, I could start a brand new life, free of my mom’s anger, criticism, and alcoholism. If I couldn’t bring my father back and restore what had been lost, I would create my own new happy family.
But life had other plans for me. I married at age 30 – the wrong guy – and kids were never to be. I felt like a failure, without the family that would resemble everyone else’s, and that I imagined would make my life complete.
So here I am, still on the outside looking in. I have friends without kids, and I know many people who have lost a parent, but few who have lost both, even among friends much older than I am. I don’t think I know anyone personally who has no parents and no children.
At one point I considered starting an online community for people like me. Something like FortySomethingChildlessOrphanedDivorcees.com. But I’m fairly certain my subscribers would consist solely of me, myself, and I.
Instead, I’ll share a few lessons I’ve picked up from my situation. My circumstances may be relatively unique, but the feelings of loss, insecurity, worry and stress are something most of us experience at some point, certainly during midlife.
1. No matter what your relationship with your parents is or was, you will miss them when they are gone. While there are exceptions, for most of us, losing a parent hurts, whatever your relationship. I’ve lived almost a quarter of my life without parents, and I still miss them. Even if you only have one parent left, you’re fortunate.
2. No one loves you like a parent does. They may express it awkwardly, but most parents love their sons and daughters unconditionally. Trust me when I say that I’d settle for some of my mom’s worst parenting rather than no parenting at all. On her worst days, and there were many, I still knew how much she cared.
3. You won’t remember as much as you think after they are gone. Memories fade, so get busy making as many memories as you can while you can. Be sure to record them in photos, journals, and videos. Interview your parents and document their stories. A significant piece of your family history dies when your last parent departs, and you can never get it back.
4. Spend quality time with your loved ones, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Be grateful for what you do have, not bitter for what you don’t. Don’t wish your life away with “destination-ism,” i.e. “I’ll be happy when I __________.” Find reasons to be happy today with your life now.
5. It’s scary not having a ‘safety net’ at any age. Even if you never had to use it, when the parental safety net is gone it feels a bit scary. Fortunately, I didn’t need to call on my mom for help very often, and when she helped, there were often strings attached. But ultimately I knew she would be there for me. After she died, I felt like I was in free-fall, with no one to catch me ever again.
6. You may feel some relief and freedom, and that’s okay. After I got over the intense sadness and grief of losing my mom, I started to feel something totally unexpected: relief, and freedom. I initially felt guilty about these feelings. According to Death Benefits, by Jeanne Safer, these feelings are normal and not unusual.
7. There’s freedom in being child-free, too. While I don’t have anything to compare my child-free lifestyle to, I can recognize that not having to raise children can have its benefits as well. This may not be what I would have chosen, but I haven’t had to deal with the emotional roller coaster of raising kids, or the financial squeeze so many of my friends go through.
8. Milestones, good or bad, are tough when you’re flying solo. Who do you call when you get a promotion, buy a house, or celebrate a big birthday? What about receiving bad news or winding up in the hospital? For me, this has been a tough year of relocation, divorce, health issues, and other personal challenges. On the one hand, I wish I had a mother or father who would listen and assist. Conversely, I see my assumptions about relationships. My own mother probably wouldn’t have done many of these things with me even if she were still alive.
9. When facing challenges, social media can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Depending on the day and mood, social media can bring comfort, smiles, and community. If I write about my parents, it’s helpful when everyone chimes in with their memories of them. Friends who have lost a parent can express their feelings, and I can offer support and understanding. Other days, it’s bittersweet to see “happy posts” and photos of parents proudly displaying their children and grandchildren. Especially around the holidays, others enjoying family time makes my sense of loss more pronounced.
10. Change your perspective with positive thoughts and self-talk. To combat feelings of failure, loss or loneliness, I focus on the positives in my life – a career I that affords me independence, and flexibility that comes in having no parents and no children. I can view my life as child-free and parent-free, as opposed to childless and parentless, and I’m sure there are many in the sandwich generation who would love to have my abundance of uninterrupted time. I also look at the positives in a wonderful relationship, and I am truly grateful for that, and for my friends and family who have helped me through tough times. Surrounding yourself with optimistic, supportive people helps to maintain a positive outlook.
The bottom line is this. Let’s cut each other some slack! Everyone is shouldering a burden of some sort. Many people are facing much tougher circumstances than I have – financial dramas, serious illness, caring for sick children, and caring for aging or dying parents. I admire their endurance, and I pray for them.
We never know what battles people are fighting by looking at them or even knowing them. So couldn’t we suspend judgment and show them some kindness? And give yourself a break too – loving yourself despite failures or setbacks.
In a way, this is like parenting each other and ourselves – with a show of unconditional love.
© Andrea Clement
Andrea Clement Santiago is a career advice columnist, writer, and communications professional with a background in medical sales, training, and healthcare recruiting. She is the Guide to Health Careers for About.com. She has contributed to books, journals, websites and has made media appearances on television and radio. Visit her blog, No Parents No Problem. Follow Andrea on Twitter at @AndreaSantiago, or connect with her on LinkedIn.
