When your lover or spouse doesn’t want to talk, what do you do? Nag him until he spills whatever is going on? Allow time to do its thing, hoping eventually he opens up?
How about a few other options? Ways to gently encourage communication through the rough patches that occur in any relationship? Or is silence the better strategy – at least some of the time?
Two articles caught my interest recently on the subject of communication. The first addresses the issue of not pushing someone until they’re ready to express their feelings, while the second reminds us how damaging silence can be – as an enemy, or a weapon.
Rough Patches
Although it has been written that long-term marriages may successfully rely on judicious use of silence, most of us would agree that not talking may avoid confrontation, but it also avoids resolution of whatever may be wrong.
And we all go through tough times – something in our own lives that is eating away at us, or something askew in our relationship that we don’t know how to approach. And so a misunderstanding snowballs into a more significant disagreement, which then becomes blown out of proportion if we’re low on sleep, stressed at work, or the kids are driving us crazy. Maybe the source of the rough patch is work, but the drama at the office is seeping into your mood (or your spouse’s), and the result is a series of short-tempered exchanges.
You may know the problem and decide to back off: It’s one of those topics on which you’ve agreed to disagree, and you live with it. Then again, perhaps the rough patch really is a big deal – but you’ve never openly addressed the issue and allowed your partner the benefit of your feelings.
Some rough patches reveal underlying fault lines that were bound to be exposed eventually – a fundamental difference in parenting style or approach to finances, both of which may reflect divergent values.
Can communication help in a case like the former – those inevitable disagreements? I think so. As for the latter – when values clash – I don’t see how it hurts, if you believe that honestly confronting differences is better than living with the status quo. But we do have to be prepared to face some harsh realities about ourselves, our partners, and possibly, the future.
Is Your Partner a Talker? Are You?
The man in my life is a talker (thankfully), but my ex was not. The contrast is startling, and reminds me how it became my habit in marriage to avoid certain discussions or otherwise stay silent. He clammed up, I clammed up, and trust me – it’s a recipe for disaster.
On the occasions when I attempted to broach our differences, I found myself at a loss for words, or I was quickly put in my place by his superior debating skills, which essentially shut me up. And so we settled into a pleasant cadence of relatively superficial conversation – pleasant, but contributing to the growing gulf in our relationship.
I sometimes wonder if I should have insisted more with my ex, or done so earlier in our marriage, or searched out some sophisticated communication methodology. In retrospect, I doubt it would have changed the end result.
The irony is that I was once a talker, or certainly more so. Yet as my marriage progressed, I realized that I was increasingly non-communicative and couldn’t seem to stop the spiral downward. It was only after divorce, as I became more self-aware and attentive to what feeds a healthy relationship, that I recognized my own communication deficiencies and worked to improve them.
Encouraging Talk… When Ready
In this column from Your Tango, “How Pushy is TOO Pushy,” I find suggestions that make sense when you’re up against the silent treatment.
… When your partner clams up, it’s irritating and it’s worrisome too… You want to know what you can do to support him or make the situation a little bit better… In an excruciating situation like this, the impulse for many is to push… Your intentions are good. So you put on pressure to encourage your partner to open up and tell you how he feels and what is really going on.
And this almost always backfires…
Pointing out that if your spouse wants to be left alone, you’d be wise to respect that fact, you should nonetheless pick a more appropriate time for discussion. In other words, don’t simply dismiss the issue, but defer it to when the emotion or fatigue is less of an impediment to talking. Then address what’s wrong in a clear and mature manner, with reassuring and non-judgmental language.
It goes without saying that if you’re dealing with a potentially painful subject, you need to steel yourself for hearing things that may be difficult – for you.
Silence is Golden? Not So Much
Psychology Today takes a look at the silent treatment from several angles. Noting that when we retreat into silence, we tend to create a sort of script of our own, we may imagine a conversation that is not actually taking place.
And we do so based on assumptions about what is bothering the other person, and how he or she would respond. That means we may be missing the problem altogether, or inadvertently making things worse.
In “Silence: A Relationship Killer,” psychotherapist and marriage counselor Mel Schwartz addresses the damaging effects of the silent treatment, and the importance of expressing our emotions verbally (anger for example). He writes:
… Problematic feelings that go unexpressed tend to percolate and boil over—they take on energy of their own, and the ensuing conflict hours or days later may have little correlation to the original emotional insult.
There is another side to silence as well – one in which the party that keeps his thoughts to himself is using this tactic as a method of control. After all, if we don’t know what he’s thinking, can’t we imagine the worst? Isn’t it a tool for undermining our confidence? A sort of mind game?
… When we don’t share our thoughts with each other, we are often doing so to control the other’s reactions and behavior. If they don’t know what we’re contemplating, then they can’t possibly respond.
Sex Heals All Wounds?
Of course, some couples cover up with sex. They may fight, resolve nothing, wind up in bed, have a great time, get out of bed – and the underlying issues remain an open wound.
Thinking that great sex compensates for poor communication is one way to keep a relationship going, but doesn’t it also create susceptibility to emotional affairs? Don’t most of us crave the sort of intimacy that comes from seeing eye to eye on what we care about? Aren’t those discoveries made in conversation – in bed or out?
Sure, the temporary intimacy (and diversion) can change your mood and lower barriers, as one or both of you becomes more willing to express whatever is on your mind. Or, it may simply postpone the silence, the avoidance, and the resentment that festers when verbal communication remains insufficient.
Then what?
I think back on the days when my younger son gave me the silent treatment, not out of malice, but a seeming inability to address whatever was wrong. I found it helpful to defer discussion to when he wasn’t overtired, he wasn’t hungry, and also – I got him out of the house.
