It hasn’t happened to me often. Backstabbing. You know what I mean – the stereotypical behavior of women betraying other women – with gossip, with actions, with trash talk.
With whatever they can lay their hands on… short of actual sharp objects.
Sure, in high school I remember one instance of a friend absconding with a boyfriend who wasn’t a boyfriend at all. The most he was to me at the time was a crush. But she knew it and her actions hurt.
In my professional life, I have a distinct memory of a perky, smiling, All American Gal who befriended me, sucked me dry for information, then maneuvered behind my back and nudged her way into my job.
Others saw it happening. Women, not men. One even warned me, but I was convinced the woman in question and I were friends, I was confident in my qualifications and performance, and I told my concerned colleague she was misreading the signs.
She wasn’t. I was.
Misjudging Our “Friends”
When we’re still wet behind the ears, it’s one thing to misjudge our friends, including who is and isn’t a friend at all. When we’ve been around the block a few times, romantically or in the working world, a misjudgment of this sort can be all the more painful – and devastating.
Somewhat more recently, I was taken in again. The situation involved masterful manipulation, a canny sense of what I needed to hear, expert awareness of my need to provide a “helping” role, and I never saw what hit me. An opportunity was nabbed right before my eyes – or nearly. The result was a financial blow, but far worse – the sense of betrayal.
While that incident was several years ago now, even the memory still stings. The incident reminded me of my own tendency to take others at face value, ignoring the possibility of hidden agendas.
Shame on me for misjudging.
Shame on her for betraying my trust.
Aggressive Behavior? Passive-Aggressive?
So what is it that makes women backstabbers? Are they no more devious than men on average, but we make more of it when they are? Is the phenomenon of indirect aggression (competitiveness?) a matter of cultural conditioning? Organizational survival? Something else?
Are backstabbers different from Trash Talkers and gossipers? Is there any legitimacy to the so-called studies that claim women are biologically wired to behave in these sometimes seemingly Machiavellian ways?
A definition is called for. If we’re seeking to understand “passive-aggressive” behavior, try this from Wiki:
… The indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, hostile jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
That doesn’t sound like backstabbing and trash talking to me. Passive-aggressive behaviors are common among spouses, sadly, but I’d say it’s not applicable here.
But there is an element of aggression, or at least, a dismissal of concerns of fair play and detachment from the relationship involved.
Are Women Manipulative? Evolutionary Psychology
Some say women are biologically inclined to engage in manipulative behaviors to take a rival down. An assortment of studies claim this is a matter of evolutionary psychology. I might disagree. And I wouldn’t be alone in that disagreement.
The phenomenon that one article refers to as indirect aggression, especially evident in women, seems as though it is learned and not something that is (gender) inherent. In fact, this same source debunks the idea foisted by the media that women are somehow “destined” to be bitchy, backstabbing, and unworthy of each others’ trust.
In fact, the article concludes:
If confrontation were more culturally acceptable for women, mistrust and passive aggressive behavior might dramatically decrease.
Sniping? Griping? Enough With the Sexist Hyping!
I won’t say I never gossip. That wouldn’t be true. I will say I rarely gossip; it’s not how I was raised and nor is part of the circles I frequent.
Trash talk?
I may watch the Real Housewives, but the cutting remarks and double dealing get old – fast. And once again, I can’t abide anything like it in real life.
The Washington Post took exception to related articles on female evolutionary psychology as well, stating:
These claims aren’t just irresponsible because they reinforce sexist and pernicious stereotypes about women. They also undermine the work of credible evolutionary psychologists. Feminists find ourselves clashing with evolutionary psychologists when their work reinforces the same traditional gender roles that we’re working to dismantle.
Amen!
Learned Behavior by Women?
Clearly, my experience demonstrates run-ins with women who think nothing of befriending someone in order to manipulate, maneuver, and then take what they can. Backstabbers. It isn’t that men don’t engage in comparisons, competition, and ladder-climbing behaviors; they do. The style(s) may be less personal, or we may simply perceive them as such.
For myself, when my inner dialog wanders into catty comparisons – it happens occasionally – I chide myself and stop. This is a matter of breaking a bad habit.
Fortunately, I am inclined to assume a trust with women that is nearly automatic, as I feel we must support each other for our own good.
