By Cecilia
I’ve just spent my fourteenth holiday without my mother. In the years since I packed up two suitcases and moved from the States to Japan, a defining event in our relationship, we have been a long distance family, missing milestones and special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and the birth of her only grandchild.
There have always been reasons: the distance (even now that I’ve moved back to the States), her health, my work. I try to see her once a year and when I do I realize how much I miss her… how for so many years we knew the daily rhythms of each others’ lives, and now that’s no longer the case.
For many years I had been the dutiful daughter. I acted as my immigrant parents’ interpreter from the age of seven when they moved from Peru to New England, and I helped them to navigate life in America. I attended college ten miles away from where they lived, and I moved back home after graduation. It was a shameful admission to my American friends that I was choosing to live with my parents, and a slap in my mother’s face that I was wishing I had chosen otherwise.
In the traditions of Chinese culture, generations live together. This was the future that my mother expected and the future that she was robbed of when she chose America in which to raise her children. I was expected to give back once I became an adult, not to take their sacrifices to build a life based on my individual wants.
Yet after thirty years, that is exactly what I did. I decided to go to Japan on a traveling fellowship. For the first time I went for something wildly different from what my mother wanted. I had checked college, graduate school, and a stable career off the list. Now I hoped for a different kind of life.
I lived in Japan for nearly a decade, a situation that saddened my mother for many years. She once told me that I’d made a mess of my life, because I chose a path that she wouldn’t have. So often I felt wrong simply by being who I was. But in Japan, finally, I felt free.
* * *
I have a vivid memory from childhood. I think I was six or seven.
We had just finished dinner, and something prompted me to perform for my mother. I made up a song and dance, and she sat on a chair across from me, looking on. When I finished, I curtsied and said, “Thank you for watching my show.”
My mother responded quietly, “Thank you for making me so happy.”
I remember the mild churning in my stomach, the sudden discomfort. It was the simplicity of her statement, something in her eyes, her throat that threatened to choke with tears. It was caving in around me – the love, the intensity.
Maybe it was our early life as immigrants that sealed the bubble airtight around us. We were undocumented at the time, and consequently, living in self-imposed isolation. It was an emotional space that was claustrophobic, even without the force of my mother’s love and her heightened need to protect.
When she looked at me the way she did that evening, it was as if there was no more air for me to breathe.
At that moment I made a decision. I wouldn’t be so sweet ever again, because I didn’t want to see my mother like that ever again. I didn’t want to be the source of so much emotion. I didn’t want her to love me so much that it could hurt. I didn’t want to hold so much power – and I sensed that I did, even as a small child.
And so with the falling of that first domino we spent the next three decades dancing – no, battling – in a duel over emotional territory. The more distance I tried to eke out of our narrow space, the more I instigated my mother’s responses, until I made her into a controlling and needy woman, as she turned me into a rejecting, ungrateful daughter. Why couldn’t it be simple, the way it was with my father? He expected nothing, he was disappointed by nothing, and he was happy simply to be loved.
The relationship with my mother seemed to bring out the worst and best in both of us. I came to see love as protective, safe, unconditional, and layered, but also as confusing, suffocating, manipulative, and overwhelming.
Is it possible to be loved too much? How does one complain of a mother who never fails to be there for her?
And I did complain, but rarely if ever to sympathetic ears. I grew up wanting my mother to choose her girlfriends over me, just sometimes. I wanted her to say, “Hey, you’re sixteen, go make your own breakfast.” I wanted her to slap me or leave me to show me that she didn’t deserve my disrespect.
I wanted my mother to understand that different was not bad, and that I was not bad.
I heard the words “I don’t expect you to be perfect” but I wanted her actions to convince me so.
I wanted to know where she ended, and I began; I wanted to know that such a line was possible.
During some of our greatest conflicts she used to say, “You will understand when you become a mother.” And she was right. I do now; I understand better.
I have recently experienced similar conflicts play out in my relationship with my son, though the incidents may be less intense. Some nights I have lain down next to him as he got ready for sleep and if I was not pleased with something – maybe he’d taken too long to get into bed – I’d find myself stiff, unable to separate my disapproval from my affections.
When this happens, my son looks at me hesitatingly before finally propping himself up on his elbow to kiss me. He repeats the words that he’s been saying to me every day for the last three years: “I love you too, too much.” He doesn’t reach for my hand as he normally does, and turns away on his side to sleep. And I continue lying next to him, tears falling, hating what I see in myself.
Maybe this is what my mother went through, and maybe her mother before her, as well.
I understand it now, I do. And I understand my mother better. The truth is that I, too, had held her to an impossible ideal for most of my life. I wanted her to be more westernized, more cosmopolitan, more outgoing and more confident. I couldn’t accept her as she was.
It’s taken me years to see my mother as human, to understand that she is the product of her own set of very difficult experiences and upbringing. She is a woman who braved three countries on three continents to find the safest home for her children. She suffered enormous losses, having never laid eyes on her father and then losing her mother before she became one herself. Nor has she set foot in her home country in sixty years. She did the absolute best she knew how given the cards that she was dealt, and her feats have been herculean.