Might these same tactics be helpful, even when dealing with an adult?
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hello lovely D
gosh.
silent cutting scorn was our only “Tool” (as they say in american therapy shows with the lovely mr. gabriel byrne)
and we’ve progressed a little further.
but not much.
or maybe we have.
*smiling*
anyway.
thank you deeply/kindly/truly for your lovely comment on teamgloria.com yesterday – *humble_bow*
*wavingfromsoutherncalifornia*
_tg xxx
Oh dear, I think your line about getting your son “out of the house” in order to get him to talk made me laugh…. because as any parent knows, the best place for uncomfortable conversations is IN THE CAR! They can’t escape when you are driving and everyone can just keep their eyes on the road.
Seriously, I do agree that bad things fester in silence. Eventually, in my house, at least, a conversation will take place. I agree that its best not to push –though I have been guilty of that — and giving both parties a bit of time to think and unclench their jaws, hands, and relax their shoulders is more likely to result in a constructive conversation.
When we were younger, my husband (a non-talker) used to clam up for days. We did have a discussion about that. Thankfully, that sort of thing is past history.
Timing is everything. If I tried to talk to my son in the morning; I got nothing. In the afternoon, he was a great communicator. My husband is the same way. I don’t even bother to talk to him while he is drinking his coffee. It is better to wait until later in the day.
Taking the conversation outside…I used the car with both of my children. It was like a magical place, a cocoon where it was safe to say things out loud that they never would have shared sitting at the table or anywhere else in the house. With my husband, I find walking is a great place for conversation.
Hitting the mute button and maybe the off button, too…A good conversation cannot be held while the television is making noise. Sometimes, even the images are too demanding to get someone’s full attention. The television can create an unintentional silent treatment by its very presence.
How nice that you have a talker 🙂 I imagine it makes communication so much easier; especially if he is also a good listener.
You’re so right about the listening part if the equation, too.
Wow, this brings up memories! I offer my experience within my nuclear family: The first time I was able to handle the silent treatment from my father was after I was married and in my 40’s!! We were walking, he was angry at something I had said and went silent. I felt the usual cold shudder of fear, but kept walking, let him keep walking, and didn’t try to fix it and I’m sure it’s because I felt unconditional support from my husband. It broke the control pattern, and I am convinced it is an unconscious one on my dad’s part. Life has gotten way better. So, sometimes, not talking can help if you can defuse it from your side and let the tension go. Years later, my father also said to me that when he’s upset about something, talking about it doesn’t help him at all. And he doesn’t seem able to take that leap and imagine the effect on the rest of us, but it is so good to know… My mother, on the contrary, talks a lot, and easily, about problems, as long as something doesn’t push all her buttons at once. She has developed good communication habits with a lot of work, and it makes it all easier for the rest of us. But she and my brother, both good communicators, get blocked when they disagree with each other and can’t get through to each other for a while. I guess the combination of communication/confrontaion styles is important?
Taking the leap to imagine the effect on others, as you say. That seems key. That empathy.
Oh my goodness. You are describing my first marriage (married to a non-talker) and my second marriage (married to a talker) to a T. And as a result of the huge difference in mates, it took me years to adjust. I actually became a non-talker in my second marriage. I’m still struggling with good communication skills in a relationship. But the wonderful thing is, my husband doesn’t care. He keeps trying with me.
I don’t think it is a great idea to let things fester, but sometimes there needs to be a cooling off period.
Let me do an informal poll: Is it just every woman that I have been in a relationship that wish to discuss important and smoldering issues just as their partner is going to bed and/or asleep. I tend to find this a bad time especially when both persons are tired.
Here’s one response to your poll, Curtis. Definitely not before bed!
I second that! With my honey, at first I was the non-talker but he had a “rule” (more of a suggestion really, it came from a good place) that we never go to bed mad at each other…well, those made for some all-nighters, let me tell ya! Now, we gage each others anger to see whether we talk now, later or not at all if it is not worth a big fuss.
I must have bad luck or choose poorly then. 🙂 I agree Wolf.
My now ex husband and I had many communication problems during our 20 yr marriage. He traveled constantly for work and only wanted food and Seinfeld on TV when he got home on Friday nights.
I on the other hand felt stuck at home raising 3 kids and desperate for engaging conversation.
I’ll never forget our 20 yr anniversary dinner at a high-end steak house. I brought up the recent news about raising minimum wage and how I was in support of it. He adamantly disagreed. Then we had another debate- this one about whether or not there should be a national health care insurance system.
He vented his reasons why he was against national health care and then insisted I’d become a socialist.
We left the steak place and he refused to speak to me for the next 3 days.
That is crazy Nancy. Three days? In retrospect this must be an eye opener.
I H.A.T.E. the silent treatment! I hate getting it and I hate it when I give it. It’s hard to break bad patterns, but we are seriously trying. I do it because I think it’s better to say nothing than things I’ll regret, but prolonged silent treatment is frustrating and does nothing to resolve the underlying issue. It’s easy to be silent until the emotions cool, then carry on as if nothing is wrong – until the next time and the cycle repeats itself. I do agree that sometimes by the time the conversation resumes, either the original issue has faded or all kinds of old issues get sucked into the discussion – neither very helpful.
Communication is very important in any kinds of relationships. For me, I don’t like the idea of silent treatment because the more you hide your feelings the more it hurts. You should spit it out but in the right time. Do not make a permanent decision out of your temporary emotions. Some relationships are destroyed due to lack of communication so it is better to talk one-on-one but make sure that the both of you are in the right state of mind.