So color me disappointed in my own fair sex when I see anything less than direct handling and fair dealing. With so few encounters of the backstabbing sort, I am aware of great circle of friends and colleagues in general, who know their competence and keep the bigger picture in mind. I’m happy to say as much because I continue to hold women to higher standards than men. Take that as you will, but I consider it a reflection of the value I place on my own gender.
Your experience with backstabbers, trash talkers, and manipulators – of either sex?
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I often wonder about this phenomenon and have seen it in action too many times. From the workplace, to the neighborhood streets, to schools, and just about anywhere, it seems that so many women are hard-core and cut-throat towards other women. Meanwhile, men are constantly lifting each other up, helping each other out, and carrying one another to the top. In my experience, working in a male-dominated industry, I blame the “Good Ole’ Boy” culture and network, which is still very active in most companies and environments including politics, academia, medicine, and corporate culture. In many industries, there are plenty of opportunities for men to get promoted. They know that if they help a buddy (or 2 or 3), it will often be reciprocated, because there are plenty of opportunities to go around for men. Therefore, men aren’t forced to survive by being as back-stabbing and cut-throat as women, who are all often vying for that ONE “token” opportunity for a woman to get promoted, be recognized, or to achieve success in a given company, or a given division of a company.
I’ve witnessed this scenario replay itself dozens of times over many years in the workforce. Again, this may not be the case universally, but I’ve witnessed it, and talked to many other women, especially in male-dominated industries, who have also seen this happen repeatedly.
I’ve helped women get jobs, I’ve helped them make beneficial social connections, volunteered free labor, and many other things to try to help other women get ahead, and have found that often this helpfulness does not come back around. In fact, what often does come back around is a knife in the back once I’m no longer useful or needed. Instead, women should be joining forces, but good ole boys know that women are weaker when divided, and when we’re unable to “compare notes,” so to speak, so the men in charge allow it, if not encourage it. In fact, that’s why I don’t even wish to attach my name to this comment for fear of retaliation or more negative consequences just from making a simple observation on behalf of women in the workforce everywhere.
I don’t know what the solution is, but until there is more honest/organic gender equality (as opposed to forced, token, minimal efforts at equality), greater opportunities for women in various industries, and a change in attitude from many male executives, I don’t think the situation will improve very soon.
Thank you for this thought-provoking piece.
I agree entirely Jane. The worst corporate bitchery I have seen occurred in a situation too few permanent positions. Not so much because of the men though because there weren’t any. I say it is just how women tend to compete. I too have been terribly hurt on occasion by women not being the friends i thought them to be. Is the trickery and betrayal rather than the thing said that hurts. (Men competing with you are not as subterranean: they just say the thing.) I agree it is a dreadful shame that we waste our collective gender energy in this way. We need each other so badly and yet senior women have to walk around watching each other for snipers.
Wow, Jane. Thank you for this provocative comment. You’ve given me much to think about, not the least of which are varying expectations, contrasts, and behaviors in male-dominated fields versus those with more of a gender balance.
I do wonder how many more decades it will take before women are comfortable enough in the workforce to be more direct, and in particular, when dealing with their female colleagues.
Your thoughts on how women deal with each other personally, or when “competing” for men?
I am interested in the relative rates of retribution between genders. I hypothesize that men have a zero tolerance policy and an active grapevine. How about on the female side?
For many years I took what I viewed as a gentlemanly approach, but came to the unfortunate conclusion that I was being viewed as a patsy. I am now very up-front and unabashed about relating my experiences with others. I have always made a lot of allowances in explaining possible transgressing behaviors, and although I still make some, I have concluded that I no longer have the time, patience or even the interest in going to the lengths I used to. I used to take the position, “Well, his values aren’t mine, but we can co-exist”. Now I am much more forthright (internally and in conversation), and say “His values aren’t mine, I’m not interested in dealing with him”.
Once you get used to this approach you can do it without much animosity or other emotional involvement, it just becomes process. Like giving a dog a free bite, and then no second chances, period, end of story. I think the Jewish saying “You are dead to me” comes from a similar orientation. Some gray zone of ambiguity, but no infinite wallowing there – it eventually resolves to black or white.
I experienced this in several workplaces when I worked for attorneys.
The women who were supposed to train me resented it, felt stuck, under-appreciated and underpaid themselves and took it out on me in very passive-aggressive ways.
Fault-finding, going behind my back and conspiracy were rampant.
I have since left that environment entirely as the legal field is way too toxic for me.