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This definitely has me re-thinking about some of my own ‘woe is me’ thoughts of late. “Don’t wish your life away with “destination-ism,” – so true! I’m trying to live ‘in the now’ but it is a struggle since I’m such a planner. At the end of the day, we just have to be grateful for what we have. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this article. It is really honest and affecting.
Great article. It’s always good to get a different perspective on life issues rather than hearing my own recording on ‘repeat’. I often wonder how I will feel upon losing either of my parents. I’m trying now to create quality time with each of them in spite of some rocky patches we’ve had in recent times. This article reaffirms my goal. Thanks, Andrea.
Wow! What a poignant and thought provoking article. My husband and I are DINKs – Double Income / No Kids. I admit to getting caught up in the ‘woulda-coulda-shouldas’ of life when I really do have MUCH to be thankful for; namely that our parents are alive although my husband lost his father several years ago. Most people our age have raised their kids and now have grandkids therefore they do not have the carefree lifestyle we have, if you want to call it that! Is it really carefree when we watch them with their families?
Lately, things have seemed lonely because our family is half a country away so our friends here are our ‘family’ while we try to maintain our family ties via long distance.
Some think we are lucky not have that ‘pull’ on our time yet we would love that as time is precious and our parents are cherished. And who knows when their time is up….
I have a friend who just divorced with no kids. Thanks for the reminder to give her a call.
Andrea
Thoughtful as always.
I always planned and played the long game. My life was exciting and hectic. So I was able to do this most people never do. That said I did not really appreciate and enjoy it.
Life is too short. I have learned this and your post reaffirms this. We really have control over our minds and a certain extent our choices. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, I have seen other peoples hardship and the random cruelty of the world as a young man. It made me appreciate what I had.
At the end of the day life is about experiences and relationships. How and what we choose to do is up to us.
Thank you.
Very well-said, Curtis – thank you!
Oh I loved this, Andrea. Thank you! I have a daughter who is single and child free. She is 31. She is not parent-free (obviously, right?) I tangibly feel her loneliness sometimes. And most of the time she’s valiant and accomplished and a light in my life. I so appreciate your perspective. I still have both my parents but lately my mother has been slipping, had a serious surgery and is not as physically able to do so many things – and yesterday in meditation – thoughts of her surfaced from I have no idea where and I cried like a baby at the thought of losing her – for the very reason you’ve mentioned here – the unconditional love. I don’t know that anyone, ever, loves us like that, except our mothers. This is a beautiful piece of writing.
Barbara, thank you so much for your insight. Your daughter is so lucky to have you, as is your mother! Wishing you all the best, and much happiness to enjoy together with them.
Well, you can add me to your club.
I lost both my parents 4 years ago and this year, at age 50, my husband left me for another woman. We had no children. Additionally, I’m an only child.
While I’ve always been pretty independent, the complete lack of immediate family has left me at times frightened in ways I never could have imagined. I cope by trying as hard as I can to rebuild a family-like structure with friends old and new, and to live in the moment whenever possible. But there’s no getting around the fact my life – and my perspective – is forever changed. The loneliness can be overwhelming and so difficult to express to well-meaning friends. My only hope is to work through it and hope the pain lessens over time.
Andrea,
This article echoed all the fears I have about being divorced, 56 and no kids. My parents are still alive though the relationships are very strained to non-existent. I have siblings, but no one is close (emotionally or geographically) and we have been at odds most of our lives. I know that I can’t force things to be better, so I try to cope as well as I can. Still, as strained as it is with my parents, I know without a doubt that it will be very traumatic when they die.
The point about having no safety net, nor anyone else on the planet that loves you like a parent, haunts me continually and it is a terrifying thought at times. The loneliness of knowing that no matter how alone I feel now, it will not compare to how it will feel when they are gone, is stunning at times. I’ve woken in the middle of the night stricken with fear about how my life will play out with no one to catch me if I fall. I never expected to feel this way when I was younger and enjoying my chosen independence. I think that I always thought things would naturally fall into place in time and I wouldn’t be in the last half of my life alone with family relationships worse than ever. I now have little hope that things will improve with my siblings when my parents are gone. At best we will probably drift away from each other even further. They both have their own families, so they really have no idea how this feels to be alone with these challenges.
Although it’s sad to know that anyone else has these feelings and experiences, it is also heartening to know that I am not alone in the position that I find myself at this stage in my life. They say that how your life turns out is all about the choices you make. I think there is a lot of truth in that, but in my own life, it also feels that many things led me here in some “fated” way that I had no control over, almost as if I was supposed to have this experience, as if “all roads lead to Rome”. I feel that life is a very complicated web of events, people, choices, and serendipity, and there is no simple formula to follow to ensure the very best outcome for yourself.
Thank you for sharing your story with the world. Many needed to hear it. Blessings