My mother taught me: Never talk to strangers. I taught my own children a similar lesson — the need to be wary.
We’re all strangers to those we come to call friends, lovers, family — initially. Then, if we’re smart, we take the necessary time to close the gap of knowing each other well through observation, communication, shared experience and eventually, trust.
Now consider this. What if we threw caution to the wind and allowed ourselves greater openness with strangers?
Alternately, the opposite may be true for some. We would be better served by attentiveness to our safety, by a healthy dose of circumspection, by less naïveté.
But how do we know which way to bend or err, whether to be more open or less so? Can we develop a sixth sense in order to reduce the potential emotional or physical danger, while reaping the benefits of a full spectrum of enriching connections?
Talking to Strangers Online
Online dating has encouraged us to interact with strangers as we sift through exaggerations, falsities, and masks that may obscure what is real. Theoretically, online dating is designed to help us achieve an intimate connection beyond the virtual. But getting to know each other requires patience and time.
Patience in the online world of commodity partners and infinite possibilities? It’s a challenge, to be sure. And as we progress with our online acquaintances, if those we’re getting to know have ventured too far afield of the person they represent, it’s no surprise that we feel foolish, duped, disappointed.
Even outside the dating world, we readily (and eagerly) embrace superficial friendships and casual flirtations courtesy of social media. We recognize the limitations… usually. We understand that these relationships may be short-lived and also, lightweight. But we hope for the best, and we hope to learn from our mistakes.
In the real world?
Occasionally we smile on the street at someone in passing. We chat in the coffee line or while pumping gas. We say yes to a spontaneous date! These are the ‘old’ ways of interacting with strangers, and they remain pleasurable — brightening our mood and reminding us we can still connect quickly and chemically.
On Casual Connections
The New York Times alerts us to the positive impacts of even slight human interaction between strangers.
In “Hello, Stranger,” a look at the behavioral science behind commuter experiences offers the benefits of a pleasant acknowledgment, and the downside to walling ourselves inside the bubble of ear-buds, smartphones, and eyes cast downward.
Relying on various experiments to challenge our assumption — well-being is most dependent on those with whom we have the closest ties – the article also considers those with whom we have “weak ties” – people we don’t know well. Writers Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton report the following:
… introverts and extroverts alike felt happier on days when they had more social interactions… interactions with weak ties correlated at least as highly with happiness as interactions with strong ties.
In other words, “even fleeting glances can make a difference” according to the authors. (The article references another study that indicates staring as being uncomfortable, which is likely consistent with experience for most of us.)
Reaching Out to Strangers
Considering the benefits of reaching out to strangers — feeling engaged, pleasant conversation without need of investment, the uplifting impact of being on the receiving end of a smile – I’m reminded that our hesitation to talk to strangers face-to-face, or even to connect with a glance, deprives us of qualities and responses that we don’t always experience through digital means.
In other words, there’s nothing quite like real life, with its sensual textures, its tangibility, its “je ne sais quoi” that adds to the surprise of feeling visible, acknowledged, human.
I love my online friends and fancies, recognizing the value they bring to my life, and the 24/7 quality that is so necessary in my life. I also understand the inherent limitations. We can certainly thrive on our online encounters, but they cannot and should not replace our personal exchanges. Both serve a purpose. Both provide benefits. Both can be a win-win, with eyes wide open, of course.
And I remind myself: Other than my sons, everyone in my life who is important to me was a stranger, at first.
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There’s smart ways to interact with unknown people and then there’s not-so-smart ways that, in this day and age, can be harmful and sometimes dangerous. Casual interaction while waiting in line; striking up a conversation in a coffee shop; smiling at a passerby…all ways to reinforce our humanness. On the other hand, young woman leaving a bar with someone she just met; divulging too much personal information in a chat room…could be risky business. How do we teach the difference to our children without instilling unnecessary fear? We’ve told Peanut it’s okay to talk with someone she doesn’t know as long as she’s within touching distance to one of us. Or, if we’re talking with them, it’s okay to speak to them if they talk with her. It’s a starting place.
I couldn’t agree more, Lisa.
We really have to have a discernment meter on high when we are online. There are so many amazing people I have met online (like you), but there are a few that my discernment tells me to be cautious! I think I get a “sketchy” contact at least once a week. They will be fishing to see if I will bite. You do have to be so cautious. On the other hand, I have a few friends who I have been conversing with for almost four years and I feel as close to them as I would a friend I knew that amount of time and looked in the eye every day. The most difficult situation for me was last summer when a partnership of three I was working with (I am sure you know) dissolved. When I am not there, looking all three of them in the face, it is hard to know what and who to believe about a situation like that. I just have to choose to stay out of the “cat fight” and go with some basic fundamentals in a case like that. I had to make it clear what I would and would not get dragged into. That was by far the hardest online relationship issue I have had to face so far.
(BTW, thanks for your kind words on one of my posts earlier this week. It meant so much to know that it really spoke to you!)