Most recently she has been reflecting and thinking aloud, “I didn’t know how to be a mother. No one ever teaches you how.” She still weeps when she thinks back on her mistakes. I’m not used to the intimate language, and I wave her comments off casually, telling her not to worry about bygones. But inside there is so much that I want to say – that she did so many things right, that because of her I’ve lived life knowing what it feels to be so important and so loved. And I want to tell her that I love her, too much.
© Cecilia at Only You
Cecilia is an award-winning educator and business owner. She has contributed to various publications in the past and writes a personal blog called “Only You.” She holds degrees from Wellesley College and Harvard University.
Part 9 in a series on mother-daughter relationships.
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Cecilia says
Thank you for asking me to write this, D. You have no idea how many times I asked myself (in tears) why I had promised to write it at all. But it was hard work that needed to be done, and I wonder when I would have done it if you hadn’t given me this opportunity. Thank you. xo
D. A. Wolf says
You aren’t alone in struggling with this, Cecilia. When asked to put words to paper about our mothers, the complexity of the feelings begins to emerge – regardless of the nature of the relationship.
Thank you for persisting in what wasn’t an easy task. Your essay is stunning in its perspective and its honesty. Equally apparent – how much you love and honor your mother, though you are your very much your own person.
Justine says
Oh, Cecilia. What a heartbreakingly beautiful post. I ache because I know exactly how you feel. With similar Asian parentage that suppresses emotions and pressures kids to succeed, a mom who sacrificed her entire life for her child(ren)’s happiness, and mother-daughter battles that stem largely from cultural differences, I felt each word twist in my heart, fully understanding and feeling your anguish. I struggle with guilt too when it comes to my mom, trying to convince myself that they were her choices to make, that I shouldn’t make my own life’s decisions based on the guilt of choosing a path that she didn’t intend for me, and that I shouldn’t blame myself for her difficult life…yet I just can’t help myself sometimes. I want to have a different relationship with my daughters so now I try to make the choices I know my mother wouldn’t make, hoping that maybe, just maybe, that would make a difference for us.
Cecilia says
Justine, YES: “I struggle with guilt too when it comes to my mom, trying to convince myself that they were her choices to make.” My mother was in a bad marriage and this is exactly what I struggled with. How much can I sympathize because I can’t do anything about it, and how much can I say, “Well, that was her choice”? It’s a heart wrenching position to be in. I know there’s that feeling of permanent debt if our mothers had a hard life, and guilt if we don’t accommodate more, or forgive more or give back more…and guilt if our life is easier. But I think our mothers want us to be happy and to not know (I mean, to experience) the suffering that they went through.
Thanks so much for reading. I’m glad this resonated with you. I know we’ve shared a lot of similar feelings.
alexandra says
I consider myself so blessed to have met Cecilia. I don’t know how it happened, all I know is that I am grateful for her and her words, and my wish for her is to know how very special, rare, and brilliant she is in my life.
Cecilia says
I remember how we met, Alexandra – a mutual blogger friend posted that you had gotten harassed by a nasty reader and I went over to see what was going on. And I couldn’t believe that someone could actually be mean to you! 🙂
You’ve been an inspiration in so many ways, and I have been deeply impacted by your own story of your mother in the years that I’ve known you. As I’ve said to you before, you’ve taught me how to be a better daughter through your example.
ayala says
A heartbreaking and beautiful post.
Cecilia says
Ayala, thank you. Thanks so much for reading. And I have been inspired and so moved by everything you have written about your mother.
thekitchwitch says
This was a 5 Kleenexer. You wrecked me.
I understood so much here–the instinct to flee, the guilt, the anger at never “being good enough”, the visceral love that you can’t deny, the promise you make to yourself to do better with your own child…
The power of a mother–tremendous, frightening, unending.
Cecilia says
Oh, thank you so much…I’m comforted that you could relate. I’m glad you mentioned the word “power” which I hadn’t used in my piece but that’s *exactly* what it is. I know I have held my mother to godlike proportions. I saw her as almost mythical and she can bring me down so fast with one word, one hint or one look. And I suppose that maybe I do the same to her…
Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri says
Oh Cecilia. This essay is full of complicated layers and emotions. I understand the Asian dynamic quite well. We do without question. We give as much as we can without expectation. All in the name of family and tradition. When we choose to carve out our own identity, then culture and individualism clash. Isn’t that the inherent risk in immigrating away from your native country? I often told my father that he risked his children’s cultural connection in order to establish a better life. I think he finally realized that when I deviated from his plans for me. It certainly creates a chasm of hurt feelings, cultural confusion, and struggle to find our footing in this new space.
You captured those feelings poignantly in this essay. The relationships between mothers and daughters are so complicated, but when you inject the cultural dynamic it becomes a very difficult territory to navigate.
Thank you for writing this essay, Cecilia. I felt every ache and triumph. xoxo
Cecilia says
Thank you so much, Rudri, for the validation and reassurance. I am often floored by how oppositional Asian cultural values are in relation to American values. The group/family over the individual. Self-restraint over self-promotion and expression. Action over words. I remember talking to my advisor during my senior year in college, and expressing conflict over whether to work near home or look for opportunities further away, due to my mother’s expectations for me to stay at home. The advisor asked me, “Why, is your mother ill or disabled?” I said no and she responded, “Well, then that’s her problem!” I thought, she doesn’t get it.
I always appreciate your understanding.