Make me a cup of coffee when I’m slogging through a stack of work?
Romantic.
Take me out for a cup of coffee… in Paris?
Naturellement, that’s romantic, too.
Bring me flowers for no reason whatsoever?
Romantic.
A single stem you pluck from the side of the road on a walk, when you nudge me to get out and enjoy the fresh air?
Even better, regardless of the wildflower you happen to pick.
And if you show up when I call… simply because I need you, I will always remember your kindness.
It’s all romantic and none of it requires money. Well, unless Paris is in the picture, of course. And much as I adore the City of Light, there are many advantages to leaving the passport in the drawer and the luggage stowed in the closet.
Besides, the cold cuts are in the fridge. The blooms are as accessible as an unruly patch of peonies in the garden. Being there when it counts? That’s huge. Perhaps the hugest.
What’s So Hard About Thoughtfulness?
Romance is so much easier than we imagine. It’s about attentiveness, though reviving romance, which seems as if it disappears with familiarity, with time, with all the stresses of the everyday – isn’t something to be sneezed at.
Sex?
We can find that. Friends with benefits? That, too.
So why is romance is so elusive? How does it slip away as the mundane tasks of getting through the day seem to blot out every other consideration? Is real romance that real women yearn for something other than the grand gesture or the stereotypical arrival with gifts that are blasted across the media?
How many of us truly prefer the moments of attentiveness that help us feel loved?
Sweetie, Honey, Sugar Pie…
If you cover me with saccharine and mawkish endearments, I will not be pleased.
If you pull exactly the same moves (in the same way, at the same time), let’s just say… likewise. Face it. Predictability in the “prelude” becomes a sexual snooze.
Are our expectations skewed? Is it unrealistic to anticipate romantic gestures in our harried, crazy, commotion-filled lives when we have so many other things to concern us?
Have men discarded the notion that women want romance? For that matter, have women ceased believing that it matters to men as well?
Defining Romance
Dictionary.com provides this definition of romantic:
. . . displaying or expressing love or strong affection; ardent, passionate, fervent… characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one’s beloved.
Now there’s conflicting information for you. Love? Yes. And idealism, along with the glossing over of reality which is implied. Passion? We’ve got that as well. And a notion that romance is inherently impractical.
Or is it sustaining romance that is impractical?
Love without Romance
How many of us have loved a man (or woman) who hasn’t a romantic bone in his (or her) body?
The object of our affection may have a good heart, a clear understanding of what it is to partner with another person, and remains loyal, caring, and even passionate in the relationship. We love them for who we see (and wish to see); we love them for how they are with us (on good days and bad); we love them with or without romance – though we wouldn’t mind a tiny display of something special even on occasion.
Can love without romance work?
We know that’s a yes. Still, why do we miss the romance when it’s gone? Why do we long for it if we never had it?
Marriage: The Romance Killer
For years, I rose earlier than my husband to begin the work day before waking the children. If he was there, I woke him gently and placed a cup of coffee on the table by his side of the bed. My elder son, still a child, made me a cup of coffee in the morning from time to time. But not his dad. He never thought to do it, or he never made the effort to get up in time.
Is time the enemy of romance or is it routine, boredom, fatigue?
Is marriage doomed to shed its romantic nooks and crannies – if they ever existed – as partnership becomes about the marital unit and the honey-do list?
Romance?
Sure. We enjoy its spin around the dance floor, but we know relationships can flourish without it as love itself changes shape and priorities shift. And yet…
If we want to keep things fresh in the boudoir, doesn’t foreplay begin first thing in the morning with that unsolicited smile, the coffee waiting that you don’t expect, and the manner in which we treat each other throughout the day and evening?
How to Rekindle Romance (According to Experts)
In my own busy little universe, I feel my expression of romance on the wane. Curious about how to revive and rekindle it, I found any number of angles on the subject, courtesy of the Internet.
Canadian Living features “10 Simple Ways to Put the Romance Back Into Your Relationship.” The article wisely notes that if there are underlying resentments that need to be aired, gifts (the rose, the chocolates) won’t really do the trick.
Among the suggestions we might expect (but it never hurts to hear them again):
- Go out on a date
- Be kind to your partner
- Surprise him or her
- Do something together
- Do something apart
That last item? Sometimes the greatest gift can be some time to oneself.
Redefining Romance: Friendship, Respect, Shared Times
It’s easy to be romantically inclined when you’re on a tropical island with a cocktail in hand. But in our real lives, our everyday mess and chaos, it’s another story.
Friendship, respect, shared times and common values provide the support system to sustain our partnerships. But without passion or romance, even that may not be enough.
Heading into the weekend, like many, thoughts of romance are circulating in my mind – romance in its variety of forms, and as my initial scenarios illustrate – Parisian cafés aside – it’s all about gestures that reflect feeling and appreciation. And if we aren’t getting it, wouldn’t we be wise to bring up the subject, gently? And shouldn’t we lead by our own example?
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You’re absolutely right! You have to take the time out of your day – make time to be passionate and romantic. And sometimes it’s just the little things – my hubs knew I was going to be late and picked up bread for the kids morning lunches. Thoughtfulness alone is very romantic.
🙂
Exactly–gestures that reflect feeling and appreciation. And yes to always asking for what you want tand not expecting your mate to mind-read!
That mind-reading point is excellent, Carol. (How often have we all fallen into that trap? I know I certainly have.)
So perfectly true and timely for me. I just brought it up an hour ago!! Then I read him your post :-). Thanks for the help explaining it to him.
After 36 years of marriage (I was a child bride), it’s even more important to make the time. Familiarity and routine can be a romance killer. Romance doesn’t begin in the bedroom, much to many husbands surprise. Enjoy your weekend!
I’m so glad it was timely for you, Jennifer. (I often write to remind myself…) And let’s hear it for child brides! 😉
Perhaps because I’ve had loads of comments from a reader on my Theory of the Leisure Class posts and have been re-reading them this morning, I have the thought that romance requires leisure. Taking time for little niceties, having the energy to made an effort, not being pre-occupied with a dozen urgent things. Bill and I normally kiss each other good-bye when we leave the house – just a peck, but it’s nice. And sometimes I get a kiss when I come back in. I get loads of hugs for no reason, not so many flowers. And Bill seems to take particular pleasure in giving me over the top Christmas cards. I don’t know if all this can be characterised as ‘romantic’ but I certainly feel loved.
Such wonderful points, Shelly. I think you’re so right about the time aspect involved in thoughtfulness, though even in your examples, small gestures go far and take little time. As for your last remark, that says it all, doesn’t it. Lovely. So glad you stopped by.