Now and then, a feature in the Sunday New York Times called “The Ethicist” catches my fancy. Written by Chuck Klosterman, it’s an entertaining set of reader questions posing dilemmas of etiquette and morality. In the hope of an expert opinion on how to proceed – ethically – some of these tidbits are amusing and others are instructive.
This week’s mention of narcissism, in the context of placing nude images on the internet, seems like a silly question – at first. Once I’d stopped laughing at Mr. Klosterman’s response, it got me to thinking.
Here is the gist: a reader wishes to post flattering naked photos of herself on the internet. She hesitates. The reason for her reluctance is the fears that doing so is narcissistic. However, she then wishes to know – what exactly is wrong with narcissism?
Is It Bad To Be a Narcissist?
Nude photos aside, which seems to me an entirely other issue (we’ll cover that in a moment), her query to the Ethicist gives me pause.
Apparently, it gave Mr. Klosterman pause as well, since he makes a distinction between solipsism (an obsession with yourself) and narcissism (an obsession with how others perceive you), noting that narcissists are invested in external perception more than internal authenticity. Moreover, people tend not to like being around narcissistic personalities.
My, my. Is this distinction most of us make in those showy, self-absorbed individuals with whom we find ourselves on first dates, at company meetings, or… worse… on the tube, representing our government?
Setting aside those pesky matters and cutting to the (Ethicist’s) chase:
There is nothing inherently wrong with narcissism as long as you don’t care about yourself and you don’t care about other people.
Backtracking a few psychological notes, clearly, the Ethicist was not looking to lay out ten tips on being a better narcissist, nor ten symptoms to signal narcissistic behavior. Nor was he offering a treatise on our increasingly self-absorbed society, as we all grab for our maximum likes, fans, and follows.
Yet the very question of “what’s wrong with narcissism” begs for a more thorough discussion.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The subject of narcissism isn’t new territory for many, but it seems to be such a recurring theme in daily life that a quick refresher doesn’t hurt.
Psych Central offers these symptoms, and this is only a subset:
- Overblown sense of self (exaggerates accomplishments, expects to be seen as superior)
- Preoccupied with fantasies of power, brilliance, perfect love, unrealistic success
- Believes himself to be unique
- Demands attention and admiration (excessively)
- Takes advantage of others
- Lacks empathy
- Discounts opinions of others, is arrogant, haughty
Five or more of these symptoms must be present for a diagnosis of NPD, and the subject must be over the age of 18. We may also remind ourselves of the origin of the term “narcissism,” which comes from Greek mythology. Narcissus sees his reflection in the water, falls in love with himself, is unable to separate image from reality, and eventually dies.
Naked Narcissism?
As to the reader’s reason for asking about narcissism – the desire to post naked photos of herself on the internet – not only have we become inured to nudity on the net, but its presence elicits everything from indifference to outrage, depending upon who you ask, who you presume is looking, and whether or not you consider the context as art or pornography.
Nude images and sex tapes float across the interwebs with little more than a shrug these days, at least in some circles. In others, we know they’re career killers, or at the very least, deal serious blows to relationships. Then again, for some they seem to support if not bolster their living; we are, after all, living in Kardashian-inspired Selfie Culture.
The reader who poses the question to the Ethicist, age unknown, doesn’t provide context that would seem relevant: profession, relationship status, venue where she wishes to place her images, and so on. Instead, she focuses on the question of narcissism (the issue of external perception), which is amusing considering her placement of photos is… we may assume… for purposes of validation by others, i.e. external perception, or some element of narcissism.
Otherwise, why not enjoy them for herself, or herself and a significant other?
Nudity Ethics? Or Practical Considerations?
Setting aside issues of children or exploitation (at any age), let’s consider nudity on the internet. The Ethicist doesn’t address the reader’s photos, as he takes up the charge on narcissism instead. And it strikes me as even more ironic that the question of narcissism is raised in the context of being naked, as in my experience, the true narcissist is rarely naked in an authentic sense; the narcissist shies away from the very vulnerability that characterizes emotional nakedness, which is certainly a factor in establishing trust and intimacy.
This interesting little question also reminds me of a Sex and the City episode many years back. Samantha, the most unabashedly open of the four women when it comes to her sexuality, poses for a set of professionally staged nude photos, one of which she frames and places in her apartment. To the best of my recollection, and this is paraphrased from memory, “I love my body… and when I’m old and my tits are on the ground, I can look back and say… I was something.”
Narcissistic? Sure. And if you’re a woman who is over 40, you may understand that it’s a good deal more.
Can You Have a Good Relationship With a Narcissist?
While I was entertained by Mr. Klosterman’s remarks, I would qualify that the extent to which someone exhibits narcissistic tendencies makes all the difference in the world. The narcissist is not incapable of love, and showing it. But the greater the degree of indifference to others, of inability to see himself or herself in a more genuine way, to feel empathy and communicate in a true exchange – the more problematic (and hurtful) the result. To himself and to others.
If you are the child of a narcissist, you may feel belittled or dismissed or simply overwhelmed by the “big” personality of your father or mother. This does not preclude good moments or guidance that takes place in any parent-child relationship.
If you are married to or in love with a narcissist, again, depending upon the degree to which behaviors prevent intimacy, you may find great difficulty in loving a narcissistic partner without losing yourself.
In our self-promotional society, and one that encourages us to “fake it til we make it,” the fine line between narcissism and healthy self-interest may be tough to negotiate much less to discern. But most of us are able to recognize lack of listening, absence of empathy, the need to always be right, and so on.
So… is it “bad” to be a narcissist?
When it’s difficult to really listen, difficult to take in feedback, difficult to connect with others, and potentially miserable for the people in your life to fully trust that you are willing to value and connect with them, I wouldn’t call that good… would you?
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Am trying to do away with the labels good and bad. I would say it is unfortunate. Both for the narcissists (who alienate family and have a hard time making and maintaining friendships, and wonder why) and the people around them. Having a narcissist in the family is frustrating, maddening, and sometimes the narcissist’s actions are incomprehensible. I feel sorry for the one in our family, but her treatment of others, her rewriting history to suit herself, her lies, her manipulation, her selfishness literally make me sick. I stay away.
I hear you, lunaboogie. But I do find the juxtaposition of nakedness and narcissism to be provocative. Among the real narcissists I have known, vulnerability is something they are extremely uncomfortable with. Most of us are at our most vulnerable when exposed – however you interpret that. And yes, it’s very sad that narcissists seem to alienate those potentially closest to them.
That’s why I read you Wolfie and not Chuck. I suspect he has to play to editors and an audience where most of them are closer to puritanism than not. But I do have a question for you. Where does exhibitionism play into this? With the advent of Tumblr, it is very easy to play to an audience who is blind to the blogger. Do you have to have a disorder to love to look at and/or share nude pictures?
Ha! Gandalfe, you sly thing, you. Quite true on the exhibitionism point, and even terminology that is less erotically charged for some, and simply thought of as an aspect of erotic pleasure – not to mention appreciation of beauty. And you know my stand on nudity and the beauty of the human form, and I certainly don’t consider it a “disorder” of any sort to enjoy looking at or sharing nude images.
We don’t know the context of the woman’s question (nor her history, her age, her various communities). My concern for her (or any of us) is pragmatic: the future or current employer, the nature of understanding the usage of the photos, relationship impacts and so on.
And I’m glad you read me, Gandalfe. You keep me on my toes. Tip-toes, at that.
Ah Klosterman. I hadn’t realised that he’s calling himself an “ethicist” these days, which is quite galling to (me) a philosopher. He’s in over his head, to be sure, and it’s particularly obvious with his gesture to “solipsism.” Even Wikipedia does a better paraphrase.
Anyway, your treatment here is so much more nuanced and interesting. I think we’re afraid of seeming “narcissistic,” and that’s a shame, because there’s too much self-hatred in this world already. A little bit of the opposite can be good tonic.
(Best review of Klosterman ever: http://nypress.com/the-flip-flop-king/)
Ah, Brian. So glad you stopped by for this. (Chuckling.) And thank you for the link! (I love when you drop by.)
Of course posting one’s pictures on the internet is narcissistic. However the lady questions whether this is narcissistic. This raises two issues.
One: she is questioning whether she is a fully certifiable NPD narcissist and hence could not be by definition as a result of questioning herself. The other issue is that she is narcissistic and she is not sure if her actions reveal herself.
The latter is highly unlikely since narcissists are highly attuned to cultural norms and behaviour and would therefore know if the action was that of a NPD narcissistic. Hence she is probably not a NPD certifiable narcissist.
That said the action is surely a result of a certain level of narcissism and other attributes (such as exhibitionism as suggested above). Some level of narcissism is required by all persons so that they may function well. Individuals may believe they do well at their jobs, as parents, as a tennis player, etc and this allows them to function at the highest level.
It is when these traits become extreme, not positive or delusional that they become dangerous and especially where it is a belief held about all or most things, which then causes a person to have NPD.
As to the question of whether it is bad to be a NPD narcissist? Absolutely for the misery a narcissist causes to all and themselves.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and then spent 20 years married to a controlling perfectionist who has many NPD traits. Going through divorce and trying to agree on a parenting plan and co-parent with someone who has NPD usually makes the entire divorce process take much longer and cost much more than typical divorces.
It’s common for narcissistic parents to make co-parenting a battle extraordinaire for power and control when they insist on looking better than their child’s other parent when appearing in front of their attorneys and the judge.
Unfortunately, once the spotlight quits shining so closely on their parenting abilities, their interest in their children well-being often evaporates as they disappear back into the smoke from their haze of self-absorption.
“… he makes a distinction between solipsism (an obsession with yourself) and narcissism (an obsession with how others perceive you), ” Never heard solipsism defined/described this way. It’s a significant and well-know philosophical concept (see for brief http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism). Makes me wonder about his competence.